Would you leave a man you love if he refused to marry you?

KikiYuyu · 2024-01-17T20:09:32+00:00

I would understand his worries, but if he refused, I would take that as a sign he refuses to trust me. I would find it incredibly difficult to move past that.

EulenWatcher · 2024-01-17T20:13:42+00:00

I want to have kids some day, so, yeah, I’d break up over having hangups about marriage. I see no reason to build a family with a man who doesn’t want us to be one family unit legally and I have enough respect for myself to wait for him to come around or try to change his opinion.

relish5k · 2024-01-17T20:18:58+00:00

Having babies with a man who is not your husband is risky for women.

Ain’t no way I’d be someone’s forever girlfriend and baby’s mama.

mrs_seng · 2024-01-17T20:10:03+00:00

No. I believe in marriage, i married knowing it will be for life. I want to be Mrs. X, not the girlfriend of 20+ years. I want to be let in the hospital. I want to be able to get around at various institutions by being his wife (having the same name).

Also, r/waiting_to_wed

Suspicious_Glove7365 · 2024-01-17T20:16:39+00:00

Yep I’d leave. Staying in a relationship without the benefits of marriage isn’t what I’m looking for. And I’d marry only with a prenup. Don’t want my future husband running away with my money if divorce ever happens.

robikn22 · 2024-01-17T20:13:17+00:00

Yes. Marriage was (and still is) important to me. If my husband had verbalized that marriage wasn’t something he wanted or saw in his future, I would have ended the relationship. We had regular timeline touch bases to make sure we were consistently on the same page.

Katatonicsnake · 2024-01-17T20:22:54+00:00

Not if that was his reason. Furthermore, I would be disappointed in myself if I had taken so much time to talk about marriage, because I believe it should be discussed before either party is in love.

lle-ell · 2024-01-17T21:26:41+00:00

Being a forever gf would feel embarrassing for me, and it would make me feel rejected which would lead to resentment. Finding my life partner (husband/wife - I’m bi) was one of my life goals before I met my now husband.

Unless there were some kind of extreme circumstances for example regarding disability benefits or something similar, it means “he’s just not that into you” and that would be a dealbreaker for me.

literaryhogwartian · 2024-01-17T20:30:50+00:00

Yes. Because I would have made it clear on the first date that I wanted to be married and if he didn't then we shouldn't waste our time

Makuta_Servaela · 2024-01-17T20:41:55+00:00

If I'm building a life with someone, I would want some surety. I would want to be able to access him in a medical emergency, for children we have to be legally connected to both of us, to have next-of-kin rights over his body and he over mine if I am dying, for my health insurance to cover him or his to cover me (depending on who has the better plan) etc.

This is also why the fight for gay marriage was so important. Gay marriage wasn't just about getting straight people to acknowledge gay couples, it was about the importance of the law recognizing your union and recognizing that you two have chosen to build your life together.

So yes, if I was with someone for a long time and then he told me "Marriage is not in his best interest", he is telling me that he does not see building his life long-term with me to be in his best interest. I would not have a reason to continue to stick around, since I could be building my life elsewhere.

If there are other reasons he doesn't want to marry, that would depend on the reason. Not ready yet (depending on how long it's been), disabled and doesn't want his medical bills causing me debt, etc.

Objective_Ad_6265 · 2024-01-17T20:57:47+00:00

Why would he if I have more money? Anyway I have more money and I'm not concerned about it. I love him and it's our money. He si more than money to me.

So you don't want to marry them, you don't love them. Of course it's reasonable not to marry in special situations like until the debts are paid off or something.

You are telling you don't really love the person and don't believe in the relationship. Relationship like that is doomed from the start.

Anyway I know what it's like to love someone so much I would accept anything just to be with him. So I would stay but I would be very sad about it. Otherwise before I met the love of my life with anyone else I would leave for that reason.

operation-spot · 2024-01-17T22:35:57+00:00

I’d try to address his concerns by getting a prenup which is something I would do regardless but I’m not going to be a forever girlfriend. If he doesn’t think I’m worth the risk he doesn’t love me.

