Men, why won't you commit?

TomRabbit67 · 2024-05-07T22:53:20+00:00

Funny enough, as a man who just recently got back in the dating scene, I see these same things from a lot of women. It feels like a lot of people in general are just looking for “situationships” these days, like they’re trapped in this state of perpetual adolescence without any inclination to seek out a partner to build a family with.

NockerJoe · 2024-05-07T23:08:14+00:00

I know plenty of dudes who want relationships. They're the ones usually struggling to get a first date.

biscuitcatapult · 2024-05-07T22:39:29+00:00

As short and vague as possible: Because she’s good enough for now, but doesn’t have what I need for the next step.

untamed-italian · 2024-05-08T00:39:29+00:00

Men, why won't you commit?

It's practically always because you failed to make us feel safe and desired enough to commit.

Some things that came up: Partners of +5 years not wanting to propose/get married despite initially agreeing on it

If they actually agreed to marry, they'd be husbands already. That's how marraige works. They probably said it was on the table, and they're probably sticking around because they still see potential for it, but haven't popped the question because they themselves don't have a positive answer for it yet.

Can't just leave pressure on him for half a decade and expect him to respond positively to that, he has to see that life with you will be a good life.

Guys on dating apps lying about their intentions, claiming they want relationships but then seeing multiple women and not liking 'labels'

Again, they do this because they don't feel safe and secure enough to be direct. Probably because being direct has done them serious harm in the past.

LTR breaking up because the guy doesn't want to get married or have kids, but then within 2 years he's engaged and with a kid on the way

This is very obviously a case of the exgf not meeting his standards. It is ok for men to have standards that many or most women cannot meet, if those are the standsrds that make him happy why would you want him to break them anyway?

Guys that want non-escalating relationships, AKA never moving in together and being perpetually in the dating stage

This IS a commitment, a commitment to remain at arm's length. It just isn't the specific commitment you want, but at least this guy is direct about wanting it.

So my question to guys is, assuming you're in a good relationship

Do not assume this. In fact, never assume this! When relationships are good it is because no one is taking them for granted.

So my question to guys is, assuming you're in a good relationship, what would / holds you back from committing to a relationship?

Frankly, if I feel like the lady is too busy speaking for me to listen to me. If I feel like she does not respect my time or contributions. If I feel pressured into it because she "just want it now".

If I feel anything less than absolute confidence I will never regret the proposal, then I won't propose. It's that simple.

DisplacedBitzer · 2024-05-08T01:07:30+00:00

When you give the pretense of a “good relationship”, I’m conflicted. Men who are happy with it don’t have commitment issues. Maybe a good relationship from a woman’s perspective isn’t from the man’s. I’ve had this experience dating a girl where I told her I didn’t think things were going well, and she was genuinely shocked because she was really happy with me. Not a surprise honestly, I’m extremely high investment into anyone I date. From my perspective it was like, ‘no shit you’re happy, I’ve adjusted to your love languages and do what makes you happy, make you a priority, and always act right. You can’t even initiate grabbing my hand or kiss me, can’t text me, and can’t manage your time to see me regularly’. It’s all culminated to the point I’m still seeing her, but I’m no longer committed to her long term. I’m just not in the mood to be alone nor deal with dating again rn.

Im the saving myself for the right person type. Barely anyone dating is that type in my experience. I made a deal with myself I’d only marry a girl who is doing the same. Then for marriage, one of my worst fears is dead bedroom. I’d like to avoid being in a loveless marriage, so waiting a long time to make sure libidos are compatible is extremely important to me as well. Both are a little contradictory honestly.

Cactus2711 · 2024-05-08T04:34:18+00:00

She’s Miss right now, not Miss right

MikeArrow · 2024-05-07T23:36:49+00:00

In my previous relationship there were several factors that kept the relationship from progressing. In no particular order, they are:

She was the first and only girl to show interest in me, so I felt a sense of 'missing out' on any other potential options that I could have otherwise had. If I had been able to have a few relationships first I would have had a much stronger foundation of experience to know what it is I'd be missing out on by committing.
My career and finances were in poor shape. I had a degree but after several years of freelancing I wasn't really getting anywhere in my chosen industry. I wouldn't feel comfortable getting married and having kids without having a rock solid career and my own place first.
She wasn't in the best position financially either. So even if I had a rock solid career, if that faltered we'd be in real trouble.

TLDR: Finances and FOMO.

