Men often say “agreeableness” is a top trait they desire in a partner more so than women state that. Why is that?

cvslengthbucketlist · 2022-03-08T23:20:56+00:00

Agreeableness is just a word for "pleasant" or "cooperative." The way I would describe it is someone who is selfless in caring for their partner's needs, who doesn't jump to the worst possible interpretation all the time, who doesn't hold small mistakes over their partner like some sort of competition, and who doesn't make everything an argument.

I'm pretty sure that's a trait that both men and women desire though, so it would be weird to characterize it as a negative in one case and a positive in the other.

techr0nin · 2022-03-08T23:53:21+00:00

The term “agreeableness” is generally a reference to the Big Five personality traits. An agreeable person in this context is friendly, trustworthy, altruistic, honest, modest, empathetic, and cooperative.

The Big Five traits exist on a spectrum, and everyone has it in differing degrees. In other words, agreeableness is a trait that promotes social cohesion and peace, but makes you bad at being competitive and aggressive. Based on traditionally assigned gender roles, it is obvious why agreeableness is more valued in women than men.

The real questions are 1) is it nature or nuture and 2) is it still equally valuable in a modern setting. The answer to 1) is probably a mix of both, since men are naturally higher on testosterone, but we certain do condition our youngs differently based on gender. The answer to 2) is highly context dependent, since working well with others is important, but so is the willingness to compete and to fight for what’s yours.

MicrospathodonChrys · 2022-03-09T00:58:25+00:00

I think it’s weird that “agreeableness” is assigned to people as a static trait. I think it’s more a dynamic that exists within a relationship. So one person’s “agreeableness quotient” can vary from one relationship to the next.

My ex used to accuse me of “always needing to disagree with him.” Taken in the context of that relationship, maybe i was highly disagreeable. But the fact is, he was just not very smart. I was expressing sincerely held disagreements when he was verifiably incorrect, or when his ideas were objectively stupid. It really pissed him off, but i was (usually) incapable of rolling over and letting him be right when i had all of the facts on my side. This routinely led to unthinkably bad fights.

My current partner is MUCH more intelligent, and funny enough, I rarely disagree with him! He balances this by consistently asking for and considering my opinions on just about everything. We also have a much stronger shared value system, and typically arrive at the same conclusions about most things. Very occasionally we get into debates, but they are civil because we know how to voice differing opinions without making attacks on the other person.

In summary, it’s easy to be agreeable when you’re with a good match. And being in a relationship where you feel like you need to repress your sincere opinions to keep the peace is unhealthy. All people regardless of gender should probably seek to be with someone they usually agree with.

Rough_Theme_5289 · 2022-03-09T00:31:52+00:00

I guess that is a desirable trait, but I'd also want my girl to bring up any real issues that have come up during our relationship. But, just agreeing with me to avoid an argument is a massive turn off to me, because I know those negative feelings just fester in women if they don't get it out and I don't want to wake up with my dick cut off and shoved in the garbage disposal.

Retrojazzer17 · 2022-03-09T01:35:26+00:00

I dont want to be in a relationship with someone I have to walk on eggshells with, but at the same time I don't want a yes man for a partner, thus she has to be someone that i can talk to and make/discuss decisions with, and also be someone that I know can disagree with me so that we can make better decisions.

Thats what I think agreeableness means to me

WestsideMoonWalker · 2022-03-08T23:41:49+00:00

Because the average PPDer is a drama llama and they usually seem to treat anything that doesn't go their way as a direct referendum on their masculinity and who they are as a man.

TotalTravesty · 2022-03-08T23:05:30+00:00

First-time-on-PPD-and-still-naive-to-our-ways answer: because men don’t want a relationship full of conflict and fighting, same as women.

Knowing-how-PPD-rolls answer: inconveniences such as individuality or their own viewpoints get in the way of the Human Sex Doll dream.

Nihi1986 · 2022-03-09T02:02:07+00:00

Agreeablenesa is a wonderful trait to have in a relationship, it means less arguing, a peaceful relationship (though communication will be very important, the agreeable person should express her needs).

