Do abusive men have good personalities?

Excellent_Badger123 · 2026-05-31T05:50:47+00:00

My father was very charismatic, well liked and a respected leader in our community. He had a “good personality” to everyone outside of his own family. He was a mean alcoholic at home. He cheated on my mother and controlled her every move by financial means so she couldn’t leave him. He treated his children extremely badly. I emancipated myself and left home at 16 to get away from him. He didn’t have trouble attracting women to cheat with but anyone who was unfortunate enough to be in his private orbit and under his direct control suffered abuse. Public facing behavior/personality vs private was starkly different.

Ronniebbb · 2026-05-31T02:18:10+00:00

Yes, there was a guy I went to school with. He was extremely charming, charismatic, hilarious etc. to everybody he was the perfect "good guy" always helpful and supportive. Behind closed doors he was raping and beating his gf, it took ages to get her away from him.

My biological grandfather was the same way, ppl were shocked at him being a abusive shit head to my nonna, because he was such a stand up guy.

Many abusive men and women, know how to lie and manipulate and hind the evil. To draw ppl in and establish a network of victims and supporters.

ChadChasingBReturns · 2026-05-31T02:16:04+00:00

Some have them. They’re charming, funny, and socially skilled. That has nothing to do with their behaviour towards women. My husband has a fantastic personality. Everyone loves being around him and he treats me like a queen. The looks and social skills/personality are step one. After that you vet for character while getting to know them more.

AngeAware · 2026-05-31T02:55:07+00:00

We kind of need to start by nailing down what a "good personality" even is. My understanding of the term has always been distinct from good character or good morals. In fact an immoral person with a good personality is arguably one of the trickiest and potentially dangerous sorts of people to deal with, because many people fall in love with the good/fun parts of them so hard they wind up deep in denial when it comes to the negatives.

I kind of grew up with it under my own roof in the form of my own older sister. Her ability to make people not only love her but completely devote themselves to her from a young age is like straight-up witchcraft at times. She can fuck people over again and again, many of them will stick around and keep giving her chances. Friends, romantic partners, you name it. That's just how it's always been.

I can safely say I'm a better person than her in terms of morals but in terms of personality she is far more charismatic, confident, witty, and exciting to be around than me. I have my people, thanks to a lot of effort with coming out of my shell and putting myself out there, but I'm never going to have as many people as she has throughout her life. She has the "better personality" in that sense.

HungryDepth5918 · 2026-05-31T02:31:56+00:00

Being charismatic isnt the same thing as having a great personality

pie-mart · 2026-05-31T02:38:55+00:00

The intelligent ones know how to be likeable to their social group

They often become public figures known for good. (Teachers, counselors, coaches, priests/pastors)

My ex was so kind to everyone. And would treat me differently in front of different people. Around this one guy (who was a rapist himself to his ex gf and really abusive... didn't find out until a few years later) he would try and act dominant to me in front of this guy.

And he would be sweet and soft with me in private (when he was being normal)

He would yell and belittle and manipulate me away from the public eye. And convince my very young self that this was how all relationships were like. And that we were a better couple because we went through more stuff.

They don't have "good" personalities. They are good at faking them.

theminxisback · 2026-05-31T02:12:42+00:00

They tend to be pretty good about keeping their masks on. And some abusers even wait years before acting on it.

Abusive men tend to be rather charismatic, charming, very carefully designed public personas, they also know how to manipulate.

The trauma bond from stockholm syndrome is harder to withdraw from than heroin. And it takes an average of 7 times before a victim officially escapes their abusers.

Not to mention, many don't make it out alive. I am still shocked I did.

PlantRake · 2026-05-31T03:14:33+00:00

I had some experience with an abusive man. I didn’t date him I’m related to him by marriage only, he started out kind and slowly he began nitpicking me at family gatherings. Maybe I didn’t use the best word to describe something so he would unnecessarily correct me. Obviously I thought this was weird but I let it go because I didn’t want to cause drama in our family. Slowly our interactions escalated into verbal abuse. He insulted my body when I was pregnant, and lastly, what I couldn’t ignore, he told me I was trash that shouldn’t be alive. So obviously I do not go to many family gatherings anymore on that side of the family. Some people try to encourage my husband to still have a relationship with him but he’s uninterested. So yeah initially i thought he was fun and a descent person. I no longer think that. It would be harder to be abusive if it wasn’t a slow burn so to get away with it you almost have to be charming.

half_avocado33 · 2026-05-31T02:12:42+00:00

Abusive men who attract women have atractive personalities. They can be funny, charming, know how to flirt, have great social skills.

toad-wrangler · 2026-05-31T02:20:48+00:00

People can have anything from a very likeable to very unlikeable personality and be abusive towards someone. Abusiveness isn't a personality trait.

