Do women really want a man who opens up in a relationship?

Maffioze · 2023-02-22T09:25:34+00:00

In my experience most women suck at handling male vulnerability. It's not just that they are more likely to leave you it's also that they are generally incompetent in caring about your emotions without making your emotions revolve around themselves. It feels extremely unpleasant when your emotions are reduced to something that is meant to make her feel good.

My girlfriend does a better job at this which is why she is my girlfriend.

TigerRude4 · 2023-02-22T09:09:55+00:00

I think it's interesting how when women post about their relationship problems, the usual response is that their situation sucks and their partner is pos. When a man posts about it, they're asked many questions to determine whether he's pos and only then we can entertain the possibility of woman not being a good partner. You can see it here as well. It's "Women are wonderful" in action. The first thing women assume is that men are trauma dumping, whereas other people will be the last to suspect the same if woman is a poster and we know women vent and dump trauma much more.

Unnecessary_Timeline · 2023-02-22T05:33:11+00:00

Literally just read this thread

https://reddit.com/r/AskMen/comments/yy2rcv/men_who_encourage_other_men_not_to_open_up_to/

Read it.

Every single man has had an experience of women demanding that he show more vulnerability towards her and been stabbed in the ass for filling that request.

Every. Single. Man

I’m fucking gay, I have never been in a romantic relationship with a woman, and I have still been subject to female friends or family or teachers demanding that I be more emotionally exposed, and I get ostracized for that vulnerability when I meet their demands. And I reiterate, women persistently demand male emotional vulnerability even outside of romantic relationships. I’m gay, I only pursue men romantically, yet the demand that I expose my trauma to women who are close friends or family still is a persistent influence and demand from women in my social life.

At this point it feels predatory.

Their demands feel extremely disingenuous. It feels like they don’t care about your actual emotions or your trauma or your feelings, they’re just trying to make you give them social ammo that they can use to manipulate you later.

Their demands upon me as a gay man are already fucking terrifying, I can’t imagine the anxiety ridden cost/benefit analysis any straight men pursuing relationships with these women experience.

MeanCry5785 · 2023-02-22T01:59:28+00:00

In my experience women don't want or can handle the emotions when they aren't positive. My mother couldn't and several ppl, so when my mother died and my best friend died the sane week I tried to open up but I was told to stop talking about it and told to leave.

FightMeCthullu · 2023-02-22T03:53:28+00:00

I’ve had emotionally closed off partners, my fiancée was quite emotionally closed off when our relationship started. I hated it.

I feel so privileged and honoured when he opens up to me, especially with his history. I get so much joy in helping him.

He’s not a typically masculine guy at all, btw. Not stereotypically I guess. But I love that he’s so comfortable being himself with me, I don’t see him as lesser at all. I actually find him very brave for opening up.

I think the trick with ‘opening up’ to a partner is like….timing. I’ve gone on dates where the second time I meet a guy they end up feeling so comfortable that they suddenly unleash an absolute torrent of pent up emotions that I am not prepared for. Like, I barely know a guy and suddenly he’s telling me all about really really FUCKED UP shit and I’m expected to carry that and it feels quite….difficult. Like, I’m glad on one hand they got it off their chest, but after a total of 2 weeks texting suddenly I’m expected to handle all of this stuff and it’s a lot to ask of someone you barely know, especially if they didn’t offer to be that support yet. If I had, on second or third dates, suddenly told this prospective partner IN DETAIL about my sexual assault and how it fucked me up, that would be seen as a little premature. But if I told them after a couple months that would seem more suitable.

I think men are in a bad place with opening up because some of them get so excited to feel comfortable they do it they do it ALL AT ONCE and VERY EARLY and when the person they open up to doesn’t react well they feel burned and get more closed off.

Many women I know aren’t put off by emotions. Moreso by people trauma dumping in inappropriate situations far too early when we aren’t equipped to handle that and didn’t ask for it.

Cuthbert-Binns · 2023-02-22T02:06:34+00:00

Ive only ever been in one relationship but it was with a feminist type who encouraged me to open up. Eventually that caused her to lose attraction

Dont listen to women who say its okay to open up. They all mean it, until you actually do. Then they leave you and soon after are dating a taller dude who probably doesnt open up.

Just like anything with women, there is an exception for chad. Chad can open up and it wont matter because of his genetics.

whateverthrowaway202 · 2023-02-22T01:15:00+00:00

I can only talk about my experience. But, I’ve been in multiple relationships throughout my life and have opened up in all of them emotionally. And even after doing that there was literally no change in any of the relationships. It really depends on the person you’re with

Grapestheanswer · 2023-02-22T03:42:52+00:00

Performatively to a manageable extent every once in a while

PlantingDays · 2023-02-22T06:41:16+00:00

As long as your definitions of ‘open up’ match, I’d say sure!

xKalisto · 2023-02-22T13:51:41+00:00

I've been with my SO for 15 years. Last week he burned out from overworking and stress. His brain straight up shut down, couldn't do anything with all the brain fog. We troubleshooted his feelings, health troubles, work life balance.

