Do single mothers get a bad rap?

LotBuilder · 2022-05-15T12:27:20+00:00

Are you ok with being 5th or 6th place on her list of priorities? That is about the best you will ever get. It certainly works for a FWB situation but not a real relationship. Being a step parent is possibly the most thankless job on the planet. You have all the responsibility of parenthood without any power to set expectations or enforce rules.

I have a friend that married a single mom with a 6 year old daughter. He put her through private schools, college and grad school. He coached her sports teams and went to every event. Last summer the daughter got married and her deadbeat bio dad walked her down the aisle at a wedding that he payed for. When he was upset by this his wife and adopted daughter told him he was being selfish and it was her day. He’s filing for divorce as soon as he gets his ducks in a row. He feels like he was used for 22 years.

LarryLooxmax · 2022-05-15T15:23:24+00:00

The reason i see single moms as a trap is this:

“I know i said i dont you need to parent them but now i kinda do”

Followed by (sometime later):

“They are MY kids not yours!”

You will get hit with whatever philosophical stance on the kids suits her mood/needs at a given time. Even the kids themselves (being kids) will rebel and throw the “not my REAL dad” in your face and it will hurt because it is true.

God alone knows what drama you will face if the bio dad is a shithead slipping in and out of his kids (and by extension your) life.

If you intend to have kids at all, its better they be your kids. If you are already a single dad yourself its different, you can only make the best of a bad situation there.

It CAN work out… but for currently childless men why take the risk? Find a woman you love, have kids with her and be their dad… fuckin simplicity itself.

smallstarseeker · 2022-05-15T13:33:13+00:00

They do come in package with children fathered by other men.

Chance of divorce for first marriage is 40%, for second 60% for third +70%.

Paliant · 2022-05-15T13:16:49+00:00

I feel bad for the kids of struggling single moms. I don’t feel bad enough to step in to play step dad though.

Women in their later 30s - early 40s with adolescent kids is one thing. A young 20 something mother with young, dependent kids who need constant supervision is another.

They get a bad wrap because women have never had more control over the birth process in the past than they do now. As the great Mr Kevin Samuels said it, “there are no more accidental births in the post-modern age”.

Pastelitomaracucho · 2022-05-15T12:38:31+00:00

Why date a single mom when you can date someone who doesn't have a kid?

Admirable_Bee_8714 · 2022-05-15T10:54:46+00:00

There is no situation where dating a single mother makes any sense. The level of aggravation that is associated with it is never going to be offset by whatever she is throwing at you.

RatDontPanic · 2022-05-15T10:13:07+00:00

Never, ever play another man's savegame. Unless you're a single dad.

TheEternalGhost · 2022-05-15T12:37:58+00:00

When it comes to dating don’t be so quick to write off single mothers, they can be a good match in the right situation.

You started by saying they're bad for commitment and bad for casual, then straight to this with no reasoning whatsoever. What situation do you think they're a good match in?

Opening_Pattern_301 · 2022-05-15T12:04:56+00:00

Single mothers who got pregnant due to their trashy behavior or dating trashy men are the ones that get bad rep, widows who simply lost the father of the child for example or single mothers who got raped but still decided to have the kid do not get a bad rep, they get empathy.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

ContradictingFeeling · 2022-05-15T12:16:38+00:00

As someone who doesn't want kids, I surely don't want to be involved in raising someone else their kids. In the beginning they might say you don't have to get involved, but it will always turn into that.

As a grown up, just being in the same house as your partners kid, you ARE involved. You are a responsible adult. You can't just always say "ask your mom" when a kid asks something. You have to be a resposible adult example. And before you know it you have to watch the kid from time to time because the mom / your partner needs to go grocery shopping or take evening classes or whatever or they ask you to go pick up the kid from school because your route from work to home passes the school etc.

I wouldn't 100% rule out dating a single mom, but I surely will avoid it.

Edit: You'll also never be her number 1 priority. If the kid is from the both of you, it's different because you both might make it a higher priority then your partner.

