Male neighbor invited me to his daughter's birthday--red flag?

souredskittles · 2021-07-13T03:00:40+00:00

I think your right. He’s just trying to get too close for comfort

gabz_C · 2021-07-13T07:04:00+00:00

You should read/listen to "the gift of fear". It'll open your eyes and further validate your (already pretty good) instincts.

trudith · 2021-07-13T04:49:49+00:00

Definitely a red flag. Multiple. Stay away from him. Invest in home security.

Lavender_flow · 2021-07-13T08:39:48+00:00

Do not give him your number. Also I would invest in a home security system and stop talking to him. Just say hi when you meet him and do not engage with him. He sees this as an invitation that you are interested, because you are being friendly. Also read the gift of fear, get a pepperspray for when you talk your dog. There is a reason you are getting these vibes from the guy and it is not a good one.

Btw Ted Bundy was not charming, he just pretended to be injured and targeted nurses/teachers and women in caring professions.

FlockAroundtheClock · 2021-07-13T09:00:20+00:00

Trust your instincts. This is really creepy and I would be bothered by this too! I hate when my (female) neighbor invites me over for wine! Lol! I don't want to be chummy, thanks!

Not sure if this helps, but my SIL told me, years ago when she lived alone she would "borrow" a pair of my husband's old boots or sneakers (he wears a size 15) and leave them outside on the porch by the front door, so people would assume a (big) man lived there with her.

Equal-Ear2312 · 2021-07-13T04:50:23+00:00

Too much, too soon.

blackflowerx3 · 2021-07-13T03:06:37+00:00

PSA: Stop oversharing (for the ladies)

Careful-Economy · 2021-07-13T06:34:32+00:00

You set boundaries and he blew right past them. Be careful!!!

whimblewalrus · 2021-07-13T02:06:33+00:00

Be safe! Secure your house if you really think he’s a threat. Don’t be afraid to be an armed danger. But don’t take it to far!

PanCanAlt01 · 2021-07-13T02:10:23+00:00

Something I wished I learned when I was younger: always trust your gut. I could go on and on and wax poetic about this but just always remember to trust your gut. Full stop.

ussr_ftw · 2021-07-13T02:26:36+00:00

Whenever I feel myself questioning my gut, I stop and do a worst case/best case of each scenario. You continue ignoring this man and staying away, worst case is you don't become friends with a super-friendly man who isn't familiar with social boundaries. Boo hoo. You give in, give him your number and start being available to him, worst case is you're assaulted and killed.

Trust yourself.

AshlandSouth · 2021-07-13T02:35:59+00:00

If you think he is bad news, he is bad news. Make sure your windows are locked.

novahex · 2021-07-13T07:32:07+00:00

Yeah no. Your gut is telling you something isn't right about him. Trust it. Also what parent invites random adults to their TEENAGE daughters birthday party. When I was 16 I'd want nothing to do with that. It would probably be best not to give him your phone number or any more information about yourself. Also if he escalates with his creepiness and you can afford to get cameras or a security system because this sounds like a man I'd be concerned about investing in learning my schedule and habits

Any_Indication_2754 · 2021-07-13T02:55:30+00:00

That's terrifying. Keep your dog close and away from him so he doesnt groom your dog to accept him.

Datonecatladyukno · 2021-07-13T01:49:42+00:00

LISTEN TO YOUR GUT. Get a ring doorbell, better locks and avoid him. I hate that we aren’t safe anywhere. Let your roommate know too.

Lavender_flow · 2021-07-13T08:50:39+00:00

Also to unlearn niceness: https://www.tiktok.com/@spiritual_af/video/6964102124317838597?lang=en&is_copy_url=1&is_from_webapp=v1 her videos are pretty great. A lot of "dont be nice" videos which I feel extremely helpful.

laserkatze · 2021-07-13T10:12:23+00:00

The others already answered in length and I agree to their posts, the invitation is an obvious attempt to get your phone number, he seems to be dumb as a brick and gives off serious psychopath vibes. Your idea to get curtains and a good lock is excellent, be sure to name him with full address to your friends as a suspect in the case something happens to you, so that they know where to look.