I'm here to support him in whatever he needs, he's doing the same. No decrease in attraction.

The threads on reddit suffer from self selection bias. Happy people that communicate with their partners properly won't respond to complain as often.

Even-Equivalent · 2023-02-22T13:48:44+00:00

Never do it. Most women are not equipped to 1 handle any of thier mans emotional problems and 2 it will destroy her perception of you as 90% of women only look to thier man for what he can provide

Even-Equivalent · 2023-02-22T13:49:09+00:00

Never do it. Most women are not equipped to 1 handle any of thier mans emotional problems and 2 it will destroy her perception of you as 90% of women only look to thier man for what he can provide

Soloandthewookiee · 2023-02-22T14:17:21+00:00

Yes. Every person, regardless of gender, should want someone who is emotionally open.

Green-Quantity1032 · 2023-02-22T16:36:31+00:00

It's a game of words.

When people open up they think it's their turn to say how much of a pathetic needy pile of dump they are a la "I always have this deep fear of you leaving - I'll never find someone better than you".

But opening up can simply be saying "I don't think you'll ever understand how much I love you" - a sentence which, said in the right timing/context - can melt a woman's heart.

So it depends on what you mean when you say "opening up".

Showing vulnerability out of strength - tends to be good.

Showing vulnerability out of weakness - tends to be bad.

It only 'tends' to be rather than 'is', because it is largely dependent on the woman's ability to perceive said strength/weakness.

The saying 'you lose love when you need it most' tends to be right - people mistake their neediness for 'opening up' .

Sidenote:

When I was 22 I was guilty of thinking me getting closer to my partner made her want to leave.

It's natural to make that mistake as it's post-hoc ergo propter-hoc.

It's still a mistake - she wanted to leave because I was being needy and she was 20 and wanted to have fun.

Diabolical1234 · 2023-02-22T17:10:00+00:00

Yes 100% be honest and open

Loose-Bet-3787 · 2023-02-22T01:36:26+00:00

For me, it’s necessary. I am not interested in having a partner in life with whom I have a superficial emotional connection.

_revelationary · 2023-02-22T01:34:02+00:00

Opening up and being emotionally vulnerable is NOT the same as mental illness.

Emotions are normal reactions. We all experience them, we all NEED them. We wouldn’t be alive as a species without them. The problems arise when we don’t fully understand, process, and regulate our emotions. Opening up/having adequate support for difficult emotions is important for that.

As for your question…it probably depends on the woman. I wouldn’t be with a guy who couldn’t open up or talk about his feelings, personally.

RocinanteCoffee · 2023-02-22T01:25:44+00:00

It depends by what they mean by opening up.

When you get really close, like for example in a long-term intimate romantic relationship, it's normal to confide in each other, support each other in hard times, hold each other if the person cries.

It's not normal or healthy to rely on a romantic partner for your personal growth, or mental health, or instead of therapy if therapy is needed.

It's healthy to be emotionally open.

That being said it's not okay to scream at someone past the age of maybe twelve (really depends).

It's not okay to threaten to harm yourself if someone breaks up with you.

It's not okay to throw a controller at the wall if you lose a game.

It's not okay to throw a vase at someone's head because you're upset about losing a job.

And there is a HUGE spectrum in between.

And sometimes someone can have a screaming match and the relationship can still be salvageable... it depends entirely on the severity, if the words can be unsaid, and the individuals involved.

For instance, if someone lost a friend and slammed their mattress into a wall and screamed that no they didn't want to fucking go to the movies with me, it would be different than someone calling me a stupid bitch for forgetting to be quiet in the morning while they sleep in from a tough job.

Revolutionary-Swim24 · 2023-02-22T01:41:54+00:00

Women need emotional stability from men. This is a need. It's as much of a need as financial stability. High quality women will... tolerate you when you aren't at your best if it's a legitimate reason because they ultimately believe in you, in the same sense that high quality women will tolerate you not making money for a period of time. That doesn't mean they like it. Women need a man who they can look up to and can assume to always think rationally and not succumb to their emotions who they can lean on always. If you can open up without losing control over yourself (ie crying uncontrollably, or tantrumming, or getting very angry, etc) then that's fine. But women who say they want to see you cry are usually lying. At least in my experience.

WilliamWyattD · 2023-02-22T02:07:25+00:00

There is no nuance on this issue.

In a nutshell, women want emotionally available men who adhere to certain male rules of the road. Just like men want emotionally available women who adhere to certain female gender norms, though the female norms are probably more flexible.

There are two golden rules. The first one is to always seem capable and never truly overwhelmed. You can be crying, but she has to believe that if an emergency struck, you could put your emotions away immediately and be as competent as ever. Your emotions are never in control. You are depressed, but it isn't seriously impacting your performance beyond the superficial and temporary.

