"Just be yourself" is a terrible advice

Mrs_Drgree · 2022-02-14T20:19:32+00:00

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KGmagic52 · 2022-02-15T00:39:46+00:00

Women give this advice because it works...for THEM. Men have to become. Women have to be.

Ryanmp99 · 2022-02-14T20:27:54+00:00

In my experience women are the only ones who give this advice. It’s because they’re privileged with value for simply being a woman, whereas men have to work and improve to not be thought of like a piece of trash. It’s been truth since the beginning of time, and it’s the reason you’ll never hear a man giving this advice. With that said I think your statement about “faking it” is taking it the wrong way. You need to look up ways of developing masculinity and confidence (lifting weights boosts testosterone so start there), get a good career to improve your value, etc. Yes, “be yourself” is terrible advice from naive women who don’t understand men’s issues, but that doesn’t mean fake your personality. Change your personality, make yourself genuinely able to be masculine and confident.

87AudreyHorne · 2022-02-14T20:10:42+00:00

I think literally every advice in a form of a one liner can be nitpicked either to break it apart or to give it depth and defend it.

However, here it's all about how you see relationships. If you see them as some goal you absolutely need to obtain then you get into this thing people here do, which is faking something. If you only care about being with someone who loves you the way you are, and are fine being alone, then you have nothing to worry about.

The reality is that some people are effortlessly pretty likable and some aren't but call me cynical, I don't think the latter are much helped by faking though. Probably better they are who they are though because even if they don't find anyone at least they don't have to desperately try to maintain a relationship where they pretend they're something they're not

Smitten_Squire · 2022-02-14T20:15:45+00:00

"Just be urself" only works if you are somewhat normal.

if ur 350, greasy, anime t shirts, unkempt, lisp, ugly af, "just being urself" will only push you deeper down the hole

Mrs_Drgree · 2022-02-15T00:44:55+00:00

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8WeaponizedAutism8 · 2022-02-14T19:36:49+00:00

For women this type of advice just works out fine.

For men however, It is indeed terrible advice. Why would you self improve if being yourself is already enough?

It brings men into this mindset of passivity. Which you as a man don't have the luxury to be successful with.

MsGoogleEyes · 2022-02-14T19:52:06+00:00

not an original take but “just be yourself” is incomplete advice

you should append “as long as you are willing to accept the consequences good or bad”

BreadfruitGreen7893 · 2022-02-14T23:46:21+00:00

i do wonder if all attractive male behaviour is just hiding emotions tbh

being nervous during an approach pfft, women have made it clear they want confidence.

having feelings that you may fancy this person, pfft women have made it clear they don't want someone clingy

starting to open up about insecurities, pfft women have started to make it clear with the term emotional labour

so if being yourself is good advice it should have a lot of qualifications.

why am i in this sub it just makes me think depressing and stupid things..last post i swear

cautionTomorrow555 · 2022-02-14T19:33:49+00:00

I also noticed how sexually successful men not only look attractive, they have very similar cliched body motoric; often times man spreading or at least rarely crossing their legs when they sit, their hands don't dangle in a feminine manner when they walk, they never allow themselves to giggle with a high pitch...

Women tend to go for the most dominant boisterous loud alpha Chad acting guy in the room even if he is a fucking moron who doesn't know what he is talking about or doing. When you go to parties observing this is almost comical and I have seen similar in the workplace. It is like women never graduated from the caveman mindset of wanting the leader of the tribe not any other member of the tribe and no matter how bad that leader is.

cowfishAreReal · 2022-02-14T19:21:11+00:00

Changing who you are to find a partner can be effective, but it is in most cases not sustainable. If you pretend to like X to get with the person that likes X you either have to do X for the rest of your time with them and be miserable or say you lied and make them mad at you.