Men that abuse women don't automatically have exceptional personalities. I don't even know what an exceptional personality is.

-Shes-A-Carnival · 2026-05-31T03:23:13+00:00

I understand that no one knows what "good personality " means anymore, and think "good" means "moral" and personality is the psychology term, but yhe answer is "yes, sometimes they do, and if not a "good" personality they often have sexy a masculine personality"

why would "being abusive" preclude a "good personality"? abusive men are often funny, charming, engaging, commanding extroverted centers of attention

cb8585b · 2026-05-31T02:34:55+00:00

“Abusive” is not a fixed personality trait, these are actions and patterns of behaviour. Where abuse stems from whether that’s personality traits or whatever other underlying factors will vary. These questions also always assume human beings are one dimensional.

purplejellyotter · 2026-05-31T02:13:26+00:00

Some of the most abusive men I've met have been super charming and intelligent yet always came across as great guys initially.

Significant-Pack-714 · 2026-05-31T02:44:26+00:00

You are thinking “bad” as in morally bad and “good” personalities as morally good.

The longer you know people, the more your opinion on their personality aligns with and is influenced by their morals. But when you first meet people, what people generally think of when you say personality is having social skills. People with “good personalities “ are often not good people.

baller696969balls · 2026-05-31T05:23:14+00:00

Not necessarily all of them. I dont know many abusers, thank god, but the ones that I am aware of are incredibly good at making women feel “special”. Personality and public likability is debatable, but fuck if they aren’t insanely charismatic and catering towards their partners.

Acrobatic-Monk9735 · 2026-05-31T02:49:45+00:00

Abuse is often just dysfunctional men. Abuse is on a spectrum that ranges from things like calling your girlfriend a bitch when angry or pouting when you don’t get sex to full on rape and beatings. Many men think that just because they aren’t at the extreme of raping and beating a woman, that they are not abusive. But they can still be.

ThatBitchA · 2026-05-31T02:23:07+00:00

What makes you think that men who actually abuse women have exceptional personalities, but lonely men who hurt literally no one are so awful that you infer their awful personalities based on literally nothing?

The lonely men make posts like this completely ignoring the context and nuances behind abusive relationships.

I'm basing their awful personality off the fact that they ignore that people who comes from abusive households are more likely to end up in abusive relationships as adults.

I'm basing their awful personality off the fact they are blaming women for falling for a man pretending to be one way only to change slowly overtime to an abusive partner.

I'm listening when the lonely man who shows their awful personality via comments online.

PositionStandard6089 · 2026-05-31T16:20:29+00:00

people, men and women, can stay stuck in abusive cycles. a young woman watches her father treat her mother and/or other women as less than or disposable. it can normalize abusive behavior. she might have a much harder time discerning what is a red flag and what isn't.

also people (men in this case) who are abusive can be manipulative liars. depending on the person and circumstance, they can be way more likely to tell a woman what she wants to hear to lock her down and to get access to her. a normal, non abusive man like you is not going to do that. you're not going to lie and misrepresent who you are. that's a good thing. but then the manipulator ends up with a girlfriend. so it looks like he "won". but his means to an end are unethical.

ihatesmelly · 2026-05-31T04:05:09+00:00

Yep. A lot of them are extremely charming and charismatic, and intellectual. Know how to make you laugh and smile and feel amazing. The abuse doesn’t start off as abuse outright, it starts as testing your boundaries and seeing what you will put up with in the honeymoon stage. This progresses to true behaviours, and a year or two down the track out of the honeymoon period or when locked down with a ring/marriage/kids, abuse.

It’s about not looking through the rose tinted glasses and voicing concerns from the get go. If something’s too good to be true it most likely is.