Mr_Chad_Thunderpenis · 2022-05-15T13:51:13+00:00

I don't think anyone has a problem with single moms when things are just casual. It's only a big deal when it comes to commitment.

Men don't want to invest time, attention and resources on another man's kid. And they want their partner's resources, time and attention to be directed towards them and any kids they might potentially have in the future, not split between their own kids and the kids she had with another man.

The problem with single moms, at least the ones visible on social media and dating apps, is that they have extremely unrealistic expectations of what they can actually get. There is a big difference in the dating hierarchy between an attractive woman with zero kids and an attractive woman with 1 or 2 kids from a previous LTR/marriage. Unless of course the kids are out of the house and are independent, then I guess it doesn't really matter.

decoy88 · 2022-05-15T14:52:54+00:00

They might want bigger dicks.

DisplacedBitzer · 2022-05-15T21:01:45+00:00

Disclaimer, this is takes a while to address the point.

Why are they single? Bad guy? That indicates bad ability to choose men, maybe high n count. Abrasive personality? If widow, my sympathies, but that is an extremely low number. The amount of good women ltr wise who are single mothers is low, it’s usually indicative of a red flag.
You’re never the priority, the kids are. It’s understandable, but ultimately undesirable for men. Beginning a relationship takes time, they don’t typically have that.
Money and time. She has to find a babysitter, no spontaneous trips/adventures/unplanned fun. You may be expected to pay for the kids, raise them with no respect.
Another guys kids. I want kids, a single mother is a bad choice for men who don’t want kids as well because there are kids. A single mother is a bad choice for men who want kids because it’s not theirs and kids are expensive. People can’t afford large family’s. It adds tons of new dynamics. I want to be a father, but I will not raise someone else’s kids.
They don’t do casual dating in general, the entire premise is rare in general. Check any single mother dating profile. Generally, they seek commitment because otherwise everyone would never commit due to reasons above. A lot of the single mothers I see are just looking for beta bucks. Someone to bail them out of their bad decisions. Someone to raise their kids. Sure, maybe there are a few decent single mothers, but why fucking bother(aside from maybe fucking?)

GYN-k4H-Q3z-75B · 2022-05-15T09:49:16+00:00

They fall through the great filter for most young men looking for a woman. There is something about the idea of entering a family's life and becoming involved in it as a role model and taking responsibility for a kid that is not your own that is hard to swallow for men.

Personally, I happen to know and be friends with one single mother and she's absolutely delightful, and her kid likes me a lot. I could imagine getting involved in such a situation if I were much older (mid 50s or something like that). But right now, I'd rather be friends and have my own kids.

EnteFetz · 2022-05-15T10:51:40+00:00

My FWB is a single mother. She is usually super busy, but when she has time every other week, she is DTF for real.

midwesternMD · 2022-05-15T14:37:13+00:00

Bad rap? Not necessarily. Single mothers are people too. Hell, I have a few single mother friends/colleagues who are great people that I respect.

But I wouldn’t date any of them unless I were strictly looking to casually date.

I’m a man who is looking for wife/kids material, I have a somewhat demanding job, and I don’t have kids. I can be fairly flexible on the schedule side of things, but I don’t want to compete for her attention. And I don’t want to have my plans threatened by babysitter logistics, ex-custody drama, ex logistics, or any other bullshit.

Even if I could accept all of that, and she were the perfect woman for me, and we got married/had biological kids of our own- I don’t think I’d be able to treat “their” kid(s) the same as I’d treat “our” kid(s). That’s a shitty situation for every party. So since the end goal is as shitty as the path to it, my decision is to simply avoid the problem altogether.

But if I get old enough that I no longer want a family of my own, sure, I’ll start to date single mothers. I won’t put marriage on the table though, because for me, the kids factor is the only reason I want to get married.

missionarymechanic · 2022-05-15T16:09:05+00:00

In terms of meaningful relationships, the only men who should consider single-moms are single-dads or those who are well past when kids have moved out. The kids themselves aren't the real issue and are usually adaptable, it is the incredibly imbalanced power dynamic with their parent that puts up barriers.