The second rule is the manliness points rule. The more manly points you gain by being strongly masculine most of the time, the more you can occasionally spend those points in moments of weakness, though if those moments of weakness violate rule No. 1, you will be spending a fuck load of points. But you have to keep solidly in the black on your manliness points at all times.

Here's the thing, adhering to the above is in line with typical male nature. Most men should aspire to it. Society should try to enforce it, and support men in being strong enough to follow these rules. There are manly ways to address male mental health that don't involve therapy and being feminine. So the male burden here is a burden, but also one most men should welcome.

(Some men will just be different. Society should pressure and support most men into becoming typically masculine, but then eventually give some men a pass because they are not built that way. However, those male exceptions have to recognize this comes with a cost. They will not be as attractive to most women, or even attractive at all. Good men will find a way to relate to them respectfully, but it will be different than the way manly men respect manly men. That is just how it is.)

just_a_place · 2023-02-22T07:51:45+00:00

NO! I have terminated more relationships by "opening up" when I should have just kept her in the dark. Assert your damned boundaries! She does NOT need to know every little god damned thing about you!

You, and only you, decide what she needs to know and when she needs to know it; because your business is not hers.

Never allow a woman to get inside your head.

So don't do it! It's a classic shit test. You open up, you fail. She will feel more repulsed by the fact that she got you to spill your guts than by anything you could have possibly said. I know this because some women still stay loyal to men even after these guys tell them they have done crimes or worse shit. It's the fact that these guys do not open up about everything which is why their girls still respect them, and even keep their secrets. It's a dominance game. She is shit testing you to see how easy you are to crack.

You will be amazed at how much "mental health" BS is just a massive con to get you to open up about shit that can latter be used to manipulate you. We live in an age where personal data is sold at a premium, it is NOT a coincidence that suddenly "mental health" is a trendy and marketable shtick to fool the emotionally naive into spilling their guts about their most intimate shit.

Capitalism has just caught up with what women have always known: Personal information about one's self is valuable and profitable in that it's conducive towards getting you to buy, act, vote, believe, and decide the way that any powers that be (your gf or the State) want you to act.

EulenWatcher · 2023-02-22T02:15:33+00:00

There’s no a simple answer. And I’ll start with pointing out that being able to be vulnerable has nothing to do with mental illness. Vulnerability is an inherent and important part of us, being able to healthily navigate it is a sign of good mental health.

What a lot of people miss here is the balance. Healthy attitude to vulnerability doesn’t mean that you cry all the time or that you have to pour everything unfiltered on your partner or friends. It also doesn’t mean that you should keep everything in or never share your worries with your close ones. Ideally you can be open and honest, get their support and help when you need it and provide the same when others need it from you. You also can deal with your life and your well-being doesn’t get shuttered by everyday issues.

There are people who seek this ability in their partners. They want to feel this connection and share this bond with their them. Some believe that it’s a necessary part for healthy relationships, some don’t feel loved or trusted without it. Some don’t like the idea of their partners suffering in silence.

There are people who can’t stand it. It makes them uncomfortable or they think that it is a sign of weakness or something else. Whatever the reason is, they aren’t able to deal with their close ones’ vulnerability and quite often can’t open up themselves.

I think gender roles play a great role here. Whether you believe in them or not, all of us were raised in a society full of it and our preferences and expectations are greatly influenced by them as well. Men are supposed to be stoic rocks, that don’t crumble to emotions and deal with their issues silently on their own. It’s a common expectation shared both by men and women, so it’s no wonder a lot of women have issues with bearing male vulnerability even if they don’t fully subscribe to gender roles.

Then there are also people who use vulnerability as justification for their emotional manipulation or excuse for shitty behavior and then blame their partner for leaving them. For example, a man who threw an angry fit when got confronted about some relationship issues and then say that his partner left him due to his attempt to open up. They also greatly mud the water here.

2023-02-22T07:27:59+00:00

Opening up about your struggles and how you overcame them? How important certain people in your life are? Your goals? Shouldn't be a problem. Now if you act like a little bitch then yes.

UpbeatInsurance5358 · 2023-02-22T09:39:56+00:00

This isn't a gender thing, it's a person thing. We've all been punished for showing our vulnerability to the wrong person.

izzzy12k · 2023-02-22T14:30:55+00:00

When my ex decided to do her own thing, all my flaws and expressed vulnerabilities were thrown at me as an excuse to do her thing.

This was after 20 years together.

I agree that you should never open up to that level with a women, unless she's a friend that you are not involved with.

DarthMemus · 2023-02-22T16:27:14+00:00

Frankly who the fuck cares. Literally just do whatever you want with a woman. She loses interest because you opened up? Ok cool, next

Safinated · 2023-02-22T17:45:14+00:00

I want an adult

I’m already the man in the relationship; I’m no hypocrite

I’m sure many women are similar to me

Jacked5parrow · 2023-02-22T20:09:10+00:00

It’s simple, women want us to be vulnerable but be able to solve our own issues. Another adult doesn’t want to baby another adult.