ChiBron86 · 2024-05-08T00:28:28+00:00

This is generally what's going on:

Fuck zoned/fwb/situationship? 99% chance she isn't attractive enough to date, just passable enough for sex

Wants to date multiple women? He's not that into you and thus keeping his options open. A guy who genuinely digs a girl would never jeopardize the relationship by verbalizing his intent to see other girls or admitting to seeing other girls.

Relationship doesn't progress beyond merely dating? Never forget, men value peace and freedom above everything else in the world. Living together/marriage is the antithesis of that. A woman would need to be over-the-top amazing in his eyes for him to go "you know what, I don't mind having you around all the fucking time".

treadmarks · 2024-05-07T22:52:29+00:00

I'd feel comfortable with marriage if she was everything I wanted. Thing is, past a certain age the good women are mostly already married. Everyone else is just good enough "for now."

Perfect_Sir4820 · 2024-05-08T02:31:24+00:00

If you actually want to figure out the individual motivations that make up the trend then you need to ask the right questions. Not "why won't men commit" but 1. Why are women so eager to get married, and 2. What's in it for the men?

Dorkology · 2024-05-07T22:58:04+00:00

There are all kinds of justifications for the points you've listed. But the reasons for not wanting to get married are simple.

1) They realized how absolutely destroyed men get in divorce court. 2) The significant other did something that removed their confidence that they're not likely to get divorced (i.e., destroyed).

This bleeds into living together due to some states that would say the man is liable in the same way as if they were married. And obviously effects not wanting kids due to men getting wrecked concerning custodial rights and child support.

Some other reasons not related to what I mentioned above revolve around things like...

1) Not wanting added responsibility. 2) Valuing his personal space. 3) Dropping morals to instead secure the ever increasing ease of access to sex (for those that are among the most sought after men).

just_a_place · 2024-05-08T06:11:39+00:00

Because committing to the gender that is politically, socially, legally, culturally, and biologically incentivized in every way possible to betray our commitment is a really fucking stupid idea. Even if the majority of men are only aware of such a danger at an unconscious level and just instinctively avoid it.

Women change their opinion over time. They fall out of love and then want a divorce (if married). All it takes is one bitch friend to turn a woman's opinion against any man. Who in their right mind would ever commit to any woman in such a precarious relationship where so many factors spell the end of him?

There are no such things as good relationships. There are only tolerable ones.

UnhappyInevitable680 · 2024-05-08T14:34:46+00:00

Women: sign my unfair contract Men: No thanks Women: Misogyny! Society: women right, men so bad, women awesome, men evil, everything is valid, except anything men say cuz men are oppressors Women: oh thanks society, you’re the best, you always tell me what I want to hear, I knew I wasn’t crazy Crumbling Society Today: maybe we took this too far

Gilaridon · 2024-05-08T14:42:36+00:00

My question is why isn't when women choose not to commit it's framed as empowering and freeing but when men choose not to commit its seen as insecure and immature?

MisterFunnyShoes · 2024-05-08T01:23:24+00:00

There’s no reason to let someone have power over you.

pence_secundus · 2024-05-08T01:00:35+00:00

As a man who eventually committed I can say it's because the vast majority of women are simply not worth it.

I was going on 1-3 new dates a week before I met my fiance, I was given the rare luxury of choice as a man and honestly the women I was meeting had next to nothing to offer as a partner.

NotARussianBot1984 · 2024-05-08T13:06:34+00:00

I'll happily commit to a young healthy happy woman. Never dated one, so I haven't committed.

But one day i'm sure I will, it might take moving to a new country to find her, but if you keep at it, working hard at a goal, it has a good chance of working out.

AFuzzyMuffin · 2024-05-08T14:38:28+00:00

You are picking terrible men. That’s why.

https://youtu.be/QLXhUKVd4fo?si=7sO-LShbVvWblmke

sixsevenrice · 2024-05-08T15:55:18+00:00

Why commit to modern women?

crownofthestars · 2024-05-07T22:50:48+00:00

When I was a bit younger, I had this problem twice. I honestly try not to regret it.

I can't speak for older guys with commitment problems, but as a man in his early and mid 20s, the idea of marrying was very difficult to swallow.

It's an old movie, but there's scene in The Bachelor, and you know he wants to commit to her and does care for her, but she can see it in his eyes, he's just not mature enough yet for this. His mind is still as a bachelor having fun.

Independent-Mail-227 · 2024-05-07T23:25:29+00:00

Partners of +5 years not wanting to propose/get married despite initially agreeing on it

Marriage to men is a scam

Guys on dating apps lying about their intentions, claiming they want relationships but then seeing multiple women and not liking 'labels'

It's make easier to get sex.