Glad you told him you don’t live alone and that you have shown the dog, regardless of if he seems to be frightened of the dog or not. With a roommate and a big dog, you are not the easiest target. Ethnicity might also be a question on whether (if you’re in the US) authorities will look for you or not, or if you have relatives in the US and are not alone.

I hate that you can’t feel safe walking home anymore. What an awful person. Hopefully his daughter is alright.

Next time you meet him, say firmly that you don’t want to talk to him and that he should stop harassing you. No questions answered anymore!

intergalacticanon44 · 2021-07-13T03:00:48+00:00

I’m seeing red flag after red flag

Technical_Moth248 · 2021-07-13T05:04:40+00:00

It makes me sad to think that if this was asked anywhere else on Reddit you would be told you’re being dramatic and need to let this guy into your life. This is weird, and your intuition is something you should never ignore. He might not be a murderer, but he definitely could be trouble.

Idk who invites a random grown woman to your 16 year old’s birthday party??? Like she probably doesn’t want to hang out with an adult that is also a complete stranger (assuming she even exists and he’s not trying to lure you, although I also can’t see the appeal for you to go hang out with a random kid either so that’s a weird plan?)

ShieldMaidenLagertha · 2021-07-13T03:24:11+00:00

Oh girl...I went through this with a neighbor. I don’t want to scare you but I did end up getting a protection order against him. My doorbell camera footage ended up being evidence in the case. Love that thing! Seriously, get one. Mine is Simplisafe and I also use their security system too. Very affordable.

The others are right. Start taking notes of interactions with him. Reenforce your door strike plate, if you have double hung windows you can have dowels cut that you can put vertically inside the upper pane so the lower pane cannot be raised.

I’m sorry. One can do literally nothing and still end up being the object of some scrote’s fixation.

i_h8_m3 · 2021-07-13T01:54:08+00:00

Your gut is telling you something is fishy. Listen to it.

Alarming-Midnight-73 · 2021-07-13T02:05:37+00:00

Even before reading your post I was going to say yes it's a red flag because the moment you feel the need to post something on a reddit forum asking if it's a red flag--you know it's a red flag. And after reading your post, oh my gosh that's terrifying. I'm so sorry you're experiencing this.

woadsky · 2021-07-13T05:48:05+00:00

Listen to your gut. He's very, very pushy at best. That birthday party ploy to get your number, along with offering handyman repairs would creep me out. If he shows up at your door, DO NOT OPEN IT. Talk with him through the door, or don't answer. Carry a personal alarm with you and have it handy. Perhaps discreetly ask the neighbors about him, and also look him up online. You could even hire a private investigator to do a search on him to see what comes up. It could be well worth it just to have more information. Also, in my city a resident can call the police information line and ask about the history of any criminal activity in the neighborhood. Also looking up the sex offender registry online is easy to do if you're in the U.S.A. Avoid him at all costs yet watch his patterns. I think your gut is 100% correct. I'm getting alarm bells too.

I don't know what culture he is from but be careful to not humiliate him. Be cool, but not rude. Some men can feel emasculated by a woman's disinterest and turn aggressive so be cordial, brief, and always busy. If he asks for your phone number again, saying "I don't give it out, but thanks anyway" is totally acceptable. If he crosses a line then he gets a firm boundary. Avoiding him is the priority. You could subtly mention that you're in a long distance relationship and start wearing a ring.

NinjaCynic · 2021-07-13T01:54:32+00:00

I think your intuition is 100% correct. Locks, alarms, security cameras, keep nearby family/friends updated, whatever you can do to stay safe 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

MajesticSkyPachyderm · 2021-07-13T08:02:39+00:00

Trust your gut. It's telling you this man is dodgy, so stay away from him.

TMac0601 · 2021-07-13T11:41:08+00:00

Were the locks changed when you moved in? He could find an old spare left somewhere by a previous tenant. Definitely get those deadbolts!

sunflowergrazing · 2021-07-13T01:44:18+00:00

The fact that’s he’s willing to invite a stranger into the space of his own blood and flesh screams carelessness. It’s a different story if he’s being careless on his own but he’s dragging his family into jt?