AcanthocephalaNew947 · 2023-02-22T01:15:03+00:00

I'm still stuck on that time a guy made a post on here about this very topic and when pressed on what he opened up about it turned out he told her stuff like he wanted to kill himself and blow up the entire world.

Over_North8884 · 2023-02-22T01:20:58+00:00

Women want men to open up in the same way an aggressive salesman wants customers to open up and police interrogators want suspects to open up. Women ferret out red flags like mental illness and poor social skills while salesmen seek financial information and interest and the police seek culpability.

Men don't need to do similar since most of what women have to offer is immediately in plain sight although edited photographs and cosmetics are part of women's occlusion efforts.

dumbbitchcas · 2023-02-22T01:53:25+00:00

Personally yes. Emotional intimacy is very important to me. With romantic and platonic relationships, I value it a lot. BUT there is a time and a place. Know the line of trauma dumping, and if she says “this is more of a therapist thing than a me thing” respect that.

Aggressive_Grand_897 · 2023-02-22T01:29:27+00:00

I think they do, even if it’s a traditional woman. However usually women want you to share your feelings about (why you like them). It’s actually a selfish thing for women. They get a kick out of seeing their man emotional. But what they DONT want to see is a man crying to her about how hard his day is or why he’s mad his favorite football team lost.

RatchedAngle · 2023-02-22T02:03:59+00:00

My relationship improved when my husband opened up to me.

He was being extremely distant due to the anniversary of his brother’s death. Always refused to talk about it. One day he broke down and cried and actually spoke his feelings about it. I held him while he cried. That night we had extremely intimate and loving sex. We were going through a dry spell prior to that, I genuinely was starting to feel like my libido disappeared…and magically it was back again.

To me there’s a certain level of masculinity in being vulnerable. You see movies where men are vulnerable only with each other (war movies, etc.) and seeing my husband open up is like getting a secret glimpse into his most private thoughts. It makes me feel emotionally closer to him and therefore more intimate/sexually connected.

Of course, there’s a difference between expressing your emotions in a healthy mature way…and being a whiny baby. Sometimes people (both men and women) need to be told to man up. I’ve had to tell myself to man up sometimes.

Also, a lot of men confuse “being vulnerable” with “being emotionally dependent on my partner for all happiness.” I have met several (usually younger) men who are depressed and rely on their girlfriends to constantly reassure them. That’s not being vulnerable - that’s codependence.

HTML_Novice · 2023-02-22T01:19:28+00:00

Yes but you can’t react emotionally. You can open up but you have to do it stoically, as if it doesn’t effect you at all. Like “yeah my mom died but honestly it’s whatever” then she’ll love that you opened up, but not lose respect for you. Boys you’re welcome

TotalTravesty · 2023-02-22T01:39:33+00:00

I don’t know, it seems that the Very Online People, those who tend to not be of the most sound mind anyway, are the only ones who have a consistent problem with this.

I wouldn’t trust many people here for example—man or woman—to “open up emotionally” in a way that wouldn’t put off most normal people. Their idea of “opening up” is to lay out all of their traumas before the third date or go on a tirade because they think their partner of 5 years might have had sex with someone with a bigger penis back in college.

It’s very simple: emotional vulnerability is accepted and even embraced when it’s 1) relatable, 2) measured, and 3) not constant. That can be hard to gauge in the land of 10-paragraph rants over some random TikTok, but in the real world most decent people are pretty accepting.

Then again, sometimes you find yourself dating a garbage human. In that case, don’t fret because the trash took itself out.

NakedStreets · 2023-02-22T01:13:45+00:00

Emotional vulnerability =/= mental illness.

sweetestpineapple · 2023-02-22T03:15:44+00:00

Yes. I wish my man would open up more. As long as he’s relatively stable, since I’m not, my ideal relationship would include lots of conversations about emotions. My guy is conflict avoidant and pretty stoic which stresses me out because I never know how he’s actually feeling. Also productivity doesn’t really matter to me. Having A full time job, even if it’s not a good one, is good enough. I would want him to take time off if his mental health got bad enough. I was unemployed for months due to poor mental health and he was very supportive.

Aromatic_Shop9033 · 2023-02-22T03:35:18+00:00

They don't.

They say they do, but they don't.

lustersi · 2023-02-22T04:33:20+00:00

I would say there’s a possibility if they been married for a while. But if it’s dating, talking stage or officially bf and gf. Then no. Females don’t want the guy to open up. Even if they claim they want you to open up. Subconsciously they lose attraction even though they probably was the one pushing you to open up and offer you an open ear.