LTR breaking up because the guy doesn't want to get married or have kids, but then within 2 years he's engaged and with a kid on the way

He could end up impregnanting the woman by change and accepted the child, the original partner were not considered to be family material.

Guys that want non-escalating relationships, AKA never moving in together and being perpetually in the dating stage

They're chad, dating for men is just a money and time sink so the only kind of men that can do this is chad as he can just string women along with minimal effort.

assuming you're in a good relationship, what would / holds you back from committing to a relationship?

Marriage is a scam, I still don't know the other person enough to invest time and effort, she's not family material, I don't feel that is fair rising a child in the current area where men will be demonized or neutered and women will be state exponsored prostitutes.

AcephalicDude · 2024-05-07T22:31:52+00:00

It's not really a gender thing, it's really just that some people value their independence more than others.

Also some people have anxieties about the future. They could spend decades with a person so long as they do it one day at a time, but the moment you give them a projection of their foreseeable future they get freaked out.

I recently just experienced that myself. We just bought a house and signed a 40-year mortgage, and now I'm realizing that I'm probably gonna live in this house for the rest of my life and probably die in it. It's freaking me out a little bit, ngl.

AntonioSLodico · 2024-05-08T01:59:02+00:00

Almost every time I wouldn't commit or take a relationship to the next level, it was the same reason. They had a red flag or incompatibility that wasn't enough to walk away. I thought the issue could be resolved, but wasn't willing to take the next step until it was.

Example: She wanted us to move in together, but had credit card debt that wasn't going down and overdue bills she wasn't opening. For the record, we made about the same and I was saving money.

BoomTheBear86 · 2024-05-08T10:49:46+00:00

Back when I was in my prowling days there were a few factors:

1) Promiscuity. I don’t mean in the sense of strict body counts, but rather her approach to how she generated whatever number she had. Someone who generated a higher number with it arising from seemingly “normal” relationships would be more favourable than someone who generated less but they were spontaneous, with randoms and perhaps generated in quick periods of time rather than distributed.

2) Tendency towards a peaceful existence. So this would mean can I see me and this woman existing in shared space for a long period of time. Do I notice any habits or behaviours that irk me or notice she is irked by mine? If the answer is yes, commitment slides off the table.

3) dealbreakers. This is catch all time for any lifestyle choices/philosophical differences which would see me see them as not good for me in a sustained way, even if we interact pleasantly in the short term. So for example someone who takes drugs, or a single mother (at that point); perfectly lovely women who were fun to be with and date but not with intent.

When this was the case I always made my stance clear to these women if I didn’t see it going anywhere “serious”. Some would jump, others would agree anyway.

This way everyone knows what’s up.

I would never “suddenly drop” a woman I was casually seeing for someone else. If I felt inclination towards searching seriously, I’d usually end things with the woman prior. I was only generally open to these relationships at points in my life where finding “the long haul” was extremely low on my list of possibilities. Where it was higher, I’d generally avoid these casual relationships altogether.

8mm_Magnum_Cumshot · 2024-05-08T20:28:13+00:00

~~Men~~ Chads, why won't you commit?

fixed

tiddermacss · 2024-05-08T23:27:14+00:00

legalities surrounding divorces, paternity fraud.. and in general women not being held accountable whatsoever by law.. high risks low reward.. especially as women age

odd_cloud · 2024-05-07T23:13:14+00:00

I think, dating stage is a sweet spot for men, especially if he sees more than one woman. If the relationship advances, there are increasing responsibilities and decreasing benefits.

KorinTowerFreeloader · 2024-05-08T06:51:44+00:00

Guys on dating apps lying about their intentions, claiming they want relationships but then seeing multiple women and not liking 'labels'

These are the sort of guys that constitute the top 5-10% of all men and have options. Essentially, we are all biologically hardwired to want a LTR, and men are no different. Are there exceptions? Sure, like with everything else in life, but the vast majority wants a LTR IF they meet the right partner. I don't know any men in real life who wouldn't want a partner/wife when the right one comes along, but they date a lot and none of these girls are passing the threshold. They are seeing multiple girls to maximize the sex. I know one guy in particular who is attractive, with a good job, late twenties, and ever since I remember he always had girls lining up to date him, but he kept on just sleeping with them and it never progressed. These girls figured (bigger social circle, I know most of them as acquaintances) he just doesn't want a relationship, so they were all shocked to find out recently he started seeing a girl, didn't sleep with her right away like all of the others, and is now engaged to her within months. The moral of this story is as follows; men want a girlfriend/wife, they just don't want you. Of course, women can always find commitment, so if they are not finding it it's probably because they aim too high. Generally speaking, men can asses their SMV by the most attractive girl they can sleep with, and women by the most attractive guy they can get commitment from. The confusion is because women think that if they sleep with a 9 that must mean they are a 9. That's not how it works. As far as I know, that attractive guy I mentioned is with a woman considerably younger (20) and a virgin, which I guess is why he considered her as a more serious option.

