paying for the first date

Friedidli · 2022-04-20T08:56:34+00:00

Always split.

Any woman who takes offence is a bullet i missed.

Barneysparky · 2022-04-20T09:28:55+00:00

If you are meeting someone for the first time I think it should be called a meet, not a date. You can make plans for a date if all goes well after you each get your own coffee.

Back in my day going Dutch was something only teens did. Offering to pay when you were out with a man was a clear sign you were not interested in him, Dear Abby told young women to always keep enough money on you to pay for yourself and get yourself home in case the date went south.

I think today new couples can figure out what works for them, and that's a good thing. It's your first chance to see how you communicate with each other, which in a relationship is vital.

Pants-down · 2022-04-20T08:51:58+00:00

I pay for all the dates. It's worked out well for me so far.

Vtridolla · 2022-04-20T08:09:19+00:00

Well whatever your take on who pays for first dates, I think we can all agree that paragraphs are important.

Also who ever asks pays poof.

djadamdutch · 2022-04-20T09:13:45+00:00

Go dutch.

thetacobitch · 2022-04-20T11:26:50+00:00

Men paying for dinner dates back to when women didn't participate in workforce and had no income. If both men and women have incomes, careers and jobs it's ridiculous beyond belief that men should still pay everything.

wrathofkalima · 2022-04-20T13:47:21+00:00

I say do what is successful you. I’m a woman and I wouldn’t date a man who doesn’t pay for the first date but those are MY standards. Men who don’t want to pay are not obligated to date me and I’m not obligated to date them. We’re in different realms.

Snowbattt · 2022-04-20T09:18:59+00:00

Split. Always. If women want equality, then they have to accept this. If they take offence by this, I'm no longer interested.

Valuable-Marzipan761 · 2022-04-20T08:47:39+00:00

I always have done, just to try make a good first impression. worst case I've lost the price of one meal which isn't a huge deal.

hairy_bamboo · 2022-04-20T08:06:12+00:00

If it's a cheap first date I don't mind paying. If its a fancy place, it should be 50/50, but if you're wealthy enough, then does it really matter? Cheap 1st date imo already should vet out gold diggers and those who go on dates just for food.

Stunning-Potato-1984 · 2022-04-20T14:43:44+00:00

Honestly I am wondering what the financial state of PPD men is, always want to do something cheap.

Skycat9 · 2022-04-20T09:47:53+00:00

I never paid for a first date in my life and I've been on loads. I'm happy to buy the first drink, but I presume she will buy the second round

jonascf · 2022-04-20T09:49:25+00:00

I only do coffee dates where we each pay for our own stuff. Has worked very well for me so far.

NockerJoe · 2022-04-20T08:24:59+00:00

The gesture matters more than the actual payment. Women who've offered to pay for me clearly made their intentions known by doing so, and when I've been refused thats also a signal theres no second date happening. But in this context its also understood that this date shouldn't be super expensive and coffee or an inexpensive meal is fine.

HOWEVER if someone lets you pay without argument or thanks this is usually a sign they're someone to avoid. If one party wanting to pay is a sign of afffection, then how you respond in turn is just the same. If you paying on a first date is taken as a matter of course this is generally a sign of a lack of respect and that they aren't really into you.

Ideally I think the solution is to pay but get a promise that she'll pick up on the second date, which is probably also not going to break the bank. That or she picks up the tab for something else on the same date. Its a symbolic gesture that goes a long, long way.

wtknight · 2022-04-20T12:20:25+00:00

I’d pay for coffee on a first date because it’s inexpensive. I wouldn’t pay for dinner on a first date because I’d never have an expectation of intimacy on a first date. First dates are for two people to get to know each other’s personalities better. That level of casualness means that a meal or even alcoholic drinks shouldn’t be involved. Any woman who has an alternative view would be a hard next because our personalities would not match.

Complex-Glass-8539 · 2022-04-20T16:57:51+00:00

Why the fuck are all you guys dating like this? Like, stop dating like that.

Dinner and a movie is not a “get a girlfriend” activity, it’s a “with a girlfriend” activity.

