Would you date someone divorced/ have kids?

vbych76 · 2021-12-04T14:02:04+00:00

I did it, but personally, with my current experience and being a childless woman myself, I wouldn't do that again. Maybe if I was divorced and had children, I would think otherwise, BUT ( and that's a big one) I wouldn't live with him and wouldn't want to meet his children or him to meet mine. It's the unwritten expectation for the "new" woman to step in the role of a "mother", get all the hate for being the "second wife", with some of the responsibilities, but none of the benefits. To me it always seemed like living my own life as a background character.

xfelugirlx · 2021-12-04T15:54:01+00:00

No thanks, I’m too young for that and most of these men don’t even take care of their children as they should

onions_r_evil · 2021-12-04T15:47:42+00:00

It depends.

I'm divorced and my kids are grown. I would date a man who has older children. Older meaning at least graduated from high school. I will not and have walked away from some seemingly HVM because they had young, school aged kids who lived with their mother.

I raised my children and I'm done with that phase of my life. I have no intention of helping raise someone else's kids and being a stepmother. It's a big boundary for me and I have been very firm enforcing it.

DumpsterWitchy · 2021-12-04T14:24:37+00:00

I once went on a date with a guy who had children. He didn't tell me before the date how many, but during the meal he said he has five and he wanted more ... Also, he started to whine how it was so much work and it gets harder and harder for him to keep up. So simply he was just looking for a free care taker for his children and household. After the date was over and I went home, I sent him a message, that it was a nice day, but that we aren't a fit, because of our differences in interests. Then blocked him and never looked back.

LallieDoo · 2021-12-04T16:24:24+00:00

OVER MY DEAD BODY ☠️

Been there, done that, got the bloody t-shirt. Never again.

fireforestfairy · 2021-12-04T13:30:57+00:00

I think the general consensus here is that it is a bad idea to date someone with kids who haven't reached adulthood.

Kyliekimmy · 2021-12-04T15:47:31+00:00

Never again its not worth it

cutiebranch · 2021-12-04T15:30:04+00:00

Not unless he knows his kids are HIS.

A friends husband recently left her. She was in her early twenties and when we first met she said she had four kids and I was like “what?”

Well, there are from her husband’s previous marriage and one is theirs together.

Well, she became a SAHM, he got about 3-4 years of free babysitting out of her, then divorced her and is onto the next young twenty something.

I see a lot of comments from people who are child free (and that’s fine) but even if you want children when you put yourself in this position you risk become a caregiver and attached to children and then having them suddenly removed from your life with no recourse. Emotionally damaging on multiple fronts

AmeliaEmiliaEmma · 2021-12-04T15:24:54+00:00

I’m a bit skeptical about divorced men. My older sister keeps saying- a woman doesn’t divorce a good man for a small reason.

I’m childfree, but I wouldn’t mind one kid that wouldn’t be my responsibility.

bleda_princezna · 2021-12-04T13:40:30+00:00

Currently I wouldn't date a divorced man or a man with kids. I'm in my late 20s, if he's already divorced around this age, I'd be put off. When I'm older, let's say around the age of 35, I wouldn't have a massive problem with it, but obviously I'd be vetting to see if there was a very good reason he's divorced. Around the age of 35 it's more suspicious that he never was married. Shit happens, he may have just been very unlucky, but I'd be careful in both situations, so my attitude would be the same.

When it comes to men with children, I don't think that will change for me even with age. I don't want to have kids. And since I want to be a childfree woman, I'd prefer a childfree man, because I know I'd be expected to be involved in some degree.

I've spent most of my life taking care of my many siblings due to shitty parenting of the actual parents who made them... So, no thanks. I want to finally focus on myself and not continue doing unpaid labor for people who never appreciate it without ever getting anything back for my effort, not even a thank you.

It's draining, I've neglected myself because of it and got treated like shit in many situations, because everyone felt entitled to my help without actually helping me when I needed (with the exception of one of the parents actually giving a shit, but still... would be more helpful if they didn't put their job on me).

I think most men would expect me to help with his kids and I'm just not interested in repeating these cycles. It's his job, not mine. I've got plenty of my own problems to deal with.

simplicityduplicity · 2021-12-04T14:59:27+00:00

Been there, done that, won’t do it again. Both times went up in flames because of unhealed relational issues they needed (but didn’t) seek therapy for. Also, having kids in the mix made everything more challenging. The one with kids wanted me to meet them way too soon. And because things were rocky between him and his ex wife, it didn’t seem fair for me to meet them and then disappear shortly thereafter.

I think my one caveat to this rule in the future will be widowers, if they’ve done their due diligence in therapy.

