Study shows men view their ex partners much more fondly than women do, matches up with my experience. What are your thoughts?

AngeCruelle · 2024-04-03T21:11:02+00:00

Permissive sexual attitudes significantly predicted ex-partner attitudes, and this variable was also related to gender. These findings build on recent research by Mogliski and Welling (2017) who found that men rate sexual access (more than women do) as a reason for staying in touch with an ex-partner. Consistent with evolutionary theorizing, greater permissive sexual attitudes held by men (compared to women) might underlie their more favorable views of former partners. For example, it is possible that men, in their stronger pursuit of multiple partners and more playful orientation to love, do not want to close the door to sexual intimacy with their former partners completely. Clearly, favorable ex-partner views support this mind-set, even if their former (female) partners are unlikely to welcome it (Meltzer, McNulty, & Maner, 2017).

I can't get over the fact that one of the explanations proposed in the discussion is essentially "he wants to tap that ass again"

Cactus2711 · 2024-04-03T21:54:19+00:00

I always make a detailed list of every reason why the relationship ended. Then during that moment I’m feeling nostalgic for her I can sit down and read through it. It immediately snaps me back to seeing her as she really is, rather than the fantasy version I’ve created in my head

MiddleZealousideal89 · 2024-04-03T21:26:49+00:00

I'd say I'm on good terms with most of my exes. We'll chat if we run into each other, we'll occasionally message on social media, and I hang out with one of them if we're both visiting home at the same time. I do have a couple of people that I can hardly say anything nice about but they're the exception, not the rule. When I think about it, most people I know tend to be pretty similar - they've got mostly nice things to say about their previous partners but there's always one or two people they've dated that can fuck right off.

bluepvtstorm · 2024-04-03T23:01:26+00:00

I have had really good relationships with all my exes except one. That dude can burn in the fires of Mordor, then he can cross the desert naked covered in honey so the fire ants can nibble at his nether regions followed by some time as Prometheus once the ants are done with him.

Everyone else is a fond memory.

Over_Noise3530 · 2024-04-04T03:19:24+00:00

Because usually if a guy comes back it's because he couldn't find new 🙀. I'm not going to be someone's backup plan

somewot_anonymous · 2024-04-03T21:50:50+00:00

Yeah, I'd agree with this. I'm not attracted to any of my exes anymore. A couple of them have tried to get back in there, but once I'm done, I'm DONE. The thought of being intimate with any of them gives me the ick.

Ppdebatesomental · 2024-04-03T21:37:50+00:00

There is an ex that is truly a vague and distant memory that honestly fails to register on my radar, two who I’ll always be enormously fond of (I just found out recently that an ex Str died and left two little girls😢) and one who I really don’t ever want anything to do with, ironically the one I had loved the most. So “it depends “. I think at some point, you can need to tune out the good parts in order to be able to move on. The breakup was just too painful. It would be like me remembering how beautiful the ride was before the car went off the cliff.

Legitimate_Type_1324 · 2024-04-04T04:49:59+00:00

Mixed bag.

Orangematcha · 2024-04-03T21:28:42+00:00

There are a multitude of factors. I’d say men have a harder time getting over exes. As this sub knows men have it harder getting dates/ laid, so they reminisce about what they had as they try to move on. Women don’t go through that withdrawal. They’re okay with being single or get dates faster to get over it.

Exes are exes for a reason. You don’t need to like them or hate them.

wtknight · 2024-04-03T23:04:44+00:00

Maybe it's because more women than men initiate breakups?

Or maybe it's because the men think about the past sex much more than women do?

I personally don't want anything to do with my exes. They are exes for a reason. If things had been meant to work out with them, then they would have.

ArmariumEspata · 2024-04-03T23:05:19+00:00

Is it possible that women may just have worse experiences with their exes? Abuse, being cheated on, etc.