Of course that doesn't mean you shouldn't put any effort on yourself, but effort put on yourself shouldn't be focused on attracting people. And if you do put effort on yourself and change you're still being yourself, that doesn't negate the advice

Fearless_Abrocoma_19 · 2022-02-14T20:34:06+00:00

Women kill me when they say if I was forever alone I would be myself and be happy never experiencing a relationship when they have NEVER BEEN FOREVER ALONE. All my friends have partners so we don't hang out as much and I feel out of place when we do. I don't want single people who are happy being single as friends beause we don't match.

Being myself and never getting a chance at a relationship won't make me happy.

rosephase · 2022-02-14T19:29:56+00:00

If you want to find someone who actually likes you it's good advice. If you want to end up with a partner that doesn't like who you are... sure pretend to be someone else for the rest of your life in order to keep a relationship with someone who wouldn't normally like you.

quiturbitchn · 2022-02-14T19:29:23+00:00

No you just attracted a certain type of women with fake persona and then are surprised when they didn’t like the real you

mrcs84usn · 2022-02-14T19:24:18+00:00

Even back when “The Game” came out, the idea was to be the best version of yourself. Trying to fake it will only last for so long because you can’t keep up the facade. “Be yourself” is the same BP mindset as “the right person will come along eventually.” Don’t wait around for things in life to happen. Make shit happen.

Being yourself when you are a socially retarded loser will keep you single.

Fluffy-Height-3460 · 2022-02-14T20:58:05+00:00

This advice be the origin story of a lot red pillers

They fail for year's being themselves and become resentful, they need better practical advice, arguably something in the middle and not on either extreme

fakingandnotmakingit · 2022-02-14T22:55:03+00:00

So it's not about changing yourself completely.

It's improving yourself. Let's face it 99% of the population wouldn't like a person who is obese, unable to talk to people, and who lives with their parents.

If the person is otherwise a good person and that peerson loses weight to go to average/slightly above average weight, improves their social skills and get their own place. Suddenly that person has become 100x more detable. And all that without changing their core personality.

Yo improve by changing/improving the parts of you that are bad. This goes for everyone. I gained a but of weight over lockdown. I lost that weight. That didn't mean changed my actual self. I just had to tweak some habits to get me back down to normal.

My husband used to be an awkward kid who played video games. Now he's a socially competent adult who plays video games.... And does sports... And outdoors stuff. He didn't have to stop doing his hobby. He just had to be socially competent and make himself a more rounded person. But his core personality hasn't changed.

I used to be completely tight fisted with money. I grew up poor and had an obsession with not spending any more than necessary. That's not a great quality for most people. I'm now a lot more adjusted. I still save a lot of money. I also don't stress if I go slightly over budget and I'm okay with more luxuries since I can actually afford it. I didn't have to change my core trait (being fiscally responsible) I just learned to be more reasonable about it.

You can stay you while also improving yourself.

OldStorageUnit · 2022-02-15T03:04:07+00:00

Your mistake is taking “be yourself” literally. No one wants you. You are cringe worthy, your personality is shit. When people tell you to “be yourself” it’s because they feel second hand embarrassment from watching you attempt to be someone else. Don’t be yourself just stop trying so fucking hard to be someone else.

livs4dietdrpepper · 2022-02-15T16:53:33+00:00

What is dark triad? I keep hearing it

Own-Boat-5374 · 2022-02-15T19:53:17+00:00

Women can be themselves because they get chosen, that weird girl who stays inside and plays wow all day won't have trouble finding a guy. Her male counterpart will have trouble attracting her though.

enbaelien · 2022-02-15T21:22:25+00:00

Well, stop dressing like Professor Snape and people won't think that lol

IveGotIssues9918 · 2022-02-21T04:18:16+00:00

I know I'm late to this thread, but I have a similar dilemma as you do, as a woman. For some reason, when people first meet me, I seem very confident and put-together right off the bat. I'm book-smart (which people often mistake for street smarts) and have a large "stage presence", which is only amplified when I dress a certain way (skirts and tights, boots with heels, etc.). In high school and college, I got a lot of attention when I first got there and started meeting people... but then the cracks showed. The weirdness/quirkiness, the self-doubt, the insecurity. And slowly everyone stops respecting me as much, until they eventually disappear.