Getting a girlfriend shouldn’t involve many, if any activities that cost you money directly on someone else. We have texting now to have conversations around what we like, don’t like, and are looking for. The face to face meetings are all about chemistry, that’s it. Invite her for a hike, invite her out with your friends, maybe a coffee, but god damn….get off OLD folks, that shit is cancer. Go into the world and thrive on chemistry, a lot less work, for significantly better rewards. When you ain’t out, live your life and better yourself instead of trying to find someone. When you want to date someone get out of the house, talk to strangers and learn how to do that. When you want to get to know people, do activities, don’t just sit and talk.

Reading posts like this makes me want to tear my hair out sometimes that people actually think this traditional strategy is good in any way. Guess it’s good for me, as it certainly differentiates me out there, but Christ kids, you can do better.

jah-roole · 2022-04-20T15:20:04+00:00

Most of you who want to split are poor, uncultured or straight up cheap. In any of those cases if I were a woman, that would have been the last thing we did together. Yikes, this approach might work in some cultures but is severely looked down upon in the majority of others so I wish you luck with all of that 😂

icanchi · 2022-04-20T12:59:35+00:00

Y'all want a woman who is femenine, well dressed, well educated, goes fully groomed for a date, be financially stable, fit, has hobbies, be smart. And yet still debating if you have to afford a 20 bucks dinner? Noel keep in mind most of us has extra money if we have to run away from a creep during a date which is very usual nowadays, and be aware of the movements the man makes.

Wanna do the maths? Do you know how much skin care, makeup, clothes, gym, therapist，college, courses, transportation cost?

Go to hell, dating sucks. Thankfully I am in a relationship already and it's a good partner, because in this shitty scenario I'd rather die alone with a dex toy and my cat.

TermAggravating8043 · 2022-04-20T08:23:02+00:00

50/50. However the first date really should just be something casual like coffee

DrinkItInMan11 · 2022-04-20T08:37:02+00:00

Depends, $10 Coffee date? (Which you should be doing, never take a woman for dinner for a first date) sure.

Dinner date though? Hell no.

Basically

Cheap date = pay for her

Expensive date = split the bill.

pm_me_hairy_nudes · 2022-04-20T17:32:55+00:00

If a man is panicking that making a good first impression is a waste of $20, he doesn't fucking like you. There's subtext here. Offering to pay means "I might be serious about you" for men and "I can't treat you back because I won't see you again, but you might be bitter and harass me afterwards. here's some money to avoid that situation, bye" for women.

Katatonicsnake · 2022-04-20T10:37:58+00:00

Not a man, but I just don’t see this as an issue. When I was dating, I would usually pay, or we would split. The only one I let pay on the first date was my husband, because I was serious with him.

Jonesw16 · 2022-04-20T10:58:53+00:00

I'm paying ever penny if that person is my woman.

If she's not mine, we split the bill but the thing is if we split, that woman could ghost me as she doesn't want to pay, if I pay, she could take advantage of the free meal and ghost me yet again. There's a bit of a paradox here but whatever weeds the bad ones out I guess.

theshadowbudd · 2022-04-20T13:32:02+00:00

Dont take anyone out on a date unless you’ve already fucked. Don’t treat a woman like a GF if she’s not. Modern dating is a wild world and single woman doesn’t mean lonely woman.

Don’t fatten the frog for the snake 💯

KirthWGersen · 2022-04-20T08:53:20+00:00

If I have never met a women in person before, I always meet for drinks and eat before I leave the house (so I don't get too drunk too quickly). If she wants to get something to eat while we are out, she can.

If we already know each other, we also meet for drinks (you are seeing a pattern). If we feel like eating, we will pop in somewhere and get something. Only once in my long life has a woman expected me to pay. I didn't, and I ended it there. Four years later, she still contacts me, trying for another chance!

I think it is completely ridiculous to expect the other person to pay for you to eat. It must be an American cultural thing, because it seems really odd where I come from.

krischens · 2022-04-20T15:00:57+00:00

Wait, did you even read the article? He says to pay for the first date to weed out bitches from potential partners.

