Is it wrong to "settle" because you can't get what you really want?

Objective_Ad_6265 · 2024-02-04T09:23:02+00:00

It is wrong because it's heartbreaking for the othr person if they actually love you. If they find out, it crushes thir heart. Even if they don't actualy find out, they would still feel something is of. You feel if the other person is excited to touch you, kiss you... Even if you treat them well it's just not as good as a real thing because they can feel the lack of excitment.

So if you consider if, mabye consider mutual settling? Try to find someone desperate do have children and mutualy settle for each other? That way you both get better than NOTHING and noone is hurt about it.

mlo9109 · 2024-02-04T10:37:44+00:00

No, I'll admit I've done it. Has it bitten me in the ass? Maybe. As a 20 something single Christian woman fed up with the lack of men at church, I started dating outside of church. Would I have rather found a guy at church? Yes. Would I prefer to marry a Christian? Also, yes, but there are no single men my age at church.

My most serious relationship was with a non-Christian who ended up leaving for someone who shares his faith. They're happily married with 2 kids and I'm still single 6 years later. So, I wonder if there's truth to the whole equally yoked idea but also, what other choice do I have?

lacuti3 · 2024-02-04T05:33:50+00:00

https://www.instagram.com/reel/CktOxshJchb/?igsh=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==

Most guys are midsexual

MistyMaisel · 2024-02-04T06:06:30+00:00

Relationships are meant to be about love. When you love someone, you not only want what is best for them, but you want them to get what they want from all of their relationships.

Yes, it would be wrong to settle for someone knowing that they don't want to be settled for. Most women don't want to be settled for, so you can easily assume what you're doing is cruel, damaging, selfish, and unloving.

Are you allowed to try to do it? Sure. Do I think you'll long term succeed? No. I think it will inevitably come about that they learn you "just aren't that into them". And when they do, you should not be surprised by the intensity of their wrath.

But, with that said, if you are this selfish, you should not be in any relationships of this level. The fact you have no other options is not good justification to do this kind of evil to another person. You are ruining one of the most vital and important aspects of another person's life and for very very petty gains on your end.

You aren't even experiencing the real thing. It's one thing to ruin your own life, but to do so to another person is just top five monster material. Like, I hope they find out the same week you develop early onset alzheimers and end up in an extended care home with bed sores levels of neglect.

Critical_Corner_1859 · 2024-02-04T10:37:09+00:00

Yes, it is. Let the poor person you "chose" as a partner go find someone who actually wants them. I can't believe people are so selfish and scared of being alone that they would resort to this.

SnooCupcakes9990 · 2024-02-04T06:12:52+00:00

Yes, I will not accept being settled for. Just the thought of waking up every day knowing my significant lover isn't that much into to me is depressing.

Something-bothersome · 2024-02-04T09:33:15+00:00

If by “settle” you mean chose a life partner that has similar values, goals, ambitions, and vision for what a meaningful life would entail, then no. If you can offer care, support, love, comfort, trust, resilience through a possible 60/70 years then go for it.

If you mean “settle” with someone you don’t really want a to share your life with, that’s going to be a bit hard to maintain. Marriage is kind of in your face 24/7. To make it worse, life has a nasty habit of throwing curve balls at you. I think it would get real old very quickly for both of you.

It would be potentially like being stuck on a long haul flight sitting next to someone that you don’t particularly want to sit next to. 24 hours in and you would be fantasising that the seat is empty and you could stop making small talk.

Also small word of warning, getting someone down the aisle is a tiny insignificant part of the process. The challenge is making it work, that’s easier if you actually want to be there.

TheoreticalUser · 2024-02-04T06:23:00+00:00

Perfect is the enemy of good.

Trying to find the perfect person for yourself will only deprive you of the opportunities with people who are good for you. And that is making the massive assumption that you know who is perfect for you, they exist, you can find them, and they would be interested.

Find someone who puts effort into the relationship and into themselves. You put effort into yourself and your relationships. This is the way to a good life, there are no other paths.

Good_Result2787 · 2024-02-04T05:28:57+00:00

One might argue that settling is really "finally understanding the kind of partner (by whatever metrics you want to measure that) you're able to attract."

UVIV · 2024-02-04T20:42:12+00:00

You need to be worth it. At the very least, I believe everything in life functions on the “worth it” scale.

If a woman has delusional standards, she’s not worth it to her delusional standards. Because if she’s actually worth it, she’d be already getting what she wants in the first place.

You are only worth what you are getting at. If you want more, work for it. I’ve never seen a woman being able to have what she claims she wants without working for it. The same goes for men as well.

Anything you want in life, you need to be worth it to own it.