The issue I take with this is that you, and people in the comments, seem to think that this is a gendered thing. That women can just "be ourselves" and not improve, and men and society will accept us as we are... which is batshit. I had a breakdown 2 years ago and basically stopped trying- no fancy outfits or makeup, no writing essays the day before the due date that somehow get As, no putting myself out there because of all the times that failed long-term. Guess what? My life sucks. I couldn't go out in my current condition and find a partner, or friends, or even a job.

If you take "just be yourself" as "don't try to self-improve at all", no shit, you're gonna have a bad time. Man or woman. We all have to live up to the standards of society.

JacobMugatu666 · 2022-02-14T22:00:00+00:00

And how do you know that the awkward autistic weirdo is the "real you" and not just a product of your own neuroses, limiting beliefs and deep seated insecurities that are just as fake as the hyper social, street smart fake persona you out on?

s00perlame · 2022-02-14T19:23:45+00:00

It sounds like you're in high school. Most people have quirks. Especially when you live with them. Like, I'm gonna leave my boyfriend because he has hemorrhoids? Nah. Everyone has something weird or embarrassing about them. Putting on a mask for people is only causing you to have shallow relationships that will never last because you can't wear a mask forever. You present a fake person, then blame the women when they don't like the real you. These "girls" wouldn't have liked you if you didn't pretend to be someone else initially. If you be yourself, you can actively find someone who actually likes you for who you are. The Disney movie Aladdin isn't real life.

Actuator-Certain · 2022-02-14T20:09:14+00:00

"Just be yourself" is predicated on some bare minimums... it assumes that you have worked on yourself enough that:

You are comfortable in your own skin (i.e. you accept yourself as you are, with or without a relationship)
You do not act or feel entitled to women's attention/affection.
You can be genuine without spilling your guts emotionally to someone you are still getting to know.

mmm_try_again12345 · 2022-02-14T19:44:12+00:00

Bring yourself doesn’t mean just being yourself, it means being yourself and being completely self-assured, not caring one bit what anyone thinks about it.

The fact that you mask some of your ‘quirks’ means at some level you’re insecure about them. Girls can sense that even if they don’t really know what they’re sensing. That’s the problem, not the quirks themselves

The good thing is, you can fake confidence. You can’t fake who you are

Yupperdoodledoo · 2022-02-14T19:33:20+00:00

‘Just be yourself" is what you do when you want to attract people who like you for you. If you faked it you attracted people who liked your fake persona so they left when they realized that’s not who you were.

wtknight · 2022-02-14T19:15:15+00:00

Be the best version of oneself is good advice for finding a long-term relationship, because nobody should want to pretend to be someone else for years. The best version of oneself might not attract a lot of women, but as long as one is confident enough, I think that there are at least some women out there who will appreciate the guy.

On the other hand, be yourself is terrible advice for most men if what they actually want is just casual sex.

Orange_Paisley · 2022-02-14T20:26:58+00:00

How about - "Be yourself, but before you do that, be the best you that you can be?"

Because it's more like that, really.

Away_Championship_49 · 2022-02-14T22:41:18+00:00

"Just be yourself" is a great advice to have a healthy long term relationship though. If you always keep a mask in front of your partner she won't be attracted to "you" but to the "character" you play. By showing your true self, however flawed it may be, you'l repel the women who don't like you and attract the women that like the way you are.

DreamsOfWishes · 2022-02-14T23:10:07+00:00

and I noticed that as long as I faked a hyper-social know-it-all 'street smart' persona girls would stick around, yet the moment my mask slipped and my quirky mannerisms would show their interest started to wane asap.

"I have noticed that when I'm attracting women who like personality type A, that those same women don't like it if it turns out I'm actually personality type B."