-Shes-A-Carnival · 2024-01-17T20:32:50+00:00

how does it come about that "he refuses" to marry me? did I humiliate myself by asking a man to marry me in this scenario? lol no ty

confused_makeup · 2024-01-17T20:54:32+00:00

If he had a legitimate reason, maybe.

Otherwise, no. Its not something I'm willing to compromise on.

10throwawayantsy · 2024-01-17T20:50:08+00:00

Yeah. I want to get married

Mayfloweronthewall · 2024-01-17T22:17:46+00:00

Yes I would leave. Marriage is personally something that I want because I desire children. Clearly our interests don’t align so there no reason to remain in a relationship, he’d just be wasting my time. I’d immediately start looking for a man that actually wants to be my husband.

januaryphilosopher · 2024-01-17T20:20:07+00:00

Depends on the best interest. There are some fringe cases where it can remove disability benefit or something, but generally no. It probably just indicates we have different interests. And in general I'm not sure there's anywhere to go from a turned down proposal.

complete_doodle · 2024-01-17T20:11:59+00:00

Yes, I would leave. My husband knew he wanted to marry me early on - and we both made it clear that marriage was the goal. If he hadn’t been open to ever getting married, I would’ve found someone else who was.

toasterchild · 2024-01-17T20:36:57+00:00

Marriage is marginally riskier if you earn more than your spouse. If my partner who earned less than me said something like that I would have at least started questioning his intelligence.

Slipthe · 2024-01-17T20:00:31+00:00

Yes. I could stay with a man without marriage but:

he refuses to marry you citing that marriage is not in his best interest

This isn't a compelling enough reason. It just illustrates a man who is insulating himself from the end of a relationship, which is antithetical to commitment and relationship security.

He'd need to be much more reassuring and compelling in his commitment to me as a life partner, otherwise I'd have to assume he is simply keeping his options open.

Flightlessbirbz · 2024-01-17T22:09:24+00:00

Yeah because I would like to have kids and I’m not doing that without being married. I’m not ending up homeless with children because some guy wanted all the benefits of a wife and family without the commitment. As I see it, if you don’t trust someone enough to marry them you certainly shouldn’t be having children with them, and I think kids deserve the security of knowing their parents are married.

Now for couples who never want kids, then it’s entirely down to personal preference. If I didn’t want children, whether or not I’d be okay without marriage would entirely depend on how he treated me (is marriage just not important to him, or am I a placeholder?). It would definitely make me more wary, but I also don’t think marriage is always essential.

soulangelic · 2024-01-17T20:18:55+00:00

If he wasn’t looking for marriage I wouldn’t have gotten into a relationship with him in the first place.

In the hypothetical that he’d suddenly change his mind or something, yes, I would leave if he decided he didn’t want to get married.

CauliflowerElegant76 · 2024-01-17T22:43:49+00:00

Well, I wouldn't date a guy who doesn't want marriage in the first place. I value marriage, family, and tradition and I'd only be with a partner who has the same views as me.

Staying boyfriend-girlfriend forever is half-assing commitment, if you trust each other and want to be together for life, take the next step and get married. I would also want to model a happy, healthy marriage to my future kids and that would not be possible if we're not married.

AngeCruelle · 2024-01-17T20:12:42+00:00

Yes because I'm not secular and I live according to rules that don't essentially amount to "whatever I feel like doing"

ConanTheCybrarian · 2024-01-17T22:27:03+00:00

Marriage IS risky for everyone, and can also be beneficial for everyone. That's not a uniquely gendered experience.

I'm married and my husband was the one who pushed for it. I was still indifferent about it the week prior to our wedding.

This is 100% a personal preference thing that is informed by culture, religion, situation, etc. It is completely fine for any gendered person to be clear about an expectation and have a boundary around their partner meeting it.

But as a thought experiment for me personally:

If am very serious about marrying and my partner says no (for any reason) it is not only okay but a good idea- for me to leave them.

One cannot compromise on deep needs/ deeply held beliefs, regardless of how much they love their partner. It always leads to resentment. If it's non-negotiable, that's that.

If my partner's only reason is that it is not in their own best interest, I would leave. The reason they gave makes it clear that they are not ready for the level of selflessness and thoughtfulness needed for us to have a good marriage or partnership.

There's no point in me continuing a relationship. The breakup is inevitable, better to rip the bandaid off.