DumbWordsmith · 2024-04-03T22:20:27+00:00

I think a lot of women fall in love with masculine archetypes (i.e., muh type), not individuals. IMO once a woman sees a man for who he is (after he strays too far away from the man in her imagination) and falls out of love, she may lose all respect for him and see him as a fraud.

spaffjizz · 2024-04-03T22:53:13+00:00

I can relate.

I know that I enjoyed time with my exes, including sex. Hell, that's why I was with them.

However, I broke up with them for a reason and those reasons mean I have 'the ick'when I see them. In short, the memories are sullied.

I had one break up that was incredibly sad but not toxic, and I still really fancied him and held on to the good memories. Fortunately, we did get back together.

Gilmoregirlin · 2024-04-03T21:37:10+00:00

I think a big part of this is that women mix sex and love together as one, or at least sex and feelings and men do not, they can generally keep them separate. So if the love or feelings are no longer there for a woman, neither is the sexual attraction. But for men sexual attraction, while it can be combined with emotions and love for them, it does not have to. I can say with certainty that I am no longer sexually attracted to any of my exes.

president_at_gmails · 2024-04-03T23:37:19+00:00

Stone age explanation:

Man: that woman has my semen, therefore might have my baby - I feel great for spreading my genes

Woman: that man ran from his responsibility of caring for his (potential) baby and protecting the mother - he's bad

CasseroleTruck · 2024-04-03T22:02:50+00:00

The blue-piller in me would say it's b/c women focus all their attention and affection on one man at a time so if she's no longer with him I could see why the feelings are not there, but we all know that's not necessarily true.

Maybe women do more self-talk in convincing themselves how wrong their ex was for them and so they are unable to see their exes as anymore than nothing after that, who knows. My relationship with my exes have been cordial but predictably distant. It's almost like if you shared a deep intimate connection before and you separate then it's hard if not impossible to have that person around esp if you are in a new or different relationship. Just drums up a lot of emotions and memories, the bad memories are bad and the good ones become bittersweet and invite things you never planned on revisiting.

MistyMaisel · 2024-04-04T01:55:16+00:00

Women initiate more break-ups. It's easy to have fondness and nostalgia if you would never have ended things.
Men are more disagreeable, so they were expressing more of their upsets, negatives, annoyances, frustrations, and so forth during the course of the relationship. Women being agreeable means they were often bottling it up or not expressing it or expressing it in more delicate and nice ways. So there's still a lot of pent up anger, resentment, and frustration poisoning any of the potential good that may or may not have been there for women. I know I have so many rants and criticisms I bit back then that still are living somewhere in my psyche wanting to call them up just to unload on them like an atomic bomb of hate, resentment, and frustration.
Going by my own life, my exs should remember me fondly, that's like being a stray three legged cat and remembering the person who rescued you fondly. I fixed those dudes up. 2/3 can say they finished college and got jobs directly because of me and my influence. 3/3 can say I drastically improved their personal style and hygiene. 3/3 can say I greatly improved their confidence in themselves, their self-esteem, and their self-image. 1/3 can say he avoided the pitfalls of drugs and alcohol. The list of concrete and immaterial ways I drastically improved their lives could go on and on. Honestly, other than learning about how not to have a relationship and some trivial pursuit tier shit...the only thing I can thank an ex for is my love of punk music. Which isn't nothing, but, it really doesn't compare to the Mona Lisa I turned that lunatic into. Of course I'm not super fond of them, I don't have a lot besides some tainted moments to look back on. They can look at their houses and educations and say, "boy, I'm glad that girl was in my life at that moment and had a good head on her shoulder when I didn't". All I've got to say is, "boy, I'm really glad he was so angry and liked the Sex Pistols". And maybe men feel this way too, I dunno, but I feel like I gave so much more to the dudes I was with than they ever gave to me.
Looking back at our exs, we often feel incredibly stupid. I think men often have the whole way women date completely backwards for the most part. Most women are insecure and we date chuckleheads who are barely tolerable fixer uppers when we're young. Most of us settle down with men miles beyond that or Chad/Chad-lights when we finally get some confidence and self-esteem and security. You're thinking of fondness and attraction, I can't even figure out why I thought liking the same video game was a good reason to date that mediocre looking nerd who bought me a birthday present he wanted. I can't even figure out how I tolerated that Eastern European Sociopath Cliche that couldn't stop talking about Napoleon and criticizing me. Why on earth did I give the last guy a year, he couldn't even brush his hair and only ever ate chicken finger based meals. WAS I A MORON? I WAS A MORON. I HAVE DEFINITIVE PROOF OF ME BEING A MORON. They are the Sistine Chapel to my stupidity and insecurity.
I was never that attracted to most of them so that's probably not helping things. But they're even worse now for sure. How I kissed or held them, I'll never know. Never. I plead insanity.
The problem with those fond memories is that kind of like 500 days of Summer, when you really look back for real, you see all the holes and cracks and problems that eventually broke you up already forming. All the things you didn't see then because you were stupid or in love or whatever, they're so obviously there. It's like the elephant in the room you couldn't see before is now big and elephanting all over your pleasant memories. I want to love the picnic make out memory, but I can see how I planned everything, how I arranged everything, how little he contributed, how much he didn't appreciate, how much he was just in it to have a quirky girlfriend, how much we had nothing to talk about, how much all we did was fight because of his autism, how desperate I was to have a fun romantic time, how I got home and felt so lonely and unseen and it was the first time I started to think this wasn't going to work. I wanna love a good laugh or a lay about or the first time saying I love you, but I cannot unsee the elephant of whatever broke us up already there plain as day and obvious. It was always there. *Maybe men are better at compartmentalizing this away or don't analyze why things failed as much.*

