CMV: Why are males more likely to stay in miserable marriages?

aslfingerspell · 2024-11-30T00:42:26+00:00

Never married, but I let a relationship go on far too long.

For me, it was the fact that even an overall net negative situation can have ups. This is what people who say "a bad relationship is worse than being single" miss out on.

Getting to cuddle with someone after the spark is gone is still cuddling. Even extremely bad relationships, like abusive ones, can still have their ups. Indeed, abusive relationships having relatively happy/safe periods is the "reconciliation -> calm" of the "tension -> incident -> reconciliation -> calm" cycle.

In practical terms, the happy couple at the ice cream parlor could have had a fistfight last week, but for the moment they're happier than the single person eating alone. The lonely person may have a better life in the long term, but the "up" of the post-fight ice cream is genuinely happy in a way that eating alone is not. It's like gambling: even if you lose money over the long term, you will have winning days, and that's more satisfying to some people than having a steady income that makes more money over the long term.

I suppose bad relationships can also be like addictions. People always say "This is the last time." or "I'm trying." and find it hard to succeed or get away. Some people remain stuck in bad relationships even if the solution is as "simple" as just sending a breakup text, the same way people keep binge eating when the solution is as "simple" as "don't have a whole sleeve of cookies after dinner".

There's a lot of friction to making such a major change in life: sometimes it's easy to put up with a terrible marriage than go through the divorce process, even if a few months/years of extreme unhappiness will save decades of suffering over the course of your life. Sometimes, the insecurity and inconvenience of being overweight every day for years is preferable to the months of exercise and dieting to lose the weight. Sometimes, the withdrawal from the drug is itself going to be a medical emergency/traumatic event you don't want to go through.

Aggressive_Sweet1417 · 2024-11-30T00:30:13+00:00

Men have lower trait neuroticism on average (i.e. they are less sensitive to negative emotion). When a relationship is bad, both feel it, but women's threshold of tolerance is lower, so they leave before.

Lovers691 · 2024-11-30T00:16:08+00:00

People in the former category aren’t staying in those relationships because they are miserable, it’s because they have negative personality traits. For the later, low self esteem or an understanding that they can’t get any better partner

Adventurous-Ruin3873 · 2024-11-30T00:49:24+00:00

They'll cheat

Infidelity rates are similar between the sexes in couples from 18 to 40. Past that point, men cheat more, but those marriages are usually dead anyway.

commit domestic violence

Women in all age groups commit domestic violence at higher rates than men.

neglect their wives

I mean if your wife fucking hates you, leaving her alone is not really neglecting her, is it?

Men don't do the "logical" thing for two primary reasons. The first is that men are socially conditioned that their wife's happiness is a byproduct of their efforts. According to research, when men are unhappy in a relationship, they tend to bottle it up and still make efforts to please their wife, while when women are unhappy in a relationship, they tend to bring the whole house down with them.

The second is that men have a lot to lose in a divorce. Even with equal custody laws being pushed/existing in most areas now, all the woman has to do is say "he hits me" and boom, he can't see his kids anymore. Many divorce lawyers have admitted they've advised their female clients to embellish the relationships with details of abuse to gain an upper hand.

Throwaway26702008 · 2024-11-30T00:28:42+00:00

Being conditioned to endure suffering and hide pain. Being taught to derive self worth from a wife and kids

Environmental_Day558 · 2024-11-30T00:39:26+00:00

The dating pool is trash for men, so they rather stay in a terrible relationship than start all the way over. Also with no prenup it's cheaper to keep her.

No-Rough-7390 · 2024-11-30T00:11:11+00:00

Duty.

Podlubnyi · 2024-11-30T00:42:08+00:00

Because the alternative is leaving your home (which you'll continue to pay the mortgage on), paying spousal and child support, and seeing your kids once a week if you're lucky enough to have an ex who doesn't falsely accuse you of abuse out of spite. There is a reason why eight times more divorced men than divorced women commit suicide.

Puzzleheaded_Card_71 · 2024-11-30T00:58:43+00:00

The costs for leaving a marriage are far higher for men than women, and there is no positive spin on it by society like there is for women. So they just bear it.

SinlessTitan · 2024-11-30T00:29:32+00:00

I think men tend to be more hard headed than women, and will refuse to admit when a marriage is truly over.

Men also tie their self worth to something like a marriage or relationship , and even if its total shit, they will base the entirety of their success as a person on that one thing. So they stay.

SpiritedAd4051 · 2024-11-30T05:29:29+00:00

Extreme social pressure. Apathy. Most men in this situation are also suffering from at least one mental health issue and sometimes substance use.