And I'm not saying those barriers are invalid, "mom's boyfriend" is one of the most common vectors for abuse. But by being a single-parent yourself, the negative experiences can balance out: "Yeah, it sucks that they want to go to the museum without me, but I'm taking my kid fishing next weekend, anyways."

I'm childless, tried it, got burned, never again. I will say the worst part is when you actually want kids. You then get to deal with the emotional break-up with the ex and coming home to a dead-quiet house day after day. You know it was bad when one day you knock something to the floor just to hear chaos and clatter again. (If I ever have kids my current empty-nest plan is just to adopt until I'm dead. I already know how much it sucks when they're not my kids.)

anonymousUser1SHIFT · 2022-05-15T21:01:43+00:00

Where I live, about 30% to 50% of the dateable population of women are single mothers in their 20s.

Most of them have no education (maximum high school) and don't have a full time job, let alone about half of them don't even have a job or want one. (Ie they put it in the bio "SAHM looks for someone who can support me"...)

So for my area, absolutely they have a bad rap.

Ylduts · 2022-05-15T22:38:25+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Stunning-Potato-1984 · 2022-05-15T17:35:43+00:00

I think single parents should exclusively date each other. Helps to prevent uneven family dynamics half siblings can cause. And the children will be more accepted by someone who's already a father than some single guy.

gcaledonian · 2022-05-15T20:39:08+00:00

I don't date single mothers nor fathers because I don't like kids and I didn't like my own stepparents. My stepmother greatly resented the package deal that was my dad and my sister and me and we fought until the day she left. My stepfather was a religious nut job that convinced my mother we needed to cleanse the house of demons.

I don't really see single parents as "used up", though maybe that is a distinctly male perspective on things. Gross, but whatever, that's your prerogative. I just don't want to deal with their damn kids and any leftover entanglements with their exes. I'm perfectly fine being single or finding another person with no kids. Of course, after age 35, if people haven't had kids there's probably a host of other things to deal with.

ObviouslyAnAltAct · 2022-05-15T20:59:26+00:00

I can't speak for anyone but myself. But if I was single (I'm not), I wouldn't date a single mother for a number of reasons. The first reason is that I would never be able to discipline the child the way I felt was appropriate. Most likely this would be true even if I legally adopted the child. Secondly, the vast majority of relationships fail. Children are easy to fall in love with. If she ended it, I would be losing two relationships. Finally, I would always be less important to her. I would never really be her priority. And that's exactly how it should be, it isn't a complaint, but it's a crappy situation to be in. So that's why I wouldn't be with a single mother. EDIT: I also forgot about the biological father being in the picture which is a whole world of trouble I neither want nor need.

ThrowawayYAYAY2002 · 2022-05-15T22:24:24+00:00

They're good for practice, but not for long term.

I got with a single mother for nearly 3 years. We had some beautiful times together. But the bad times? Man, I have never been treated so bad by women who didn't have children in my past.

Wait till "parents evening" comes around, or when the child gets injured badly and the real dad shows up out of nowhere, or if the kid turns around and verbally buries you with "you're not my dad!". If you do go with one, make sure her kids are 16+.

The juice isn't worth the squeeze with them.

bison5595 · 2022-05-17T00:32:48+00:00

Dating single moms isn’t an issue when you put yourself first. Single moms first priority is their child. You aren’t required to put them first. If you do, that’s your problem, not theirs.

TermAggravating8043 · 2022-05-15T10:19:08+00:00

Single mums I have no quarry with, their usually good parents, doing anything and everything fir their children, their loyal, organised, if you like kids it’s like a win/win The only time I raise an eyebrow is when they have kids but never see them, and unfortunately that’s usually the dads

Orange_Paisley · 2022-05-15T15:32:19+00:00

I married young and divorced young with a 3 year old kid. My circle of friends quickly became other young single moms, whether they got that way before or after marriage. We supported each other in a lot of ways - passing down baby clothes, exchanging babysitting time, play dates. Several of them are still my best friends today and our kids are in the 20-30 range and almost like cousins. Most of them are married to good men or women (not “beta bucks”) who seem to appreciate them and love them.