MistyMaisel · 2024-01-17T20:37:23+00:00

No. I'd say so long, thanks for all the fish, so sad that it should end like this.

And then I'd go looking for a man who understands that asking me to be his forever girlfriend is an insult, understands that I want to have babies with someone I'm married to, and that I'm not interested in this thing where he gets all the benefits of a wife and mother to his children, but none of the potential hazards.

Financial_Leave4411 · 2024-01-17T20:51:14+00:00

I absolutely would leave. Being a forever girlfriend is an insult. It’s better to be single than a forever girlfriend.

GlitterAndFireballs · 2024-01-17T20:38:58+00:00

Absolutely not. I will not be anyone’s forever girlfriend.

I always lay out my timeline at the beginning to make sure we’re on the same page re marriage and children.

Sillysheila · 2024-01-17T23:12:16+00:00

Probably. I understand that it’s more risky for men as a whole, but in my case if we divorced I am one of those people that wouldn’t want loads of money and would want equal custody if there were children.

I just don’t really think being a forever girlfriend is a good idea. If you have children, which many women do want, and your partner decides to break up with you while you’re out of the workforce (ie if you just had a baby) you’re not entitled to anything. If either of you is in hospital you have no visitation rights. What happens if one of you dies? What happens if one of you goes into a coma or might go into a vegetative state? There’s just so many downsides in being a forever girlfriend.

Plus there are ways you can control your divorce risk. Don’t get married to someone who was married previously. Don’t get married too young or too old (25-33 seems to be the statistical sweet spot). Don’t marry someone who didn’t graduate high school.

Element_Girl · 2024-01-17T20:20:19+00:00

Marriage isn't risky for men. Research bears out that men benefit from marriage, in numerous ways, and more so than women

Nellylocheadbean · 2024-01-17T20:41:28+00:00

Yes I would leave.

Safinated · 2024-01-17T21:24:14+00:00

Yes, because he considers me a risk. That ain’t love

Divorce isn’t fun and games for women

RorschachRosettes · 2024-01-17T21:40:39+00:00

First - men are not the only ones who take on a risk with marriage. It is not 1932, we all work, we all earn and income, we're all capable of coming into a large inheritance or receiving a massive bonus. This idea that men are the only ones to lose in divorce is laughable. Get a grip. Most of the time, this is a fear expressed by individuals with nothing to their name, so its even more laughable when you consider that they'd have nothing to "take" in case of divorce. Those that DO have assets and money get a prenup.

I would leave, but personally, I'm not someone who dates people with the intention of having this type of surprise convo down the line. My intentions for marriage are something I'm up front about. If someone doesn't "believe" in marriage, that's fine. That's their right. I just won't be them. They are free to find someone who is also on their same page in that regards.

As for why marriage?

You get married as a means of establishing each other as your next of kin, as the most important person in each other's lives on a social, financial, legal and medical level. You don't get married for the good - the good should be the reasons why you trust this person enough to be in this position, but you actually get married to protect each other and have each other's back in case of the bad.

Reducing it to "just a piece of paper" as people often do is typically telling of their low status if I'm going to be quite honest. There are few things in life quite as important as a piece of paper. A deed is a piece of paper. A check is a piece of paper. A degree is a piece of paper. Pieces of paper, in this world, mean something.

spanglesandbambi · 2024-01-17T20:22:01+00:00

I am married (we got married as it was the easiest way to tie up stuff like shared property and savings stuff and eloped, so cost next to nothing). No I wouldn't of left we just would have gone through the legal signing over on stuff.

If the person wanted to stay unlegally connected that would have been fine too, but I wouldn't live with them or share money at all.

For context, I'm the higher earner and had the more expensive property and savings/pension sorted.

Pola_Lita · 2024-01-17T21:47:35+00:00

I'd leave but there's really no possibility of me being in a relationship with a man who was either so dumb or actually DID have reasons for fearing marriage.

bluehorserunning · 2024-01-18T00:02:43+00:00

That would depend on the relationship and how expenses were shared, and also whether or not he and/or I wanted kids. Children are a huge financial and QL hit for women (to a far, far greater level than for men), so I sure as fuck wouldn’t have kids unless I was married.