Don't underestimate social pressure though. When you divorce almost everyone, sometimes even your own family, will side with the wife leaving you isolated and single

Hi-Road · 2024-11-30T06:51:56+00:00

Most are probably frustrated because they want to leave but are taught to cope and manage early in life. Most have some sense of duty - but some men's sense of duty comes a good place like care of family, and other's comes from wanting to adhere to masculine standards. So some, in an unhealthy way, try and push those feelings down until they bubble or rush to the surface in various unhealthy ways. Which almost always leads to an even worse situation than before. A lot of men, and a lot of people, are still slaves to societal expectations. I feel like the war between those expectations and a person's real sense of self tears some people apart and in the worst cases causes them to become the worst versions of themselves by trying to have their cake and eat it too.

I know a lot of women that have stayed in terrible situations too - and it's usually for something like the kids, a sense of loyalty, or loneliness(?) I guess.

Sorry for the messy jumble it's late here. Hopefully this didn't come off as pretentious as it sounds lol

NockerJoe · 2024-11-30T00:32:27+00:00

When complaining about your wife was one of the most common forms of humor for like 3 generations its not exactly like the women they're married to are some sort of exception. You're miserable, your best friend is miserable, your coworkers are miserable, so on and so forth.

You can deny it but the shit women here say doesn't exactly dispel the notion. Theres a lot of people claiming women don't really like sex unless they get the overwhelming lions share of effort with basically no expectation of reciprocity. Theres also a lot of insistence that their happiness just matters more in the relationship even if they don't phrase it that way.

I've been on this sub since before covid and I've seen no less than four women who were married and giving advice with authority suddenly find their marriage on the rocks because the kind of person who bitches at internet strangers and swears they never see these social problems in real life clearly isn't the most attentive to their husbands either.

The choice they're making isn't leaving for greener pastures, its either putting up with their wives or living alone, because there's a very strong chance even if they remarried the next one would be functionally identical.

-angels-fanatic- · 2024-11-30T04:58:29+00:00

It’s was near impossible for a lot of men to find one woman willing to marry them.

Most men know they’ll be single for another decade if they get a divorce.

Women usually have 2 guys waiting in the wings at all times.

marchingrunjump · 2024-11-30T04:15:07+00:00

Personally my dad had two terrible wives. From a relationship point of view. My brother’s marriage is not one I envy. My father in law’s neither.

The only one I can think of having a decent marriage is my brother in law. Perhaps also one of four uncles.

So, perhaps men look at other men’s marriages and relationships and conclude: I wouldn’t like to be in his shoes. Or his, or his…

Eventually they conclude that this is just the way it’s supposed to be.

Tywinlol2 · 2024-11-30T00:56:54+00:00

We are socially conditioned to endure hardships for our family, community and country. We are always harshly judged by society for leaving. We take our promises more seriously and tend to be more team oriented. Seriously, females you should really be more like us.

Sure-Vermicelli4369 · 2024-11-30T00:34:49+00:00

A man who leaves has the potential to lose everything - his income, his children and his home.

Puzzleheaded_ghost · 2024-11-30T23:38:49+00:00

Your wish is my command: as per consensus (this takes more work than you would expect)

Changing Dynamics of Marital Relationships: Why Men Stay in Unhealthy Marriages

Marriages have undergone significant transformations over the decades, shaped by shifting gender roles, evolving societal expectations, and increasing individual autonomy. Historically, marriage often represented a practical and social contract, with men as providers and women as caregivers. However, feminist movements and societal progress have challenged these traditional dynamics, redefining roles and expectations within relationships (Harris & Firestone, 1998).

Why Men Stay in Bad Marriages

Sexual Motivation and Relational Dependency: Men exhibit a consistently stronger sex drive compared to women, with studies reporting a medium-to-large effect size (g = 0.69) reflecting more frequent and intense sexual desires. This biological difference fosters a deeper reliance on intimate relationships for emotional and physical fulfillment (Baumeister et al., 2001). Combined with societal pressures to fulfill masculine roles within marriage, this drive often ties men to unhealthy relationships, even when emotional satisfaction is lacking.
Financial and Legal Barriers: Economic repercussions, such as alimony and child support, disproportionately burden men in marital dissolutions. This financial strain often discourages men from pursuing divorce, making them more likely to endure dissatisfaction in marriage (Previti & Amato, 2003). These practical concerns are exacerbated by fewer perceived post-marriage alternatives, as 22% of men, compared to 15% of women, cite a lack of better options as a reason to stay married (Previti & Amato, 2003).
Impact of Feminist Advances: Feminist movements have redefined gender roles, enabling women to achieve greater economic and social independence. This shift has empowered women to leave unsatisfying marriages more readily, while men increasingly find themselves constrained by financial and societal expectations. Feminist-driven changes have also reduced the perceived relational advantages men historically enjoyed, creating a sense of diminished value in marriage for men (Eagly & Wood, 2011).