My stepdad started dating my mom when I was 6 and married her when I was 12. My dad is a free spirit type who never bought into marital monogamy so that is why she left him (he’s still in love with her today). My stepdad wasn’t perfect by any means but he adores my mom and did his best with us. Stepdads can be great male role models. And all 3 of my parents have remained friends to this day.

Prize-Thought-4205 · 2022-05-15T18:26:24+00:00

This is just very sad, saying to be okay with dating single mothers is like saying men should be okay with dating chubby or fat women. A lot of men do lower their standards because they are desperate for sex but it destroys something infinitely more important than sex inside them, their masculinity & self worth. It also promotes a passive lazy mindset instead of a growth mindset always going for low hanging fruit… it you’re a man under 30 even committing to girls with high n count that look good is better than committing to single mothers. If you don’t ever fulfill the first point of having sex in life, being able to share a special bond with another human that means something to them & you. (For me anyway, everyone else has different meanings for it, some men use it for validation or ego boosting & knowing they can have sex with beautiful women, that makes them satisfied with sex). You can at least fulfill the second point, raising your own biological kids instead of another man’s. This sub gets too depressing sometimes.

TodTheRod01 · 2022-05-15T20:32:50+00:00

bad rap implies they are unfairly painted in a bad light and not a truthful one....id say if you look at it from a logical perspective, and from the man's POV....its not a great idea.

People are busy, add in kids, even more busy...
if she has kids already there's also chance she doesn't want more
drama with the baby daddy aka always gonna have to deal with another dude, which means if you wanna move cities for work...big problemo
you're never going to REALLY be that kids dad...aka mom is always going to think/believe she gets more of a say then you...no matter how long you're together
financially going to be on the hook in part at least (when things get passed a certain point) for said kid.
statistically speaking: Women gained an average of 32 pounds while pregnant and were an average of nearly 173 pounds a year after childbirth. About 75 percent were heavier than they were pre-pregnancy, including 47 percent retaining more than 10 pounds

Just to name a few

kayakr1194 · 2022-05-15T21:06:25+00:00

I believe that the gains outweigh the losses in dating a single mother. While single mothers are not inherently bad, the idea of raising someone's children just feels like settling. If men who enter these relationships has some kind of guarantee that the bio dad couldn't come back into their life then maybe, but I have this gut feeling that the new guy will always be a silver metal to the single mom, no matter what.

Transmigratory · 2022-05-16T07:54:00+00:00

Fuck buddies seems nice if she's hot.

hybridcbu · 2022-05-16T14:13:37+00:00

Legal dangers still exist with casual. I wouldn't risk it, no pussy is worth it.

Guitar-Master9891 · 2022-05-16T15:15:01+00:00

I'm going to be honest, I don't do prostitutes, dumb/crazy women, women who are drunk or heavily drugged and single mothers.

IDK why but single mothers are like a boner killer for me, like a huge blow to my ego you know what I mean?

Like, come on, you know she's doing it for the kids right? And there is NO WAY she doesn't know what she's doing. She knows it.

And you know she knows it too. And the kid knows it.

Hell, the moment you walk in the door even the dog knows it, the damn puppy is like "well here comes the new dude, I hope Sheyla gives him a good sloppy blowjob so little Ronny gets a new dad to play football with and gives me a fucking break so I can lick my balls peacefully on Sunday mornings".

Dude, the covert contract is so damn everywhere that I can't focus on keeping it hard without thinking "hey when is she going to break down in tears and start complaining about money and being alone and her ex not helping her with the kid and feeling so unprotected and unsafe? Is it now? Can I bust a nut first? Ok?"

Worst feeling ever: fucking her while their kids are in the other bedroom.

And yeah, you are going to have to do the dids at her place sometimes because she's not going out with you every weekend.

I feel, literally, like a random motherfucker. All the time.

And I'm not like any motherfucker. I don't want kids to point their fingers at me and say "look everybody, he fucked my mom, the motherfucker". I want MY children so I can fuck their mom right?

No man I don't need that shit.

