Why is "feeling like a dancing monkey" so triggering for you?

-hypnose · 2026-02-15T15:47:15+00:00

I would feel really bad if a man felt he had to perform and exhaust himself while hanging out with me. Why force a connection if it's not there and you are not having fun?

Talking_Tanuki · 2026-02-15T15:44:55+00:00

I don’t think people really realize how dehumanizing online dating can be. It just doesn’t feel natural. Ideally, you’d go on a date with someone you already know a little, someone you’re pretty sure you at least enjoy being around. You’re supposed to enjoy getting to know each other, not treat it like an assembly line where you try to meet as many women as possible. It’s supposed to be exciting, not humiliating.

I can see both sides, though. It’s not fun feeling like you have to carry the whole conversation while the other person barely tries. And it’s also not great when someone treats the date like it’s just a mission to hook up instead of actually enjoying the time together.

It’s also frustrating to hear this as women who don’t even date that way. My husband and I met in real life. Yes, he asked me out first, but I didn’t expect him to carry the whole conversation or pay for everything. It was exciting, fun, and a little nerve-wracking. But we were both there because we wanted to be, not because we felt obligated. You could compare it to the attitude some women have where sex feels like a chore. The immediate reaction to that is “If you don’t even want it that much, then just stop doing it and leave me alone.”

pie-mart · 2026-02-15T16:17:39+00:00

The reason “feeling like a dancing monkey” rubs me the wrong way isn’t because I think men shouldn’t ever put in effort. Effort is normal. Mutual effort is healthy. What feels demeaning is the framing of it as performing tricks to earn baseline validation from another human being. No one should feel like they have to jump through arbitrary hoops just to be treated with basic respect. Not men. Not women.

If a man feels like he has to constantly impress, entertain, compete, strategize, or outshine other men just to get a woman to see him as worthy of basic consideration, something is already off. And I would say the same thing in reverse. If I felt like I had to perform femininity, sexuality, or emotional labor nonstop just to keep a man’s attention, that would also be unhealthy. Building attraction and building a bond are not the same thing as auditioning.

It should not feel like The Bachelor where you are competing for a rose. It should feel like two people mutually discovering whether they enjoy each other. Effort should feel natural and reciprocal, not like a job interview where one side holds all the power.

And I genuinely do not want a man to feel like he has to “earn” my validation through arbitrary tricks. The only thing anyone should have to earn is trust. And trust goes both ways. He earns mine, I earn his. That is normal. That is healthy.

But if what someone means by “dancing monkey” is “I had to show basic social skills, kindness, consistency, and interest,” that is not demeaning. That is just participating in adult courtship. There is a difference between mutual effort and degrading performance.

Also, if someone consistently feels like love has to be earned through achievement, status, or outperforming others, that often traces back to conditional affection. A lot of people grow up receiving praise, reassurance, or warmth only when they succeed. So they internalize this idea that love equals performance. That is not misogyny necessarily. But it is unhealthy.

Healthy attraction feels like momentum. It feels like curiosity, chemistry, shared energy. It does not feel like proving your worth every five minutes.

And I think that is what some women are reacting to when they push back on that phrase. Because when you say you feel like a dancing monkey, it implies the woman is sitting there as a superior judge, demanding tricks, dehumanizing you.

Most women are not sitting on a throne waiting to be impressed. We are just deciding if we feel safe, attracted, and emotionally aligned.

If someone feels like they are constantly performing instead of being enjoyed for who they are, the solution is not to resent the other gender. The solution is to walk away and find someone where the energy is mutual.

Because it should be a pleasure to build a bond. Not a chore. Not a competition. Not an audition.

love_in_october · 2026-02-15T15:33:55+00:00

You couldn't possibly imagine why it's hurtful to someone when you complain about interacting with them (especially as the examples of being a "dancing monkey" are talking, asking questions, going on dates, interacting with them on a normal level besides sex essentially) and say they make you feel used?

icypiee · 2026-02-15T18:40:39+00:00

Men want women more than women want men

So you better dance monkey

toasterchild · 2026-02-15T15:46:45+00:00

Women repeatedly say they don't want to date men who perform for them. We just want to chat and get to know you, the real you.

If you don't like your real self so much you feel the need to perform for people that's something only you yourself can fix. If you're so miserable to be around that people wouldn't like you if they knew the real you that's also not their fault.

leosandlattes · 2026-02-15T15:52:58+00:00

If he sees hanging out and having fun as “dancing monkey” stuff as the cost of getting sex from me, it tells me that he views relationships transactionally instead of as a mutually enjoyed bond.

Avast_Lion · 2026-02-16T22:38:10+00:00

Nothing wrong with the term. I like how you draw the parallel between "dancing monkey" and "piece of meat." Sometimes you really do feel like you are degrading yourself by performing something stupid for someone way more powerful than yourself. That said, sometimes people say that certain useful and effective dating strategies are ALWAYS dancing monkey strategies, like, say, reading up on the interests of someone you like or being polite, friendly, and engaged or doing a hobby or whatever.

Lemon_gecko · 2026-02-15T15:11:37+00:00

"I feel like for a lot of you this is like an admission of mysoginy or a man hating all women." - because it is. When i ask what is "dancing monkey" like what do you have to do, you all describe basic dating, talking and spending time with women. So yeah, if you hate it so much - then you hate women.

ValeWho · 2026-02-15T15:31:57+00:00

From what I understand the dancing monkey has to put more effort in than the other person right?