Buttercup5555 · 2021-12-04T15:36:03+00:00

I would date a divorced man if he had mature views on why his marriage ended- either incompatibility or emotional issues which he has dealt with and is not going to repeat in our relationship. Also no contact with an ex is a given. A guy with children- absolutely not. It's impossible to stay disentangled from the relationship he has with his ex-wife and you will inevitably have to take on a significant amount of child responsibilities with very little if any right to say how they should be raised. For me it's a heavy no.

veniphyl · 2021-12-04T13:54:12+00:00

Divorced yes, kids of any age no. Also any contact with any ex is a big no.

ortzunicornio · 2021-12-04T14:21:16+00:00

I'm childfree so no, no kids. I don't care even if the kids are grown, I believe parenting never stops so he’s still a dad even if his kids are all past legal age.

As for divorced... I'm a little iffy about that, but short answer is probably no.

2340000 · 2021-12-04T14:22:03+00:00

To consider a divorced man with kids, I'd have to be divorced with kids too🤷

kansascitydream · 2021-12-04T14:11:13+00:00

I feel like a hypocrite, but I just want to add something. Single dads are often angry/ misogynistic/hate single moms(project their ex on to them)/ low achievers/ fat bodies and poor health/and often neglectful of their children. Single mother’s are often the strongest most resilient women you will meet. I fought tooth and nail to obtain my own wealth, education, and mental health to escape that man.
Look at divorce statistics and see that women are the ones leaving. I have been dating for three years, and every single dad I meet is pitiful in some way. I always roll my eyes because I am in a similar position, yet I rise and I flourish. If I ever met one that didn’t have the negative qualities I mentioned, I would date him. But that doesn’t happen. Take it from me,a single mom. Do not date single dads. I sure don’t.

BoxingChoirgal · 2021-12-04T16:59:34+00:00

At my age (58) the majority of available men are divorced.

As a young woman prior to marriage and children, I wanted no part of a divorced man or man with kids. Relationships can be hard enough, why ask for more problems?? It would have to have been an EXCEPTIONAL man with kids/an ex-wife that I would have been with.

My preferences based on experience:

When I was divorced in my mid-40's and my kids were young-ish, I wanted someone who had kids (but not younger than mine please), because it would make sense that only fathers would understand the reality of my kids coming first therefore my need for advance scheduling as well as flexibility if something came up and my kid needed me. Also, as a parent, he should understand why I would take a very slow route to intimacy and only introduce him to my daughters nearly a year into a serious, committed relationship.

(And, as a mother of young beautiful daughters, he should realize why I would be super-cautious about thorough vetting, not giving my home address, etc.)

...Hey, that makes me realize something: ALL women should vet as if they have a young beautiful daughter at home!!! Do for Yourself what some of us only woke up to doing on behalf of our children!!!

Anyway, I figured a father would understand better.

Wrong.

Divorced men were just as whiny and disappointed at the reality of my being a mother as were some child-free men. And oh, how quickly the fun is destroyed when a man puts pressure on you to do less for your kids because he is bored/lonely.

It turned out that just being a father does NOT mean a man understands the time and energy a single mother puts into childcare and emotional labor. Because so many men have kids, THINK that they are/have been parenting (the reality is more like occasional play dates/babysitting and the usual spontaneous award ceremony for him on the playground when HE's the one to push them on the swings..), when in fact their Ex-WIVES have done and continue to do most of the mule work.

In some ways fathers Can Be more emotionally and financially mature. But not to the degree I had hoped. My longest relationship in my 40's was with a perennial bachelor/benign narcissist. My limited schedule worked because he too was limited, in terms of his emotional availability, etc. It was a "good enough" relationship and while disappointing in some ways, there were some very nice times one or 2 weekends per month when I got a break from the kids from Friday night til Sunday nite. To be clear: It wasn't that he was so understanding about my limited availability, it's that he -- without having kids as an excuse -- was also very limited in how much time and energy he had for the relationship.

The last father I was involved with turned out to be a fucking monster. I won't go into detail only to say that he probably faked the entire relationship, all the while planning to reunite for a 2nd time with his ex-wife. He has 4 adult kids and 2 grandkids (perhaps more by now, I don't know). And his family was a royal pain in the ass.

While he seemed the most reasonable of them, his large, omni-present family (non-stop visits/gatherings/pop-ins) were very clan-like. I could tell at least one of his daughters didn't like me, and his father for sure didn't.. And believe me when I tell you that I took diplomacy to a new level in my efforts to get along with everyone. Ultimately while a family man seems like a stable, secure choice , it's exactly the opposite if he and The Tribe (both young and old) decide that you will never fit in as a person of value.

That guy was very protective of his children's inheritance (which I understand of course -- and I wish my Ex-Husband would think more that way since it looks like his 3rd wife is on a mission to distance him from our daughters and claim his fortune entirely for herself and her 3 kids). But that meant that after saying he was looking for a Partner what he really meant was a forever gf -- so that in my elder years I would have ZERO financial security after taking care of him for a decade or 3.

So, even as I had believed for many years that you should Want a man who has been married (since he's more likely to marry again), that you should Want a man who has kids (since he understands responsibility and the reality of life bringing unplanned situations etc), I have now landed on a HVM who had only ONE relationship for 35 years (never married) and NO kids.

