Is the "you can have it all" narrative actually doing women more harm than good?

YaKnowEstacado · 2023-05-08T15:53:57+00:00

I don't understand why people think this video is an example of a woman trying to "have it all."

This woman is 36 and says she's been divorced for three years, which means she divorced at 33. She said she has embryos with her ex-husband, which means they had tried to do IVF while they were married. People don't just start out with IVF, especially in their 20s. You do IVF after a year or two of failed attempts to get pregnant. This likely means they were trying for kids in her mid-20s and she couldn't get pregnant due to fertility issues (which she also alludes to in the video). She also says she can't do "another" round of IVF which means they had at least one round already that was not successful.

Additionally, she says she's not financially stable which implies she's not some go-getter career woman. This is a woman who was married and trying to get pregnant by her late 20s at the latest, couldn't, then got divorced too late to try again. It's sad but it's not an example of a woman fucking herself over by trying to "have it all." If you can't get pregnant in your mid-late 20s then there's some fertility problem going on that's not age related. She would have had problems no matter how young she was.

YetAnotherCommenter · 2023-05-08T06:35:35+00:00

Some women can "have it all." They're usually highly motivated/driven as well as intelligent/talented. Many of them also benefit from wealth and/or extended family members whom are willing to pitch in. All of this makes it easier for them to "have it all."

But not all women are Wonder Woman. Realistically speaking, "having it all" is a glamorous ambition rather than something that women can just "choose" to have.

Treacle-Flimsy · 2023-05-08T05:51:53+00:00

I refuse to believe she's a victim of circumstances. Yes, with how things are for her it sucks, but it definitely wasn't decided "for her", she's not a child anymore

mc0079 · 2023-05-08T16:22:46+00:00

This is a terrible example. This women (if you do some invesitgating) has been trying to get pregnant since her mid 20s, but has not and she cant afford IVF treatments anymore.

87AudreyHorne · 2023-05-08T07:42:46+00:00

And how many women who are married with kids cry because they feel stuck and wish they had careers and more freedom and had more fun in life

If men can have kids and careers so can women, why should that be an issue for one gender and not the other?

mrsmariekje · 2023-05-08T17:18:35+00:00

Fertility is still so misunderstood. People are always looking for someone or something to blame for infertility.

For the longest time, it was that God didn't want you to have a child and that's why you didn't have one. If only she'd have prayed more or given more tithes, then she'd have children.

Now God is dead, and the new hot thing to blame is that the woman waited too long and that's why she has no children. If only she'd have married at 23, then she'd have a gaggle.

In reality, fertility problems are disgustingly common amongst both young and old people. Reproduction is about the most complex biological process our bodies go through and the more you look into it the more you wonder how the human race ever managed to propagate itself at all.

Right wing men love to use poor fertility as a stick to beat women with. How surprised those men will be when their submissive and breedable 20 year old bride actually turns out to be not so breedable at all because she has PCOS, like 12% of the population, and doesn't actually ovulate.

KayRay1994 · 2023-05-08T06:10:09+00:00

I think the idea of “having it all” was a lie sold to women to get more of them involved in the workforce - now, to make this very clear, there is nothing wrong with women joining the workforce and they should have the freedom to do so as they please - but i do find it suspect that “having it all” as a concept began to became more relevant as more consumption was encouraged and as the economy evolved into needing two sources of income to run a family.

In an ideal world, a single income would be more than enough and either parent (legit doesn’t matter who), stays home and raises the children and the other works - i think the idea of equality would’ve worked out much better if both partners working wasn’t an absolute necessity to allow a household to even function.

With that out of the way - “having it all” is flat out impossible for anyone, time is a finite resource, and there will always be something you’ll have to sacrifice to gain something else - ie. if you wanna thrive in the corporate world, go right ahead, but do so knowing that you won’t have as much time for family, friends and fulfillment outside of the material world. If you wanna full on run a household, feel free, but also do so knowing that it would be done at the cost of your life outside of the household. Ultimately time is a finite resourced, and we need to stop pretending that doing everything is possible - take the time to learn who you are first and learn what you truly want, be okay with what you might be giving up and best of luck

Scarce12 · 2023-05-08T12:05:15+00:00

IVF isn't that hot statistically.

It's only really that useful when there's medical reasons for low fertility.

Otherwise you are statistically as likely to get pregnant by just having sex for a year.