My advice is to keep emotions to yourself and express your feelings to friends and family only. Let her come to you for an open ear never the other way around

saraimarsena · 2023-02-22T02:05:03+00:00

for one thing, a lot of it is that women want a man who has emotions that he’s able to work through in a healthy manner.

man that goes through human stress and feels things like a human and is able to articulate his vulnerability but is solution oriented = good
man that goes through stress and “opens up” and complains and wallows and makes no effort to change circumstances, or becomes a neglectful partner due to aforementioned stress= bad
man that attempts to choose the “stoic” route but really just bottles up his feelings, becomes resentful and bitter, lashes out or becomes distant = bad

another thing about “opening up about stressful situations” is that it’s often also not an isolated thing. is it accompanying other changes in the relationship? did he “open up” and also take his stress out on his partner?

while I don’t doubt that there are women that lose sexual attraction when they see a man cry, the issue of “to open up or not open up” within stressful times is a complex issue in relationships that interacts with a variety of factors.

all I can say is that men must seriously vet before sharing their deepest feelings and secrets with any and everybody. is she a selfish woman who prioritizes herself above the health of the relationship? does she really only like to talk about herself? are you a side supporting character to her? probably not a wise choice to be vulnerable with her.

Wolvengirla88 · 2023-02-22T02:46:43+00:00

Men tend to blame the loss of relationships on whatever will threaten their egos least. Women are not likely to leave relationships because men “open up.” However, many men expect their wives to be their sole emotional support. They don’t get therapy, they may not have close friends, they don’t open up to parents. They expect girlfriends or wives to be their only emotional lifeline but also disappear when they don’t want to provide emotional support in return. That’s unfair, and women don’t appreciate that. Men often lack the skills to understand all these connections.

KikiYuyu · 2023-02-22T02:11:45+00:00

For me, it's a requirement. I want to know the man I'm with, weaknesses and flaws and struggles included. As long as he doesn't demand I be his personal therapist and damage my own mental health, it's cool.

I doubt merely opening up would be the cause, aside from a few cases of the women they were with being just awful, horrible people. They might have traumadumped too hard, or the woman might have been overwhelmed, some additional factor like that.

gofigure62 · 2023-02-22T13:23:18+00:00

I don't believe a word that men say. I'm sure them "opening up" was a last ditch manipulation tactic as a hail Mary to save a relationship after a woman already declared the relationship over or that the writing was on the wall that the relationship was already over.

So many women state that their experiences with men opening up is always after they've fucked up. Suddenly they want to cry about their dead grandma after being caught balls deep in the neighbor, or after he lost 50k on NFTs.

Most men have zero emotional intelligence and zero emotional regulation. Their interpretation of emotions in general are just wrong.

Women also claim that males never DO anything regarding their emotional state. They never get therapy, never take medication. They just want to emotionally dump on women, blame all their shit behavior on their poor mental health, and guilt anyone who suggests that they seek professional help. They claim that no one cares about men's mental health, yet any time anyone suggests getting professional help they make up some excuses as to why they don't want to do it.

Males also lack any accountability. They'll blame "opening up" as the demise of their relationship and omit that they cheated, omit that they never paid bills, omit that they did drugs, omit that they were abusive, omit that they neglected themselves and their relationship. They're always blaming other people. They're never responsible for the demise of a relationship.

begayallday · 2023-02-22T06:30:19+00:00

My last two long term relationships with men ended due to them being emotionally closed off and unwilling to be honest with themselves or me.

cl1p5 · 2023-02-22T14:32:19+00:00

Absolutely do not open up to a women do not let them see you cry.

Study shows Your own mother looked down on you when she saw you cry

https://parents-together.org/study-suggests-mothers-might-have-gender-bias-about-boys-crying/

Homebangerr · 2023-02-22T01:20:41+00:00

joker laugh HaHAHAHAHAHAHAAA… 🤡

KayRay1994 · 2023-02-22T03:49:48+00:00

From my experience with the women i’ve dated + what my female friends tell me - it isn’t about the act of opening up, its always about how you open up. Let’s put it this way, as a man, you’re expected to be action oriented, you’re expected to spreadhead the solution, so to speak. Under this expectation, you can completely open up, just don’t, for the lack of a better way to put it, be a little bitch about it.

januaryphilosopher · 2023-02-22T10:57:12+00:00

A series of bad events can be a huge stressor on a relationship anyway, and spending a lot of time not opening up (even getting married without ever having done it!) would mean a relationship is on shaky ground as it is, so there's that. I don't think that two people can really say they love each other unless they've both trusted each other enough to open up after at least one tough time each. When women say they want men to open up (and not every woman does), they do generally mean it. We want our partners to trust us, we want them not to hurt themselves by emotional repression, we want to know they have emotions and aren't lying about them all the time to know that they love us. If you feel like you can't be emotionally honest with your partner or they can't be with you, there's evidently something wrong with you or them and I wouldn't recommend continuing the relationship.

Slipthe · 2023-02-22T15:22:10+00:00

Yes, the alternative is a guy starts acting cold, cruel, or out of character because he is internally dealing with things. Men aren't as stoic as they think they are.

I'd rather know what it is. Especially if I can change my own behavior to improve the situation. And it is validating to have a partner feel safe and trust you.

One of the things that does explain women's averse reactions is the content of what is being shared may be completely antithetical to the persona men try to present, so that can be shocking when men bottle it up and drop it like a bomb months or years into a relationship.