LTR breaking up because the guy doesn't want to get married or have kids, but then within 2 years he's engaged and with a kid on the way

Pretty much the story of my friend above. He wants a LTR, just not with you in particular. As many other posters already mentioned, men would go to war over the sort of women they value for commitment. They would do anything. If they are not, there is a reason for it.

Guys that want non-escalating relationships, AKA never moving in together and being perpetually in the dating stage

That's the sort of relationship I like maintaining (and most guys) due to the limited high-value options. Casually dating, aka situationships. Gives me a steady, regular supply of sex while being on the lookout for more serious options, and still being able to hook up as well. The dating market is created by women, and men can only adapt. Therefore, anything you don't like can be changed by women. Don't want the situationships to happen? Don't do casual sex without commitment. Of course, that only works if you haven't done any before. Otherwise, it's just another case of the "epiphany" and you would become one of those cringe, fake conservatives who usually find Jesus in their late 20s/early 30s. I personally hate this current market, and would trade all of that for one high-value woman to commit to. I think most men do.

Of course, everything written here does not discuss you in particular, OP. I just answered these questions openly, trying to address these general questions.

LoopyPro · 2024-05-08T08:57:00+00:00

Why is secular marriage a requirement for commitment nowadays? in the last half century, it has been reduced to an expensive and empty gesture, especially with current laws. I'm perfectly fine with being together in a monogamous relationship and starting a family if it works out well. Unless there is a religious argument, I don't see how a contract with the government is magically going to seal the deal. The huge emphasis on marriage only makes me think the other person cares more about a wedding than a marriage, or is looking for a golden parachute if they ever decide to jump ship.

SlowEffective8146 · 2024-05-07T23:41:58+00:00

If a man isn't marrying, it could be any number of reasons but really marriage just doesn't benefit men anymore. I can't see any scenario where it makes sense as a man. Almost half of marriages fail, women initiate divorce a HUGE majority of the time, and women also are favored in court. As a man, you're better off just staying in a LTR without the marriage.

If a man is putting you in the fuckzone (aka friends with benefits or situationship or "no label") then he just doesn't see a potential future with you. Either you are not attractive enough for him, or he doesn't like something about you specifically that disqualified you from being wife material. It's a hard pill to swallow but it's the truth.

In the LTR breaking up situation, same thing as the fuckzone but just more conniving. He actually stuck around long term but never really planned on sticking with you "til death". Very possible he stuck around until something better came along. It's hard to pinpoint in these situations, but that's my best guess.

Guys that don't escalate relationships want the relationship to stay in honeymoon phase forever. When you move in, everyone gets comfortable and complacent and the sex slows down (which is a man's worst nightmare).

boom-wham-slam · 2024-05-08T00:34:24+00:00

Good enough to spend time on but not good enough to commit to.

But women worth a damn are so rare I'm not going to sit around for 5 years being a monk waiting for one when someone decent is standing in front of me.

Goodgoy6969 · 2024-05-07T22:49:35+00:00

I could give a list.

The girl I'm dating is great. She's attentive, caring, kind, sex is great, she's great with children and would be a great mother. But I have now met her in her 30's and she has had a lot of partners I would guess. This is what prevents me from committing. I want a child but I never want to have a child with someone who I see as tainted. People will say that's unfair, but it's how I feel. I want the mother of my children to have a low N-count, and this girl doesn't have it.
There's a fear on my part, that I'm not good enough to have a woman commit to me. I don't have a lot of friends. I'm introverted, keep myself to myself and am fairly boring to the majority of people. I would fear that she would come to regret getting into a serious committed relationship with me. There was a good line in that awful show recently, 'Baby Reindeer' where the lead guy said "I hated myself more than I loved her"...that's how I would feel I would guess
While single life is lonely, and boring and you do have nights where you crave someone to talk to after work or just have someone to hold and relax with, it's seems a better option than moving in with someone again and sharing your life together and seeing each other day after day. Now as I casually date different girls, I am scared of the honeymoon phase ending as I feel that's where relationships truly end. The desire is gone by that stage and you don't get excited to see your partner as you once did.