That is, unless you are a man, in which case you'll be seen as weak and boring. Why would you date a nice guy when you can date an asshole?? Jokes aside, women don't like agreeable men but they also wouldn't like the total opposite. Obviously, someone who is dissagreeing all the time won't always do what you want him to do.

A trait which isn't seen much as a problem in women is confidence but women value confidence very highly.

GuitarsBack · 2022-03-09T00:05:48+00:00

The term is only used because Jordan Peterson often brings it up.

It's one of the traits in the big 5 personality test. So it's a technical term.

There's no other reason that men use the term agreeable instead of nice or considerate.

laguaguadecarne · 2022-03-09T00:25:05+00:00

According to the five personality test (the OCEAN test), agreeableness is the area I scored the very lowest (like the super bottom of the low).

This doesn't mean I'm nagging or difficult. It just means I'm highly assertive, I know when to say yes/no, and I know how to pick my battles.

At one point in time in my relationship, I tried the whole submissive route... and it did not work. My husband, who's just as assertive as me, did not like that was all: "I don't like this submissive, passive you. I met you as a type A woman: this submissive you is so fake. You are not calling me out when I do something wrong. This is entirely not your real self."

LowCreddit · 2022-03-09T02:35:08+00:00

Agreeableness is when she bottles up all her discontent until she explodes and tells you your dad fucks better.

flapperfemmefatale · 2022-03-09T00:24:17+00:00

It's just a more PC way of saying "submissive" or "subservient."

Dealunbreaker · 2022-03-08T23:54:04+00:00

They actually mean submissive. But that's a red flag, so they changed the language.

SeaSquirrel · 2022-03-09T01:51:16+00:00

All the men here saying they don’t want to argue at all with their partner so they need someone “agreeable”… agreeable does not mean good communicator, you just want a doormat.

If you spend a lot of time on a debate sub, you probably enjoy arguing. I enjoy arguing, and I like that my partner can think on her own and challenge me. Good communicators actually make better arguers.

Flightlessbirbz · 2022-03-09T01:14:35+00:00

Because “agreeable” is usually code for “submissive” in this context. Nobody normally wants a partner who is disagreeable, contrary, always starting fights. That’s a given so nobody needs to say it. But what these guys mean is “we won’t fight because she’ll always go along with what I want.”

sarkington · 2022-03-08T23:27:05+00:00

“I don’t want to argue, submit, defer, compromise or compete in my relationship”

poppy_blu · 2022-03-09T00:05:33+00:00

I file this under watch what they do not what they say.

Form what I’ve seen men get bored with agreeable women. Also agreeable women are prime targets for abusive men.

I’ve a guy ever said “agreeableness” was a preference of his, I’d next.

goatismycopilot · 2022-03-09T00:36:15+00:00

Agreeable is easy. And men want the delusion they can control and conquer even if they are office Bob in accounting.

I would think being with an agreeable woman in relationship terms is easy for them in day to day terms. They also want agreeable in hook ups.

pm_me_hairy_nudes · 2022-03-09T00:49:49+00:00

It's a red flag, it means the guy has likely seen some red pill shit and won't respect opinions from women

Toxic men specify "agreeable" to signal that they find lots of women bitchy and disagreeable. This way, women who they date will second guess themselves, try not to be "one of the bad ones" and not stand their ground to avoid being a sexist "bitchy woman" stereotype. And the guy can walk over her boundaries and be lazy and avoid doing housework for a bit longer before she gets tired of being miserable, regains self respect and dumps his ass

wtknight · 2022-03-09T00:05:10+00:00

It's because many men want to be dominant and a woman who is not agreeable is a threat to a man feeling that he is dominant.

edgyny · 2022-03-09T02:00:51+00:00

"Agreeable" means "capable of being satisfied" i.e. not constantly dissatisfied and complaining that nothing is good enough.

Probably a dated reference but Hyacinth in Keeping Up Appearances is an example of a woman who is NOT agreeable.

BlackPorcelainDoll · 2022-03-08T23:41:41+00:00

I don't think this is a common trait men say, I've only ever heard broke low-valuables saying this, typically men from hostile environments where the women are often just as hostile as he is. I've never heard the average to upper class man say, "I want agreeableness" in a woman. I've heard upper class women saying they want cooperative men, because hostile men are often broke with negative attitudes.