LotBuilder · 2023-02-22T20:00:35+00:00

No, they don’t. It’s the kiss of death. Talk to a male best friend or a professional counselor.

-Shes-A-Carnival · 2023-02-22T14:24:50+00:00

the disconnect here is that when women say "open up" they mean "tell me how much you love me and how you cant live without me" and men hear "tell me your most depressive serial killer thoughts and loserfeels". women need to feel SAFE with a man, the idea that men can open up to them about things that will make her feel unsafe is ludicrous, how about everyone just closes back up instead? go get a friend or a therapist and stop trying to make your woman into your everything

and just to pre-empt the whine thats coming about how women dump their emotional bs on men, yes--thats right, they do. its up to you how you handle that. you are the man and they are the woman and nothing about is fair. maybe when depressed loserfeels women start murder-suiciding men, men will dump women for loserfeels too

hedgehoglady · 2023-02-22T01:33:50+00:00

One time I was casually dating, had a man spontaneously open up, and the broke things off. But it wasn’t because of emotional vulnerability more than realizing I wasn’t as in to the relationship as he was. Also one other time a man “opening up” was telling me about two different women falsely accusing him of rape…that was an easy “nah” from me.

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Barneysparky · 2023-02-22T01:35:03+00:00

You are going to have to show me that post first.

MeanCry5785 · 2023-02-22T02:01:09+00:00

Definitely opens up

auteurfantastique · 2023-02-22T02:25:59+00:00

I just don't know. I have seen people close to me cry in front of their wives/gfs, but it was in the context of someone passing away or getting close to it. On the other hand, you can find an endless stream of women attesting to the fact that they got the "ick" after their boyfriend opened up to them.

My opinion is that in very serious/sad situations it is acceptable to show emotion in front of your partner, but if you're feeling down or worried or sad for a less serious reason, keep it to yourself.

medurevengea · 2023-02-22T02:53:27+00:00

I wouldn't pressure him to open up, but it would be very concerning if he didn't. I'd really need him to open up eventually (soon hopefully) because you can't have a long tern relationship with a man who doesn't tell you his feelings.

14ers4days · 2023-02-22T05:07:35+00:00

Men are supposed to be emotionally stoic. Personally I think both sexes need to be less emotional, in my generation at least. And I don't know that it has to do with productivity. These he-bitches are simply unmasculine and tiring to deal with.

LandOfGreyAndPink · 2023-02-22T05:19:22+00:00

The stats you cite are very misleading. I'm referring to this bit:

(the WHO estimates that over 800 billion dollars are lost due to production mitigations caused by mental illness) and

'Mental illness' here is almost certainly being used in a broad and / or comprehensive sense; as in, it will include things like dementia, depression, psychosis, drug and alcohol addiction, personality disorders, and loads more. Myself, I really doubt that if one day I'm emotionally vulnerable with my wife, then i must be suffering a mental illness.

Zadacat · 2023-02-22T06:44:06+00:00

Well first of, being emotionally open is not “having a mental illness”

But there is a time and place for everything, thats the main thing

SwimmingTheme3736 · 2023-02-22T07:36:06+00:00

Yes, if he hadn’t I wouldn’t of married him

Opening_Pattern_301 · 2023-02-22T08:13:31+00:00

Yes but only positive emotions, negative emotions not so much unless the cause is a strong one like the death of a loved one and still dont grief over it too much, they want to hear how much you love them everyday, not how much your day at work sucked, completely fine by me, i ll be her stoic emotional support rock as long as the woman im with is low n or i was her first, otherwise beat it.

Laurely4u · 2023-02-22T08:35:18+00:00

Providing ability all the way

UpbeatInsurance5358 · 2023-02-22T09:44:39+00:00

It's normal to be at least a bit emotionally open with your partner. It's not ok to use them as a dumping ground for your trauma and mental health issues. I want my partner to be able to tell me when he's had a bad day. I know he wants the same, and neither of us could do this initially, until we both started doing the work on our own insecurities and mental health. It's still hard to be emotionally open at times, but it's made the relationship so much better.

386DX-40 · 2023-02-22T10:02:41+00:00

The problem is they didn't open before getting married. Why would you want a woman who does not know and accept the real you? There is a difference between being weak in front of women and being unrelenting about being yourself. Women will accept a lot more than many men suspect, but from a position of power.

beleidigtewurst · 2023-02-22T10:21:57+00:00

Only in the "he trusts me so much" sense.

"He should radiate strength and confidence" wish doesn't drop.

Diligent-Director-72 · 2023-02-22T10:35:10+00:00

I think good women want men to and in that case it’s a good thing to do. However we as men know that women talk, a lot. You talk to your friends about things like that you think is normal for men too but we actually done. Meaning that we’re worried to tell you what’s going on because we know it might get mentioned to someone else we don’t trust

TetsuoTamayaka · 2023-02-22T10:47:06+00:00

They say that but it’s a test. If you open up they lose respect. It’s like you want your dad to open up, but if your dad opens up and starts crying or looking weak you are not gonna respect him no more. Women can’t live someone they don’t respect.

