Why is male “insecurity” so demonized?

JosieSandie · 2022-11-15T04:54:23+00:00

I’m a woman and I’ve always despised how so many women use insecure as an insult. It’s very stupid and dishonest and meaningless.

JollyRoger66689 · 2022-11-14T22:40:15+00:00

I usually think it has to do with women's own insecurities.

Personally I'm more in the camp of people who cheat are going to cheat regardless of what the other person in the relationship is doing (delay the inevitable possibly at least. I think a lot of women also have this belief but choose to forget it when it conflicts with their ability to shame men for having preferences like they love to do.

_EndlessWinter_ · 2022-11-15T00:03:38+00:00

Because women despise weak men

Da_Famous_Anus · 2022-11-15T00:03:54+00:00

Women are only attracted to or care about confidence.

You could be the dumbest loser in the world but if you carry yourself with confidence women see exactly that. It doesn't matter how out of touch with reality this confidence is. They just care about the emotional reading they get off of men.

And it's kind of disgusting - women only want one thing and that is an emotional experience.

This is why I think some of this post is valid.

I think that men who are able to find themselves successful in reality are capable of this kind of honesty and self-reflection that allows them to assess their limitations and weaknesses. I would think this is an important part of any well adjusted person. So, I would view it as a good thing to see that you're dealing with a humble and honest individual.

Not so for many women. Women are not attracted to this.

To women, a guy being non-1000% positive, confident, fuck-yes, about everything is a downer and a turn-off. They are hooked on emotionalism like it's crack.

Women would rather take a fuckboi who's in debt over a guy who has his whole life set up just for the vibe (assuming attractiveness and other factors are equal). I've experimented with this many many times.

I think it's both funny and sad. And particularly sad for someone like myself who cares about honesty - it's just not relevant today and it will not help you get women despite the fact that they may claim that this is something they look for and care about. No. They care about honesty in so far as moments where a man's honesty can get them what they want. They don't care about truth or honesty in the real sense.

It doesn't matter how 'reasonable' the insecurity is. Women aren't into reason, so they couldn't care less.

upalse · 2022-11-15T17:53:45+00:00

Crybullying is how women perform dominance. "Insecure", "abusive", "gaslighting" etc are the canon lingo for it. The connecting thread is always:

I'm the victim
it's a fault of somebody else

Really whiny men (incels, crybullies etc) do this too, but the gender balance of it is pretty obvious in real life or even on twitter.

DisasterPeace7 · 2022-11-14T18:48:35+00:00

Much like "entitlement", the women that occupy these spaces tend to use the word insecurity incorrectly, if a woman is calling you "insecure" that most likely means that you just have some kind of standard probably a traditional one that she herself cannot live up to and goes against the grain so the attempted shaming language begins

N_Count_Council · 2022-11-14T18:05:33+00:00

It's not even male insecurity but that's what men's standards are shamed as.

The most secure man in the world still doesn't want an old, high n, fat, boss bitch.

Ohyarlysmiles · 2022-11-14T19:22:16+00:00

You start well but slide into weird contradictory territory:

Sure, if these insecurities get in the way of a current relationship and they aren’t reasonable insecurities

Reasonable according to whom?

doesn’t that lend some credence to these insecurities being valid in some way or another?

Feelings are valid in their own right, they don't need confirmation from other people.

People are allowed to be insecure for whatever reason.

Back to why male insecurity is demonized. First, is it male "insecurity" to merely have a preference? I don't think so. If it is, all female preferences could be also described as various "insecurities."

Instead, it's more a way of offloading rejection as a character failing in the other party. Not a bad coping mechanism for rejection and one I think more men should deploy as well.

Even muttering to yourself "ah she's probably just a lesbian," can take some of the sting out of rejection --- not that that's ideal. But it's better than nothing.

Second, insecurity where it is truly insecurity is weakness and men aren't supposed to be weak. That's feminine territory -- for better or worse.