Your gut is right.

lilac-hiraeth · 2021-07-13T02:44:58+00:00

Get visible cameras around your property. If he’s a neighbour he’s very easy access to your routine and house/vehicle/yard.

facetroller · 2021-07-13T03:00:06+00:00

Do NOT let him into your house. Do not give him the benefit of doubt. Don't be chatty, if you must speak to him just say yes, no, hm answers. For example, instead of telling him you have a roommate just say no you don't live alone. Have one or a few big male friends/family members over if possible.

shockingupdate · 2021-07-13T02:38:07+00:00

HELL NO. NOPE. NAH NUH-UH. If you really have a roommate, let them know to avoid this man. For the love of god add a security camera. If he tries to talk to you again, grey-rock him; give absolutely no interesting information about yourself or what you’re into. If you have a porch or patio, leave a big pair of men’s shoes somewhere obvious. If he leaves any gifts, throw them away.

Altowhovian93 · 2021-07-13T05:27:48+00:00

Red flags: number one, he makes you uncomfortable. He is overly friendly, repeatedly offers unsolicited help, he monitors who you have over and when, he asks personal questions, he asked for your number, and he (a stranger) asked you to his teenagers party (teen is not going to want random neighbor there!!!).

Your instincts are right. Up your home security, make sure your locks work, put curtains in your windows, lock the Windows. Make friends with other female neighbors, see if he has been creeping on them and ask them for help.

This is an awful situation and I feel for you OP. Home should be your safe place and this jerk is taking that away.

pinksamosa · 2021-07-13T07:48:09+00:00

Like fuck off trying to be my handyman when I didn’t even ask for help. Over-friendliness in men is a massive red flag. HVM recognise our need to be safe and give us space to let them in when we are comfortable, they will not try to get close with offers of help etc. This guy is creepy.

Human_Summer_1709 · 2021-07-13T08:24:10+00:00

As women we tend to try to drop hints or *subtly and indirectly* say no. We're afraid of being too direct, either because we're afraid it's not polite, or we're afraid of being accused of misconstruing the situation, or we're afraid of their reaction.

But I think it's very important for us, as women, to directly and in no uncertain terms tell someone no (if we feel safe to do it).

Tell this man: "I do not give me number out to people I just met."

"I am not interested in going to your daughter's party."

"My birth location and ethnicity are not your business."

If you feel you must, lie and say you have a boyfriend.

Men are dumb and delusional as fuck. You could be squirming uncomfortably under his barrage of questions, and he'll legitimately think you were blushing and all hot and bothered. You could glance at a dog pooping behind him on the lawn as you're walking down to your mailbox, and he'll legitimately think you were giving him a "fuck me" stare. You have to make it CRYSTAL CLEAR to them that YOU ARE NOT INTERESTED. And you need to make this clear ASAP so he doesn't have time to start coming up with elaborate fantasies, which will make his crash back to earth that much harder (this is important because the more let down or hurt he feels, there is a greater possibility that his reaction might be more extreme - to your detriment).

HumanAdhesiveness360 · 2021-07-13T03:29:17+00:00

Get cameras. Enroll in some self defense courses. Carry weapons. Small ones that are easily accessible

the_ghost_of_ · 2021-07-13T11:31:49+00:00

Trust. Your. Gut.

HereForTheFreeFoodOk · 2021-07-13T02:24:23+00:00

He was overly friendly and charismatic and offered to do handyman repairs around my house.

100% wants to put spycams in your house.

Men are not altruistic - they're number one concern is serving their penis.

FirePreferred_theOG · 2021-07-13T02:51:11+00:00

If I've learned anything in my many decades of life.... is that if I think it might be a red flag, IT IS A RED FLAG. This is female intuition that we've been trained to silence. Don't. Trust it, it will keep you safe.

Don't engage anymore. Get pepper spray and/or a gun/tazer imo.