ta1901 · 2024-04-03T21:11:18+00:00

Lol. M54 here. Well the study didn't include me. There's a reason I broke up with them. And I wouldn't go back to them either.

Also, women tend to make more emotional memories which really stay with them, as emotions are more central to the average woman's life. Of course there are some exceptions too. This is also why women tend to remember happy dates like birthdays or anniversaries, they make an emotional memory.

Emotional memories can be from bad things and trauma as well.

Men can have emotional memories as well about various things.

NOTE: the phrases "women tend" and "average woman's life" are generalizations. This automatically implies there are exceptions to the generalization. Generalizations are not absolutes. There is no such thing as "All X are Y." There is only your own experience which may not be so stellar. :)

funfacts_82 · 2024-04-04T12:51:37+00:00

Its not a secret. Women trashtalk their exes to hamster away their own issues.

WilliamWyattD · 2024-04-04T15:50:39+00:00

Not saying it is true, but it should be more considered as a possibility. Occam's Razor would suggest that maybe the simple reason that men remember their female exes better than the other way around is that women treat their partners better and/or provide more value with the relationship than the other way around, on average. This would dovetail with an Occam's Razor explanation of why women initiate divorce more: again, because men are doing more of the bad shit.

Obvious_Smoke3633 · 2024-04-03T23:10:13+00:00

Look at the rates of domestic violence against women. Who is thinking of their abuser fondly? Especially after some time has passed? I have one ex I genuinely hate, and I hope horrible things happen in his life. He spent 2 years of his life doing everything he possibly could to keep me broke, isolated, and miserable while constantly attempting to SA me. Why the fuck would I miss that?

Safinated · 2024-04-03T21:29:03+00:00

Sex is always a good thing for men, which is why they’re always in their ex’s dms looking for a repeat

SecondEldenLord · 2024-04-04T00:27:52+00:00

Qomenbare well known for holding a grudge, so I would not be surprised there. Men usually have a more "I don't care" attitude.

SlothMonster9 · 2024-04-04T08:38:29+00:00

I've said it multiple times that men are more impressed by their exes than women. So I wish everyone would just shut up about the alpha-widow and pair-bonding bullshit. It seems these apply more to men than women.

rpujoe · 2024-04-04T12:19:18+00:00

Look up the light-switch effect.