Personally I expect my potential partner to at least 1 make time for me (a reasonable amount of time) and 2. Show an interest in me as a person.

I will obviously do the same in reverse

And apart from that I want a potential partner to be as excited about me as I am about them. So I want them to match my energy (unless life gets temporary in the way of that). So if I am made to feel like the dancing monkey then my thought process would be "ok this person is either a) not reciprocating my feelings or b) thinks of themselves as a pride to be earned instead of my equal" both options I do not like. So I would move on. And I think moving on from someone who is not showing interest in you is the reasonable thing to do.

So the better question is why do some men spend so much time and energy on women that make them feel like a dancing monkey?

JustGeminiThings · 2026-02-15T18:16:35+00:00

And what is a court jester or a dancing monkey? Like if I go out on a date and I look like a slob and I have no interest in talking, flirting, and listening - then why am I there? This phrase always makes it seem like putting your best foot forward and at least being interested in your date and being out is some onerous task - but I do all that. It's the whole point of being there. And maybe there's no overlap but at the same time there are all these guys expecting nothing less than to have their clothes ripped off at first sight to prove "enthusiastic" desire.

softrevolution_ · 2026-02-15T18:36:06+00:00

In the pursued/pursuer dynamic, men have to impress

Bzzt, this is where it goes off the rails for me. I'm not into the pursued-pursuer dynamic. I don't want to be danced for. I want the discoveries of what makes the other person so fantastic to be mutual. Either we're both dancing or neither of us is.

SnooCats37 · 2026-02-15T16:17:19+00:00

So don’t online date. The internet needs to stop being the third space.

Sonia314 · 2026-02-16T07:02:32+00:00

I haven't heard the term before. The dating dynamic you've described doesn't make me feel triggered or defensive, it just makes me feel sad that my wonderful male friends and family members and all the rest have to go through that and try to think of ways I can help things be easier for them. Empathy about that is a lot of why I'm on this sub.

Siukslinis_acc · 2026-02-16T08:20:28+00:00

Because i want the person yo genuinelly want to do it and not just doing it because it will attract me. Forcing yourself to do something can lead to resentment down the road, which can lead to more bad things, which can result in a breakup.

A friend of mine saying "i pretended to be interested in your thing, so why can't you pretend to be interested in my thing?" when i rejected a thing because i wasn't interested in it was the cataclysm of me ending the friendship as it made me realise that the whole friendship was built on a lie.

Theawkwardmochi · 2026-02-16T14:54:33+00:00

What does "feeling like a dancing monkey" even mean and why would women feel triggered by that?

Flightlessbirbz · 2026-02-15T17:34:12+00:00

Because usually when men are pressed to give examples of being a “dancing monkey,” it’s just basic social interaction. Like if one of my girl friends said “Ugh, I hate being expected to get dressed and go for coffee and make conversation and laugh and ask questions and listen to my friend’s problems as if I care, I feel like a dancing monkey,” I’d assume she just didn’t like me.

Now, some nuance is important here. Because if a guy is talking about a woman who expects him to pay for expensive dates and entertain her but shows little to no interest in him as a person, then he’s right to feel used. It’s just that usually, effort in dating goes both ways, but men will act like pleasant interaction with a woman is this horrible effort they have to make for a chance at sex. And of course no woman wants a man who feels this way about spending time with her.

ThatBitchA · 2026-02-15T18:44:42+00:00

Because it's used to describe talking to a woman.

If y'all feel like talking to a woman is akin to y'all being a dancing monkey, that's fine.

But don't expect women to not be offended that you feel like talking to us is you being "feeling like a dancing monkey."

growframe · 2026-02-15T15:15:56+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Icy_Ad_4544 · 2026-02-15T17:26:35+00:00

To me it comes off as saying the man is being inauthentic to who he truly is. That feels dishonest and I don’t think most people want to be lied to.

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bondepart · 2026-02-15T15:42:02+00:00

Men expect women to be perfectly groomed, have shaved their legs, put on makeup, have their hair done, have a perfect figure, wear an expensive dress and heels and perfume, and turn up and laugh at their boring jokes.

Meanwhile men just turn up in a t-shirt they flung on and talk about themselves, and then act like that’s too much to ask.

ComplexAttitude4Lyfe · 2026-02-16T04:43:11+00:00

For me, it's the sense that men (particularly red pill in this case) are infantilizing women by comparing us to children who only want to be entertained and will move on to the next shiny toy when we get bored.

They caution we're looking for that simp who will keep us enthralled, who has to out perform himself always or we'll monkey branch to someone who fulfills our need for performance.

Instead of seeing us as partners looking for someone compatible, someone who we can build lives with.

ResponsibilityAny217 · 2026-02-16T17:45:26+00:00

No one made this guy do this. If he didn't want to do it he didn't have too. Women weren't going to beat him for not doing so.

Its some guy that got up and decided to do something then complaining about his choices.

If you don't want to do it then don't do it. I don't want him to do it if he doesn't want to do it. It's not necessary. Then if you do do it don't constantly complain bc u choose to do it or not do it.

Title	Why is "feeling like a dancing monkey" so triggering for you?
Author	FuuraKafu
Upvotes	26
Comments	487
Date	February 15, 2026 3:09 PM UTC (5 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1r5gx7n/why_is_feeling_like_a_dancing_monkey_so/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/why-is-feeling-like-a-dancing-monkey-so-triggering.1573543 https://theredarchive.com/post/1573543

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