Negative Consequences of Staying in Unhealthy Marriages

Remaining in a bad marriage can have profound emotional and psychological effects. Men, who tend to suppress emotional distress, often experience long-term dissatisfaction and reduced psychological resilience (Wanic & Kulik, 2011). Women, on the other hand, frequently endure higher emotional exhaustion and health deterioration in poor-quality marriages, with 60% of women in such marriages reporting emotional exhaustion compared to 35% of men (Gravningen et al., 2017).

treadmarks · 2024-11-30T00:11:00+00:00

For the same reason that the toughest fields are male-dominated. Men have a greater capacity to endure suffering. It's a basic expectation society puts on men.

Also part of the masculine code is to honor your word. I might as well ask you why say "till death do us part" if you're thinking all along I'll just divorce him if things get rough? Shouldn't it be "'till you stop doing the chores?"

shadowrangerfs · 2024-11-30T00:31:10+00:00

It's cheaper to keep her.

Proper_Frosting_6693 · 2024-11-30T00:13:42+00:00

Duty & commitment to children

Bouldershoulders12 · 2024-11-30T01:22:23+00:00

Men are loyal to duties . Women are loyal to their feelings. Unfortunately many men were also raised “happy wife happy life” so they don’t prioritize their own happiness. Women instinctually do what “feels” right to them. It’s why so many men get the “I love you but I’m not in love with you” speech

rustlerhuskyjeans · 2024-11-30T01:29:56+00:00

Because women are legitimately terrifying. They’ll lie to courts police whatever it takes. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. In that situation they lose all moral code.

ACE_Overlord · 2024-11-30T03:20:35+00:00

-Child Support -Spousal Support -Loss of assets -Loss of 1/2 retirement. Also incidentally partial reasons we don't want to get married.

If 1 was not married and the partner was defective. They getting dropped like a rock.

Absentrando · 2024-11-30T02:21:30+00:00

I’m not sure the premise of your question is true. Women are more likely to end a marriage, but it isn’t clear that majority of those marriages are miserable or that men are more likely to stay in miserable ones. The reason why women are more likely to end marriages in general is because they have higher expectations of marriages than men do

AreOut · 2024-11-30T00:10:51+00:00

marriage is a sacrifice of sort and men are more willing to sacrifice themselves than women

LAKings55 · 2024-11-30T01:54:58+00:00

In my parents' case, it's total indifference. My dad finds things to occupy his time, putter around the yard, etc. She's content to go shopping and play on her tablet. His attitude is "cheaper to keep her." They basically just function like roommates now and tolerate each other.

Main_Aside_3072 · 2024-11-30T02:10:43+00:00

Men's mental health is crap. A lot of men don't really want to be alone, so they choose staying on the relationship.

Livid-Log7463 · 2024-11-30T03:24:53+00:00

Because being single as a man is worse than any other existence.

Tough-Difference3171 · 2024-11-30T05:59:41+00:00

We don't feel negative emotions as strongly.

That's all I can say.

It helps in some cases, and creates problems in others.

purplish_possum · 2024-11-30T04:20:38+00:00

Women have a lot more options. Once she's drained one beta dry she can dump him and move on to her next victim.

Grow_peace_in_Bedlam · 2024-11-30T19:05:16+00:00

Get rid of lopsided divorce laws that tend to reward the wife (even if she cheats) and I suspect men will be much less dedicated to broken marriages. Hence the saying "It's cheaper to keep her."

Given how urban Gen Z and late Millennial women are outearning their male counterparts, I suspect feminists will finally see our divorce laws as a problem in the coming years. We already see feminists hypocritically being outraged on behalf of women like Adele and Britney Spears for having to play the stereotypically male role in their divorces.

HighValueWomanBook · 2024-11-30T00:16:13+00:00

He who finds a wife finds a good thing!

Unless you are inside the marriage, you don't know what is going on. But here are some logical reasons why a man would stay in a "miserable" marriage:

It is not as miserable as it was pre-marriage.
He only found one woman actually worth marrying.
They have kids and wants to be with them.
It is tolerable.
He doesn't see a future with his mistress or any other woman.