I know couples who wanted an extra baby, so they just kept having sex, and after 5 years the baby was conceived, even though the woman was in her 40s by that time.

Sex becomes so much more enjoyable if you actually want to get pregnant.

EulenWatcher · 2023-05-08T06:00:50+00:00

This woman is divorced and has gone through IVF at least once according to this video. Without any other context I don’t think there’s enough info to say that her issue is “you can have it all”. It might be financial issues, it might be shitty previous marriage or infertility issues that can happen to anyone.

There always will be people regretting their decision to have or not to have kids. Check out the subreddit for regretful parents for some material on the topic if you’re curious. It doesn’t mean that the idea to stand on your legs and get some experience before you have kids is a bad idea. We should be realistic about our options - fertility does decline with age and we do have time limitations. It isn’t a good reason to have kids before you’re ready or even want them though. People should have realistic time frames, not rush into parenthood.

On another point we also should have realistic plans and expectations. Two high earning parents will have to hire a nanny or use day care services and they should be okay with it. Otherwise one of them will have to sacrifice their career and spend time at home. Parental leave for men should become far more common and accepted as well as the idea of men being as much of a parent as women are.

WYenginerdWY · 2023-05-08T09:16:49+00:00

Every time someone brings up this debate, I wonder where all the pearl clutching and hand wringing is over men who "want to have it all". Like, oh no, a man who wants to have an interesting and fulfilling career and be a dad.....wow that's only 85 percent of suburban America right there.

Neil Armstrong was a father of multiple children when he flew to the moon. He got to do both specifically because he had a nameless and unfamous missus that stayed home and wiped noses and cooked casseroles while he was cementing his place in history.

Every time women want a piece of the "cool" pie, someone has to show up and try to make it sound like we're asking for an engagement ring carved from Jupiter's rings.

eefr · 2023-05-08T05:55:17+00:00

How is having a career the source of her problem? She doesn't even mention that.

It sounds like her problem is having married a partner who didn't work out, having to get a divorce, and then not having enough money to afford to become a mother on her own.

mrsmariekje · 2023-05-08T08:42:30+00:00

All I see is a women grieving the fact that she has fertility problems. It's sad, but if she has fertility problems, she probably would have had problems conceiving in her youth as well. Youth is not a magical panacea. I have fertility problems and tried for 2.5 years to conceive my first at 22, and had god knows how many miscarriages. Up to 12% of women have PCOS which negatively affects your fertility. People are very ignorant on how difficult it can be to have a baby regardless of how old you are because the schools system spends all It's time hammering home how important it is to NOT get pregnant.

Salt_Mathematician24 · 2023-05-08T08:45:27+00:00

Sympathy? Seeing a woman suffer in any way with sex/dating/marriage/family is like candy to red pillers.

asdf333aza · 2023-05-08T11:23:29+00:00

I think it's a false narrative to get women to work HARDER than they actually have to. I think this is pushed by media to get women employee to work harder. Same way they told women entering the work force was empowering. In reality, it doubled the work force, overnight, droppwd the value of labor and made wages stagnant for decades to come.

You tell a girl to go out and get it all. And now breaking her back at the job for a company that doesn't give a fuck about it. And then goes home and still have to fulfill the wifely duties. You can work 12 hours, your husband is still going to expect passionate sex from you later. Your kids still demand to be fed. Bill still demand to be paid. You still gotta iron your clothes. Dog and cats still gotta go for walks. The narrative is for women to work harder to prove you're equal to men. And it's stresses you out. All this stress of yours transmuted into profit for some cooperation to benefit off of. Regardless if you work you finger to the bone or if you are a stay at home wife, men and children are still going to expect you to fulfill your womanly role. And if you don't, you won't have a husband and your kids will be taken from you. You can provide everything for yourself, but why would you want to when you can have someone who is willing to do it for you. Most guys have no problem being a stay at home dad and letting her pay all the bills, but we know that isn't a likely possibility, so we go to work. Women on the other hand, it's a very plausible thing to expect.