_queeeen_ · 2021-07-13T04:03:00+00:00

For sure get an exterior mounted camera for the front and back and don’t worry about being subtle. And then grey rock him. Hopefully he’ll get tired and bored. You didn’t mention owning the house, so you can also consider moving to an upgrade when your lease is up.

BusinessTwistofLime · 2021-07-13T05:30:24+00:00

Have you actually seen his daughter or is she a figment of his imagination?

Interesting-Bat3992 · 2021-07-13T12:52:20+00:00

LISTEN TO YOUR GUT! And invest in some security measures. Do not engage with him as he will interpret it as your compliance and will use it against you. But be vigilant of your surroundings. Do not let him condition your dog to be friendly with him. And do not let him cloak his evil intentions with his "friendliness" towards you- he will use it against you. Your gut already told you that he is dangerous. Now what you should do is protect yourself- if you don't, who will?

huevos_and_whiskey · 2021-07-13T13:59:23+00:00

If he owns his home, you can get info like his full name by checking the local tax assessor’s archive online, or the registry of deeds. The deed will usually list the buyer’s (i.e. his, as he would be the most recent buyer of the property) previous address. You can use this to verify the accuracy of any people search services. If you ever need to go to the police about him, you will need some way to identify him, at least his name and address. Keep this information in a file somewhere. It may also be useful to note his phone number, email, or other contact info, not to use just to have. You can piece together a lot of information about someone from various sources of public record. Find his social media profiles, screenshot the ‘about info’ and friends list, and any other information you might find useful, then preemptively block him. Take note of people he associates with, especially other men, and avoid or grey rock them too if they come around. Find out if you have friends or acquaintances in common and be on the alert for proxy attempts to get close to you.

AudQueen · 2021-07-13T15:49:16+00:00

Trust your gut!! Like I commented under someone get cameras off Amazon and put one outside and some in your home. That way you have evidence of his being around you home in case you need it in the future. And it will act as a deterrent.

This reminds me of when a couple years ago as a college student I got a flat tire on a major highway in broad daylight (around noon) and it was my first ever. I called my papa and told him where I was etc and he was on his way. He told me not to let ANYONE help me and to tell them he was on his way.

Like clockwork this man in a pickup truck stopped by me. He got out of his car and immediately said he was some kind of worker (he had one of those orange construction vests on) as he quickly approached me an my car. I tried to tell him I didn’t need help/my Das was on his way but he passed me and went straight to my car and took a look. Y’all he opened the truck on my car apparently look for the jack thingy all while ignoring my protests.

I called my papa and told him exactly what was going on ( I said it in my native language bc I was honestly scared) and my dad was pissed and yelling at this point so I put him on speaker to save my ears lol. It was like this man finally woke the hell up. I repeated that was my dad and he was on his way back. He finally got it and slowly walk back to his pick up, looking annoyed and confused. He left literally minutes before my dad got there.

If my dad hadn’t told me not to let anyone help me I would have thought nothing of this mans behavior other than that he was “taking charge” and just being “helpful”.

TDLR: Don’t let random pushy dudes come out of nowhere and do free unsolicited work for you if you don’t know him. Stand your ground or call someone to help and make sure they hear the other person on the line.

Edit: spelling and tdlr

Last_Nerve42 · 2021-07-13T12:03:06+00:00

Yikes. I think your gut is right on. If you have a friend or family member who could stay with you for a couple days (or you stay somewhere else) that might help you feel safer.

MsWriteNow07 · 2021-07-13T13:49:13+00:00

I think you’re right to be worried. This guy sounds insane. If you can, vary your routine right now. If you have any men who can come around, have them come around. Vary them, have them stay different hours at different times. And if he asks, be very upfront about that aka lie to scare him off. “Oh that must’ve been my dad and my brothers. I’ve got a huge family and they’re always coming around unexpectedly. Actually, one of my brothers is going to be staying with me awhile as he does the police academy.” Whatever. Lie and make it good. If you know he’s watching, give him something to watch. If you have any big strong men in your life, now is the time to get them involved.