Master-Edward-3 · 2022-03-08T23:16:41+00:00

I’m sure it’s an attractive trait for men. Much like leadership/assertiveness is attractive for women. Often times what would make men attractive is the opposite that would make a woman attractive. If women like strong 💪🏾 chiseled men then men might like weaker vivacious curvy women that appear thicker than toned. Some women like hair chest hair facial hair etc. so many men might adore clean shaven 🪒 women. Of course height is a thing so tall for women and shorter for men and etc..

Not a whole bunch of men desire disagreeableness in a partner yet that is a dime a dozen women these days. If a woman always disagrees with a man for no reason nearly daily then those two won’t be compatible in most scenarios and frustrating debates or arguments likely ensue. If men want these traits in women then it’ll have to be sought out.

I would wager for the vast majority of men a agreeable woman versus an opinionated woman would be more attractive in character to the man almost any day of the year. Also notice how plenty women are in fact agreeable to men they like and are going through the honeymoon phase of an relationship then it changes 180 degrees after the honeymoon has expired then it’s the opposite where everything is more likely going to be about a debate in the not too distant future. Not to mention some women even “test” men by trying to be difficult or disagreeable on purpose..

notinmywheelhouse · 2022-03-09T05:29:32+00:00

Agreeableness, malleable, naive, kinda dumb…

babebambi · 2022-03-09T00:48:31+00:00

Agreeable men tends to command less resources.
Women want resourceful men first and foremost.

random_ner · 2022-03-09T03:02:40+00:00

I think a better word is cooperative and accountable. People both make mistakes in a relationship but if your not willing to recognize their mistakes it makes the relationship unbearable after a while. Both males and females need these traits. I think men are more likely to have these traits because no one is scared to tell us when we have bad opinions or do bad things. Men are also repremanded more for it.

bizk55 · 2022-03-09T05:10:10+00:00

I think agreeableness is a trait women tend to score higher on than men, so in a way, it might highlight their femininity in contrast with men

WYenginerdWY · 2022-03-09T07:13:16+00:00

Why is “agreeableness” something men often say they desire in a partner?

Well, if I'm going by personal experience, it's so they can treat them like shit and get away with it.

If I'm going by the women I've seen who are kind and sweet.....

....it's so they can treat them like shit and get away with it.

I hate being around bitchy women because they wind up chewing me up and spitting me out, but it is 100% clear to me that they have better, more fulfilling lives than the sweet ones because people don't fuck with them.

gerrta_hard · 2022-03-09T08:59:32+00:00

it's a nicer way of saying "submissive, obedient".

Johnfeb94 · 2022-03-09T09:29:33+00:00

In psychology agreeableness is one of the big 5 personality traits and it is on a spectrum. It means that you are more likely to say yes to more things/proposals and agree with other people and to try to see their points of view. It generally also makes you more likable by others.

Disagreeable people are more likely to disagree with more things, argue, and say no to more proposals. It generally makes you more unlikable.

Anyone would prefer to deal with a more agreeable person over a disagreeable person. Being assertive/dominant and agreeable/disagreeable are not mutually exclusive but are correlated.

dumsaint · 2022-03-09T10:55:50+00:00

Metta or loving-kindness is what I seek. Agreeableness always sounded like they were a pushover. I'm sure that's not always the case but I never liked it. And if men wish this on their partners maybe they just want a pet.

AggroWeasel · 2022-03-09T14:29:54+00:00

Because so many people are obstreperous assholes.

It’s not a positive thing to be difficult, confrontational, and brash.

Glittering_Ad_1415 · 2022-03-09T15:49:59+00:00

Wanting a submissive woman who never questions you is fine as long as, as a man, everything you do is never wrong (you will be wrong and if you don’t think so, you’re a narcissist). Seriously, like I hope y’all never have any bad habits, or any faults.

SkookumTree · 2022-03-09T22:38:12+00:00

I guess men want to be in control or something? Some men like pleasant, cooperative women.

DeliciousPussyNectar · 2022-03-08T23:43:29+00:00

They don’t want some annoying chick arguing about everything constantly.