Due-Lie-8710 · 2023-05-08T09:18:10+00:00

If you as a woman don't have kids before 30 or 40 , you aren't a victim because you regret it , and I don't think you are owed sympathy, you can choose to do what you want but I am not going to sit here and pity because of choices you made when you had opportunities to choose to better or even do both in moderation ,that's on you

nonplussedminus · 2023-05-08T06:54:36+00:00

I heard the "my friends are getting married and having kids and I want that too but I am stuck here in college" conversation a lot when I was in college. It's also surprising how many young adult women don't seem to know their fertility goes down as they age. However, having an earnest conversation on that would be labelled evil and anti-feminist and all that, so I dunno. As a man femininism has taught me to not give women earnest opinions, so they must figure things out on their own. Adult responsibilities and all that.

Radiant_Specific6542 · 2023-05-08T10:41:24+00:00

Overly optimistic, for sure. I'm married, so I haven't thought about this for some time but I'm young to play devils advocate.

I'm a 30m, that's established in life. Let's go into a dream world and lets say I'm single. I wouldn't even consider a woman 28 or older as a viable dating option for marriage. As I get older, that number wouldn't change. And this isn't even personal attack. I need an x amount if time dating a woman before popping the question, and then having kids with her. Realistically I'd end up dating in the 21 to 24 range

That being said, to "have it all" the career aspect takes time and relationships can be a hindrance in the early stages.

Flightlessbirbz · 2023-05-08T11:46:35+00:00

You can’t always have it all, that is life. So I don’t agree with anyone who claims you can… sometimes life doesn’t work out that way and you give up certain things to have other things.

But I will say are also a LOT of moms who regret having children and/or giving up their careers to stay home with said children. It’s just more taboo to say that because people will come at you saying you’re a bad parent and don’t love your kids. There are whole online communities dedicated to people who regret having children. You can regret literally any choice you make in life… so to act like having kids in your 20s is automatically the right choice because maybe you won’t be able to later, is not the right conclusion to draw. Any more than saying “don’t have kids because you can’t get rid of them if you regret it,” isn’t either. You have to make that choice for yourself and unfortunately won’t know for sure if it’s the right one until it’s too late.

My mom had me at 36 and I’m sure part of the reason was she felt time was running out. She was in a bad marriage and my dad didn’t have a job that could support a family. She gave up a good career and got stuck in an abusive situation, and I suffered as well because of it. She doesn’t necessarily regret it because she loves me and loved being a mom, but she was happy without kids, and overall her quality of life was drastically reduced and had she never met me, she wouldn’t miss me. It was 100% a mistake. This stuff happens a lot.

Windmill_flowers · 2023-05-08T15:13:33+00:00

Thought this was gonna be another person asserting that women’s standards are too high and they all end up disappointed when Chad doesn’t pick/stay with them, but I was pleasantly surprised.

Sooo many people have fertility issues these days, and they don’t get better with age. Thankfully there’s info about this out there that’s increasing awareness, and women can get testing done to find out about their fertility long before they even want to start trying for babies. That info’s really helpful when making crucial life decisions.

Existing-Sign4804 · 2023-05-08T15:16:01+00:00

Technically, we can have it all. Reality, it’s a fucking nightmare, not a dream. I have a great career, had kids (adults now) and a husband. My ex husband was a useless twat who didn’t do anything for himself or the kids. Within ten years I was so burnt out I was forced to take several YEARS off work to regain my physical and mental health. “Have it all” is euphemism for “destroy your health working harder than anyone should ever have to”. I do not recommend it.

RRBeachFG2 · 2023-05-08T15:43:48+00:00

Hearing these women cry is always so disgusting, haven’t they ever heard of a tissue? Always so snotty…

HobbitShaker88 · 2023-05-08T16:06:41+00:00

Depending on how stressful/time consuming the job is, women can work full time and have a great family. It depends on the job and her support. Marriages that are 50/50 in this are ideal to me.

szclimber · 2023-05-08T20:58:18+00:00

This girl has serious infertility. Everything else is a distraction.

AllStickNoCarrot · 2023-05-08T21:35:11+00:00

It comes down to resources. Time and money. Some people are able to access and manage both to have the life they want. But everyone has a different set of obstacles and choices in their life that make acquiring and managing their resources easier or harder. This means that in order to live the same kind of life, two people will differ in the amount of effort and sacrifice they must contribute.

I'm very thankful for the life I was born into. I won't ever have the things that others might, not without sacrifice. But I'm able to live comfortably without much fear, and make myself happy.

bottomLobster · 2023-05-09T12:01:32+00:00

It is causing direct harm I think right now, especially for the less smart girls. Take the new "missing" Netflix movie - it only focuses on the man being the bad one, support for divorce and against abusive spouse etc, but it completely misses the fact it was initially the mother who choose this evil man on her own and probably over many more stable options.