Now, to be clear, it's not perfect, and things have not moved forward as I initially had thought. BUT - At this stage I prefer not dealing with a man's children and family. This guy has 1 sibling who lives far away, a few local cousins, 1 nephew, and that's about it. While he has his own issues (health) , he is far less encumbered by either the practical or emotional baggage of being a family man.

And that brings me to my last point:

I have NEVER met a divorced man who was not bitter or pining over his Ex-Wife. NEVER. Not One.

Most of them act as if they are "over it." But eventually it comes out. Because most men don't do their own internal work of resolving issues and feelings that destroyed the marriage. They go straight to victim mode, resent the hell out of their Ex's (even though 2 out of 3 divorced men I dated REUNITED/tried to reunite with their Ex's after months of bad-mouthing them to me), and they project onto YOU any leftover angers/fears/ etc that they are harboring... So , if my current guy doesn't work out for this last trimester of life?

NO more divorced men for me. They are too damaged.

I think it would be nice to meet a widower.

Widowed people have more money and less rage than divorced ones.

plomerst · 2021-12-04T15:05:55+00:00

It doesn’t have to change depending on your age, it’s whatever works for you depending on where you are in your life. When I was in my late 20s, before FDS, I dated a much older man who had a child from his ex-wife. However, I am now in my mid-30s and I would not date a man with children. At the time in my 20s, I wasn’t really dating to get married so the fact that he had a child didn’t bother me. But deep down I knew that I do not really want to be a stepparent, it is a very selfless role to play in a child’s life. I know when I was dating a guy with a child, sometimes it bothered me that it was clear that I would never come first to him. Regarding divorced man, I previously did not care if a man was divorced or not until very recently. I have friends now who have gone through divorces and I have seen their ex-husband’s on dating apps and their profiles are full of BS. I just am very hesitant to date a man that another woman divorce because more than likely it was for a very good reason.

night_glitter · 2021-12-04T17:52:34+00:00

I’m childfree, so I wouldn’t date a man with children, because I’m 40, and I like my lifestyle without children. I’m divorced, so I would date a divorced man, but I’d be very curious about why he got divorced. Women tend to be the ones who file for divorce, keep that in mind. So you have to be extra careful with vetting a divorced man, especially if the ex-wife is the one who filed.

Here’s an example of a divorced man I vetted. Met a man on OLD. He said his marriage ended when they realized they weren’t in love anymore, and she left. I did some online sleuthing, and she seemed normal, a teacher. When he and I did a vetting phone call, he talked about himself a LOT, and I picked up on a few other red flags (he mentioned porn for starters - on a first call). Outcome of vetting? She divorced him because he was all about himself at the very least (and I think teachers tend to be patient in general), so he wasn’t worth meeting/dating. Might be worse reasons, but that was enough for me.

I have a younger friend who got divorced after getting married hastily for citizenship reasons. She wasn’t really as in love with him as he was with her, and she started seeing someone soon after they separated (he suspected she was seeing him before that, too). He was heartbroken and filed, then has been single ever since. He decided to focus on leveling up and is almost done getting his degree. This man isn’t dateable for me, because he eventually wants to have a child. But I would consider him dateable in general as a divorced man.

Moral of these stories? Vet ruthlessly.

europoor24 · 2021-12-04T13:55:37+00:00

Frankly I wouldn’t date someone with kids at any age. It’s a lot of responsibility and there’s no way I’d want to impose on a child like that. Being imposed a step-parent can be pretty traumatic

kolsen92 · 2021-12-04T17:02:49+00:00

Divorced I might consider but I’m very firm about no children. You’ll never be their top priority, and rightfully so as children should always come first. Also their ex will always be in the picture. Three (or more) is a crowd. Some of my friends say I’m selfish but I don’t agree, I just know that wouldn’t work for me.

JulyParade · 2021-12-04T18:08:21+00:00

Nope. Divorced men are rarely self-aware enough to know the real reason for their divorce. It's because they make bad husbands. And if a man has kids I'd just wonder why he's not with the mother of the kids. Every time I've given a divorced man a chance I've regretted it. They are usually looking to slut around because apparently marriage is "confining".

geologykitty · 2021-12-04T19:05:31+00:00

NO and NEVER, and I have a child myself. I was told it was a shitty double standard and guess what --- I didn't care because it was MY standard. That was something I held out for and I'm SO glad I did.

Never, ever, ever date a single dad. Even if you have kids.

Men leave the mothers of their children for VASTLY different reasons than women leave the fathers of their children.

We leave out of fear, or because they are worthless.

They leave because they want to be "free" again or again, because they are worthless.

They are never worth it.

all_or_nothing_bet · 2021-12-04T18:17:38+00:00

As a mother, I wouldn't date a man who is not a father because 1) he would never be able to relate to parents' struggles, and 2) he will want his own child one day and I am done.

At my age, if a man has never been married or in a serious, long-term relationship, there's something seriously wrong with him and he is not a dating material.

It is completely different for younger women though. Younger me would never date a divorce man or a man with a child because there were plenty of single childless men of my age.