Proudvow · 2024-11-30T00:26:49+00:00

Why aren't males doing the "logical" thing?

It is not logical to leave. Nobody wants to pay alimony and no man wants to deal with the middle-aged dating scene.

They'll cheat

A cheating male doesn't necessarily have any problem with his wife.

abuse her

Some men are naturally abusive and would do that to any wife, switching them wouldn't help.

Tokimonatakanimekat · 2024-11-30T02:44:41+00:00

Men are more accustomed to facing and enduring shit in all forms.

stats135 · 2024-11-30T00:17:24+00:00

One gender takes the oath of Til death do part, more seriously than the other.

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DoinIt989 · 2024-11-30T07:50:08+00:00

It's cheaper to keep her.

Hosj_Karp · 2024-11-30T09:15:54+00:00

Because they have no other friends

BobtheArcher2018 · 2024-11-30T12:52:33+00:00

I think it runs deeper than higher average female levels of neuroticism. Evolutionarily, women don't have reproductive time to waste. A miserable marriage is often--not always--partly based on her having lost attraction to her mate, which is her primitive instincts saying he is no longer a worthy sperm donor. Time to move on.

Artistic_Speech_1965 · 2024-11-30T14:00:24+00:00

Yeah, that's weird but men have a better stress tolerance and can act in though times. A women's power is her well being so it's understandable they end things quickly

downvoted_for_woman · 2024-11-30T16:24:22+00:00

Words actually mean things to men ("Till death do us part")

They aren't strangers to suffering so they'll endure to make things work, whereas women will jump off and latch on to another host whenever they get bored.

They actually feel something close to "love" while women are completely incapable of it.

Watson_USA · 2024-11-30T18:37:46+00:00

It’s very simple. Kids, money, and dating prospects.

Lots of dads realize that they’ll become a footnote in their kids childhoods if they’re not an everyday dad.

Division by two is painful no matter much or how little money they have.

Thanks to the internet, most average-looking men realize how shitty dating is for the bottom 90%, so most men in dead bedrooms realize the grass will not be greener on the other side for them.

All three of the above probably makes divorce a non-so-obvious decision.

Parrotsandarmadillos · 2024-11-30T01:51:40+00:00

Same reason as women will. The fear of being alone. Why is this hard to understand?

veloron2008 · 2024-11-30T01:10:05+00:00

My guess is that males stay in miserable marriages because they still love their spouse. At least most of them.

I encourage those men to prioritize themselves for a while to build themselves up physically and mentally. You attracted her before, and you can do it again.

My marriage has had some significant ups and downs, but we're better than ever now as empty nesters. Living the life!

Excellent_Badger123 · 2024-11-30T01:18:59+00:00

Comfort and financial incentives are what keep some men in unhappy marriages. I had to push my ex husband out the door. There was a lot of one sided trying on my part to make our marriage work. He wasn’t happy but wouldn’t address it directly. He was comfortable but he was no longer attracted to me and very quietly quit.

the_1st_inductionist · 2024-11-30T01:32:35+00:00

Miserable marriages aren’t as bad for men as they are for women because men have the advantage. Men don’t do the “logical” thing because too many people have your belief towards being logical and not enough teach that the logical thing to do is to leave.

Large_Wishbone4652 · 2024-11-30T02:16:14+00:00

As far as I know divorce was structured for women because men could just get a new wife and ex wife would be miserable but that is way back.

For many people (both men and women) they are doing the logical thing. Waiting for kids to grow up, knowing they won't be able to support themselves etc... In this way, women get more stuff out of divorce (child support, aliments, house) so initially they fare better but stats show that in the long term men turn out better. But people don't care about long term they want it now.

Then I know many guys that are phlegmatic, basically flies eat me type. All that stuff goes one ear in and the other one out.

Goonerlouie · 2024-11-30T03:02:02+00:00

Pride.

Theres a number of different factors that contribute to that pride but that’s the answer.

CMV: Why are males more likely to stay in miserable marriages?

Comments

Changing Dynamics of Marital Relationships: Why Men Stay in Unhealthy Marriages

Why Men Stay in Bad Marriages

Negative Consequences of Staying in Unhealthy Marriages

Key Insights:

He who finds a wife finds a good thing!

Title	CMV: Why are males more likely to stay in miserable marriages?
Author	Windmill_flowers
Upvotes	44
Comments	458
Date	November 29, 2024 11:59 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1h2ziub/cmv_why_are_males_more_likely_to_stay_in/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/cmv-why-are-males-more-likely-to-stay-in-miserable.1537187 https://theredarchive.com/post/1537187