Flightlessbirbz · 2023-02-22T13:47:41+00:00

People in general don’t really enjoy it when others open up about negative things. Sad people are rough to be around. My experience as a woman has been that people, men and women, romantic and platonic alike, even family, really have a very limited capacity for sympathy and low patience for “whining.” Part of this is understandable since sad or frustrated people tend to take out their negative emotions on others.

Are men expected more to be “strong”? Absolutely! But my point is women are often left at their lowest too. Especially if she doesn’t feel like having sex or is “no fun anymore.”

eleventwenty2 · 2023-02-22T14:05:52+00:00

I think thr missing link here is that since men aren't taught how to process emotions the way they "open up" can seem very aggressive. For example my husband has a lot of personal traumas and issues with women he has been overcoming and there have been instances where he lashes out and is very loud and combative when trying to express how he feels which ends up In a fight sometimes if I can't maintain my own feelings to be unaffected. He gets better every day but I empathize with the fact that he is lacking some tools to verbally and effectively express those emotions.

On the other hand we also have many long and deep discussions about how he feels about certain things, how experiences affect his behaviour today and how he can change some things and treat himself better. I love having these talks and every time we do I feel closer in the relationship.

Women who actually are turned off by men showing emotion have their own issues to work through. Maybe they have daddy issues and therefore see any emotional expression as manipulation or undue weakness, but that is not a normal way to think, ita definitely toxic and needs fixing.

Kobe_curry24 · 2023-02-22T16:34:39+00:00

This is good to have solid friends and to also keep your family close , and one might say how do I be vulnerable with friends well first you have to let them be vulnerable with you , men definitely if you have brother or a father keep that bond close bring these to him

BecretAlbatross · 2023-02-22T16:36:19+00:00

Yes but you have to frame all of your weaknesses from a position of strength and competence.

So any issues you have are being taken care of and won't become her problem.

DontDefendTheElite · 2023-02-22T17:25:39+00:00

Only if they opening up doesn’t effect them in any way. My personal and shared experience

8won6 · 2023-02-22T21:30:36+00:00

They say they do, but really they don't. And if you're a man opening up about your feelings to a woman expect that information to be used against you in the future.

sh0kage_ · 2023-02-22T22:14:14+00:00

They don’t. They just say they do because it sounds good. It’s one of those things that sounds good in theory until it’s put into practice. Actions speak louder than words and men are finally wising up

sd2iv · 2023-02-22T22:45:40+00:00

As a man would understand the definition of opening up, No. What they really mean is they want you to show your true colors as long as they exude positive masculinity. I have opened up to several Women and cried in front of them about my Mother's passing. They have actually been receptive and kind and thoughtful in respect to that event.

That said, there's a reason for it... your Mother won't pass away twice, which means its a non issue going forward, and it shows that you actually have emotions, aka aren't a sociopath, which builds on the trust/connection/betabux side of things. Whenever I've opened up about things like I might be laid-off or gaining weight or any other set of things, its been mostly negative responses. Sure if you know how to play it right and sugar coat things, you can mitigate most of the bad aspects of 'opening up,' but its not worth it from an overall perspective.

EugeneCezanne · 2023-02-22T23:49:26+00:00

Somehow I’ve managed to date lots of women and be very open and emotionally vulnerable to all of them, and have pretty much never felt anything but mutual support in that regard. So I never know what tf you guys are talking about.

Little-grey_boi · 2023-02-23T00:38:04+00:00

I wish I could open up but I know I can't

nicoleberry16 · 2023-02-23T00:52:07+00:00

For me when my boyfriend opens up I don't mind at all, I encourage him to in fact. I want him to express his feelings since it isn't healthy to bottle them in. Opening up =/= weakness despite what a lot of people may think

evilpenguin399 · 2023-02-23T01:22:43+00:00

Never listen to what anyone says only what they do, apply this to both women and men. Since this question is regarding women.

No they do not. My own ex gf used to be so happy about me helping her through her insecurities but when mine came up I was called a baby and left. And its happened to almost every other man I know and see.

Same with when u ask them what's attractive to them they give bs answers like attitude caring etc we knows that's a lie.

Their actions prove they dont care for men to emotionally open up( maybe a tiny minority do but it is rare) And their actions prove what is attractive to them in men and it's all the same as shown by the results of the same 10% of men getting all the results.

Willow-girl · 2023-02-23T13:12:21+00:00

I guess a guy could open up to me if he wants, but I'm not sure I'd have much useful advice for him beyond, "Grab your chainsaw and go cut firewood until you feel better."

Slavicgoddess23 · 2023-02-23T16:15:23+00:00

If you open up in a healthy way.

HighestTierMaslow · 2023-02-23T17:21:53+00:00

Those men picked the wrong women to marry.