Geeee...how suprising.

MediocreSupermarket5 · 2022-02-14T19:46:29+00:00

Look. Are you looking for love or sex?

If you are looking for just sex then "just be yourself" is horrible advice. If you are looking for sex look at social norms for what constitutes an attractive man and go from there so you can cast a wide net.

If you are looking for love "just be yourself" is terrific advice. Guess what? You can only keep up a persona for so long until someone finds out who you really are. If you are looking for someone to spend the rest of your life with then you need them to like you for who you really are. Who you are might not attract a lot of people, But it will attract (most of the time) the right people.

errrright · 2022-02-14T20:19:59+00:00

It’s perfectly fine advice. The only issue is that some people don’t understand how to apply it or they are just unlikable, which doesn’t make it bad advice - just maybe insufficient advice.

Maintaining a fake persona is not only exhausting, but it’s unproductive as you’re less likely to attract people who are compatible with you.

Alternative_Room4999 · 2022-02-14T21:51:39+00:00

Disagree, most of the guys I know who have done very well with women are just attractive, many of them are not masculine/dark triad at all and most have never set foot in a gym.

I think reasonable self improvement is fine. Becoming a roided gym junky just to get a shred of female attention is not reasonable self improvement imo. In comparison if you're a drug addict working on recovering from your addiction is reasonable self improvement.

Personally if I can't attract someone who genuinely is interested in me the way I am at a base reasonable level, I would rather stay alone. Otherwise I think it's a waste of time.

RahLyt · 2022-02-14T19:15:37+00:00

lying to women for sex is also terrible advice and takes away womens ability to consent, which sounds illegal to me.

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ruboyuri · 2022-02-14T19:34:28+00:00

It’s not if you’re lying or overdoing things

TomorrowsWar · 2022-02-14T20:35:39+00:00

If you are acting like yourself and someone likes you, they like you for you.

If you act like an ideal lover, you will attract people who like your act as an ideal lover.

The advice to be yourself is assuming you want someone who will want you for who you actually are, not who you pretend to be. It doesn’t assume there is someone for everyone, it assumes that if you are able to attract someone, they will be attracted to you and not your mask.

If no one likes you as you are, you can accept that and move on with life or change things about yourself. But that change will only work if it authentically becomes part of you, resentment free

ManGoneNoWay · 2022-02-14T21:01:31+00:00

Do you find it enjoyable to fake that persona or do you find it exhausting instead? Does the need to fake a persona in order to attract certain women lead you to resent said women? Because that's what "just be yourself" is all about. What it's trying to convey is that it is more fulfilling in the end to stay true to yourself and find people who actually appreciate that authentic self than it is to perform as someone else. If you think faking it will lead to more sexual success and if that's what you want then that's fine too. But it doesn't mean "just be yourself" is terrible advice.

lye2me · 2022-02-14T21:01:44+00:00

Fake it till you make it right

Apprehensive_Boat_70 · 2022-02-14T21:39:18+00:00

It depends, if being yourself means you are charismatic, socially intelligent, responsible and overall functional, then yes, being yourself is a good advice, but if being yourself means you re a complete mess who spends most of his time filling his room with beer cans and you change your underwear once a month then being yourself is a terrible advice.

With that said, i tried to fake a persona to get a girl to like me once, for example i like heavy metal, but i pretended to like trap because trappers are "trendy" and cool and they re such bad boys and bla bla bla, it didnt gave me good results, and my relationship with that girl was very superficial, but the final nail on the coffin was when I realized that the kind of woman i attracted doing that wasnt the woman of my dreams but rather the woman of my nightmares, so i stopped pretending because it wasnt worth it and guess what? That women started to like me even more and not only her, but i rejected her for the reasons stated, and i felt free, So maybe if you dont like yourself as you are, try to build yourself like you want, but other than that dont put a fake persona of "im such an alpha" or "imma be a bad boy cuz chick dig that" i dont recommend u that unless you just want to attract some ignorant woman that can be easily tricked into bed and if u can take all the potential baggage that might come with her.