MiddleZealousideal89 · 2023-05-08T07:05:05+00:00

I feel really sad for the woman in the video, but is she even talking about ''having it all''? Maybe she goes into more detail in other videos, but from this one, all we learned is that she has fertility issues, she can't afford another round of IVF, and she's divorced. Was she going for some high-powered career and that's why she put off having kids? Was it because of other reasons? We don't really know, so I don't know what was the point of posting this specific woman.

But I will agree that ''having it all'' is unrealistic. You can't be expected to be a grade A employee, a model parent, a great partner, a perfect homemaker & have time to spend on your interests, and friends, to stay in shape, etc. There are only so many hours in a day. We should all strive to have realistic expectations. If you know you really want kids, you should probably do it sooner, rather than later. Hopefully, you find the right partner to be able to do so. If you're meh on the idea of kids, you can wait a while and if you can't have kids naturally, you can adopt. Hopefully, you find the right partner to be able to do so. If you want kids, but you also want to kill it at the law firm, you're either going to have to hire a nanny or your partner has to stay home and handle the majority of childcare. Again, hopefully, you find someone like that. Unfortunately, sometimes you get dealt shit cards (or you actively chose them) and you have to adjust your expectations to the reality of the situation. Not everyone is going to be 100% happy with how things turned out for them/what they chose. There are plenty of people who regret not having kids, there are also plenty of people who regret having kids.

Fun_Community_6833 · 2023-05-08T13:56:19+00:00

Fertility lowers with age. However, she has infertility. She would have had the same issues conceiving when she was 24.

angelicasinensis · 2023-05-08T14:42:22+00:00

I had kids at 24 and can’t stress enough how happy I am that I had 3 kids before 30, they are my life and I love them so much, we’re actually considering going for a fourth. I think though that to be a really good mother trying to do both is really unrealistic, I have tried working from home and I always feel really unhealthy and stressed, but that said I also homeschool my kids, so maybe if they were in school it would be ok.

BusinessGarage2606 · 2023-05-08T06:00:18+00:00

I know women who have it all. They just didn't want to have many kids and refused to do majority of housework and childcare. My friend agreed to have a child but her husband had to take parental leave as well. Now she has career, time for herself and a family.

I almost have it all, but I'm still young so I probably will have it all. But I don't want to have kids now and in the future I will never agree on more than one. Also, I'm getting married in a month but it has never been my goal, so I don't treat it as an acheivement, it's just part of my life.

Also, a woman from your tik tok doesn't look like she tried to have it all. It looks like she just fucked up and doesn't have anything she wanted.

JasenBorne · 2023-05-08T09:08:12+00:00

the woman in the video doesn't say she chose a high flying career over children. she could have been trying to have biological children for the last 10 years for all we know. my sister-in-law's first round of IVF was when she was in her mid-twenties and it didn't take. when that happened she fell into a debilitating depression and then her and my brother had to save for a few years to try again. costs $10-15k just for one round and if you're not made of money and so depressed you can barely get out of bed you can't just do back-to-back rounds of IVF.

but yeah, very few people can have it all. it's too expensive.

Neat_Coyote_8187 · 2023-05-08T05:46:19+00:00

Boo fucking hoo

AutomaticMeaning3844 · 2023-05-08T06:44:37+00:00

Men struggle to get dates, let alone sexual intimacy, relationships or parenthood. No sympathy at all for a woman struggling to become a mother when she easily got dates, sex and relationships.

Welcome to the first impasse in your life.

Conscious_Ad_6572 · 2023-05-08T10:48:30+00:00

you can barely have anything,

Woman being fed Disney is what got us into this mess

TermAggravating8043 · 2023-05-08T07:51:58+00:00

“Having it all” is fine and realistic IF you’ve got the right partner, this women did not and unfortunately found out to have fertility issues which I have complete sympathies for but she’s just been unlucky in life

We can’t start earning young women that if you know you want to have kids you better have them early cause you know what will happen? It’ll be a wave of single mothers cause the women isn’t taking the time to ensure she’s got a good one, a wave of middle aged angry woman unable to make money since their trapped raising kids they weren’t ready for. A wave of single men because they don’t want to be fathers.