Most of those women showed signs of being emotionally unsupportive when they got together and/or were dating/engaged, the men just ignored it. I actually find the kindest men tend to be attracted to the most unkind women.

I also find men to be terrible self reporters. I think men arent encouraged to hone social and emotional intelligence skills as much as women so they don't really give an accurate picture of what led to the relationship breaking down.

LaserFace778 · 2023-02-23T17:59:57+00:00

When people say they want you to open up and be emotionally vulnerable, they typically don’t mean to vent about your deepest fears, darkest fantasies, and most horrible traumas. Yeah, a lot of women want to hear about how much you love them, how you feel about the relationship, your dreams and aspirations, what makes you happy. They also wouldn’t mind normal problems and issues occasionally. It sounds like a lot of you guys see it as permission to unzip all your trauma and this surprises them. Some of these women may be the passive aggressive type that expects you to mind read as well. That is definitely a thing.

Calinks · 2023-02-23T18:31:38+00:00

Don't be a closed-off wall that shares nothing. Don't go around moping and crying, and being routinely negative around her. Women want some vulnerability but that doesn't mean you spill your guts and go super sad/dark. Save the heavy stuff for your male friends (which you should have), family, and therapist.

NewbombTurk · 2023-02-23T22:06:50+00:00

If you can't be honest, and vulnerable, with your wife, then what's the point? You wife is your partner in this life. The one person on this earth who will always be in your corner. If romantic relationships are transactional to you, then don't bother.

WeirdCarnival · 2023-02-24T07:11:04+00:00

Anecdote:

Short answer: Fuck no.

Long answer:

Had some not-so-serious relationships and currently in a serious one. If you tick all the boxes as a partner and further look after your girl emotionally, you will probably encounter something like this sooner or later:

"I feel like I open up to you and you're not telling me about yourself. What do you want/like?"

Or

"You make me feel very happy in this relationship, are you happy too?"

If you answer truthfully, let me warn you, this is a trap. I fell for it twice. Shame on me. If you fall for it, good fucking luck to you.

blaizken_420 · 2023-02-24T18:52:20+00:00

No. They're lying to save face.

Yozora1337 · 2023-02-25T14:22:43+00:00

They think they want, but they don't. They always choose the emotionally unavailable men at the end. Maybe there are some exceptions but it's 10% but i think less.

butterfly_cats · 2023-02-22T04:45:15+00:00

I think many men can't tell the difference between trauma dumping and opening up. That's why they believe 'showing emotion' will get them dumped. Men treat women like therapists, there's an expectation that we do the emotional labor. I've had men I barely even know just randomly start telling me all the shit they're going through. They often don't have regard for the person listening to them and their feelings and simply expect us to fix it. Or they will have an actual mental health issue and won't fix it but will take it out on us, vent to us, expect us to cater to them. Sometimes when we barely know each other. I used to sit next to a guy in my computer science class. I hated him, he was so creepy and I'm pretty sure he raped his girlfriend. We barely talked but whenever we did, he would just start talking about everything going on at home and with his relationship and his legal issues. Why? Why did he think that was acceptable to tell me? How am I supposed to respond? This is the behavior that women get upset by. This is why women leave. It's not to do with opening up, but a lot of men can't tell the difference.

MiddleZealousideal89 · 2023-02-22T08:28:45+00:00

There's a difference between being open with your partner, allowing yourself to be emotionally vulnerable in front of them and with them, and mental illness. If your emotions are heavily influenced by your unstable mental state, that's an issue. If you expect me to help manage your mental health, that's an issue. I would appreciate someone being honest and open with me if they had any mental health problems, but I wouldn't stay with them if they did nothing to try and address said problems. Everyone gets sad, everyone deals with shit, everyone is going to go through rough times and your partner should be there to support you. However, if those issues are perpetual or you fall into a deep depressive state at the slightest issue, those are very serious problems that your partner can't fix for you. If you constantly trauma dump on your partner, expect them to make things better for you, and lash out when they can't, you can't really say they left because you were just being open. There's being open and there's being a bad partner under the guise of openness.

Now, there are shitty people who will take your vulnerability and use it against you. Those people are called assholes and should be called out for their crap. Some people will want you to be open because they value that openness, some people will want you to open up because they want to take advantage of that.

violet4everr · 2023-02-22T16:34:36+00:00

How can someone be my partner if they are emotionally closed of? Im glad my guy feels comfi opening up to me. Its also allowed for me to adjust my behaviour- I sometimes used to make insensitive jokes and comments that I didn’t know were insensitive, and now I do. I can’t speak for other women but I’m not actually with someone until we’ve crossed that emotional boundary.

Title	Do women really want a man who opens up in a relationship?
Author	Sibito
Upvotes	71
Comments	365
Date	February 22, 2023 1:11 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/118kuz0/do_women_really_want_a_man_who_opens_up_in_a/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/do-women-really-want-a-man-who-opens-up-in-a.1153808 https://theredarchive.com/post/1153808

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