NockerJoe · 2022-11-14T18:08:59+00:00

Because if you frame it like that it becomes their problem and not yours. If you make the analogy a job application where the person got fired for stealing from the till from their last place then its not about the new manager being insecure if they say no. Likewise if you're screening for new employees and someone says they want a number of hours you can't give them thats a valid reason to say no.

Everyone has their own idea of what a relationship looks like. Saying you want to spend a lot of time with your partner or you have a specific view of sex isn't insecurity, thats just a normal stance that isn't compatible with some other normal stances. But if a woman doesn't get a relationship she wanted calling it an insecurity means the man is bad and therefore she's the good guy here. This is, obviously, a deep insecurity in and of itself.

The dumbest thing a lot of guys like OP do is hyperfixate on their own flaws and assume that whatever narrative someone else comes up with is right by default and that they need to justify themselves to someone else's rules. You really don't and you also don't need to explain to someone why some qualities are attractive and others are non starters.

gopher_glitz · 2022-11-15T03:28:19+00:00

Women have such a problem with dudes rejecting promiscuous women. Why are you concerned? Worried you don't cut it?

Flightlessbirbz · 2022-11-14T23:58:56+00:00

Some degree of insecurity is completely normal, everyone has things they’re insecure about. The problem arises when you project those insecurities onto other people, refuse to admit you are insecure, and instead blame them for how you feel. Which is what these guys are doing. Instead of saying “I feel like I am unattractive and inexperienced, and being with someone more experienced makes it worse,” it’s usually something along the lines of “high n women are gross and untrustworthy and I don’t want a ‘used’ woman.” And that sort of attitude will inevitably get in the way of relationships. Many people sharing an insecurity also does not automatically make it reasonable. People can make each other’s irrational beliefs worse until they’re convinced it is rational. There are also different degrees to all this, and different levels of validity.

Btw women with unmanaged insecurity also ruin their relationships with spying and paranoid behavior. Women tend to be more present-focused than obsessing about their partner’s past, but it can still get really toxic.

trail22 · 2022-11-15T04:51:10+00:00

Women are uncomfortable idea that they feel as deeply, are just as afraid, and just as weak as them.

Esterwinde · 2022-11-15T06:00:45+00:00

It's projection, dont worry about it most of us here are insecure. Matte of fact if you are a secure human being you won't be 'debating' with anyone in this site.

jayval90 · 2022-11-14T22:47:50+00:00

This is a fair point, but you didn't take it far enough. We sympathize with and celebrate women's insecurities, while demonizing and ridiculing men's insecurities.

Male insecurity is demonized by people who are patriarchal and believe that men doing a poor job matters more than women doing a poor job. And in a sense they are right. This whole mess is men's fault. So therefore women need to get out of the way because only men can solve it.

Hour-University5631 · 2022-11-14T23:25:44+00:00

Because, while women like to virtue signal and try to convey that care about men being insecure and vulnerable, deep down they're simply not attracted. They hold men to completely and unreasonablly different standards to their female equivalent. Also when women are insecure, the blame is always on men (e.g. Talking about beaty standards, being non-assertive, etc...), but when men are insecure... Well it's their fault.

Lysa_Bell · 2022-11-14T18:04:06+00:00

Relationship insecurity can lead to lots of damage. Physical, mentally, property. How many people injured each other because they accused the other of cheating?

Insecurities about job, living or whatever are internalised. Relationship insecurities can end up being externalised. Against a partner. That's why it's demonized.

And it's not just men. Women have to deal with the insecurities of cheating, promiscuity, lying etc too. And get called out for it all the time too.

themostgianthorse · 2022-11-14T18:04:36+00:00

I don’t think it’s the word; it’s the connotation. Men tend to communicate overtly while women communicate covertly.

Additionally, men tend to fight in the physical while women fight in the psychological.

Insecure is not necessarily a negative. It makes sense to be insecure about dating a former or current stripper in the same sense that one would insecure about buying a used parachute off of Craigslist. These represent a reasonable risk to one’s current and/or future well being.