Tramelo · 2022-02-14T21:42:49+00:00

I disagree. If you can't be yourself, what the hell can you be? What can work? Wearing a mask? Happy you if you can manage to pretend being someone else, but for me it's unthinkable.

PlayfulLawyer · 2022-02-14T21:52:49+00:00

It is terrible advice if you don't like yourself/ are deeply ashamed of some part of yourself 🤷‍♂️

iamwhoiam101101110 · 2022-02-14T21:53:02+00:00

It's actually incredibly good advice if you capitalize Self and understand Jungian psychology

AlphaSami · 2022-02-14T22:01:36+00:00

I think it's decent advice cause it encourages you to improve yourself and try new things like going to the gym

Classic_Head3437 · 2022-02-14T23:14:00+00:00

People give advice like that because they're sick of hearing you cry and want to change the subject.

nedinator3000 · 2022-02-14T23:45:23+00:00

Almost no one here is making sense. Having game isn’t making your true self. Is presenting your true self in a way that’s favorable to women. Making is lame. Women can and WILL find out if you’re weak. My girl can spot a pussy a mile away.

FlyingKite1234 · 2022-02-14T23:53:56+00:00

Who the fuck else are you gonna be?

-TheManInTheChair · 2022-02-14T23:54:36+00:00

I don't think 'Just be yourself' should be taken literally.

What it should be is 'Be true to who you are aka. don't lie about your hobbies, your job, interests, fears, future in order to seem more attractive. It'll just hurt you after a while even if you do get the girl and it'll hurt her when she realises you aren't the person she thought you were'.

Yeah it sucks, ngl, and that doesn't give you a free pass to be yourself if that means that you're rude, lazy, cruel or other things. But you shouldn't lie to impress a girl. Stretch the truth maybe, but not flat out lie.

DianeticDelight · 2022-02-15T00:00:46+00:00

Yes! Whoever is being told to ”just be themselves” wouldn’t be in a position to ve told it, if it really worked!

On a similar note ”live your truth” is also a brainded ridiculous catchphrase, becuase there are many, many people who absolutely, under no circumstances should live their truths. Terrorists, Molesters, Assholes, Karens just to name a few.

DisturbedBurger · 2022-02-15T00:02:55+00:00

Because you're fucking around with dumb bitches that don't actually want men. They want to love themselves vicariously. And how do you do that? Go for the most "important" male and make sure you're seen with him, and definitely kiss and tell.

For some reason being a psychopath is fashionable and desired among much of the youth, and ya: it dilutes the market for the rest of us who don't play these games. The most important thing for you is that you don't define your self worth by how well you can perform at the circus.

Here's the truth: quality women don't like callous machiavellian characters, they don't care for impressions, they don't care about how much money you make or if you're talented. But they do like intelligence and wits, they do want a guy who is soft and vulnerable most of the time, they want to be listened to and understood and they want a guy with aspiration and REAL IDENTITY that comes from what you've been through and they want you to turn it all inside out.

ShinyBronze · 2022-02-15T00:33:37+00:00

Sounds like something r / dating will say.

Flightlessbirbz · 2022-02-15T00:38:54+00:00

Who doesn’t know “just be yourself” isn’t great advice, really? It’s kind of a joke at this point. What people who say that are really saying, I believe, is “be confident and comfortable in who you are, or at least act that way,” which is very, very different. When people give off the vibe that they are 100% totally comfortable with themselves, even if that’s a bit quirky or dorky, it’s attractive. Self-consciousness tends to make one awkward and not as much fun to be around. But what confident people who say things like this don’t get is that awkward and anxious people cannot merely “relax and be themselves” in situations that make them nervous. It takes a lot of work and time to become more comfortable with oneself.