PlayfulLawyer · 2022-03-08T23:49:35+00:00

Probably because too many guys get into relationships with chicks who want to do nothing but be combative and argumentative

SuspiciousRule · 2022-03-08T23:03:48+00:00

Because agreeable was assigned as a femmine trait. The men who want the stereotypical women want women with this trait. So they say agreeable instead someone they get along with or nice. Red pill obess over the mascline and feminism aspects of people personalities.

Aromatic_Shop9033 · 2022-03-08T23:47:19+00:00

Men don't like being bitched at or nagged.

We want some peace.

Matt_Door · 2022-03-08T23:39:35+00:00

My personal stance is that there is enough antagonism and bullshit in the world I have to face everyday, if I am going to be in a relationship with someone that last thing I want is to get that shit when I come home. I don’t want to be challenged or held accountable or any other dramatic bullshit a lot of women seem to want in men, I definitely don’t want a second “boss” when I come home from work. What I want is a cooperative partner that helps face the shit the world slings our way and that points to agreeableness.

rivetcitymayor · 2022-03-08T23:23:13+00:00

It signals cooperation . As Kodak black said : “I just want a girl who gon cooperate “ and every man wants that

NockerJoe · 2022-03-08T23:55:16+00:00

In my experience a lot of women consider drama to be a part of the relationship in the way men don't. Not in a sense that they necessarily want to fight or that theres a specific issue, but more in a sense that there being some tension and emotion is a part of the ideal relationship. I have no actual data to back this up but its a thing you see fairly consistently.

This is also why most relationship memes I see in the broader internet usually involve a woman thinking a man is cheating if he isn't(and the punchline being he's doing something stupid instead), or accusing a man of something nonsensical. It speaks to a general cultural consensus that in general, women are more jealous than men or will find something to argue about in a way men won't. I won't say if its true or not but this is clearly a thing thats out there.

Most men, in my experience, don't actually want to fight and aren't chasing an emotional high or making accusations. Sure, I've seen some of this once or twice but the general consensus is that most men want to just chill out at home and have no extra drama in their lives.

cowfishAreReal · 2022-03-08T22:58:15+00:00

Because most of that is just sexist men wanting a woman who will do his bidding. Especially in religious and conservative circles men often say they want submissive women, agreeableness is just a way to say submission that sounds more "politically correct"

Aldabruzzo · 2022-03-08T23:03:05+00:00

Why is “agreeableness” something men often say they desire in a partner?

It means "cooperative" and is also a euphemism for "submissive". We can't say "submissive" because that word immediately gets deliberately misrepresented and lied about as "doormat".

Comparatively, this term isn’t something I hear or see women list as a desired trait in a partner.

Because "agreeableness" in men means "spineless simp pussyboy who can't or won't stand up for himself." Men are not supposed to be agreeable. We're supposed to be independent trailblazers who do our own thing and who aren't afraid to express sincerely held disagreements.

She’ll say she wants a “nice” man.

Meaning she wants a man who is nice to her, sometimes, when it suits her, and who treats everyone else like shit.

But “agreeableness” connotes something specific.

Yes, I told you. It connotes the ability to compromise, to cooperate, and to submit.

Women do not want men who compromise, cooperate with women, and submit. Women want men who stand up for themselves, who do not compromise or cooperate with women, and who do not submit to anyone, including to other men. They want men of "uncompromising" integrity. They want men who do for themselves. And they want dominant men.

What do you think that something specific is or signals?

See above.

Why is it something we tend to often hear men desire in a partner?

Because we can't say "submit" without everyone around us losing their shit and reporting us to police for "abuse".

Because women are taught and trained now to oppose men at every turn. Women are trained and taught now to be deliberately adversarial and to fight their men for dominance. Women are trained and taught now never to trust a man, never to accept anything from him, and never to concede anything to him.

It's because most women are not agreeable now.

CatchPhraze · 2022-03-09T00:28:22+00:00

they want woman who are more likely to give up and clean up their mess then try and teach the men or nag them to do it themselves. Then they just let it go instead of bitching about doing it.

Agreeable, is literally just that, they want to set the terms regardless of what's decent or equal and want a woman who doesn't challenge that.