Unfit_Needleworker · 2021-12-04T16:27:56+00:00

I have kids and prefer not to date men with kids. I guess that sounds hypocritical.. I don’t know, but there’s a difference between a single mom and a single dad.

smart-tart23 · 2021-12-04T15:46:03+00:00

RUN! Personal experience showed me it’s not worth it

cold_bananas_ · 2021-12-04T16:27:58+00:00

I’m 30 and my parents divorced when I was 2. I lived majority with my mom and every other weekend with my dad. He dated around and when I was 16 he started dating the woman he would later marry. He had a handful of girlfriends up to that point that I met once then never saw again, and a couple that were around a lot and I really started to like before things ended. That really messed with me. Because of this, I would make sure that we weren’t still just getting to know each other/“dating” before meeting the kid(s).

Because of my own experience, I know I would be better equipped to understand the kids’ emotions/how to support and not take away from their relationship with their father/become a wedge, but honestly, it’s a lot to take on and you have to be willing to sacrifice and be selfless. I don’t know if I could even do it myself.

My stepmom and I have a great relationship now, but we had a hard time when I was a young adult. I had a lot of resentment towards both her and my father because I felt like a lot of crucial time with him was lost because of her. I understand him wanting to make it work and putting everything he had into it and I’m not angry anymore - she has made him a significantly better, happier person - but it’s taken a while to get there, and I’m still sad that we lost a lot of years together.

I think dating someone with kids can definitely be done, but you have to truly understand going into it that it’s not just about the two of you, and that you won’t always come first. I think the younger they are the easier it is to become a family unit, but as they get older it takes a lot more effort.

DiosaCordilia · 2021-12-04T16:24:59+00:00

I'm in my mid 20s so definitely not now any of this.

Maybe when I'm older but I'm not planning to 1 have kids and 2 to be a "mom" for someone else's kid. Doesn't feel right to me. Also most men assume you just take care of their child whilest they're doing the bare minimum if not less so ☠

Divorced.. Depends on the situation. Depends on why, how etc.

_laufaeson · 2021-12-04T18:10:27+00:00

Divorced, yes. Kids, no.

Sunshine_Daisies2525 · 2021-12-04T14:48:56+00:00

Maybe when I’m forty, because that’s likely when I’ll think of having kids. Depends on how much money he has 100%.

EmpyrealMarch · 2021-12-04T16:02:52+00:00

At this moment In life, neither. I am too young to be someone's step mother. Divorced at my age range is a bit of a red flag because it shows that he rushes in to things. However it's not an immediate turn off as there are a plethora of different reasons why people get divorced.

If I were older divorce would matter less. But I think the only way I could date someone with kids is if I had them myself as well.

eatapeach18 · 2021-12-04T16:25:58+00:00

No.

I did it once for a few months and thought it was great, but that was only because his ex took the kids to Italy for eight weeks in the summer to visit the grandparents. So basically those two months were just a wild fuckfest.

Once his kids came back, his Friday nights and weekends were reserved for the kids and I fell to the wayside. Then I would only get texts at 8pm on a Tuesday night saying “hey what are you doing right now?” No thanks.

I feel like dating a man with kids only works if you also have kids.

subgirlygirl · 2021-12-04T20:07:11+00:00

Absolutely. I'm 50, so meeting a man my age who's never been married is a huge 🚩🚩🚩 I'd much rather meet a man who's demonstrated that he can commit to someone for a long period of time versus skip from woman to woman. When I was in my 20s or early 30s? No way. Hard no.

lucidlotus · 2021-12-04T14:58:31+00:00

Yes, but I’m in my 40s. Don’t hesitate to be pickier about this when you’re younger.

ButterfliesHurricane · 2021-12-04T15:18:51+00:00

I personally think it helps being with someone who is at the same stage in life and similar age. Although not a deal breaker, I prefer a guy who has kids because I have and it’s easier. It’s a bit harder if one has kids and the other doesn’t because one can just do things in the spirit of the moment, spend more on holiday for example and the other has got other constraints. Also because of my stage in life, I wouldn’t want to date someone who has never had a long term committed relationship, that would be a sign he can’t commit or just has relational issues. If you are in your early 20s on the other hand someone who is already divorced would also make wonder on how seriously he takes commitment.

Not a deal breaker though but a strong indicator of values compatibility.

HighPriestess31 · 2021-12-04T18:45:17+00:00

Divorced? Maybe. Kids? No.

I'm childless and have tried dating a guy with a kid before. I ended up basically becoming a Mom to the guy AND his child. I put so much effort into helping them out that was not returned. Oh, and after a MONTH of dating he told me he's not legally divorced--HE WAS STILL MARRIED THE ENTIRE TIME. And he acted like it was a privilege he was even telling me that much.

NEVER AGAIN.