Now I would say that trying to fake a “cool commanding personality” when that’s not you is ultimately a losing game. Rather, the goal should be to the best version of yourself. That’s what will help you build that confidence. If you take “just be yourself” at face value and do nothing, nothing will change. If you fake a persona, nothing will ultimately change either, you will just keep attracting people who don’t like the real you and disappear when you slip. Becoming more genuinely confident is a long, painful process, and people don’t like to admit that.

Oh, and I’m not sure what “looking like a dark triad type” is. They can look like literally anyone, and being one is not a good thing.

washington_breadstix · 2022-02-15T02:39:32+00:00

"Just be yourself" isn't terrible advice when given to people who have adequate social skills. But the thing is, those people don't need the advice. The types of people who need advice on an issue as basic as "how to act around other people" aren't going to benefit from something as trite as "Just be yourself".

So you end up with this "If you have to ask, you'll never know" situation. And in the end, that may be the point, i.e. the real utility of pieces of advice like "Just be yourself" – is that they are demands for costly signaling.

Elliejq88 · 2022-02-15T03:01:51+00:00

For traits that are not toxic yes. Such as goofy, ambitious, introversion etc. You are more likely to have a partner stick thats a better match for you. If you have toxic traits such as laziness, entitled and mean spirited, improve yourself.

42nanaimobars · 2022-02-15T03:16:08+00:00

“Just be yourself” can be great advice if you’re already great. My grandpa always told me, “Keep doing what you’re doing”.

Neptune-Jr · 2022-02-15T03:40:27+00:00

I think it's great advice. Not for getting with women but good advice for not pretending to be something your not and having to put on that facade Everytime the gf is around. You guys say its terrible advice but the alternative is that you put on a persona forever.

FrostieTheSnowman · 2022-02-15T04:30:30+00:00

I think there is a distinct difference between "faking it" and cultivating the sort of characteristics, interests, and behaviors which tend to attract the opposite sex.

This may not work for everyone since humanity is such a diverse bunch, but generally speaking social interaction is like a muscle. You've got to do it over and over and push your own boundaries before you grow into it. Maybe you won't enjoy it, but oftentimes simply seeing the results of your increased social skills is enough to derive some enjoyment. And once you start enjoying those little interactions you'll have more of them, which makes them seem less daunting, which allows you to genuinely be more confident, which is usually the point where it feels natural to flirt.

The other stuff, the body language? Yeah, it's not a big surprise most women tend to like men that move and act and sit and rest like men.

Outside of that, man idk what to tell you. I have yet to find a woman who can tolerate me for more than a few months so take everything I say with a grain of salt lmao

WHAT_THE_ACTUAL_FVCK · 2022-02-15T04:33:32+00:00

In general “just be yourself” is great fucking game, much easier said than done. That comes with vulnerability, deep self acceptance, general sense of dgaf, walking your own path, having your own stand/opinions/interests etc. All extremely attractive traits

The amount of guys who can “just be himself” in the context of having an attractive woman right in front of him is shockingly low

Women can sense pretense from a mile away. “Pretending to be someone else Game” is laughable at best. She only fucked because of other factors, and your “game” was the part she had to tolerate.

And really attractive women just wants to hang with a normal fuckin dude who doesn’t want something from her all the time. Just by not being a suck up or overcompensating “alpha” running “game” your chances are significantly higher.

So yes “just be yourself” in general imo is highly effective.

LanaTownsend · 2022-02-15T04:34:12+00:00

If just "being yourself" was enough, we'd all be living happily ever after.

poppy_blu · 2022-02-15T04:57:30+00:00

For the vast majority of men here it is

WinchesterSXP · 2022-02-15T05:04:16+00:00

One of the sexes seeks out PUA's

The other doesnt.

I mean its pretty simple when you look at it like that.

KikiYuyu · 2022-02-15T05:11:14+00:00

Depends on what you want. If you want a relationship you can't fake being another person forever. It's not advice to just be yourself, you literally can't be anybody but yourself after a while.

sparung1979 · 2022-02-15T05:49:36+00:00

It depends on how you define yourself.