2024-05-07T23:35:20+00:00

At 37, I have no compelling reason to settle down and commit. The ladies are good for a short time, not a long time.

Green__Bananas · 2024-05-08T03:03:59+00:00

I’m getting married in ~2 months. My childhood friends all have gfs and aren’t proposing any time soon. We are all late 20s.

The reason: marriage wouldn’t add value to their lives whereas it would for me.

My situation: met a beautiful girl from a traditional home with a strong father who forbid us from moving in unless we were married (she wasn’t even allowed to visit my apartment without sneaking out). We practice traditional gender roles and the relationship is great. I’m getting tired of not having as much access to her as I want, and I want someone to cook and take care of my place and our future kids, so getting married to her made sense. It would quite literally improve my life - that’s why I proposed.

My friends (few examples):

Jim has been with his gf for 3 years. She wants marriage but she was a thot in college and he doesn’t want a lifetime commitment to a promiscuous person (but she’s pretty and “fun” enough to date).

Nick’s girl is hot but she has too much baggage and is kinda annoying. Nags a lot and doesn’t cook or clean. An overall headache.

Mohammed (we call him Mo) has dated a girl for 6 years but she’s Latina and not Muslim so he claims his family would never approve. He’s gonna date her until he finds a nice Muslim girl they approve of.

Mark dated his for 8 years but they lived together for 7 and he quite literally said that “marriage wouldn’t change anything, it’s just another fat bill to live the same life we already have”. Pro tip for women: don’t move in with a guy unless you’re married.

Tim’s girl wants a super expensive wedding but he doesn’t make much and is worried about her divorcing him over money one day since it’s happened to so many guys.

Carlos doesn’t take life seriously at all. He loves to chill w the boys and smoke weed on the weekends. He’s really funny so he pulled a baddie but would rather live with his parents and just enjoy a stoner lifestyle. He’s close to his friends and his mom does everything for him, a wife wouldn’t really add much (his words).

Sonny is in the most toxic relationship among all of them. He’s kind of a simp because his girl is constantly embarrassing him and berating him in public over nothing, but he just takes it because he never had much luck with women. He’s starting to see the light and is breaking up with her (I hope).

Tldr; People only ever act based on incentives. Women would get commitment if they actually provided value to a man’s life.

Ayaka_Simp_ · 2024-05-08T07:41:07+00:00

I'm not where I want to be in life or financially stable enough for a serious relationship. I make that clear to every woman I meet. I used to think honesty was the best policy, but women hate it. In the beginning, women love and appreciate me for being honest. But once they catch feelings, and they always catch feelings, they resent me. Suddenly, being honest and not wanting commitment is a problem. Also, I don't want kids or to be a step-dad. That alone eliminates a significant number of women.

Upset_Material_3372 · 2024-05-08T09:16:39+00:00

It all comes from how difficult it’s gotten for men to date, and because of this most men will often be dating down to some degree. So while it’s certainly better to date down then be alone a lot of men would probably be apprehensive to marrying that far down.

Tokimonatakanimekat · 2024-05-08T10:10:45+00:00

Have you even seen my git?

So my question to guys is, assuming you're in a good relationship, what would / holds you back from committing to a relationship?

Assuming it's objectively good I'd definitely commit.

Nihi1986 · 2024-05-08T15:40:34+00:00

Because I don't like her enough, and it's the same reason women won't commit. And since I don't like wasting anyone's time I'm done with dating until I find someone I like enough, if I'm lucky.

RahLyt · 2024-05-08T19:29:44+00:00

Women will invent fights out of thin air. Then wonder why we won't propose lol.

RedditAlt999 · 2024-05-08T20:58:04+00:00

Guys on dating apps lying about their intentions, claiming they want relationships but then seeing multiple women and not liking 'labels'

I wasn't getting the right "deal" per se. Once I found the woman I wanted to commit to, I did.

raldabos · 2024-05-08T22:57:03+00:00

Plenty guys want to get marry and have family. They tend to be ignored by women, or in the best case scenarios, they find 1 women who would want to date them after a long list of rejections, which is a good thing.

2024-05-08T23:52:36+00:00

I can’t speak for other men, but for myself, I won’t commit (beyond short term serial monogamy) because at 48 I have plenty of money and plenty of female attention. Frankly, I don’t commit because women don’t require it for me to gain access to things I want. It’s simple sexonomics.