TotalTravesty · 2022-11-14T18:05:34+00:00

Insecurities wouldn’t be demonized if people with insecurities would just admit they have insecurities instead of pretending everyone else has the problem.

lurker7128 · 2022-11-14T19:00:25+00:00

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averageredditoralt · 2022-11-15T00:49:53+00:00

It's mostly redditors trying to shame men for having any standards/preferences that might end up excluding them in anyway whatsover.

If someone is calling you insecure for having a preference (it also applies to any other insult too tbh), then you can safely move on because the discussion is not gonna go anywhere past there.

Just be aware that you might never end up finding "the one", depending on how unrealistic your standards are (Like, uh, a pure innocent virgin in her late twenties who has never been in a relationship before, just as a example Im not assuming that is actually your preferece)

anonymous-platypus1 · 2022-11-14T19:12:06+00:00

I think it’s the way men try to defend their insecurities. Your insecurities are yours and everyone has their issues that they’d prefer were not there. But not everyone is demonizing the actions that exacerbate their insecurities the way some men do.

Some men are insecure about their sexual prowess: so they bash women with experience as being whores or sluts. When really, if they weren’t insecure about their own skills or experience, what women do wouldn’t matter as much.

AstronautLoveShack · 2022-11-14T18:56:49+00:00

Many insecure men project that insecurity onto their partners and it manifests as control. Male friends on Facebook? He wants you to get rid of all of those, even if you've known some of them since kindergarten. Your two-piece shows a little more skin than he'd like? Well you can't wear that in public anymore. Get a text from a co-worker outside of normal work hours? He's going to want to know who, why, etc. Girls' nights with friends? Kiss those goodbye.

_Remember_me_not_ · 2022-11-15T06:36:16+00:00

That's just how hoes operate, they try to shame you into accepting their thottery. But if you have discipline and logical standards, you won't give a damn to their sophistry and find people who will compliment your life instead of dragging you down to abyss.

West-Ad-9697 · 2022-11-15T09:19:15+00:00

a lot of women seem really like to like psychoanalyzing men and calling them “insecure”

You know chicks with dicks aren't really chicks right? So are men with doubts for a woman's primal brain.

She might empathize, connect and even love you as a person, but if she feels your doubt - her ovaries are Yelling - he will bail if a leopard comes around.

Isn’t some degree of insecurity rational?

Only if you believe in Disney. If you accept the premise that AWALT. All women have the same wiring, some amoral as fuck wiring and are reacting based on that wiring with the same innocence as you were when you saw a pair of juicy breasts at 14... then no, it's not rational, because it stems from childish projection. You still see women as Madonnas, some essence that gives out motherly love, and thus sex, promiscuity and following their butterflies pollutes that idealized concept.

When you grow out of that, and learn to enjoy the woman in front of you as a woman, the nasty filthy slut dedicated to pleasuring her man... then that mothering need fades away as you discover another form of female love - as well as a new form of male love inside you, beyond the mommy mommy, are you ok mommy?

You don't need your woman to be faithful, you need her to give you your best when she is there and then with you. And ironically this has a complementary need in women. Once she finds a man that gets her to give him her best, promiscuity and "independence" will feel childish and silly - because that's not a mindset she wants to be in - it's just better when she is alone to wear pants.

You wouldn’t chastise an unemployed or precariously employed worker for being insecure about an unstable labor market

I would, your life is not a statistic. You live in the specifics of your life, not the generalities of society.

However, when there are manosphere channels with hundreds of thousands of men following them precisely over these insecurities

And there is 20x that amount of feminist man hating channels that prey on even more insecure women. Scared women. Women that have only known masculinity in the form of jerks, fuckboys, dark heroes or antiheroes from BDSM novels or chat groups.

doesn’t that lend some credence to these insecurities being valid in some way or another?