(For reference, I'm early 30's.)

sleepysiri · 2021-12-04T13:33:03+00:00

I want to know this too

shadowlillium · 2021-12-04T17:21:22+00:00

I would date someone divorced if they do not have kids but wants them, but it all depends on the reason of the divorce. Honestly though, I rather not. Never married and prefer never married, so much less complicated vetting

donttextme_k · 2021-12-04T17:40:34+00:00

I wouldn’t unless I was also divorced and had kids. The exwife is always going to be in communication because of the kid. Even without a kid, I wouldn’t want a man that was divorce. There’s just better options out there.

Technical_Moth248 · 2021-12-04T18:32:20+00:00

I would be extremely hesitant about a divorced man unless he had a damn good reason and had been to therapy (and I had the time and desire to prove he wasn’t lying to make himself look better). No kids, though. I am in my early 20s and a widow, I don’t think I would be happy as a stepmom and I’d like to start my family at my own pace.

spinsterchachkies · 2021-12-04T18:10:11+00:00

I’m closer to 35 and I would but I have conditions.

If he talks bad about his ex, it is a red flag because sometimes they do it to make them appear sympathetic. Another reason is their divorce isn’t amicable and I don’t want to deal with that drama.
I don’t want to deal with his kids all the time. I don’t want to be stuck babysitting or parenting kids that aren’t mine, so I hope he doesn’t have sole custody. But if he is a shitty horrible parent that hates his kids that would also be a deal breaker.
I don’t want to meet them right away. I feel like, how do you think the kids are going to feel meeting someone, then we don’t work out? Are you the dad that has all kinds of gfs? Are you the slut dad? Let’s have a relationship together first then after I know we are super serious I can meet them. I get uncomfortable if they suggest it too soon.
As far as step parenting, I would honestly be more of the second wife and not want to intervene in their parenting. Thats why he and his ex need to have that shit down before I get involved. Also why I hope he wouldn’t have custody. I know me and if none of that is taken care of I would probably try to be friends with the ex wife for help with her kids and that would get weird.

tiavarga · 2021-12-04T18:52:31+00:00

Nope.

ferociouslycurious · 2021-12-04T16:57:28+00:00

I’m in my forties. I would suggest that a very young divorced man has more possibility for being worth considering. He may well be toxic but there are more people who simply marry too young and mature into better partners. By the time you’re in the forties, most divorced men won’t acknowledge their contributions to a marriage’s failure and their own bad habits. The good ones found somebody and stayed married.

iacint · 2021-12-04T17:31:51+00:00

Never.

tellmesomething11 · 2021-12-04T21:19:13+00:00

Yes, why not? I don’t consider it a red flag, lol I’m divorced with kids. Regardless of any situation, people just have to be vetted. And my interests change over time. For example, when I was childless, I never dated men with children. I will do it now, but I have caveats: not too young, not too many, not multiple mothers floating around lol…. I mean I also wouldn’t want to date a divorced man who divorced because of domestic violence. So either way I just see what their story is. But I don’t instantly write them off. Some men get written off right away though, I don’t care.

DuchessDurag · 2021-12-04T22:21:43+00:00

As a young single woman with no kids and never been married, I would like my future partner to be the same and start on a fresh page. A single dad is a high risk - low reward relationship. Step parents get shitted on no matter what they do.

I have many reasons why I don’t date single dads. Single divorced dads carry a lot of baggage that they place on the next woman they have a relationship with.

Dating a single dad the ex never goes away. Dealing with the ex is a huge stressor in a relationship and she could make your life hell.

I feel like being with a divorced single dad my dreams and goals are put on hold. Single dads sometimes don’t want any more kids but would expect me to look after theirs

I find single dads who target child free women to be very selfish. Single dads lie to women about having kids all the time and it’s annoying.

neon_skelton · 2021-12-05T00:18:03+00:00

I think, also, if you’re someone like me who has spent a lot of their career working with children- you need to watch out for useless fathers who want you to step in and become a live in babysitter right away.

Sisi21cent · 2021-12-04T17:32:06+00:00

No. Bare in mind I’m in my late twenties, never been married and have no kids.

Hostileovaries · 2021-12-04T18:13:18+00:00

Maybe divorced but it obviously depends on the reasons for divorce. But I'm child free so I would have no interest in dating or being with a man who already has children, regardless of his insistence that I wouldn't be their mom or wouldn't have to care for them.

thinktwiceorelse · 2021-12-04T20:12:03+00:00

I'm not sure. I'm 30 and good men around my age are usually already married (because there are so rare). I don't know if I should date younger men, or divorced men, or men who are around my age, but single (it's really suspicious if they're single considering how many pickmes are out there).

Ashamed-Reputation-2 · 2021-12-04T20:35:53+00:00

At 24, definitely no kids. Divorced is iffy. If they are military: maybe, civilian: nope. If I'm still single in my early 30s and still in my current city, I would consider a single dad if it's no more than 1 kid and they have to be at least be 8/9 years old.

Is it weird that I would want to meet the mom first? If I was in her shoes, I would want to meet the gf to make sure she wasn't crazy. I've heard awful stories where the gf gets jealous of the kid and abuses them. Single dads don't vet hard wnough, thats why it was a one an done situation for me. I had this dude that wanted me to get mani-pedis with his 3 y/o. He said this on the 2nd date 🙄🙄🙄 and it turned me off a lot.