Form the article:

“So let’s say at the end of the date, you pull out your wallet, you offer to pay and your date just sits there, expecting you to pay, as if that is the obvious course of action. In that moment, what did you just learn?” he questions. “You just learned that the person in front of you is entitled and frankly has the audacity to expect a near-stranger to pay for them.”

NotADoctorAnymore · 2022-04-20T15:58:15+00:00

Why tf would I take dating advice from an attorney? I split on the first date. Not paying for a strangers night out or participating in prostitution

Mouse1701 · 2022-04-20T16:22:28+00:00

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BigDudBoy · 2022-04-20T18:45:33+00:00

Didn't expect to find so many simps here. Never pay for dinner unless she's your girlfriend. Anyone saying "if you ask, you pay" just conveniently ignores guys have to ask 99% of the time. I'll split the bill till I die and if a girl is offended by that they were looking for a simp anyways. Always remember the survey where 1/3rd of women admitted to going on a date solely for a free meal (real % is likely higher too).

WilliamWyattD · 2022-04-20T19:31:01+00:00

The who pays issue is a tricky one because it doesn't make much sense for men to pay given modern equality. However, at the same time, old notions still persist. The truth is that the game theory is messed up here. A guy isn't going to change the world by not paying or splitting. Usually, his own interests are overall best served by paying, even if this runs counter to the overall interests of men in general.

In time, social customs may change, but for now, it is better for the individual guy to pay IMO. There are exceptions.

It should also be noted that one of the complications with the 'who pays' issue is that it was not ONLY about a man paying because he was a man. It was also about the person who did the asking and planning paying--this avoids the issue of taking someone out to a place they cannot afford, and the awkwardness that surrounds that. So it will be a hard issue to solve so long as men tend to initiate. The last thing one wants is to make the first date, and asking out, even more awkward and complicated by having to also negotiate what kinds of places the person being asked out can afford before you two even know one another.

AnnoKano · 2022-04-20T20:35:22+00:00

Nothing gets women's panties wet like being a skinflint curmudgeon.

verdeluxcifer · 2022-04-21T08:12:06+00:00

I have been out with women who like to flip the script and treat me. It’s a cool gesture

Mondholm · 2022-04-20T10:01:17+00:00

women should pay for dates exclusively the next 10 years to make up for centuries of female enforced sexism

Over_North8884 · 2022-04-20T08:33:45+00:00

This is why I do coffee for the first date. Once the person demonstrates seriousness via sex then I'm willing to spend more. Gotta filter out the foodies and friendzoners.

mumblebumblegrumble · 2022-04-20T09:34:12+00:00

Maybe 1 on 1 dates should be replaced with inviting people when going out with friends. That way men don't feel pressured to pay and since it's a group setting instead of 1 on 1 they can get to know each other without the woman feeling pressured for sex either. There's the added bonus of the friend group sering if the person fits in.

MR_Shigitoshi · 2022-04-20T10:34:58+00:00

Yes, definitely pay however if she doesn't reciprocate in her own way then run

Flightlessbirbz · 2022-04-20T12:24:46+00:00

If you ask, you offer to pay. Imo this isn’t anything incredibly special for dates, if you were trying to be courteous to a friend or client, you’d probably offer to pay too. Now personally, I tend to offer to split the bill anyway, as I think this is also polite. Whether he accepts or insists doesn’t really matter. Imo this scenario shows both people are fairly courteous and neither has some kind of chip on their shoulder. Making a big deal over the price of one meal is the red flag for me, not the actual money. If a man won’t make the gesture to pay when he asked, that tells me he’s either very cheap or there’s underlying resentment toward women, both of which are dealbreakers. I am happy to split costs, but I won’t deal with a man who is miserly or combative.

sarkington · 2022-04-20T14:44:15+00:00

You shouldn’t be going on dinner dates

Even rich people don’t do them anymore

If you invite a stranger somewhere, be prepared to pay. That’s basic manners, whether it involves sex or not.

panascope · 2022-04-20T15:44:28+00:00

Honestly if you're super concerned about her $30 bill for dinner or whatever you're probably not financially ready to date in the first place.