DarmakJalad · 2024-04-04T15:59:22+00:00

This is not surprising. Ive noticed a pattern when men tend to be more romantic and idealistic when it comes to longing/that which they do not have (or no longer have) and when when it comes new relationships, but less romantic/attentive than women when it comes to established relationships, which is something that has the potential to be received as hurtful and color how women perceive and remember the relationship.

Women’s reflection is more likely to include the dynamics and hurts (which can be on both sides) that lead to the demise of the relationships, whereas men can be more likely to view the past with rose colored glasses. Needless to say, lust and scarcity can also affect how people view past relationships and partners.

rhz10 · 2024-04-04T04:55:44+00:00

Perhaps that has to do with women initiating more breakups than men and having a backup plan

https://www.cbsnews.com/philadelphia/news/poll-more-than-half-of-women-have-a-plan-b/

apresonly · 2024-04-03T21:11:48+00:00

can easily be explained by women treating their partners better than men do

you'd have to establish a baseline of similar treatment in order to talk about what the differences in outcomes means.

Consistent_Ad3181 · 2024-04-03T22:01:22+00:00

This sub is like MGTOW light. Just under the radar. Same themes same discussion just under a different heading. Not a bad thing and it gets around the ban.

Suspicious-Tax-5947 · 2024-04-04T10:51:46+00:00

Interestingly guys are better suited for long term relationships than women are. Women say that they are all about LTRs / marriage, but famously, they often change their mind . . .

Many women are not capable of maintaining attraction to one guy over long periods of time. When they divorce / break-up with their partner, it is because of their internally-driven loss of attraction to the guy. The chores, 'emotional availability', 'living my best life', are all just unintentional or intentional cover stories for the real issue.

Crimson-Pilled · 2024-04-04T00:28:54+00:00

Women love men for what they do. A man who can do nothing for them is worthless.

Men love women for who they are. She may fail in the relationship, but there will remain many aspects he still enjoys.

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Radiant_Let_5440 · 2024-04-03T21:06:28+00:00

Tf is the light switch effect?

Good_Result2787 · 2024-04-03T21:09:58+00:00

When you say "if I ever" do you mean that you've met exes before and this has been the result? Just clarifying what you mean here. I think it also depends on how we define "indifferent". You say you tend to remember good moments and think of them fondly; does this translate into direct actions or behaviors from you when you meet the exes? I ask because you mention them being cold or indifferent and I assume you're very warm, in your own estimation.

I'm still on good terms with exes and we would both be cordial to each other when meeting, but I don't think either of us would describe the other as somehow being overtly warm or friendly in any way other than just what is expected of two people being polite to one another. Just my experience of course. I would not expect them to be downright mean, but I wouldn't expect them to be either turned off or on or any of that either since we no longer have such a relationship.

blebbyroo · 2024-04-04T04:20:39+00:00

I can think fondly on the good times with exes but the bad times mean I no longer find them attractive and would never have sex with them again.

Cethlinnstooth · 2024-04-04T05:51:59+00:00

I get on well with one of my exes and we see each other regularly just as friends. I left him because the relationship wasn't going to anywhere good for anyone and he refused to see the truth of it. I have no intention of stepping back into that nonsense but I'm fairly sure he'd take me back in a heartbeat. Not gonna happen, we are both better off apart and someone needed the common sense to make that call on the future of the relationship...that someone was me

My other ex is currently incoherent in his opinion despite it being thirty years after the separation. It seems to depend on his mood of the moment and how he's trying to be perceived by others. Apparently, by all reports, he's equally likely to rant violently about how evil I am or cry in a maudlin fashion about how wonderful I am. Unsurprisingly I want him nowhere near me.