Literal_Jesus_ · 2024-01-17T20:47:01+00:00

If I’m dating someone for more than three years and it hasn’t come up he’s wasting my time.

Leaving. Out the door they will not hear from me again. I don’t waste my time on people who don’t know what they want.

kalashhhhhhhh · 2024-01-17T21:40:16+00:00

Alimony practically doesn't exist in my country. It's awarded in extremely rare cases. Most women work and aren't "stay at home moms". And "being married" is not one of conditions to be awarded alimony. Unmarried couples who live together for more than 3 years (and shorter than that if they have a child together) have almost all the same rights and obligations as married couples, including alimony.

Also, one can regulate division of marital assets with a contract that can be signed at any point before, during or after marriage and courts stick with that in the majority of cases.

If we own a house and separate without ever getting married, we still have to split those assets, just like we would if we were married.

I also want to have children. If he doesn't want to have children, it's an automatic dealbreaker. Regarding children, basically nothing changes if we're unmarried or married- we will have a custody battle and child support will be paid equally, doesn't matter if we weren't married.

So, why wouldn't he want to get married, what exactly does he lose?

velvetalocasia · 2024-01-17T21:37:19+00:00

If he wanted a forever girlfriend he could have one, it would just not be me. 🤷🏻‍♀️

DreaminInChocolate · 2024-01-17T21:35:47+00:00

I personally don't believe in the need for marriage and I have 0 desire for it. We've been together for 10 years and are having our 4th child together. It would be a deal breaker if he insisted on it.

Novadina · 2024-01-17T21:51:02+00:00

Marriage can be risky for men.

It’s risky for women too, financially tying yourself to someone is a risk. What part is only a risk for men?

It can also be risky to NOT marry. For example, having kids with someone when not married is a risk to women, and owning a house together with someone when not married can be a risk. One person not working and contributing to the partnership in another way is a big risk if you aren’t married. So the risks and benefits have to be weighed for every individual situation.

So suppose you are in relationship with a man you love and he loves you. Would you leave him if he refuse to marry you citing that marriage is not in his best interest.

Depends on the specific reason why… If there was an actual logical reason where it made more sense for us to stay unmarried than to marry, then sure. But if it made more sense for us to get married than to not (as it did in my situation) then I would have some problems with that, because I like to pick the best path for our future and want to be with someone onboard with that same goal, not someone who only has his own best interest in mind and not us a partnered unit.

Ainsleygz · 2024-01-17T22:43:38+00:00

No, this is how my long term relationship is. I’ve never wanted kids or marriage, and he is on the same page. We’re very happy

apresonly · 2024-01-17T23:17:56+00:00

not if he committed to be my lifelong monogamous partner

but yes if he didn't want that at all

> Would you stay as his forever girlfriend?

no i'd expect that he called me his partner, not girlfriend (i'm 38)

Susiewoosiexyz · 2024-01-18T00:33:41+00:00

I wouldn't ask, because marriage isn't in my best interests either.

Men benefit more from marriage than women. They're healthier, earn more, have more success in their careers... I'm not sure why they're so keen to avoid it, to be honest.

fakingandnotmakingit · 2024-01-17T22:16:10+00:00

Depends on if we want kids

If we're having kids then yes, marriage is necessary. I'm not stupid enough to have children and end up with the first year or so of career sacrifice and get no surety for it

If no kids then idc too much

rosesonthefloor · 2024-01-18T01:16:25+00:00

I want to have children, so yes, I would leave a man who didn’t want to marry.

If he can’t commit to building a family unit together with me (which includes marriage IMO), then he’s not someone I want a family with.

desert_fly · 2024-01-17T23:18:49+00:00

Depends.

If I'm compromising my earning potential for the sake of the relationship/family by changing jobs, cutting hours, foregoing promotions etc. I require financial compensation. Marriage with a prenup is the obvious choice.

If I don't change my professional aspirations to accommodate my partner and we don't have kids, I wouldn't want to get married myself. Because, why the hassle?

AutoModerator · 2024-01-17T18:11:21+00:00

Attention!