I wish single moms the best, they are doing an INCREDIBLY HARD job and an even bigger contribution to humanity...

But yeah, not my thing.

Single-Rutabaga-489 · 2022-05-16T17:33:41+00:00

What are some good excuses for a woman being a single mother?

A woman's answer to "why are you a single mother" would be pretty important to me as far as deciding if I would have a serious relationship with her

just_a_place · 2022-05-16T18:34:44+00:00

It doesn't matter what kind of reputation they have. It's like the Body Positivity Movement. No amount of propaganda or positivity imaging is ever going to make inherently unattractive people attractive.

A man would still have sex with a single mother but men who are serious do not want single mothers for any kind of serious relationship. It's just NOT what we want! And no amount of "good reputation" is going to change that.

Lateralanouncer · 2022-05-16T20:56:50+00:00

Despite what people say. If you can navigate the obvious risks they can be consistent plates.

Warning, 1:35 red pill content.

https://youtu.be/Qo0dA2B--mY

creekcrystall · 2022-05-17T22:31:55+00:00

Single mothers do get a bad rap and ironically, a lot of it comes from men who were raised by a single mothers.

PlayfulLawyer · 2022-05-15T14:08:28+00:00

They get a lot of unnecessary scorn on here but would it be my first option to date a single mother? No, I can't say it would be however if I was single and was down to date a single mother I've always said there has to be certain caveats

CocoBabeNYC · 2022-05-15T14:14:16+00:00

Without single moms there wouldn't be any MILFS you can bang without them cheating on their husbands. Good for thought.

Ppdstillmental · 2022-05-15T18:23:22+00:00

People with kids already are best paired with others with kids. Unless someone’s kids are grown, being a stepparent is a bad deal all around.

HazyMemory7 · 2022-05-15T20:55:10+00:00

No. Who the hell wants to raise another man's kid? Certainly not a man with an ounce of self respect.

Single mothers are by far, by far the most entitled women on the planet. I saw a woman on tinder on the other day in her mid 30s who has 3 kids and is currently pregnant, and her bio said that she wants to settle down with a husband and is skeptical she'll find a man that's is worthwhile. Girl. What. the. fuck. These women are a dime a dozen.

notinmywheelhouse · 2022-05-16T01:20:49+00:00

Wow. I’m shocked at the amount of cynicism on this thread.

whostonedtx · 2022-05-15T16:02:34+00:00

Honestly single moms are killing the dating game. Men think they want women to make them a priority when in fact most don’t - it creeps them out. Modern men prefer women who have a life outside of their relationship which single moms have. They have more important shit to worry about than wondering why a man didn’t call or text quickly enough. Also they’ve proven they can be good mothers (the ones who are good mothers ofc) can usually cook, and are appreciative of the little things since they don’t usually get time for themselves. Tbh some of my friends and family who are/were single moms and had kids early are more financially well off than those who didn’t because they had no choice but to be responsible. They didn’t make excuses - they made shit happen. My sister had her first child at 18 and became a home owner by 21 (with room mates but still - it was essentially house hacking where your room mates help you pay off your mortgage.

And yes boomers suck and things were easier back then but I’m going to give that generation credit and admit that part of their success can be attributed to having kids earlier and not having a choice. We do tend to make excuses for ourselves but shit really does change once you have a child to care for.

Don’t be quick to judge single moms- changes are they have their shit together more than the average person. And before someone assumes I’m a single mom - I have 0 kids.

dijsd · 2022-05-15T13:02:09+00:00

Single mother = bad judgment

thetacobitch · 2022-05-15T15:48:40+00:00

Honestly at a loss for words at how disgusting this thread is.

DontwantaFairOne · 2022-05-15T15:32:31+00:00

If you are older 40+/have kids of your own, your dating pool is all single mothers or childfree, cat ladys unless you date way younger.

Even for casual, the shit schedule & emotional damage from failed relationships isn’t worth it.

Basic-Bat511 · 2022-05-15T19:04:44+00:00

Yea they do, but shouldn’t.

Smitten_Squire · 2022-05-15T20:54:24+00:00

Because they made shitty life choices.