But I absolutely second going to the police and getting a gun. But if you get one, you have to carry ON YOU in the house. If you are in the kitchen and the gun is in your bedroom drawer, it does you no good. You have to find a safe place for it in the bathroom where you can get to it quick, if you’re in the shower. And anytime you are especially vulnerable, in the shower, in bed, you need extra protection. In your bedroom and your shower put locks on the windows as well as the doors. And get the deadbolts put on your bathroom door and your bedroom door, not just those flimsy locks that come with the house. Those are the most vulnerable rooms because they weren’t designed for protection.

I’m concerned this guy doesn’t seem at all worried about keeping a buffer zone around his home. I’ve heard of lots of criminals taking their victims to their houses, but I’ve never heard of a man so blatantly setting up to attack a neighbor, someone who can obviously identify him and who he has to go on seeing. This doesn’t bode well. I don’t think any measure you can take it over the top. If he lives close to your home and is genuinely skilled with handyman things, he could be breaking into your house without your knowledge and lying in wait. Get those inside and outside cameras, upgrade your alarm system, and if you don’t actually have a roommate, it may be time to get one. And those steps take time, in the meantime you can do little things like putting clear tape across your door in two places. If it’s broken when you get home and you indeed do not have a roommate, or you talk to her and make sure she wasn’t the culprit, you know someone’s been there. Be safe and keep us updated.

SuitablePerformance3 · 2021-07-13T01:55:42+00:00

Tell everyone in your neighborhood what he did and how he made you feel unsafe. Don't sugercoat it and don't show fear. Tell your family and your friends. Next time he approaches you have 911 on speedial and make sure he knows that. Tell him if he contacts or goes anywhere near you again then you will be calling the police.

In the mean time, buy cameras for your exits and windows(especially any basement doors) and make sure everything is good and locked tight in your house. Get a bat if you don't have one. I'm sorry this is happening to you, stay safe and good luck.

Platipus6 · 2021-07-13T02:36:18+00:00

He said several times that he's in construction and so could help me with fixing anything around the house.

He wants to hide your body in the walls. (or install cameras, mess with your locks, or dig an entire crawl space under your bed to live in, true story)

Trust your instincts, don't let anyone gaslight you, minimize/excuse/explain what he's done, or tell you you're overreacting.

He's 100% breaking social norms by being a voyeur (violating your reasonable expectation of privacy) and by being intrusive and trying to insert himself into your life when you're clearly not interested.

He's spying, luring and inserting. Extremely dangerous.

Seconding the privacy curtains and even the tinted window-film.

Does your house have a landline? Could you get a phone jack installed in your bedroom, and an old school handset that doesn't need power it's a much better way to call 911 because your home address shows up. Even if you dial and can't speak or have to hang up, they can send police. Also get a non-key lock for your bedroom door (in case of fire), something like a sliding bolt for a gate.

Don't beat yourself up for fawning, it's extremely hard to break out of that survival instinct. You did great by not giving him your phone number. Things could be a lot worse already.

PS does he even have a daughter, has anyone seen her, is anyone else going to this supposed party? Do start talking to your women neighbours, we gossip for a reason, to protect the pack.

alichuchu · 2021-07-13T02:24:23+00:00

Tell EVERYONE you know, let your neighbors know, document everything that is happening, get locks, a surveillance system, ALWAYS have your location sent to people you trust like family and friends whenever you leave your home!!!!! Honestly, I know this might not be within reach but if you can even somehow move, that’d be great. This is how women go missing or get k*lled! Please be safe and vigilant!!! Gosh this is terrible.

SmootherThanAStorm · 2021-07-13T02:02:25+00:00

I didn't get any bad vibes from your description until I reached "invitations by text" and instantly knew your gut instinct was right! Thanks for sharing knowledge that's useful to anyone at all naive about the intentions of strangers.