Content is a reflection of what losers in our society gravitate to - because most normally adjusted people spend a fraction of the time online and don't drive that much traffic over the span of 24 hours.

Apprehensive_Cut_146 · 2022-11-15T11:46:00+00:00

I do not mind insecurity, I do mind hypocrisy though.

nemma88 · 2022-11-15T12:00:25+00:00

Isn’t some degree of insecurity rational?

I agree with this and am happy to go against the waves of insecurity isn't always a bad thing. I would disagree that male insecurity is the only one that's demonized, like women's insecurity usually is as well but that's beside the point.

Insecurity I view though, much like preference is that it' about you, no one else.

It becomes a problem when externalized. When you shame, judge or punish people based on your insecurities or preferences. You can't attack groups of people and hide behind its just 'muh preference'. Reap what you sow.

womandatory · 2022-11-15T13:02:14+00:00

Sure a degree of insecurity is rational. But when men here get upset about a guy their girlfriend dated before he even met her they want our sympathy, but when women get upset about their current boyfriend tugging his dick thrice a day to violent porn and OnlyFans, and whatever other shit they find on Reddit or pornhub, suddenly we’re insecure??

It’s not insecure to have boundaries, it’s not insecure to expect fidelity, monogamy and exclusiveness from your partner, if that’s what you both agreed you want.

It’s patently fucking ridiculous to cry-wank about something that happened before you met, and if you don’t like something she did before you, move on. She can’t undo it. Get over it or next. It’s not ridiculous at all to expect your current partner to behave in a way that doesn’t violate your boundaries repeatedly, several times a day, but here we are.

HighestTierMaslow · 2022-11-15T19:28:04+00:00

I had this mentality a little bit when I was younger. I now realize I just dont agree with peoples life choices and they wouldnt be compatible with me in a relationship.

bunnakay · 2022-11-14T18:08:19+00:00

Valid in what way? No one else is required to validate your insecurities. Stop making them everyone else's problem, and you'll be fine.

Endor-Fins · 2022-11-14T18:24:12+00:00

Insecure men need to constantly dominate. They cheat and lie. Insecurity brings out the worst in people but I notice that in men it usually plays out in deceitfulness and aggression. Nothing ruins love faster than that in my experience.

catchtowards12345 · 2022-11-14T18:55:38+00:00

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2022-11-14T18:09:44+00:00

If you're commonly running into people who would feel insecure with you as a partner, they're not the problem, you are lmao

Wake up, it's obvious haha

2022-11-14T19:26:26+00:00

I don’t think it’s demonized. It’s definitely misinformation though when someone says “wear your heart on your sleeve, be honest” lol never tell a girl you are nervous. Always better to seem overconfident and bold than self deprecating and placating.

EnteFetz · 2022-11-14T22:11:58+00:00

It's simply because women are physically disgusted by male insecurity.

It is an inate instinct for them to hate insecure men with every fibre of their bodies.

This instinct evolved before and during the stone ages, where women had to rely on their men for survival.

If a man was insecure, he was useless and women learned to instinctively avoid insecure and weak men.

Women don't have any choice in this.

It's simply their biological hardwiring to hate weak and insecure men.

Over_Noise3530 · 2022-11-14T19:53:47+00:00

Here is an example from Real life about why Insecurity ruins relationships:

I was at the gym yesterday, I overheard a group of 4 guys talking. One was bragging about how he left a girl on read for a half hour. I looked over, of course it was the ugliest one. High value men don't have to play those games, they already know that they are the shit.

ClaraBow01 · 2022-11-18T17:38:25+00:00

It’s more that we want to make them self-aware. Men with beliefs like that try to rationalize something when it comes from a place of insecurity.

TermAggravating8043 · 2022-11-14T18:00:37+00:00

Because their taking out their insecurities on the other person rather than dealing with them themselves, expecting others to solve their problem.

Firstly, if you don’t want a partner with multiple relationships ongoing at one time then don’t get with that person. Don’t get with them then try to shame them or complain at then to change their behaviour to suit you more, they are a person and you shouldn’t get with them if you just want them to be your doll.