VaticanCattleRustler · 2024-05-09T03:34:43+00:00

I tried, but I always seem to be the one dragging her kicking and screaming towards something deeper or finding out she is a toxic mess that was hiding her true nature for 2 months then unloading the crazy.

I'm in my mid 30's, single, no kids, never married, college educated, making good money, I'm a home owner, and I'm over 6'. I want to get married and have a family. I seem to check just about every box that women claim to want, but I can't find any women who are interested or don't have red flags. I don't have crazy standards either. My biggest test is "Would I want my kids to turn out like her."

Honestly, I'm not blaming women. I blame modem dating. It's dehumanizing and keeps you from getting to know the person.

ThrowawayHomesch · 2024-05-07T22:52:52+00:00

There are two main factors usually involved. One is body count. The other is how physically attractive the woman is.

Then there are smaller factors like neuroticism, etc.

Zabadoodude · 2024-05-08T05:53:10+00:00

The most common reason is that she just doesn't make the cut for something more serious. Women often think that if a guy said he was looking for a relationship/marriage/kids, but then didn't want it with her it means he lied. That'd be like a man saying women that say they like sex are liars because the didn't want to have it with him.

Another possibility is simply that he prefers a degree of independence and doesn't want kids or marriage. Wanting a monogamous relationship without cohabiting or sharing finances is perfectly valid. He might just have no desire for "the next stage".

LaloTwinsDa2nd · 2024-05-08T06:01:00+00:00

Most girls today aren’t worth committing to but it’s fun to sleep with them

Worth is mostly tied to 3 things

Looks
Personality (Pleasing/charismatic v Headache/grating)
Infidelity risk (body count + habits)

If you don’t rate high on these 3 things then you’re too high a risk/not a good investment to legally commit to.

A lot of women today refuse to budge on what they can.

As you go down the list things get more within your locus of control.

Looks, there are things you can do but a lot of it, especially as a woman is genetic. Just get to a healthy weight be healthy and shapely and you’ll be someone’s type.

Personality, more within your control but is largely shaped by a lifetime of experiences before you were even consciously aware of life so extremely hard to change but possible.

Promiscuous behavior is the easiest to change/just not do. But women today insist on being rebellious and finding out for themselves that casual sex typically sucks (for them) An ability to keep your legs closed is valuable to men. If you refuse to accept that then they ain’t gonna wanna wife you.

But since women have become intransigent on that point we won’t argue it, you’ll just try lie to yourself “yeah I can totally make a woman with a 35 body count my wife”

But you don’t feel that way emotionally so you end up accidentally leading her on

HTML_Novice · 2024-05-07T22:52:40+00:00

It’s always one of these three, not attractive enough /too boring / not smart enough ( believes in horoscopes is an immediate no to commitment ).

She has to be special for me to only commit to her vs sleeping with other girls casually.

Barely-moral · 2024-05-08T00:04:14+00:00

assuming you're in a good relationship, what would / holds you back from committing to a relationship

Because if something is good then it is good as it is and any change can only be for the worse

thisaccountaintrea1 · 2024-05-07T22:58:48+00:00

These are all going to be general statements; there are exceptions to any rule, and plenty of possible extenuating circumstances.

Partners of +5 years not wanting to propose/get married despite initially agreeing on it

They’re wondering “Can I do better?” and will either propose or leave once they figure out the answer to this question.

Guys on dating apps lying about their intentions, claiming they want relationships but then seeing multiple women and not liking 'labels'

Dishonest guys will say whatever they think will get them laid.

LTR breaking up because the guy doesn't want to get married or have kids, but then within 2 years he's engaged and with a kid on the way

There are an infinite number of reasons why this can happen- every failed relationship is unique, after all. It could mean he didn’t want kids with that particular woman, he could have issues with her family, he could have accidentally knocked someone up and married her because of that, he could have been sneaking around with the other person the whole time, he could have had some major epiphany that made him realize he did want marriage, etc.

Guys that want non-escalating relationships, AKA never moving in together and being perpetually in the dating stage

Living the single life and playing the field are fun; nothing more to it than that.

StopTheIncels · 2024-05-08T00:44:00+00:00

Yes, if she's hot enough :kekw:

maplehobo · 2024-05-08T04:16:12+00:00

Simply put women aren't worth it. I much prefer my freedom.

Also I don't plan on marrying. Ever. Marriage as an institution is broken and has just become a business to fuck people (particularly men) over.