Pants-down · 2022-04-20T14:56:44+00:00

Wow. Ok, some homework for the guys on this thread: Nut up, go out, and take a lady on a proper date. Buy that lady some flowers. Show her a good time. See what happens.

Don’t believe everything you read, fellas. Buying dinner doesn’t make you a pushover; it makes you a gentleman. And quality ladies still like gentlemen. If you’re simply unable to avoid being taken advantage of, move back in with your mother. Else, get out there and buy bitches flowers. Bitches love flowers.

Mouse1701 · 2022-04-20T09:38:14+00:00

Why should I pay for a date to make her feel like a prostitute ?

Mouse1701 · 2022-04-21T01:46:33+00:00

Actor Chevy Chase objects to paying for dates https://youtu.be/9viryweQ0U4

LittleDragonMaiden · 2022-04-20T13:55:09+00:00

I always require a man to pay for the first date.

januaryphilosopher · 2022-04-20T08:40:34+00:00

It's nice to pay and I always try to do it if I had a good time. I don't expect it to have a strategic effect but it's just something you can do to be kind towards this person you want or have a relationship with. Pay if you want, it'll neither make you a pushover (it's your own decision) nor get you anything other than food, cinema tickets or whatever (you can't buy interest).

CocoBabeNYC · 2022-04-20T09:38:56+00:00

Who exactly is holding a gun to your head forcing you to have dinner dates at a fancy restaurant?

PM_ME_ZED_BARA · 2022-04-20T09:39:41+00:00

I’m gay so this might not count. I always offer to pay for the first date, regardless of how expensive it is. If it is above my budget, then I would propose another place before the date. This is similar to when I meet a new coworker or a new friend, I will offer to pay.

I still want egalitarian relationship, so how my date responds to my offer to pay can give me some clues on whether he wants the same or not. People can say they want equality but it’s their actions that count.

From my experience, I only end up ONS/ FWB with dates that don’t offer to split or pay next time. All my long term relationships are with dates that counter offer me back.

techr0nin · 2022-04-20T11:16:05+00:00

Just pay if money is not an issue for you. Insisting on splitting when you make bank feels so petty.

If you are poor, then date within your means and split if you have to.

ploppercan2 · 2022-04-20T14:03:49+00:00

I don’t mind paying.

2022-04-20T14:38:21+00:00

Sexes equality? Same salaries? Same spending then. Always pay for your part only. It gives you an advantage: if the woman shows disinterest because of you splitting, you will know straight up she is here at least partly for your $. It is 2022, women are paid the same according to scientific studies despite the BS you hear on social medias and feminist forums. Paying in hope that it will influence her interest for you is definitely not the way.

ruboyuri · 2022-04-20T15:27:36+00:00

As long as sex is bad for women and good for men, and men will pay for sex, the man will pay and invite.

If the woman invites, she should pay. That is basic social courtesy

Having said that, dinner dates are regressive and transactional, and are thankfully dying out

Cupcakelover1985 · 2022-04-20T16:44:06+00:00

It depends on what kind of person you’re screening for. I never expected elaborate/expensive dinner dates. However if the guy asked me out and didn’t offer to pay or it was a free date that wasn’t thoughtful(like coffee, which I don’t drink vs roller skating in the park). I wouldn’t see him again. You shouldn’t feel pressured to pay and you’re not obligated to. Just do whatever feels most comfortable for you, whether that’s splitting, paying or dating women who’ll pay the whole thing.