Rough_Theme_5289 · 2022-03-08T23:09:55+00:00

Because women who give too much pushback are a headache . Some of it is valid and some of it is controlling bullshit . Take it case by case . The more common word I’ve heard is “cooperative” .

C_Sec_Matt · 2022-03-08T23:12:24+00:00

Agreeable women are easier to be around.

Think about it, do you want to come home to somebody that wants to fight you on bullshit? Chances are that is a heavy 'No.'

For some reason women tend to take agreeableness and submissive as 'cant have a voice and must do everything on command.'

kommstdumitihr · 2022-03-08T23:04:54+00:00

Infantilization.

Davegvg · 2022-03-09T04:28:56+00:00

Men desire this trait because most of their working life is filled with combat, tension, and strife. At the end of the they do not want that to continue at home.

ditenado · 2022-03-08T23:55:20+00:00

A man's life is rife with conflict.

The last thing he wants is to come home to more of it.

Stunning-Potato-1984 · 2022-03-08T23:34:29+00:00

Because submissive now has a negative connotation.

WarezMyDinrBitc · 2022-03-09T00:24:23+00:00

Because too many women nowadays just want to argue and challenge you on everything, even when it's completely unnecessary and counter productive for your progress as a couple. Some women just love to play Devil's advocate or argue just for the sake of it. They like a power struggle dynamic.

Barely-moral · 2022-03-09T00:49:28+00:00

Why is that?

Because when I am done with my job and all the shit that the world throws at me I want to come home and rest.

What do you think that something specific is or signals?

What follows is what I mean by agreeableness

Engage with me in an honest and positive manner:

-No covert contracts.

-Don't put words in my mouth. If I didn't say it, then I didn't mean it.

-Don't put toughts in my head. If my motives are not clear, ask, don't assume.

-Show affection in a way that is actually recieved (see 5 love languages)

-Give the benefit of the doubt. Don't assume malice where it could be error. Don't assume a negative long term pattern of behavior when it could be a fluke or isolated incident.

-When things go south either help or shut up and get out of the way while I solve the shit in question. If you don't know how to help then just say "I know you got this" and GTFO

In a healthy relationship your partner does not provide you with everything you need. There are some social needs that I can only get through other friends or activities that don't involve my partner.

-Don't get in the way of that.

Also.

-Forgive. Honestly.

SteveSan82 · 2022-03-09T03:52:42+00:00

Believe what women do, not what they say. Women who say they want a nice guy are the same women writing letters to serial killers on death row.

Men just want a woman who doesn’t try to act like a man and isn’t toxic.

theogfrankcastle · 2022-03-08T23:37:01+00:00

Damn a lot of demonization of the word “agreeableness”. Would describing it as “kind and selfless” be nicer to read? It’s kinda like the the word “submissive” where a better response is garnered from a word like “cooperative”. But honestly, I can see where y’all are coming from.

Anyways OP, I think it just comes from a lot of men preferring women who are kind and selfless like I mentioned above. I think “agreeable” can be an overstated word cuz I don’t think men necessarily want a woman with absolutely 0 thoughts that only knows the word “yes”. At least personally, I love having discussions with my partner and there’s nothing wrong with having differing opinions.

januaryphilosopher · 2022-03-08T23:46:48+00:00

Men are used to women doing what they want and expect it. Unsurprisingly, they want a partner who does that. Meanwhile, women are taught to cooperate and put others' needs before their own.

The_Frag_Man · 2022-03-09T00:09:35+00:00

This is because many women are unpleasant to deal with

Moneydamjan · 2022-03-09T00:41:25+00:00

because women date up, and if she's not compliant and cooperative with you, then she doesn't consider you better than her.

Hot_Role9647 · 2022-03-09T05:03:37+00:00

Women want a leader not a pushover, men want a follower so they can be a leader effectively, if the woman is combative, or in other words not agreeable, that creates tension in the relationship to the point that a man with high confidence will pass her over for another girl and one with low confidence will stay and try to appease her ultimately pushing her away because submissive men are gross

KGmagic52 · 2022-03-09T00:00:42+00:00

Agreeableness is a trait in a woman who would rather be happy than right all the time.