2024-05-07T22:45:54+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Horned-Beast · 2024-05-07T23:49:08+00:00

What or how would they benefit for making that commitment?

BESIDE obvious companionship?

cromulent_weasel · 2024-05-08T01:05:40+00:00

So I was recently asked by my girlfriend whether I would consider marriage in my future and my answer was 'I don't know'. For one, I'm still married to someone else (can't get divorced until later on this year). But the end of my marriage has somewhat shaken what I thought marriage was (I thought you left in a coffin).

So I won't say that I'll never get married again, but I need to do some deconstruction and reconstruction around what I think marriage is, particularly now that it's not a vehicle for raising kids in.

Whether that's moving in together

I can see that on the horizon, but it's reasonably far away because we both have kids and haven't introduced them to our kids yet. Moving in as blended families is pretty complex I think and not something to be rushed.

firetrap2 · 2024-05-08T09:10:56+00:00

The rest of the answers, I agree with the common conscientious but for

Partners of +5 years not wanting to propose/get married despite initially agreeing on it

Some times you meet someone and they seem great then a while into the relationship they show they're not really trust worthy or reliable or just not suitable for a wife.

Delifier · 2024-05-08T10:00:28+00:00

Personally i dont see the point of "marriage". I dont need a priest or a judge to sign off on a piece of paper to be in a committed relationship. I think its a waste of money to have a big wedding, in which to some seem to be the point, if i cant guarantee this will last anyway. And i dont need the piece of paper either. Some areas might even have anal laws on this, giving only one side of the equation any positive outcome from the divorce. Also, it can be hard to know if this is the right thing if you are in some initial phase of a relationship. I like the long term before i can say "Yep, this is deffy gonna last".

When dating, having several options is not a bad thing. THat is how you compare one option against another, and you dont have to take that shit over there if there is less shit over there.

Living together is actually not everyones cup of tea, regardless if they are in a committed relationship or not. Most people end up living together even if they'd rather not just because its cheaper that way. A lot more relationship could have gone better if everyone had the room they'd prefer.

TRTGymBro1 · 2024-05-08T10:32:12+00:00

Generally women crave security the same way men crave approval. Getting commitment from a man is security. Exchanging DADDY, who guarantees her security when she was a little girl for HUBBY who will guarantee security when she's an adult.

Men crave approval. We make our own security. So the security of commitment isn't appealing to us at all. But we enjoy the approval we get from having a girlfriend.

2024-05-09T12:09:41+00:00

I am in a good relationship of 4 years and of settling down age (40), so i might be able to share insights into my reasons.

i don't see a reason to get married. Nothing changes except that it's harder and more painful (effort and finances) to end the relationship if either of us doesn't want to be in it any longer. Why would i want to make it hard to leave a relationship someone doesn't want to be in anymore? I was previously in a 12year long relationship and at no point did it occur to me that marriage would add something to my relationship. I might think differently about it if or when a child enters the relationship dynamic. But children are about the same for me as marriage: haven't found them to add a net positive to my life or relationship yet. I am open to get married someday. I have never promised someone marriage and i actually might change my position within the next years, both concerning kids and marriage. The "getting older and wanting to settle down" part has to kick in someday soon.
Dating apps: wanting a relationship is not in conflict with trying out different women simultaneouslly for that relationship. There are multiple candidates available at all time and it's a waste of time to not date them in parallel. Especially because most candidates are only good for 1-2 dates before they get rejected. Also, wanting a relationship doesn't mean i don't want casual sex on the side. While looking for that LTR partner, i am happily meeting up with women for casual sex, no strings attached. Labels are putting up pressure without need. I met my now LTR girlfriend whom i might end up marriage after all, when she was looking for a hookup and explained to me in advance, that if i am looking for anything but casual sex, we should not meet. I wasn't looking to reach a goal in establishing contact with her over Bumble. I was open to anything. Just meet and see where it goes. It doesn't increase your chances to get into a LTR to just date people who have that label in mind as a goal, because you miss out on all the people who don't know yet, that they want a relationship with you and will fall in love on the first date. A lot of people are afraid of pressure. They don't want to force things and don't want to be forced into things. There is no need to call something a committed relationship when you can have a committed relationship without the label. For all i am concerned, i AM living a marriage already. There is no difference except the label and the legal framework.
People realize in LTR that their partner is not the one they want to get married to or have kids with, but the relationship is good enough to keep doing it, but not furthering it with more commitment (kid/legal). So the statement "i don't want to marry/have children" is rather a "...with YOU specifically", than a general statement. My view of having a child with a partner depends on the partner. With some women i knew immediately i could have children with her, despite not wanting them now. Also, people who get engaged/children within 2 years of a new relationship are likely still in the phase of romantic love where they are not very rational about their view of the relationship and the partner. People are bad at recognizing when they are fucking stupid (not rational) and shouldn't do "lifelong" commitments.
Not moving together is a new concept of relationships and not at all to be mixed up with non-commitment. Living apart together ( https://www.brides.com/living-apart-together-5189895 ) has it's advantages. I am living this concept with my gf. We have separate apartments just 7 minutes distance by bike/20min to walk and don't see the pros of living apart to be outweighed by the pros of living together in the current situation. With a child on the way, we would probably look to find a new apartment for the 3 of us. Moving together is not escalating the relationship. It's just changing the living conditions. Spending more time together is not increasing relationship satisfaction or commitment. It's reducing personal space and options for locations to spend time at.
as for "perpetually being in the dating stage", i always have my trouble with the american understanding of what "dating" means. To me, dating is when you go on dates before you are in a committed relationship. Having/going on "romantic dates" while being in a relationship is not dating, but having a fucking romantic relationship with "date nights".