The problem happens because of the discrepancy between the front and the self. That's a signal that you aren't trustworthy. Think about it from a strangers perspective, you're seeing someone's character, trying to sort them out, and suddenly there's a reveal that the traits you've seen so far aren't the person at all. It would creep you out.

The strategy is to treat yourself as someone of value who's doing the choosing. Be aggressively yourself. Every "no" is someone you're getting out of the way to get to the person who is looking for what you're offering.

If you don't think you're valuable, how is anyone else supposed to? It's your perspective on self, your attitude on yourself that tells you that it's a problem, which is creating a self fulfilling prophecy.

You're showing them with action you dont think you have value so you put on a front. Of course once a person figures that out they're gonna bounce. You know yourself better than they do, they'll take your opinion of yourself at face value.

spinsterchachkies · 2022-02-15T06:22:33+00:00

Ok here’s a better version, “Don’t be a lying piece of shit asshole”.

kinetochore21 · 2022-02-15T06:38:44+00:00

I mean what exactly are your "quirky mannerisms"?

kinetochore21 · 2022-02-15T06:44:24+00:00

You guys truly believe women are not also expected to change a shit ton of stuff about themselves too?! Reading these comments are wild.

neetykeeno · 2022-02-15T07:31:55+00:00

I am forced to conclude that most of the time that advice is given by people who have fairly good control over setting sensible standards for what their self is and will be, to people who are helpless in the face of the whims, habituations and laziness of their selves.

Sorry about the bad advice...we just didn't realise how you are. We assumed you did normal stuff like get out of bed on your day off, limit gaming time, talk to people and have hobbies and interests. I mean it is like being asked how to make coffee and you start explaining then you discover you are talking to someone whose power has been cut off, has twenty cents to their name and isn't wearing any clothes.

nemma88 · 2022-02-15T09:15:43+00:00

I always thought it as 'Don't be someone you are not', because ultimately you can't play pretend forever and will be miserable.

It's important to note the advice is associated more with relationship seeking than STR advice.

Pointfliesoverhead · 2022-02-15T09:41:32+00:00

I am confident that I can say I am attractive, I think my personality draws people to me and looking back on my college years a lot of women were into me, in fact every crush I've had has liked me back, but on the flip side I was raised by women (4 older sisters and a single mother) I never had a father figure, so I never became the sort of guy to push boundaries, chase women etc, especially in my college years I just lived in the moment, partied, took drugs etc, but since I wasn't naturally flirty or asked women out on dates the only action I got was from the occassional drunk rando in a club coming on to me. I understand where the feeling that it's more like wearing a mask than self improvement comes from because I'd have to pretend to be something that I don't see as an improvement on myself to get more women past the initial interest phase. There are specific behaviours you need to display to be with the majority of women, the reality is they filter for that regardless of how into you they are and if you are chilled out, laid back and don't actively pursue, they'll get bored and find someone else. It's not even about confidence/charisma like women want to cope with, it's a specific way to display it and I know men who are scared little boys on the inside that have a lot of casual sex because their mask is on point.

kittenated · 2022-02-15T09:57:14+00:00

A lot of the autism subs I follow say the same thing. "Just be yourself" doesn't work if you're autistic either, but masking and basically pretending to be someone else - someone you're not - really isn't the solution if you're looking for a LTR.

Eventually the mask will slip, so then what will happen? You need to find a partner who will love who you actually are when you're not masking.

Morphon · 2022-02-15T12:03:14+00:00

If you work on yourself, becoming the best version of you... Do you then get to "be yourself"? Or are you still putting on a show for mate selection?