Paranoidexboyfriend · 2022-04-20T13:18:28+00:00

Only poor men are worried about this. I always picked up the check when I was dating. But I very rarely went on a date with a woman I hadn't had sex with yet. And if we hadn't had sex yet and we were going on a date, then it is 100% going to be in a setting where we are having drinks and probably going to have sex after.

ineffable_throwaway · 2022-04-20T08:14:12+00:00

Who ever invites the other person should pay imo. If a guy invites me I’d offer to pay half but would hope he pays for it. Then I’d get it next time. As a disclaimer, I don’t expect anything fancy the first date and prefer it wasn’t. Just coffee, maybe some arcade games, etc. I’d be fine with just a walk too

ohdiddly · 2022-04-20T12:14:48+00:00

If you’re a conservative man and expect a traditional woman then you bet your ass you’re paying for the dates 😎

I’m totally cool with paying for my own food. I don’t expect anyone to pay for me on dates.

mf9769 · 2022-04-20T14:58:51+00:00

I always paid for the first date. Here's why. The one thing women (and men) appreciate more than anything else is honesty. If you're taking a girl out to a place you can't afford to pay for yourself, that's setting an expectation that you can't keep up with. Thus you can't be honest. Because I wanted to be honest, I took them to places where the money I spent wouldn't make a big dent in my wallet. If they wanted someplace more expensive for a first date, I'd decline, because that told me she wanted someone richer. I've told this to multiple people before: don't pretend to be someone you're not for a girl. There's no point in it.

ReklessS0ul · 2022-04-20T16:35:33+00:00

I think it comes down to whoever initiates it.

extrachromozomes · 2022-04-20T22:19:58+00:00

If a man doesn’t offer to pay for the date it makes him look cheap

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SmarmyPapsmears · 2022-04-20T11:22:06+00:00

I always paid but at the same time, I'm not taking a woman on a 1st date to a $250 restaurant. Usually coffee for the 1st date, then normal restaurant for the 2nd and on.

I'd be fucking broke if I took every 1st date to a fancy restaurant.

AKAPolock · 2022-04-20T13:32:00+00:00

The one who plans it is the one who pays in my experience. If you intend to stray from the rule discuss it beforehand. It might be a bit of a mood killer but if you’re looking for a LTR it’s a big green flag for me since it establishes a baseline of good communication.

diabolicalfarter · 2022-04-20T14:07:03+00:00

Anytime I've tried to pay in the past, my dates have always refused and tried to pay for me. But if I'm not interested I always insist I pay for myself. If I'm interested I'll let them because I know I can pay next time.

SexySecretsSD · 2022-04-20T14:21:46+00:00

Dinner dates are awful first dates.

Pick an activity, or else coffee or a drink.

CyJackX · 2022-04-20T14:54:45+00:00

I usually say "I'll get the first round."
Establishes expectations for the next round(s).

2022-04-20T15:25:10+00:00

If I don't really like him I will offer to split the bill just so that I will not owe him anything (at least in his mind) and I can leave.

avoriure · 2022-04-20T15:55:45+00:00

my intention is to go 50/50 on dates and if a guy offers to pay for it all, i’ll decline unless he insists. i won’t feel anything about going 50/50 but if he pays then it makes me feel good

ThumpingBump · 2022-04-20T16:40:42+00:00

I always pay, I asked, planned and did everything bar her getting ready and showing up. It was my idea I pay, it goes vice versa

gofigure62 · 2022-04-20T19:13:15+00:00

I think this is an opinion of class. People who have money and aren't going to be financially devastated by a 2 for $20 at Applebee's won't care.

But people who are living paycheck to paycheck and can't afford to eat out will care.

No one "HAS" to pay for a first date. Some people have preferences that they do, some people don't. It's best to bring the topic up before a date to determine compatibility and not waste time at all.

If someone is against paying on a first date they can just say that before date plans are solidified. It doesn't make sense to wait until the check comes to have these conversations.

No-Contribution-3596 · 2022-04-20T23:41:38+00:00

If you expect me to pay then you are a gold digger and will be treated as such.