If your insecure over the way your partners dressed or the friends they have, you have to work on yourself or they’re going to end up leaving you.

Hundreds of men are following this because it’s always easier to blame the other person than sorting out themselves

MistyMaisel · 2022-11-14T20:43:59+00:00

When I call men here insecure, I'm not generally saying their fears have no basis, I'm saying that they are allowing their fears to control them, make them evil (in some cases) make them unlovable or impossible to live in harmony with, or are fretting about something extremely unlikely or not worth fretting about for other reasons.

And the reason I demonize insecurity is because of the factors above and because generally (on this sub and others related to it), they are weaponizing that insecurity and using it as a justification to say and do horrible things to other people.

And also, often, it's the way they go about being insecure. They don't become hyper vigilant and take fate into their own hands. They lay around like bitchy victims talking about boo hoo it's so hard to be me. And that's just annoying in any person, but particularly from the gender that used to die in wars or defending themselves from sabertooths. Like spend enough time here and you will not believe that men are the ones who stormed the beaches of Normandy or settled the ancient world. And at ages much younger than the men here.

Ppdebatesomental · 2022-11-14T21:41:13+00:00

Lol, seems to me men demonize it themselves. They will hamster around the word so hard. I don’t want a slutty wife because she is statistically more likely to cheat (I want to feel secure in my marriage) I don’t want to support another guys baby (I want to feel secure in my parenthood), I don’t want a woman who is just using me for resources (I want to feel secure in her genuine affection). Most all of us thrive with security But god help anyone who frames it in the opposite. I’m not INsecure! I just like security!

EugeneCezanne · 2022-11-14T23:55:17+00:00

There's a difference between objective insecurity (awareness that you are in a precarious situation) and personal insecurity (anxiety about yourself). From a social perspective, the problem with the latter is the tendency to project one's insecurities onto other people and sublimate them into people-facing behaviors and ideas.

Example:
Objective insecurity - "women might not enjoy sleeping with me because I'm inexperienced."
Personal insecurity - "worrying that I'm bad in bed makes me feel like shit inside."
Projection and sublimation - "women should stop whoring around because no man wants to be compared to other guys!"

Miserable_Yam4778 · 2022-11-16T05:49:37+00:00

Men who are genuinely insecure are dangerous. In a multitude of ways.

noafrochamplusamurai · 2022-11-14T18:35:46+00:00

Here's the deal, it's part of the social contract that we have. Men control most of power in life. Politics, wealth, education, and Healthcare. We ceded the social interaction to the court of Women. They get to make the rules, and we must abide by them.

The ruling class has to give the underclass some kind of authority to keep them occupied. Otherwise they may decide to opt out. Your options are to deal with it, or to break the system. Get rid of a patriarchal society, and women no longer get to dictate the rules of relationships, and the pop culture image of men.

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Plugandharam · 2022-11-14T18:28:19+00:00

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themayorofhoodville · 2022-11-14T18:53:50+00:00

I can’t change your view since you’re not making an affirmative claim, but I can answer the question.

Women’s insecurities aren’t demonized to the level that a man’s insecurities can be due to the quality of a man who can, seemingly anyways, swoop in and ‘secure the woman’s insecurities’, I guess?

On the other hand, I think society perceives that many of men’s dating based insecurities seem to exclude women that could be passable wives out of the mating process. So, they demonize and shame those insecurities in order to sort of persuade men into dating those women anyways.

darwinnerist · 2022-11-14T20:28:57+00:00

I don’t think it’s demonized, I think it’s ridiculed. Like most cringey ego defenses.

EugeneCezanne · 2022-11-14T23:59:16+00:00

However, when there are manosphere channels with hundreds of thousands of men following them precisely over these insecurities, doesn’t that lend some credence to these insecurities being valid in some way or another?