Platipus6 · 2021-12-04T22:01:08+00:00

Nope. All divorced men I've met, it was quickly apparent why their wife ejected. Especially when they have 2-3 kids under 18. Women can grit their teeth and bear it "for the kids" but there's something special about a man kicked out before then.

The only decent-seeming one kept going on about his wife whom he'd divorced 10 years ago. He described her various mental health struggles. Which left me confused because he was obsessed with a clearly damaged woman and had kids with her and is still going on about her. Then described the 3 similar women he'd dated since then. And became obsessed with me because I was the first 'normal' woman he'd met on the apps. I didn't trust this fickle fool to protect me if he can't protect himself and gets obsessed left and right.

herbivorouscarnivore · 2021-12-04T18:27:01+00:00

I would consider it. It would add another layer to the vetting process, which is a good thing.

The relationship, or lack thereof, with his ex is a big one. They need to have respectful, appropriate boundaries. They need to be effective co-parents, without crossing that border where they act like they’re still married.

He needs to have proper boundaries, expectations, and consequences with his kids. I know far too many dads who feel guilt about the divorce/not living with their kids the majority of the time, so they let the kids rule everything. Nope. That’s not healthy for anyone involved.

meninadalua · 2021-12-04T19:42:17+00:00

millions_ofpeachs4me · 2021-12-04T21:36:36+00:00

I’m mid-30s.

I would date a divorced man; it’s pretty common after 32-34 to have had marriage or longer term relationship. If they don’t have significant relationship experience like a marriage or at least 1-2 years consistently with the same person at this age, it’s a big red flag for commitment or attachment issues. There are many reasons relationships fail, and sometimes the guy tried to do everything right.

As for kids, I’m not down to be stepmom. Most of the guys with kids I’ve talked to will use them as tokens against their ex or to manipulate their new interest. Sounds cynical, I know, but that’s what I’ve seen.

neon_skelton · 2021-12-05T00:05:38+00:00

I would consider dating someone who is divorced, after a lot of vetting. At this stage, I won’t date men with children. I am childless and want my own children (I have a sperm donor lined up for late next year).

I went on one date with a single dad after breaking up with my ex fiancé. He told he wanted to have more children in the future. I blocked and deleted him after some weird, negging messages. I later saw him post in a FB group that he has had a vasectomy as he was “one and done”. He lied, and would have happily stolen my child bearing years to get me to raise his child. I’m mad I spent just a few hours with him, goodness knows how I would have felt if I had been with him for months or years.

myheartisfulloflove · 2021-12-05T00:10:13+00:00

I'm divorced, so I can date another divorced person just fine. I don't have kids. I want them. But to be honest... dating a single father sounds a bit much for me, especially if the kids are under 18 and the mother is in the picture. Lots of dramatic stories I've heard from the new woman who just wanted to be with him but the kids + ex-wife makes it all so uncomfortable and weird, as well as the man himself who becomes toxic after a while. No thanks.

If he is the love of my life and he has much older kids that moved on with their lives, I could consider it. It really all depends!

ewoksareprettycool · 2021-12-05T01:47:19+00:00

Nope. Even though I have my own kid, I couldn’t date a guy with a kid. The difference is that I’m for certain I can carry my own weight with my son’s alone. I know that as soon as I step into a potential step mom role, I’m taking on the responsibility of caring for and cleaning up after his kid. Step moms do too much and they receive little to no appreciation. It’s just not for me.

electroloop · 2021-12-04T19:54:39+00:00

Divorced yes, kids, no.

There has to be a really good reason for his divorce though. Lots of men marry really young and meet the wrong partner, but that’s obviously not the case for all.

I refuse to raise someone else’s kids, especially since a lot of these single dad types don’t want to have more kids with the woman they’re dating. Plus, the ex will always be in the picture in some capacity. I’m approaching 30 so I’m going to be seeing lots of men like this. Hard pass.

ilovewinniethepooh · 2021-12-04T20:50:01+00:00

Been there, done that. Never again.

Specific-Composer300 · 2021-12-04T21:18:01+00:00

No. I'm not divorced and I don't have children so I want a man who's the same. If I was divorced it had children I'd be open to dating men in the same situation.

bioqueen53 · 2021-12-05T02:06:19+00:00

Nope. No interest in that baggage.

Constant-Wanderer · 2021-12-04T17:36:44+00:00

After the age of 35, this is much less of a choice. If not having kids is important to you, don’t spend decades thinking that you’re going to have a choice later on.

It’s not that they’re not out there, it’s that there are just so fucking few men without kids.