You can post off topic/jokes/puns as a comment to this Automoderator message.
For "Debate" and "Question for X" Threads: Parent comments that aren't from the target group will be removed, along with their child replies.
If you want to agree with OP instead of challenging their view or if the question is not targeted at you, post it as an answer to this comment.
OP you can choose your own flair according to these guidelines., just press Flair under your post!

Thanks for your cooperation and enjoy the discussion!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

Lysa_Bell · 2024-01-18T04:40:13+00:00

I never wanted to get married. Now I'm engaged. Mostly for legal reasons - being married just makes it much easier for us as a couple because we come from different countries. If that wasn't the case and we could just be together we might not needed this step.

My mom is married the third time. Also for legal reasons because she's in her 60s and it's much more complicated to visit a "bf" in hospital or get any information about them than a "husband". Even common law marriages don't really provide you with that legality. She was done after marriage 2. Her now husband insisted. He proposed 3 times. He wanted to feel secure she wouldn't leave him. After the signing of the document he became more lazy than before in the relationship. It's ridiculous how some people fall off the wagon as soon as they feel more secure that it's harder for their partner to leave them.

Marriage is scary. I wouldn't do it, if there wasn't a proper legitimate reason for it. And usually it's a law thing. I don't want kids so it wouldn't have been necessary if it wasn't for visa purposes.

FineDevelopment00 · 2024-01-18T05:37:19+00:00

Would you stay as his forever girlfriend?

Nope. I don't play around. Commitment is commitment, and shacking up is shacking up.

if he refuse to marry you citing that marriage is not in his best interest.

Then my love obviously isn't reciprocated, and he crystal-clearly doesn't trust me if he believes being married to me (because marriage isn't merely a theoretical concept to him at this point; he's in a relationship with me specifically so he isn't only thinking of marriage as an institution removed from his personal experience) "is not in his best interest." Which would mean I'd never be able to trust him either. Because if he's so supposedly in love with me as a person (doubt), why is he trying so hard to keep some kind of upper hand over me?

Thank God I'm married to a man who isn't about this nonsense. Vet your potential dates well, single ladies! Seriously, good luck out there.

Sadsad0088 · 2024-01-18T05:59:38+00:00

Yes I would leave him, and I did with my ex.

permiecandy · 2024-01-18T06:55:26+00:00

I'd leave. If it's not on the table, there's no point in continuing with it. Get a prenup if he's so worried. In this case, I wouldn't take his last name, either. You want me to bare your last name, it comes with a cost. A fee for getting rid of my own identity and self and becoming part of yours.

If I want to marry you, I'm in it for the long haul. If you're that worried about getting fucked over by me, it's not in either of our best interests to remain together. I deserve more than that from someone.

GoldenHornyChicken · 2024-01-18T08:38:25+00:00

No I woudn't. I'm in a 8 years old LTR, happily unmarried. We have a baby, plan for another one this year, and I feel safe enough to consider a ~1 year pause in my carreer to care of the children. To be fair, we do have contracted some sort of "lighter" civil union,and we talk about getting married after the 2nd child. It's totally common in my european-secular country. Half the families or so live like this. There's no difference between married and unmarried couples when children are involved, same rights, same duties. So marriage is mostly symbolic and can wait a few years longer.

thetruthishere_ · 2024-01-18T15:04:53+00:00

If I wanted to get married, yes. We are not compatible and not in my best interest to continue dating him.

He can go find someone that doesnt want to get married and I can go find someone who does.

spicytuna12391 · 2024-01-18T19:02:48+00:00

Yes I would leave him.

2024-01-20T21:40:05+00:00

Hypothetically I’d interpret it to mean he wasn’t serious about the relationship but I’d let the relationship run its natural course. Doubt it would last forever

Expensive-Tea455 · 2024-01-21T21:31:06+00:00

Yes, if he doesn’t want to get married, that means we’re not on the same page and, therefore, not compatible… I would break up with him and start dating other men who are actually marriage-minded 😬

Title	Would you leave a man you love if he refused to marry you?
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	12
Comments	439
Date	January 17, 2024 6:11 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1993bz4/would_you_leave_a_man_you_love_if_he_refused_to/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/would-you-leave-a-man-you-love-if-he-refused-to.1243304 https://theredarchive.com/post/1243304

Comments