Kittech · 2022-04-20T13:40:47+00:00

Probably not a popular stance but I (female) usually refuse coffee dates, its either drinks at a bar or dinner. And the man has paid like 95% of the time. I don't ask them to, but in some way I expect them to and they know it. I wasn't coy or misleading about it. If they asked me to go out, I would say "I'd love to, if you take me out for drinks or dinner". If I have to get dolled up to look nice, do my make up, drive out there, I want to get something out of it too. Not to say I can't afford my own meal but if I was to pay for my own meal I might as well stay home and eat something out of my fridge. That being said, I have never walked out of a date even if there was no chemistry, I'd wait till the end and try to have a good time and it's usually worked out for me. If things didn't go well, it never has ended badly. And I'm not greedy where I ask to go to a very expensive or fancy restaurant, it's always some place casual and I don't go crazy and order a ton of stuff.

And this is my opinion, but a guy who wants to go dutch or split... is kind of a turn off for me. Maybe it's the way I grew up, the men in my life and dated since when I was younger has always paid and didn't make a fuss about it. I partially blame my mom a bit too, she told me to not date cheap guys and make sure they can afford to buy me dinner. I'll put it this way... even if I like the guy but he doesn't buy me dinner, I am much less likely to put out or want to do something afterwards. But it all depends on the guy, I have definitely paid for many of my meals too but usually I don't talk to them again unless there was something really special about them.

Mouse1701 · 2022-04-20T14:02:10+00:00

Has anyone just thought of just going grocery shopping with a woman just to get to know her at least your spending time with her.? That way you don't feel guilty about not buying her groceries.

PlayfulLawyer · 2022-04-20T09:29:43+00:00

I'm a firm believer in whoever asks the other person out should pay for the date , that's how I've always done it, whenever this subject comes up a lot of the other guys basically just come whining in with the " so basically you're just saying that men should pay for the date" routine, at the end of the day you can ask to go dutch, or just not ask out so many women or whatever, I got my way you got yours lol

Who is paying aside, I always keep any first dates relatively inexpensive, not only do I find most fancy restaurants to be overrated but if a girl isn't into bacon cheeseburgers and fries, she ain't the one for me anyways haha

Delifier · 2022-04-20T10:47:59+00:00

The thing about who pays, is also the reason why some prefer to keep the first date simple. Like going for a quick coffee or other drink. It is to find out if there is chemistry anyway, expecting it to last for hours may weird it out a bit.

If you both agreed to go on this date, it wouldnt be bad to assume there is a mutual interest beyond the economical, we are more equal today than we have ever been, and even women earn their own money, or at least able to. I dont see it as my job to support anyone, except my own children. If she insists on you paying it should be a giveaway for what it is, wanting monetary support, which in and of itself may be fine, but then you shouldnt accept that if you dont feel you get anything in return that is worth your while.

ComplexProjection · 2022-04-20T11:39:13+00:00

I usually pay for the drinks on the first date, since most of the women I meet are still students and don't have a lot of cash.

Specialist-Action-33 · 2022-04-20T12:09:19+00:00

I either go dutch or pay and make it obvious that she has the next one. Most times both works well, and its usually established before we go out. If a woman has anything to say about it, chances are she was expecting a free dinner.

Btw, yea $20 isn't gonna hurt me at a steakhouse but how come that same amount hurts a woman despite her saying it doesn't?

festethefoole1 · 2022-04-20T13:00:22+00:00

I used to unfailingly pay for the first date but since a couple years ago I realised that the number of women you’ll put off by not paying, will be offset by the number of women actually intrigued and impressed by how indifferent you seem to be towards them. It really is much-of-a-muchness between the two and as such, you simply may as well split it.

There’s a genuine chance that paying will turn a woman off as she’ll read it as you trying to impress her.

gopher_glitz · 2022-04-20T13:58:09+00:00

If she doesn't offer to pay her portion, she isn't worth it.

Apprehensive_Boat_70 · 2022-04-20T14:48:24+00:00

Depends on the woman in question, i would do that for a woman with whom there is already some attraction BETWEEN BOTH before dating, but to do that to "impress" her or because she is "high value" it is a certain way to end up with the woman of ur nightmares rather than the woman of ur dreams, u cant buy a womans love and honestly you shouldnt give such privilege to a stranger who hasnt shown any qualities whatsoever, and by qualities i dont mean what she brings to the table but who is she.