BeatInner · 2022-07-11T21:37:50+00:00

i dated a single dad once and will never do so again. i was willing to embrace his kids, but despite all the compromises you are willing to make and support you are willing to give to help him raise his kids (during our time together i was even guiding him on how to parent his kids better), you will always be dispensable when push comes to shove. you’ll always be the last on the list with no say and they’ll tell you that “i’ve always made it clear that my kids comes first”. it’s so easy to use this as a trump card. why even try to date when you’re not even willing to make compromises? you will never be an equal in the relationship.

not to mention the reasons that led to their divorce. for example

when they ignored all the red flags and rushed into marriage
when they say they had kids because “it’s what people do”, only to now have regrets and say that they would change their minds if they could turn back time
what about the roles they played that led to their divorce?

some still blame their exes instead of taking personal accountability for their choices

bottom line: never date single dads unless they’re the last humans left on earth

preppykat3 · 2021-12-04T20:02:37+00:00

I’m strictly child free, so no. Maybe when I’m older and they aren’t around him.

TieDieEye · 2021-12-04T20:10:37+00:00

No because I'm not in either category or even at that stage of life yet

Nadaleenatasha · 2021-12-04T20:21:43+00:00

I’m 26, and my only exception is if they were widowed.

extraodi · 2021-12-04T21:08:22+00:00

No, I couldn’t.

Feminineprincess · 2021-12-04T21:11:16+00:00

Nope

redpeithos · 2021-12-04T21:14:41+00:00

I'm in my early 20s, so uhhhhhh

I don't know any men my age who are already divorced. Men my age with kids already? Super questionable, I would probably question his responsibility.

Now older men with kids are another problem. These kind of men have pursued me in the past, and they have never failed to disgust me. It's like I am in the same generation as the children, yet I would be potentially adopting the role of girlfriend or wife. Even if the man was really attractive, this kind of relationship would not last long for me.

warinmymind94 · 2021-12-04T21:20:38+00:00

No I in my upper 20s and I don't want kids, and I dont want to be a stepmother to anyone else's kids. I especially am not ready to be dealing with a coparent situation with the mom, a lot of people my age are doing that and the biological mom is hostile to her, creates drama, or pretends to be her friend to bad mouth the dad and cause them to split up.

I think that it would be different if I already had kids myself or if I was older / mentally and emotionally ready and willing to step up as a potential step parent. I know people taut have done it when they are in their 40s and 50s with far more success than people in their 20s.

Heather619 · 2021-12-04T21:48:31+00:00

I'm 35. So divorced, maybe, depending on the circumstances. Kids, absolutely not. I don't have kids and I don't want to raise someone else's kids.

aquietsword · 2021-12-04T21:59:46+00:00

No to kids. Most likely no to the divorce too but I'd think about it depending on the situation. I've never been married and don't have kids so my preference is the same.

Davina33 · 2021-12-04T22:06:40+00:00

A divorced man at my age is less of a red flag than a never married one. I wouldn't date a man with kids though, even if they were adults.

asocialsocialite · 2021-12-04T22:28:59+00:00

Not anymore. I got really attached to my ex's kid and the breakup was made worse because of it.

JadeBaby2211 · 2021-12-04T22:40:43+00:00

Personally, no. I dated a dad with kids who was never married and it was so awful. If I did it again I'd sit the ex gf down and get her perspective on why they broke up because there was a LOT of lying. She was rude to me when I met her so it didn't help things, but I was definitely caught in a toxic mess and its incredible being free from it all. And they are all people who have nice jobs, the kids seem happy and well adjusted and the bullshit was just so frequent that I just could never do it again.

Additionally, my ex mentioned that his exes new man's ex wife "AbUsEd" him but that's not true because his social media posts are of a covert narc.

It was like dealing with 3 adult children and two small children lol.

I snooped in my exes personal stuff and despite always disparaging his ex, he is still obsessed with her and still desires her. It was such a lose-lose situation that I was released from and I am just so beyond thankful everyday that I gained such incredible insight on how people can craft semi-convincing facades.

qualitylamps · 2021-12-05T00:43:25+00:00

When I was a divorced mother approaching 30, I actively searched for men who already had kids. If I was never married/no kids, I wouldn’t ever consider it.

AphoticEnigma_ · 2021-12-05T01:28:18+00:00

No

Because first of all I’d want all the marriage stuff to be both mine and my partners first experiences

Secondly I don’t wish to have kids of my own, so kids are a no for that reason

DivineGoddess1111111 · 2021-12-05T03:49:04+00:00

Yes bur only if the kids were grown up like mine. If I was under 30, I would absolutely not.

Big-Paleontologist13 · 2021-12-05T04:10:29+00:00

absolutely, as a single parent it’s the only way. men without children just don’t understand 🤷🏼‍♀️

2021-12-04T16:37:22+00:00

[permanently deleted]

exhalefierceness · 2021-12-04T23:06:08+00:00

blissandblossom · 2021-12-05T00:36:59+00:00

Nope.

trudith · 2021-12-05T05:51:14+00:00

I am young so no. If I was older and the divorce wasn’t for concerning reasons then maybe.

everwonderlust · 2021-12-05T07:50:38+00:00

ABSOLUTELY NO MEN W KIDS - my ex had a 5 yo boy, with whom I got along really well, but my ex was looking for “help” with his son. His ex situation was super messy as predicted, he went thru a custody battle while I was with him, and he made sure to let me know how crazy he thinks she was, all only his side of the story.