Having kids earlier biologically might be more beneficial for woman but it’s not logically or practical or financially and when it comes to having kids a GOOD parent knows these are just as important

deste_eloise · 2023-05-08T05:55:46+00:00

What does this woman have to do with “having it all”? She’s a mess and she has nothing, sadly.

roger61962 · 2023-05-08T07:04:44+00:00

The feminist dream of independence comes at a price too. Women do all the things they did before plus the career.

The pressure is great they feel.

fiftypoundpuppy · 2023-05-08T05:33:35+00:00

I forgot apparently that fostering and adoption doesn't exist 🙄

If a woman has built up her career then she could afford to adopt. So yeah, she can "have it all" if she wants to. No sympathy here. No one needs to biologically bear children - especially if they're really so desperate to be a parent. Then they should welcome it in whatever form it comes, yes?

Thekurdishprince · 2023-05-08T08:14:48+00:00

Yes it will never come across well from a man telling them a dose of reality. You saw that with the late Kevin Samuels.

Let them find out for themselves and suffer! That is the only way the indoctrination can be overridden.

ChadChasingB · 2023-05-08T10:11:03+00:00

I feel for her, but this isn't a case of trying to have it all. She's upset because of a divorce settlement and that was her last realistic chance at pregnancy because of multiple factors. Can you have it all if one spouse decides they no longer want the same dream and leave? No, but I don't see men or women claiming that is having it all.

SecondEldenLord · 2023-05-08T09:34:14+00:00

Having being told you can have it all is like telling a child that as well. They become spoiled, entitled, are used to hearing yes all the time and once they face reality, they become overly emotional and don't know what to do.

Diddy_1978 · 2023-05-08T09:47:17+00:00

Sounds like this woman, who is now 36 and divorced for 3 years already, had actually all lined up nicely. Sounds like they were going through IVF with the ex husband and that the embryos she made with him were destroyed because court/husband/clinic decided so after the divorce. If they had gone through ivf it means they had fertility issues already when she was 30 or younger. Some people have issues with infertility whatever their age. This woman needs therapy because she is grieving the loss of the life she has envisioned and which is not happening. It’s not because she left it too late, it’s because sometimes life doesn’t go as planned. She is clearly depressed. States she doesn’t have a support system, financial stability, health.

armpitpics · 2023-05-08T13:44:28+00:00

The narrative that you can have a successful career and children isn't a lie. This has been achieved by many women whose husbands do their fair share of housework and child-care, and by women who are not afraid to not be the primary caregiver 100% of the time. The problem is that this narrative started while traditional gender roles were still the norm and women were still expected to be the primary care-givers. This is why you never see the "have it all" discussions brought up when people talk about men and their careers, because men are not expected to take care of their kids at the expense of it and nobody frowns at men leaving all the childcare to their wives. You can have a career and children as a woman, what you can't have is a career and a pseudo-traditional relationship where you do most of the childcare.

Dagenius1 · 2023-05-08T16:27:16+00:00

I wish this woman well. I’m guessing the comments here are pretty rough but it’s never good to see a woman cry and lamenting her not having the children that she wanted. It’s sad.

Waiting past 30 to have kids is a dangerous game. That’s all I’ll say and I’m speaking from experience.

Wishing everyone well

Illustrious-Line-996 · 2023-05-08T06:22:44+00:00

I couldn't help but laugh at this video. It so pathetic to base your happiness off having kids.

decoy88 · 2023-05-08T10:41:15+00:00

“You can have it all” is a product of American consumerism. It’s never been possible, for anyone.

Pathosgrim · 2023-05-08T06:35:33+00:00

It is a positive thing. "Never settle" comes to mind.

neetykeeno · 2023-05-08T08:41:22+00:00

Life's full of potentially missing out and missed opportunities no matter what you do and humans have always had to deal with that. I don't feel any more sorry for her than I do for the dudes whining about never experiencing young love because they were kind of slow working out that it didn't just happen it required someone to overcome inertia to make it happen.