LadySwitters · 2022-04-20T15:07:23+00:00

I think maybe to a large degree this is a cultural thing. A lot of men and this thread seem to want to pay for woman if she is having sex with them, until then, she can pay for herself. That is so transactional and icky I guess. I’ve been married for a few years now, but back when I was dating I can’t remember a single date when a man didn’t offer to pay. If I insisted on paying for myself, it meant I was not interested. But in the grand scheme, even with friends, family members, etc. it feels uncouth to go Dutch. It’s a sign of generosity, good cheer, hospitality to pick up the tab. That kind of attitude translates far outside of dates. For example, married with kid, we entertain more than we go out, but me and my husband have absolutely no problem dropping good money for ingredients for a good meal and wine to have friends over. If I know a guest likes a specific booze I will buy it, as an example, and I am not trying to screw them. If I was to date again, and a man split dinner with me, it wouldn’t be about the money, but rather I would take it as a lack of interest. If he asked for a second date I would genuinely be surprised. To me its also less about the money and more about a sign of generosity of spirit, and a sign that Im being courted for lack of a better word.

Devourer_of_felines · 2022-04-20T15:22:35+00:00

The important part isn’t whether you’re paying for the date

It’s whether or not the other person even actually offers to do so.

Aubrey_D_Graham · 2022-04-20T15:49:50+00:00

Sure, but its going to be a coffee date.

banjocatto · 2022-04-20T17:11:24+00:00

Overall, I would say just do whatever your comfortable with.

If you want to pay, then pay. If you don't want to pay, don't pay.

If the other person doesn't like it (whatever your decision may be) that's also fine. All that means is that it wasn't meant to be, and it's better to find out early on.

That said, I'm personally of the mindset that whoever did the "asking out" or chose the venue, should be the one to pay (within reason).

KFC_Fleshlight · 2022-04-20T17:34:17+00:00

i'll pay for the first date, i'm asking you to come out with me, but i'm not taking you for food I don't like eating with strangers

chadmarco · 2022-04-20T19:25:02+00:00

Worrying about who pays is the same as worrying about who approaches first, its all a power play to see who will have the leverage in the relationship. Its laughable how women will brag about getting they own bag but then still complain about guys not paying for dates, but the fact is its not about the money, its about knowing that you are going to invest more into the relationship than they are. Why else would working adults be debating who will pay for a 40$ dinner date? Its not about the money, its about power. For men its about not feeling used, for women its about making sure you set the precedent that the man has to pay for your companionship. Unfortunately its all just a part of the petty game played between men and women today.

d3dledger · 2022-04-20T20:38:40+00:00

I am going to preface this by saying I more often than not pay for a first date (90% at least).

There are two of you in here that are so far down your own gender's rabbit whole of dogma its ridiculous. Calm down and practice some empathy. Imagine the person on the other side of the keyboard is a HOOMAN, capable of hooman feelings and experiences.

For my actual point (sorry), in a more egalitarian society--which I believe we finally are beginning to find ourselves in--it makes more sense to just play it by ear. At no point before a date should a man or women already have it set in their mind that they are or are not going to catch at least some of the tab. Dating is expensive, and with more women than men having professional educations (can site research if needed), the concept of men ALWAYS paying is actually reinforcing sexist beliefs about gender roles. If I invite someone/plan a date, I generally assume I am paying, because it was MY idea, not because I am the male in the situation. I used to pay most of the time (not single anymore) because due to gender norms being what they are I found myself doing the inviting/planning more often. This I think will change as more women realize they should pursue men they are interested in, rather than let men come to them. But that's just me. Ladies would you rather spend all your time letting mr wrong ask you out and get fed, or would you rather try and find someone your legitimately attracted to and let it be known (bumble is the highest-used dating app by women looking for an actual relationship after all)?

Electro_cutie · 2022-04-20T20:53:19+00:00

As a woman, I don’t like to be paid for on a first date because I am afraid a man thinks I’m just wanting a free dinner.