LovesGettingRandomPm · 2024-04-04T13:17:15+00:00

It's about how men and women handle their emotions, this is what I've noticed men are more executive when dealing with feelings, it keeps those feelings around and they can fester but you're not doing anything magical to change your mood, you just push through it, this is how a man is expected to handle his feelings, just push through..

Women are more practical and involved, perhaps they feel their emotions more heavily and so any solution becomes a good solution as long as it's resolved, for that reason being angry at an ex is a great way to resolve feelings of heartbreak, it's not perfect but it works, I see men and women use this solution, but women more, how it works is you have to pick something they fucked up and blame them for it and no one party is ever blameless in a relationship

Lilrip1998 · 2024-04-04T15:45:17+00:00

I have a few exes I'm on good terms with. They were usually right person wrong time scenarios. I've never really been broken up with lol I guess ghosted during talking phases a few times (but I ignore those guys when they reappear).

However the majority of my exes became exes because they did something that made me so angry I fully excommunicated them from my life. I'm not someone who commits quickly or leaves over nothing. It was usually a pattern of bad behavior that I expressed issue with over and over again and finally hit my breaking point.

They almost always try to reach out a few months later, usually when they see you thriving on socials (everytime an ex has reappeared for me it's when I've started seeing someone else or got a new job) and that's when I block them on everything.

If I am initiating the breakup you're probably dead to me lmao.

Flightlessbirbz · 2024-04-04T17:34:09+00:00

Women’s desire for sex with someone is far more variable based on the overall state of the relationship with said person. If someone is an ex, that means the relationship broke down at some point, and along with it, her desire for intimacy with the ex. Men on the other hand, tend to see sex as always a good thing so long as they’re at least somewhat physically attracted to the person. Aka, “doesn’t matter, had sex.”

Of course I’m not saying men are just cavemen, they have emotions too and can definitely feel hurt by an ex. It just seems that women have more of a self-protection mechanism here, probably due to the greater cost of reproduction from an evolutionary standpoint. There’s also a social stigma against “being stupid and choosing the wrong guy” that I think makes a lot of women feel kind of foolish for ever staying with their exes in the first place.

I know personally, I have had exes try to get back with me and tried to give it another shot, but there was an automatic “ick” that caused me to want no intimacy with them again even though I did in the past.

HumpsyDumpsy · 2024-04-04T18:08:44+00:00

I agree! I recently had a dude friend I was casual with. And throughout the time we were involved, he'd talk about several of his exes to me, and share the memories. Unless she cheated on him, he still thought somewhat highly of them and even kept in contact, in spite of their differences.

Although this is one dude, I've found this somewhat consistent with other mens' stories. Which makes sense because I guess that's how some couples are "on again, off again"

CountMandrake · 2024-04-05T03:24:28+00:00

Yeah... No.

But to each their own right?

I just tend to remember why I left them honestly. And "the sex sucked, dear Lord how could have wasted so much time?" is a consistent flashback, not gonna lie.

However, lots of girlfriends got hotter after I left. It just that knowing how much the sex sucked makes me not want to come back again.

HighestTierMaslow · 2024-04-05T03:54:17+00:00

Not in my experience. Most of my exes and husband don't have exes they view fondly.

stlmick · 2024-04-05T08:57:47+00:00

Except for two of them for sure. Anyone else, I'd answer the messages. Two of them I wish I'd never met and would politely and effectively exit the situation if I encountered them.

Murky-Finish1733 · 2024-04-08T04:31:29+00:00

Because most of these duds can get shit so they associate “fondly” as a good thing rather it their low self worth and shitty existence that brings them back to their ex

Senfor69 · 2024-04-03T21:21:40+00:00

Women lie

We are so good at lying that we even lie to ourselves

You probably see posts where some women with promiscous past always says that the one she got now is the best of them all or how every women have abusive asshole boyfriend or something.Or this ONS doesn't count didn't like him anyway.On vacation didn't happen hihi

I think both are lying to themselves but believe in this type of reason. So women are more prone to make their exes into assholes with defects to make themselves better about current guy probably

Lilrip1998 · 2024-04-04T15:44:43+00:00

I have a few exes I'm on good terms with. They were usually right person wrong time scenarios.