Some people do have something very close to "it all" and that's just reality. For quite a few women a fairly good career and two or three kids is a possibility if she wants it and is willing to work. Some men get a high school romance, sex all through college and then a great career and marriage and kids. Those people are peak humans. I don't think we should discourage them just because someone somewhere who fucked up is having a whine.

januaryphilosopher · 2023-05-08T10:18:04+00:00

If we didn't encourage people to wait to have children when they're ready, we'd have a lot more people crying about having children before they're ready and missing out. It's a lot easier to have children at any time in life (you can adopt) than to take a child back, which you can't exactly do, so I'd rather people were too late than too early. Nobody is being scared about not having children though, if anything women especially are very much scared into the opposite (I've been told that without children I'll be lonely and miserable since I was a teenager, and I dread to think how it'll be when I get to the kind of age people actually have children).

fakingandnotmakingit · 2023-05-08T10:24:25+00:00

No one can have it all. Not women. Not men.

But most women I know who wanted kids but didn't have them didn't do it just for career reasons or some "have it all" fantasy

They didn't have them because they didn't have the right partner. And having kids with the wrong guy (like a guy not willing to do 50/50 or does not have your same values) is probably going to be worse than no kids.

AnyIntroduction3288 · 2023-05-08T12:50:58+00:00

Wait so this lady says that she spent years trying to be financially ready for a child, but she couldn’t. Right?

Whenever I say I need a man who makes enough money to support a family with a SAHM, which is over $100k in California, I have a plethora of men coming out and telling me I am too demanding, my standards are too high, that I should make my own money, and that I am a gold digger.

I don’t have women telling me that. I have men saying those things.

I also hear MEN going out of their way to say that it’s hypergamous for a woman to expect a man to financially support a family or that women who make enough to support a family and expect a man to do the same are overly picky and demanding and that their financial equals all want 19 year old Stacie’s.

So when MEN tell us constantly that we can’t expect them to be able to support a family and kids, then what do we do? We say “fine, I will make enough money MYSELF.”

gofigure62 · 2023-05-08T13:17:56+00:00

Women can have it all if they earn enough to outsource a majority of the domestic and childcare to someone else.

Or if they have a partner that equally contributes.

Women's difficulties typically stems from women having it all and doing a majority of it all alone, even with a partner in the picture.

The issue is that women typically choose partners that aren't helpmates. They pick someone that is a burden and ends up making their lives more difficult and complicated than it needs to be. Women have a problem with living in their heads regarding the best case scenario and fantasy projection of their partners potential, instead of living in reality. So she'll often enter into relationships that never should have happened in the first place and jump through hoops/go through hell on the delusional belief that one day the relationship will match whatever fantasy she made up in her mind.

Women often attach themselves to a partner that is a "project" and they feel that after putting X amount of time, resources, and love into a partner that they'll magically transform into the best version of themselves that they see in that partner. Instead of just accepting people as they are and where they are.

TLDR: Women disproportionately burden themselves by entering into relationships with people that drag them down or make their lives more complicated. Women could have it all if they chose people who actually made their lives easier and helped them, instead of choosing partners that need to be babied and taken care of.

Extreme-Boot-8792 · 2023-05-08T05:46:11+00:00

everry woman has her own priorities, so its not about "all"

by example, some women have height requirems like 6'3, because she does not wanna have short sons, so its up to herself to decide

just my 2 cents

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AngeCruelle · 2023-05-08T08:15:48+00:00

Depends on the individual's priorities and how they define "it all."

My mom has a PhD, makes six figures, and is happily married. She sacrificed having a conventional social life at a relatively young age and made her career, spouse, and children everything. If a person wants the career, spouse, children, weekly martini night with the girls, spa days, social media, etc. etc. equally then yeah something has to give.

l1vefrom215 · 2023-05-08T12:47:53+00:00

“Having it all” is a badge of honor for bougie women to aspire to. Often they don’t actually “have it all” and by that I mean they have extensive help at home (nanny/grandparents), a subpar career (maybe in HR) that is continually hampered by other commitments, a shitty social life, a supportive husband, and no hobbies to speak of other than yoga/peloton. You can indeed have it all but you better be wealthy or extremely focused without any leisure time.

“Having it all” doesn’t mean you’re happy though. I’ve seen this time and again in my social circle with my female friends. They have a great career going and then have kids. Some of them immediately give up their career despite their previous intentions of keeping it because it’s “just too much”, “they don’t need the money”, or “they want to spend more time with their kids.” Some are determined to keep it and do, but they are always frazzled and express regrets about “missing out on their kids”. The only family I’ve seen do this completely successfully is where the man was more of a blue collar charming Chad and the wife was a successfully attorney. Wife completely kept her job and husband did 100% of the child care/ housekeeping. They were both happy with the arrangement and understood their roles, she had an excellent career, and their kids were well looked after. Husband was also extremely good looking and fit. He was basically the male equivalent of a female trophy wife if that makes sense.