It was nothing but headaches, because when you date someone with young kids, you forcibly become a mother-figure, mentor, babysitter, and the whole family expects you to be “better” than the kid’s mother, all at the expense of your own time, energy, and resources.

My ex used to take advantage of my kindness and would leave his kid with me while he was working on the weekends, he would sleep and have me watch over the kid. It’s like having a kid you never wanted, who will be raised by parents who hate each other, you’ll be in the middle of all this family drama + baggage that has no real solution, your partner will expect you to get along with the kid, but won’t agree with how you discipline the kid, oh and the kid will grow up confused about the family and your role in it, as well as the kid will be bouncing in between two different households with completely different values and routines, and you’ll forever hear from the family about what a “horrible” mother the kid’s mom is.

I absolutely hated everything surrounding this terrible arrangement.

I ain’t raising no bitch’s kids, no matter how cute they are.

There is a massive reason why they are not together and I am not dealing with any drama. The stress and anxiety is not worth it!!

PicoPicoMio · 2021-12-05T09:28:52+00:00

Nope

FURYOFCAPSLOCK · 2021-12-05T15:19:28+00:00

PasDeTout · 2021-12-05T17:58:35+00:00

I think once you start dating men 35+ a divorced man may be a better bet than a never married man of that age. Once a man is unmarried by the time he is around 40 then it may be because he enjoys playing the field, is totally unsuited for marriage or has other issues.

ExistentialJelly · 2021-12-05T18:59:48+00:00

I am in my early thirties and married. If I found myself single again, I would be very unlikely to date again. However, if I did date again, I would not date someone with kids. I have witnessed far too much drama with that dynamic through friends, families, and aquantinces that I would never willing go through it.

Divorced... that would be heavily dependent on the individual situation. I think it would require a different fine tuned vetting stragety just for divorcees.

katiekat0214 · 2021-12-05T20:43:03+00:00

Most of y'all know me: 53, twice married for 25 years, divorced 90s, widowed 2016. Been there done that, and also childfree from single digits. I would have no problem at all dating a divorced man, since I myself am divorced, and know that people divorce for all kinds of reasons. That said, I'd vet ruthlessly as we always should anyway. I'd listen specifically for him taking responsibility for his part in the divorce. I'd listen for blame language toward his ex-wife.

Single fathers, BIG HELL TO THE NO FOREVER. My deep suspicion is nearly all of them want a mommy bangmaid/intelligent pack mule to come in and run their lives and do almost all of the parenting (especially the discipline and recurring domestic labor), so they can then live their lives, go off and do whatever, play video games, and be the "fun" parent. Sounds completely horrible, unrewarding, no fun at all whatsoever.

At my age, the right guy for me would be downright relieved to live apart together, because he'd have his own house, his own job, his own life, hobbies, and interests. If he had kids, he'd really respect my desire not to be a step-parent at all. I'd be super blunt and say the most I'd ever be to your child is a friend if that's what they want. Any man with OLDER kids (and I'm talking 20something out of the house) would have to take the initiative in getting to know me, and if they didn't, fine by me either way. If the child/ren's attitude was, yeah, we don't know Katiekat all that well, but she makes dad really happy. She's kind, and she is always polite to me and my siblings, and she isn't ever nosy, so she's cool -- that works for me.

As a childfree person, another dealbreaker to me would be those same older kids then getting married and having grandkids. My partner then goes over the moon for his new grandchild, and there I am, just not thrilled about any baby ever. I wish them well, don't want to see anything bad happen to them, but they just don't particularly interest me. If that's a dealbreaker for him that I simply won't play the happy pseudo-grandma role, so be it. No real loss there, since I've never playacted much of any socially expected role in my life.

discochicken87 · 2021-12-06T01:04:16+00:00

Maybe in my twilight years and if the children mine/theirs are all adults living their own lives.

BasieSkanks · 2021-12-06T13:58:00+00:00

I would not date someone who has kids, because I am not sure if I want them myself. I also do not want to be in a situation where I have to deal with the baby mama drama. As for divorced, generally no, but I can see myself being more open to it as I get older. It also depends on the reason why he got divorced.

PinkestMango · 2021-12-06T14:06:03+00:00

First yes second no, I do not like children.

quirkypinkllama · 2021-12-07T17:34:18+00:00

Yes, it doesn't bother me. As long as I'm not expected to jump into a mommy role right away. I want to get to know him and go on dates without kids for awhile before bringing the kids into the picture.

Title	Would you date someone divorced/ have kids?
Author	hikurangi2019
Upvotes	258
Comments	152
Date	December 4, 2021 1:24 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/r8plsf/would_you_date_someone_divorced_have_kids/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/would-you-date-someone-divorced-have-kids.1088762 https://theredarchive.com/post/1088762

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