Drew_Sifur · 2022-04-20T22:07:14+00:00

Wasn't men paying the bill originally cause they wanted to do it out of the bottom of their heart to warm the girls heart?..

lingualistic · 2022-04-20T23:10:07+00:00

I'll pay for my half no problem if he asks. Then I won't go out with him again.

__itsnottone · 2022-04-20T23:14:18+00:00

Whoever asks the person on the date should pay.

xmalya · 2022-04-20T23:23:41+00:00

I never pay for dates or offer. The few times I did offer the men I went out with did not take it well. It doesn’t even cross my mind now. Pretty privilege is working. If you went out with your dream woman who was a 10/10 would you make her split? Probably not.

ChicNoir · 2022-04-21T00:20:55+00:00

What if your date can’t consume coffee or caffeine, then what?

Maybe only approach women you really like so you won’t cheap out on coffee dates. Honestly being so cheap right off the bat is incredibly offensive.

florafauna2022 · 2022-04-21T00:35:16+00:00

As a woman the only first dates I usually agree to (80 - 90% of the time) are coffee or walks. (Sometimes if we've done a video chat first I'm willing to do dinner and spend more time with the person). Usually, I want to know I can get out of there as quickly as possible if it's not a good fit, or something is off (they don't look like their photos, are creepy, or cannot hold a two sided conversation).

With that said I still spend money on grooming and getting ready, usually about an hour for each real date... there is costs of hair, makeup, eyebrows, etc. While recognizing these are optional, I am still competing with beauty norms. I often see how most men don't spend this time getting ready prior to dating / setting a good impression, so it makes even more sense that I spend less (pre-date) money getting ready and then just have my $5 coffee.

It also makes it easier to determine if the person is a good match sometimes based on effort this way and not money. (To OP's point about buying flowers, if you have a lot of money that is an easy thing to do, it's harder to put time into a person and listen).

(Being super health conscious I also just prefer to eat and cook at home, so going to dinner isn't my first thought when it comes to dating)

Mark_Freed · 2022-04-21T02:56:02+00:00

All the girls I decided to seriously date offered to split. I accepted depending on the context. How comfortable she is with me, how much she earns, etc.

I usually end up paying and having casual dates with these girls. Can’t take them seriously. I mean I try to keep my mind open and see if they have anything else to offer. We all have flaws and if her main flaw is wanting me to pay every time, that’s light 😂

It’s not so much that I want her to pay half, but I definitely want her to be ok paying half. If she is one of the girls on this thread saying it’s a huge red flag then we aren’t compatible. So it’s a great way to filter for such girls. No girl worth dating imo will disqualify me for splitting.

Of course if I’m going the traditional route and meeting girls on arranged marriage route then it’s a whole different ball game. Gender roles are way more pronounced and me paying is expected. I have no issue there.

Key-Selection-522 · 2022-04-21T03:18:51+00:00

If I invite her out, I pay. If she invites me out, she pays. Depending who she is, her background and I like her, I'll probably grab the waiter and pay without her knowing.
If it's just meeting up, someone is getting there before the other and everybody can pay for their own. Unless I really like you, then I probably asked what you like to get at wherever we meet up at and I've grabbed it already.

Remarkable_Ad_2469 · 2022-04-21T04:14:56+00:00

Good luck 🍀🤞. You'll need it lol

florafauna2022 · 2022-04-22T03:53:38+00:00

The reality of it is women are judged on beauty standards and those are expensive (both time and then all the costs of it, plus some is usually painful). There is always someone cuter, younger, hotter out there.

Similarly men are judged on their resources (and for somewhat their looks as well). There is always someone with more out there.

Both are making a choice to spend their money and time on these things to find a partner (or just sex). Both men and women can definitely 100% choose not to make these choices.

It's not the best reality, but it is what it is.

lostwanderer28 · 2022-04-22T09:58:59+00:00

If you are a good friend and you can afford it. Why not help your friends out by paying for example the restaurant bill? Or giving out a coffee?

Title	paying for the first date
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	29
Comments	547
Date	April 20, 2022 8:03 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/u7revj/paying_for_the_first_date/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/paying-for-the-first-date.1210128 https://theredarchive.com/post/1210128

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