ButterfliesHurricane · 2021-07-13T13:49:23+00:00

A walking red flag. He is not trying to help you. He is forcing his presence on you. Don’t give him your number (tell him you’re busy that day), he’s giving off predator vibes. Try not to engage in conversation, hello and that’s it.

yoursultana · 2021-07-13T02:30:24+00:00

I’m pretty sure this man wants to access your home to install cameras or leave a way for him to enter and harm you easily. Please be extra careful. Inform your entire neighborhood of his creepy behavior and tell everyone. Scrotes rely on women’s silence to continue their predatory behavior scot-free.

TRUST YOUR GUT, ALWAYS.

rivdidit · 2021-07-13T13:05:39+00:00

I would research getting an RO. Get his full name and do a background check. Find a female lawyer to help you. Don’t see this as a warning and take action. Also, if you can, learn to use gun and register to have one.

AbbyDean1985 · 2021-07-13T15:27:29+00:00

Please get some pepper spray at a minimum and keep it in a few different spots in your home and on your keys or purse. This guy sounds dangerous.

shelballama · 2021-07-13T09:04:03+00:00

Lol imagine coopting your daughter's 16th birthday party for a first date... Yikes

CoriVanilla · 2021-07-13T05:52:36+00:00

Trust that gut feeling girl, start recording and reporting what you can.

purasangria · 2021-07-13T03:03:37+00:00

Why are you asking all this? You feel uncomfortable, and that's enough. Your gut is tellng you what you need to know; stop second-guessing yourself and just tell him you have other plans or flat out tell him no. But stop doing things that you don't want to do just to please others. Say no.

ginnnnie · 2021-07-13T13:05:55+00:00

Get abucnh of cameras around your house if you don’t already !!

LovedDemons · 2021-07-13T17:52:21+00:00

Yeah, the guy is trying to definitely get your number. Strangers never push that hard when asking something from another stranger if they are decent people. They understand that giving your number out so freely isn't a good thing and try different, less personal ways to communicate.

Honestly, he could have just put an invitation in your mailbox and be done with it. No talking whatsoever or creeping. He could have put up a flier or ad in the neighborhood, or put something on the community board. He could do a lot of things to let you know about a party for his kid in multiple ways that don't include phone numbers or directly communicating with you. So don't buy his trash. If he was a decent human being, he would see the problem with asking for a phone number from someone he barely knows in a situation that doesn't require that question to be asked.

You have good instinct. Don't give in.

t3ddi · 2021-07-13T18:06:22+00:00

He is offering to do repairs so that you are indebted to him. Pred tactic (read: Gift of Fear).

SkiesEclipse · 2021-07-14T00:37:27+00:00

You know what? Even IF he was a genuinely good person and this was all innocent, (ha!) you should never have to explain or justify your boundaries. Own them. You know what they say: “good fences make good neighbours.”

Tharwaum · 2021-07-13T02:56:44+00:00

Seems like he wants to date you/hook up with you. The things he said /invitation are quite weird, socially. Most people wouldn’t let their crush know they saw their visitors, or (even weirder) invite them to their teen’s party. It doesn’t mean he’s going to try to kill you but I don’t really think he’s worth a chance since obviously his social behaviour is not what you expected, he'd probably have lots more flaws/weirdness the more you get to know him. Also, he didn’t properly ask you out, right?!

thowawaywookie · 2021-07-13T06:21:38+00:00

Men are never just being friendly. He's looking to hookup and being a pest about it. A lot of men think any woman that talks with them want him. No matter how old or ugly. Eeww. Delusional.

LilyFuckingBart · 2021-07-13T03:42:45+00:00

Definitely trust your gut. There’s a chance he’s just an overly friendly guy but honestly who cares even if that is the case? Better to protect yourself and err way on the side of caution.

yalllove · 2021-07-13T04:32:05+00:00

Get a dog, a big dog and a ring camera

lellanc · 2021-07-13T07:10:35+00:00

get a gun if you can

2021-07-13T04:22:51+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Title	Male neighbor invited me to his daughter's birthday--red flag?
Author	lalalalaika
Upvotes	1142
Comments	154
Date	July 13, 2021 1:41 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/oj5hej/male_neighbor_invited_me_to_his_daughters/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/male-neighbor-invited-me-to-his-daughters-birthday.790897 https://theredarchive.com/post/790897

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