Neptune-Jr · 2022-03-09T00:07:06+00:00

It just means I don't want a women who challenges me on every little thing because thats just a headache not a relationship. There is no sinister bit here. agreeable just means she's not going to moan and complain about everything I say and do and try to start a fight over every little thing.

social_mule · 2022-03-09T01:20:45+00:00

Not being a fucking nag.

lentilpasta · 2022-03-09T02:17:58+00:00

There was a post on AskWomen like last week about the most attractive trait in a man, and the top comment was literally along the lines of “someone chill who does not get angry easily.” I think women value agreeableness too.

rn7889 · 2022-03-09T03:23:13+00:00

To me, agreeableness equals trust. It also makes my life easier. Here’s why. Let’s use a home renovation for example. If I tell her that it’s going to take me longer to do (x) because of (y), I need her to trust me and just agree. Because quite honestly I don’t have the energy to explain why it’s going to take longer nor does she care. If she’s agreeable, she trusts me to make the best decision in our best interest.

revente · 2022-03-09T07:11:43+00:00

Why is “agreeableness” something men often say they desire in a partner?

Too many women act like nasty nagging bitches.

Comparatively, this term isn’t something I hear or see women list as a desired trait in a partner.

Not many men act like that.

Obvious-Rise9199 · 2022-03-09T07:28:43+00:00

And it is probably why more woman die alone than men. in MOST CASES, men can date woman their own age or younger to find an agreeable woman, many men do not settle for the older woman.

Counter_Proposition · 2022-03-09T16:03:24+00:00

Because modern feminism has made women needlessly combative, competitive, and even vindictive towards men. And, surprise surprise, men hate it and find it repulsive.

fwoketrash · 2022-03-09T00:02:13+00:00

Men deal with enough fighting and competition in their lives and they don't want a wife or girlfriend that also constantly tries to fight with them.

gizzmotech · 2022-03-09T04:19:03+00:00

Insecure men want a woman who is passive and lets them do whatever with zero pushback. That's agreeableness.

SpiritualEnema · 2022-03-09T00:33:33+00:00

Women tend to be, on average, more prone to negative emotions such as neuroticism. Most men want the 3 F’s when it comes to women: Fit, Feminine and Friendly. It is much easier to get along with somebody who is more agreeable, and agreeableness has traditionally been associated with femininity. Only in the last 20 years or so has 4th wave feminism taught women to behave more like men. Men find that to generally be unattractive. Sexual attraction tends to be strongest between masculine men and feminine women, on average.

Lateralanouncer · 2022-03-09T07:37:06+00:00

Some women are in non-stop disagreement with men. These women are toxic to HVM, and you should stay away. Read comments made by men and the female responses. Most are shame insults, guilt diversion, and a need to be right.

Willow-girl · 2022-03-09T11:55:15+00:00

The world is a battleground for men. They want their home to be a refuge, not another battleground.

AutoModerator · 2022-03-08T22:55:07+00:00

Attention!

You can post off topic/jokes/puns as a comment to this Automoderator message.
For "CMV" and "Question for X" Threads: Parent comments that aren't from the target group will be removed, along with their child replies.
If you want to agree with OP instead of challenging their view or if the question is not targeted at you, post it as an answer to this comment.
OP you can choose your own flair according to these guidelines., just press Flair under your post!

Thanks for your cooperation and enjoy the discussion!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

TheRedPillRipper · 2022-03-08T23:41:28+00:00

”agreeableness” connotes something specific

Specific in context. Take your example of a “nice” man. Think any woman wants a disagreeable man? Or prefers a man who voices his disagreement; agreeably?

That’s a desirable trait. Regardless of sex.

Godspeed and good luck!

Men often say “agreeableness” is a top trait they desire in a partner more so than women state that. Why is that?

Comments

hypergamy

True

THEY DO!!!!!

Title	Men often say “agreeableness” is a top trait they desire in a partner more so than women state that. Why is that?
Author	GridReXX
Upvotes	162
Comments	491
Date	March 8, 2022 10:55 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/t9t7ng/men_often_say_agreeableness_is_a_top_trait_they/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/men-often-say-agreeableness-is-a-top-trait-they.1106055 https://theredarchive.com/post/1106055