However there have been times where I've dumped an ex they did something that made me so angry I fully excommunicated them from my life. I'm not someone who commits quickly or leaves over nothing. It was usually a pattern of bad behavior that I expressed issue with over and over again and finally hit my breaking point.

They almost always try to reach out a few months later and that's when I block them on everything.

If I am initiating the breakup you're probably dead to me lmao.

No-Weather-3140 · 2024-04-04T18:14:31+00:00

Women are over dramatic

someonefromspace- · 2024-06-30T17:48:54+00:00

Not one ex do I think fondly of. Even if we maintain some sort of a relationship, which is rare. When I take a chance to have a relationship and it doesn't work out- the friendship goes with. I don't think mixing past intimate circumstances with friendship or social dynamics is positive. I think of the emotional pain I felt for whatever reason during the end or the relationship and that's what I remember. I remember actions and how they made me feel. Most people want fond memories for sex or to make it seem like no one got hurt or things are fine. No. Fond memories negate responsibilities. Every fond memory I had now equals pain and regret. Sorry.

Successful-Gene5455 · 2024-08-23T02:06:26+00:00

Oh back in the days when people blindly openly loved the pedophile pillars and all hated victims... ah, of course. Their exes are always something the recent gf has to bow down to and eat shit, dirt and cancer for.

Successful-Gene5455 · 2024-08-23T02:06:52+00:00

Then a switch turns in the men's heads and they are attracted to teens and children over the innocence.

AdEffective7894s · 2024-04-03T21:19:39+00:00

Women hate us dude.

They also kinda hate men they leave abd who leave them

If they leave us it's never because they feel like we deserve better. It's because they deserve better.

If we leave them the narrative is " how dare he"

It implies a level of egotism that society simply doesn't break in women they way they break it in men.

TheDerInDisorder · 2024-04-04T08:11:15+00:00

Eh, pointing out any difference in behavior is just an invitation for women to simultaneously say it's not true while also claiming that if it was true that it's actually because they are so cool it had to be that way. Maybe that's why I get along with most of my exes. I refuse to talk with them about anything deeper than their cervix.

Agile-Explanation263 · 2024-04-04T02:18:16+00:00

Men desperately want to be wanted. An ex is just a reminder that you werent and maybe aren't deserving of another chance, men take thier status as thier worth and alot of men get so little attention from women they think they only have but 1 or a few chances.

For women its hard for them to deny thier worth. What I mean is during issues of self esteem during a break up a man is almost sure of his negative worth a woman is second guessing herself. Add onto this how quickly one can actually get access to another relationship and there you have it. Negative or positive reinforcement.

Agile-Explanation263 · 2024-04-04T02:37:41+00:00

Women only date up. Either they fabricate parts of the dude they think are better thab you and THINK they're dating up or they actually date up and most of your memories together are lesser to her than her future with him.

Cablepussy · 2024-04-04T04:19:28+00:00

Same reason men don’t compare pussies but women compare dick size, different brains.

oldjar7 · 2024-04-03T23:48:08+00:00

Women are more egotistical. It's a bigger hit to their ego if things don't work out in most cases than it is to a man's ego. I remember the good moments too and don't think particularly ill of my ex.

Study shows men view their ex partners much more fondly than women do, matches up with my experience. What are your thoughts?

Comments

2 that would be the higher trait neuroticism speaking, I think. Men let things go because of being lower in that is my read. I also think in general in part because women have a tendency to be more people centric, we take offenses from people harder.

3 Lmao.

Title	Study shows men view their ex partners much more fondly than women do, matches up with my experience. What are your thoughts?
Author	HTML_Novice
Upvotes	111
Comments	432
Date	April 3, 2024 8:55 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1bv40bd/study_shows_men_view_their_ex_partners_much_more/
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