2024-05-09T22:14:54+00:00

To FWB that may have fallen in love: Because I like the sex and you're pretty but I don't feel any attraction to you as a human in the sense of your personality and hobbies and all that

Of course I'm not that direct but you get my thought process

2024-07-10T00:26:41+00:00

Marriage is a slavery contract.
Most women don't add much of anything to the life of a man beyond sex, and you just don't marry that (many would also not even date that if they could get enough sex casually).
There is a enormous chance that it will not work, and you end up cheated on and sad.

Opening_Tell9388 · 2024-05-07T22:35:55+00:00

If I am in a relationship then I am committed, in our terms. I am down to move in and it is a requirement of mine to live with my partner for at least a year before engagement or children. Marriage, I never really thought as too important.

I am just really picky. As I believe a lot of us who grew up and or are living in Western countries are. Especially urban cities. We are as a society putting a lot more focus in individuality for better or for worse. I have a really nice life and I really enjoy being single. Haven't quite met someone who I envision growing old and starting a family. Or well I have then things don't work out.

To put it simply, "I don't need nobody, I would love somebody though." I am really happy with my life and if I am single forever and playing the cool uncle roll I am fine. Enjoying the company I keep.

veloron2008 · 2024-05-08T02:31:21+00:00

In our social circle we hear so much about this phobia towards commitment from the single folks, and all of our kids.

Generally speaking,

From men about women less than 30.

From women about men over 30.

We talk about possible causes, but nobody has a clue when it comes to solutions.

Those of us in committed relationships, are just grateful that we are. Definitely provides motivation to put in work and not take things for granted...

Saucy_Moist · 2024-05-08T04:03:17+00:00

Most men who won't commit are using women for sex.

A lot of men fear the consequences of marriage (i.e divorce).

A lot of modern women are very promiscuous in comparison to the past. You can still be an awesome person as a woman who's slept around and a guy may want to date you, but it may be harder for him to see you as his special person when he knows to other men out there you were happy to be their slut for the night (this language may bother people, especially women, but men know this is how A LOT of men who'll hook up with you see you). Therefore taking the step to call this woman that is currently a girlfriend, a wife who now on a much more intimate level represents you to an extent becomes harder to do.

TheDerInDisorder · 2024-05-08T07:32:28+00:00

The fuck is it your concern? Your idea of escalating commitment is toxic, and you aren't owed shit. Blow that Disney garbage right up your ass. Oh, you don't like me unless you can keep me in a cage all to yourself? Guess you didn't like me then.

IceColdProfessional · 2024-05-08T03:41:02+00:00

What we really want is sex and we'll say anything to get it. Committing is just the icing on the cake if you're not annoying or a terrible person. But really it's all about the sex.

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ktdotnova · 2024-05-08T06:13:08+00:00

Point 2... is that most men cannot pull off telling women honestly that they only want sex. Point 3 is that the men were never truly interested in the women in the first place, feeling as if he's settled.

Title	Men, why won't you commit?
Author	Emergency_Lead_3931
Upvotes	33
Comments	303
Date	May 7, 2024 10:28 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1cmooxl/men_why_wont_you_commit/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/men-why-wont-you-commit.1517794 https://theredarchive.com/post/1517794

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