_sikandar · 2022-05-16T03:23:27+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Saxonlover89 · 2022-05-15T16:18:37+00:00

Single mums are good for practice and that's it.

That__EST · 2022-05-15T12:48:26+00:00

What's with this concept of "bringing things to the table"? Click with people you click with, and stop spending your time with people who you don't feel a connection. Anyone who becomes your partner needs to bring an equal amount of value to the relationship. Talking about "bringing something to the table" smacks of men believing women have no value. Which, some don't. But believing that they are without value as a whole is as ridiculous as any woman believing that men are without value.

Find someone who you connect with. The vast majority of men and women are good people who just want to share their lives with someone. If all you're encountering is trash and low achievers in the dating pool, look at yourself and figure out why that's what you're attracting. And just to be clear, this goes for any gender.

Carloverguy20 · 2022-05-16T00:09:56+00:00

I would say yes. Something i've noticed. We shame single mothers, but why don't we shame the fathers who are too chicken to raise their own kids and walk out on the family. If anyone should be shamed and belittled, it should be the pathetic deadbeat fathers.

Deadbeat fathers are the real losers. Don't have kids if you aren't man enough to raise your own kids.

I respect single mothers who try their best to raise their kids on their own. Being a step-dad is more alpha than beta imo. It takes a real man to raise someone elses kids thats not biologically their own. Step-dads get a bad rep in the manosphere

sarkington · 2022-05-15T14:55:21+00:00

They get stereotyped, yes

blaizken_420 · 2022-05-15T17:43:21+00:00

Yes. They're single for a reason.

Cerrax3 · 2022-05-16T14:45:54+00:00

How selfish are you people?

The top comments here are like "Don't put your time and energy into the relationships because the kid will just choose their bio-dad over you anyway."

Yeah. and....?

I'm not a stepfather because I want accolades and regocnition. I'm a stepdad because I love my wife and I love her child and I want whatever is best for them. I'm okay with the fact that the kid is always gonna choose mom or bio-dad over me. I'm not here for glory. I'm here to make this kid's life better.

ruboyuri · 2022-05-15T16:25:06+00:00

Yup, because women are supposed to be punished for refusing a man

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SolidTunnelSnake · 2022-05-15T20:18:19+00:00

Unconditionally, most men give single moms a bad rep.

For me, it depends on the circumstances. A single mother widow is much better than a single mother who doesn’t even know who the father of her child is.

worldofknolowlage · 2022-05-16T07:50:12+00:00

I personally have no problems with single mums, depending on the situation of course but most of the time it's perfectly fine, I have kids and I also love kids and I think there's nothing wrong with being a single mum

2022-05-17T16:06:09+00:00

I was a single mother and it didn't effect dating for me. I work at a school and no one really makes a distinction between single parents and partnered parents - so I think there's little IRL stigma around it.

Men (well people) have all these requirements but of they get along with someone and there's attraction they often throw those requirements put the window lol.

Possible_Sir6205 · 2022-06-09T17:28:53+00:00

The bad thing about being a step dad is those kids will never truly be yours no matter how bad you may want them to be. No matter how you slice it the term "step dad" is very accurate, because you're constantly getting stepped on for the sake of someone else's offspring. Then there is the possibility of baby daddy drama and the whole "they're not your kids they're mine" issue. If that's something a certain man can handle then by all means go for it, but for those reasons I avoid daing single mom's like a sumo wrestler avoids drinking slimfast.

AlwaysUrDaddy · 2022-07-20T00:25:01+00:00

No, that don't get a bad rap. Why do you want to be the guy to clean up the mess, when you weren't invited to the party to start with? These women have been gone through and rolled out by all the players, got played out and now need "A GOOD MAN" to CLEAN IT ALL UP!

JUST SAY NO!

Title	Do single mothers get a bad rap?
Author	Ylduts
Upvotes	37
Comments	533
Date	May 15, 2022 9:39 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/uq2l6j/do_single_mothers_get_a_bad_rap/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/do-single-mothers-get-a-bad-rap.1114160 https://theredarchive.com/post/1114160

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