You can “have it all” but I think the better question is do you want it all if having it all means you do a couple things shittily and are always stressed. I know the answer for me, but I think a lot of people women feel bad about themselves when their life smacks up against this dilemma.

yvaN_ehT_nioJ · 2023-05-08T13:38:16+00:00

gate18 · 2023-05-08T14:59:52+00:00

Is the "you can have it all" narrative actually doing women more harm than good?

Why only women?

You, yes you, you don't know one single man that has it all. None.

You picked one woman. Go back 10 years before 1982, 100 years before 1982, 500 years before 1982, and you will find 1 woman, 10 women, 100 women that weren't "financially stable enough".

The narrative that "you can have it all" is fake even for men. Ask them.

The narrative that "you do anything" you want is better. And, again go back before 1982s and women never had it better with anything. It's just a fact.

ComfortableOk5003 · 2023-05-08T15:08:35+00:00

Most PEOPLE can’t have it all not just women. Sadly women more often than men believe they can

ManzBearzPigzIzRealz · 2023-05-08T15:43:05+00:00

You CAN have it all…just not all at once.

Safinated · 2023-05-08T17:15:09+00:00

That’s not what this video is about, and everyone who doesn’t live under a rock knows female fertility declines after 30

And between having babies you don’t want vs not having babies you do want, I know which is preferable from a functional modern society standpoint

Royal-Tip4585 · 2023-05-08T18:14:06+00:00

They can have it all as long as their mothers are fine also helping mother the children and they have a community of other women they can rely on.

But independently it’s next to importable.

bread93096 · 2023-05-08T18:45:58+00:00

I commend her for waiting until she was financially stable to try for children, even if it didn’t work out. The hard facts are, if you conceive in your early 20s during peak fertility, you will likely not have the financial and social resources to provide your child with a decent life, because it takes until like age 35 to earn a decent wage in our fucked up economy. This video is a sad reflection on the state of modern capitalism, not one woman’s individual choices. She tried to do the responsible thing and it didn’t work out.

OP, if you were a woman, would you have been prepared to become a mother at age 21? How much money were you bringing home at that age?

blueberrypie02 · 2023-05-08T20:02:07+00:00

Nothing in that tiktok suggests she is a woman that wanted to ‘have it all’. It’s quite obvious she faced issues with infertility that are unusual for other women around her age, that’s why she froze her eggs at 30.

Lots of women manage to have it all by the definition you gave-having a career and kids later in life is the norm in a lot of fields that are highly paid. The women that also managed to ‘get it all’ are also very adaptable individuals. Adaptability is a skill that will help the woman from the tiktok you posted to get over her situation and find other ways to get what she wants. Her unexpected circumstances don’t represent the norm so it’s faulty to draw any generalisation from it.

bluestjuice · 2023-05-08T22:11:45+00:00

I can see you’re trying to prompt an interesting conversation, but watching this video it just doesn’t seem relevant to the topic. It’s not truly clear that trying to have it all is at the root of this person’s suffering. We don’t know everything about their life choices, but there’s no real indication they postponed pregnancy in order to pursue financial or career success. Getting hit with the double whammy of infertility and then divorce is going to do a number on one’s plans to have kids no matter how much they prioritized it.

Obviously the person in the clip is grieving the life they had hoped to have as a mother, and those emotions are raw and hard to see.

GoldenHornyChicken · 2023-05-11T14:08:41+00:00

What's so unrealistic about it ? A master degree is ~5 years, meaning people are able to start their careers around 23. Let's say 26/28 if you want to do a PhD. By that time, the ones wishing to have a family probably have met their long time partners and are living their best romantic years with them, as well as planning a stable future to start making kids in their late 20/early 30. What's the problem here ? The woman of the video is struggling with fertility issues and a divorce.

ruminajaali · 2023-05-13T14:02:31+00:00

We can have it all, just not all at once

Title	Is the "you can have it all" narrative actually doing women more harm than good?
Author	Windmill_flowers
Upvotes	44
Comments	461
Date	May 8, 2023 5:31 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/13bf4aa/is_the_you_can_have_it_all_narrative_actually/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/is-the-you-can-have-it-all-narrative-actually.1218653 https://theredarchive.com/post/1218653

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