I think it would be better to "be yourself" as you go on that journey of becoming better. If someone isn't interested, that's their problem. You don't need them, or anyone else, to find happiness.

jasamsloven · 2022-02-15T12:35:11+00:00

I mean, if you wanna fuck than faking a persone to get laid is ok i guess, kinda of a dick move tho. But you just admit that people do not like you, and you reject trying to improve yourself, instead you just lie to people so they thing you're interesting.

badgersonice · 2022-02-15T13:59:39+00:00

“Just be yourself” is actually good advice in the specific context of a guy who is normally charming and friendly and likeable and attractive, but is getting nervous or overthinking everything or becoming awkward at the prospect of talking to/asking out/ going on a date with a woman.

In that context, “relax, and just be yourself” means get out of your own head and trust that are likable. Just chill out— she’s probably already interested because you’re cool. Don’t psych yourself up until you start acting like a nervous awkward weirdo and freak her out like that.

It’s advice for a nervous teenager, not advice to do nothing with yourself and just lay around and idly hope some beautiful maiden falls into your lap and loves you because she will look deep into your eyes, read your innermost thoughts and even your very soul, and then fall deeply in love with you because you are truly the mostest specialest chosen one among all men.

sebwiers · 2022-02-15T14:04:39+00:00

How does a dark triad type look? I've never heard any connection to appearance.

Anyhow... yes, social presentation always has elements of performance. Ideally you find one you are comfortable with.

Counter_Proposition · 2022-02-15T15:39:59+00:00

The only time it's good advice is if your self is already attractive...but in that case you don't need advice to begin with, so it's a bit paradoxical, yeah.

manfrom-nantucket · 2022-02-15T18:20:37+00:00

It really depends on what the objective here is. You should seek to self improve and explore facets of who you are and your interests. But none of that can even start unless you have a bedrock of who you are as a person. That can never shift.

Stunning-Potato-1984 · 2022-02-15T22:54:29+00:00

My advice is just be yourself, unless yourself sucks, then go to therapy.

IcarusKiki · 2022-02-16T02:45:30+00:00

Be yourself is good advice for LTRs because eventually you get to the point where faking who you are 24/7 is exhausting. For getting laid its bad advice

JoeRMD77 · 2022-02-16T07:50:04+00:00

Can you please define hyper social? All I can think of is saying "hi" to a lot strangers. Dumb it down for us here in the peanut gallery, man.

Drive-By-Cuckers · 2022-02-16T19:11:35+00:00

Nah being myself works fine it’s too much work to be anyone else. Except sometimes randomly when I’m tripping I introduce myself as Jonny Marmalade, I’m not sure why I started doing this but for some reason I don’t like telling people my real name when I’m really high

TheCupGuySparty · 2022-02-16T21:18:49+00:00

You can only keep up the facade for so long before slipping, unless you’re willing to live the rest of your life playing a role. I for one am not willing to do that. Just like rule 34, someone will connect with you and love you when you’re “just being yourself”.

AdorableDictator · 2022-02-18T12:23:56+00:00

“Just be yourself” actually means “stop acting as if you give a shit if you end up with this person.”

It might not land you the person you want, but if you act like you’re desperate, you definitely won’t land anyone.

flapperfemmefatale · 2022-02-14T19:36:31+00:00

Well no shit they left you. They figured out you were faking. People like you are why the advice is given.

sarkington · 2022-02-14T20:52:25+00:00

Not if you’re not “being yourself”, failing, and complaining about it

lonely_mixtape · 2022-02-14T20:01:12+00:00

Sexually successful men act more masculine?

hmmmm 🤔🤔🤔

H3l3l6758 · 2022-02-14T21:23:25+00:00

Question mate out of curiosity, single mom raised or not?

"Just be yourself" is a terrible advice

Comments

Knew it. Thanks.

Title	"Just be yourself" is a terrible advice
Author	Johnny_Autism
Upvotes	187
Comments	350
Date	February 14, 2022 7:10 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/ssilec/just_be_yourself_is_a_terrible_advice/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/just-be-yourself-is-a-terrible-advice.1102338 https://theredarchive.com/post/1102338