No, that's not how validity works. If your insecurities make you want to jump on any popular bandwagon, I'd strongly suggest becoming one of the 40 million Americans who go to therapy instead.

Insecurities should not be demonized. but they should be recognized and addressed directly within the subject, not appeased and allowed to strengthen by allowing them to shape your reasoning and actions.

Gilmoregirlin · 2022-11-15T17:36:56+00:00

I don't think it's demonized at all, I just think that men are not willing to accept it themselves. The thing is that if you have issues with insecurity it's overall, not just in dating and so indeed it is something you need to work on in your life in order to be happier. For example if a hyper independent woman bothers you, so would a female boss, even if you don't realize it does, even if you think it only relates to dating. And how? Lots of men are very insecure, so are women. The difference is that women are more willing to admit to being insecure versus men who fight it tooth and nail.

localmicrodosechamp · 2022-11-16T16:24:48+00:00

because insecure men shoot up public spaces.

Sade_061102 · 2022-12-05T12:33:55+00:00

Because we know a lot of guys hate it

Bats_are_cuter · 2022-11-15T12:09:27+00:00

Because when men are insecure they are much more likely to be a danger to women. Its like the word creepy, its a 'here be dragon' type comment.

waffleznstuff30 · 2022-11-14T21:04:16+00:00

Because it manifests in sabotaging the relationship being excessively controlling and tearing your partner down to feel better about yourself. A guy who is insecure treats their partner badly case and point. And creates these bizarre double standards for their partner to abide by but they can disregard them. They want to control what you wear, who you hang out with, what you do with your free time have you there at their beckoned call but not do anything special with you.

A silly little oh I do I look okay or something like that is harmless. And you can assure them they are the most handsome man in the world. Or wanting affection and reassurance that they are doing a good job that's perfectly fine and again not harming you.

But a guy who claims alpha male high value man just screams insecurity. And being insecure with yourself just harms the relationship. Because if you don't value you how do you love and value another person? Or find value in others. You don't. And its some trauma and deep seeded self esteem issues that probably will never get resolved.

fakingandnotmakingit · 2022-11-14T21:11:11+00:00

Depends on the insecurity and how it's acted on.

Women and men both tend to be jealous partners etc. Especially when friends with the opposite gender.

But men may also have a tendency to try and control how you dress if they think other men are looking at you. Or height insecurities, like if the girl was wearing heels. I love heels. Dated a dude who didn't like it that I wore my stilettos to our 3rd date because it made me slightly taller than him. I told him I wasn't changing what I wore for him. He tried to explain why, but i just got up, paid for my appetiser and left. At least I felt like Heidi Klum when I walked away in my power heels.

Insecurities is a bit of a shit card on both ends IF your insecurity affects your partner in more ways than just "do I look good today?"

Of your insecurity doesn't manifest itself in controlling or changing your partner you're probably safe. Or safer at least

mrmudzi · 2022-11-15T05:59:52+00:00

Because it manifests with often deadly toxicity

slumberpuppet · 2022-11-15T10:10:18+00:00

It depends what they are insecure about. Men being insecure about looks is a 2 way street. Men have no reason to be insecure about looks because their jobs and relationships don't really depend on it. Men aren't the ones who are constantly being compared to others physically. When men are insecure about their looks it gives them a glimpse of what the life of a woman is like, but in reality it is uneccessary and emasculating for men to be vain.

Aloofness to me is a vital trait to being a real man. Both cockyness and extreme insecurity will cause men to do undesirable behavior. And that goes back to being overemotional/emasculated. It's a chick thing to care about validation and material shit. A real man will 'just deal' with the harsh realities of life and have an "it is what it is" mindset.

Title	Why is male “insecurity” so demonized?
Author	lurker7128
Upvotes	220
Comments	448
Date	November 14, 2022 5:53 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/yv72s0/why_is_male_insecurity_so_demonized/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/why-is-male-insecurity-so-demonized.1139859 https://theredarchive.com/post/1139859

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