NiaMiaBia · 2026-05-31T03:29:04+00:00

Ladies. PLEASE do not answer. OP is not here to learn.

OP: WTF do you think? You think abusers show up to the first date and knock her out? 😐 so you think Scott Peterson had a good personality? How about Chris Watts? How about OJ? People seemed to like him.

JadeGrapes · 2026-05-31T02:42:13+00:00

This is like asking if Jeffrey Dahlmer would be a good chef.

Technically, he does seem to have the ability to break down a carcass, and technically store it and heat it...

But no normal person is AIMING at that. It might be eating, but not exactly a winner.

RelativeCondition915 · 2026-05-31T22:34:01+00:00

https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/am-i-a-good-partner/?%3E

Afraid_Fondant_7903 · 2026-05-31T02:19:18+00:00

i mean depends on ur definition of good. if u mean kind then by very nature no they don’t have good personalities because you can’t be kind and abusive. if you mean charismatic and funny then yes u can have a good personality and be abusive

LaFrescaTrumpeta · 2026-05-31T05:47:15+00:00

some do, some don’t, bit of “survivor bias” in terms of us knowing about abusive men who get in relationships and abuse compared to abusive people who can’t get in relationships to abuse and therefore aren’t part of most statistics, that’s a very big element to this that rarely even gets acknowledged. also some who do get in relationships have horrible personalities from the jump and just end up with hyperattached low self esteem partners, especially if they’ve been abused by others in the past. and finally it’s worth rounding this off with the fact that all of this applies to men and women who abuse or are abused.

RelativeYak7 · 2026-05-31T02:57:05+00:00

I think most men abuse women so I just think it is an innate characteristic in the majority of men.

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love_in_october · 2026-05-31T09:51:57+00:00

Sometimes abusers can appear to have exceptional personalities. I've known a couple of people who I later found out (reliably) were abusing someone. They came across as perfectly lovely, friendly and charming. I never would've guessed it was them. It's a well-known tactic of abusers to act extra lovely until their victim is/feels trapped, and to love bomb in between incidents of abuse so you feel there is a wonderful partner hidden in there.

Other people might be drawn into more obvious abuse. It's quite sad, but they tend to come from backgrounds where that's the only expression of love they know and/or trust. Usually they have been abused by caregivers and/or their caregivers have abused each other. Such people may be prone to expressing abusive behaviours themselves.

NoDanaOnlyZuuI · 2026-05-31T19:47:36+00:00

This only makes sense if you have absolutely no understanding of how abusive relationships work.

Abusers don’t come out swinging on the first date. They love bomb, manipulate, isolate, and gradually erode their partner’s self-esteem. That’s why people are constantly shocked when they find out someone’s abusive. “But he seemed so nice” is practically a cliché at this point.

The fact that an abusive man got into a relationship isn’t proof he had a great personality. It’s proof that abuse is often hidden until the victim is emotionally attached and much harder to leave.

You’re comparing your public perception of abusive men to the private reality of abusive relationships, and those are not the same thing.

Almost every woman knows a woman who’s been harassed, assaulted, stalked, or abused. Yet somehow men never seem to know any men who do those things. The more likely explanation isn’t that these men don’t exist. It’s that abusers are often very good at controlling how other people see them.

Tess27795 · 2026-05-31T21:37:13+00:00

What you say does not sound very insightful. You also seem willing to blame women for the problem.

I expect the physical abusers are better maskers and there are women who repeat childhood trauma without being conscious of it.

Altruistic_Look_7868 · 2026-05-31T10:41:02+00:00

What a stupid question. They may wear a mask for some time, but it'll slip eventually once they get a women comfortable in his presence.

Routine-Present-3676 · 2026-05-31T18:27:05+00:00

I don't think abusive men have exceptional personalities. Wtf? Where did you get this? Having an exceptional personality would include not harming others because you don't know how to deal with your emotions.

Title	Do abusive men have good personalities?
Author	SouthernUral
Upvotes	29
Comments	342
Date	May 31, 2026 2:05 AM UTC (2 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1tsi7lf/do_abusive_men_have_good_personalities/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/do-abusive-men-have-good-personalities.1581701 https://theredarchive.com/post/1581701

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