2024-02-04T22:03:31+00:00

It’s just sad for the person being settled for who thinks otherwise. But if both are aware (maybe in the same situation) I don’t see the problem. Life is all about making compromises. I wouldn’t want to be in this position, but that’s life sometimes.

theReaders · 2024-02-04T06:41:59+00:00

I'm choosing to be celibate specifically because this is all I will ever be to men. You men on here always talk about how women can get anything we want but this post is reality. All the men you claim to be after us are just after someone because they're settling for anyone. None of you want to date overweight women, but most of us are, but even if we were thin we wouldn't be enough. It seems completely amoral to me to marry someone you barely like just because you think you deserve a human sex toy, or home maker or baby machine. Why should someone be stuck in a mediocre marriage with you? What is your issue with being alone forever, and if it's so terrible why would you subject a woman to it?

ReplacementPasta · 2024-02-04T05:36:26+00:00

If you don't want to be with you partner, and want someone else, yes it is wrong.

Break up and don't be with them. They deserve a better partner

Safinated · 2024-02-04T06:48:19+00:00

Unless you get everything you want, you’re settling

Nellylocheadbean · 2024-02-04T14:06:06+00:00

This perspective is wrong because you don’t really like the person you just want a warm female body, you don’t actually care about the human in the body.

You don’t see the woman as someone with their own wants and desires and experiences, you just see them as a means to end your suffering because you’re so undesirable to the overwhelming majority of ppl.

Ppl like this need to stay single and suffer in silence because no one else should be subjected to such treatment.

Most ppl do “settle” in the sense that you won’t get everything you want. But to the point where you’ll just take a living body no matter what is extremely pathetic.

Zombombaby · 2024-02-04T23:46:15+00:00

You're compromising. Its called compromise.

I want a guy who will provide a million dollar salary, do all the diapers, clean the house and tell me I'm the best thing that ever happened to me every day.m while he rocks my world 3 times a week.

I absolutely still love my husband for struggling along side me, doing the dishes, helping with the domestic labour load and date nights twice a month and quickies when the kiddo is preoccupied. I have understood that life isn't fair, I'm not going to win the lottery and have a wealthy sex God househusband who waits around to shower me in praise all day. I know I deserve a partner who puts the same effort I do into the relationship and whose life goals align with mine. Everything else I can compromise on.

KikiYuyu · 2024-02-04T06:18:06+00:00

99% percent of people have to "settle" for just about everything in life. How many times have you gotten something exactly the way you wanted it? That's just life. If you can envision something perfect for yourself, you will have to settle for less than that. Perfection doesn't exist.

MotleyCrew1989 · 2024-02-04T06:47:55+00:00

I tried to date women outside of my physical prefference, and TBH, I knew I was forcing myself to be there.

januaryphilosopher · 2024-02-04T09:41:38+00:00

I don't think anyone who says that they'll settle for anyone who isn't fat really follows through with it, they all have other dealbreakers if you dig a little deeper. What they mean is they're willing to date someone who doesn't fit all their preferences.

MidoriEgg · 2024-02-04T09:58:15+00:00

‘ Assuming you treat your partner with well and with respect, ’ I think the issue is that people who are resentful about having to settle and think they are owed more but are robbed of it because of (insert societal reason here) often aren’t respectful and kind to their partner. I didn’t read the original post, so I’m not sure of it’s tone.

SnooMarzipans6929 · 2024-02-04T10:24:44+00:00

It's not wrong, but it is sad. You're doing a disservice to yourself and your partner, even if it doesn't seem so.

Yet.... I understand. I frankly should listen to my own advice.

ladyindev · 2024-02-04T11:39:49+00:00

Chiming in as an overweight woman and someone who was/is very picky (in relationship now).

I think the whole concept of settling has a fine line somewhere alongside being realistic and healthy in what your concepts of love and partnership are. We all have ideal mash ups who the perfect partner would be in our minds. Part of maturity and growing up involves two things, in my opinion. First, realizing that no matter what you look like or what traits you have, it’s incredibly unlikely that you will find someone who has every single trait that you want in a partner. Second, realizing that love is about acceptance and embracing an actual human and not solely focusing on your list on a piece of paper. And the from there, you’re free to identify what your desires vs. non-negotiable qualities are.

Why does it matter if people think it’s wrong to exclude overweight people from your dating search? If someone thinks it’s wrong, that’s their opinion. They’re entitled to that opinion and you’re entitled to yours. You don’t get to have people silenced in their opinions on openly portraying fat women as less desirable because it makes you feel better about your preferences. You’re a grown ass man. Own it and live your life or think about why you’re concerned that it’s wrong.

Personally, I am not even necessarily that offended by this. What’s problematic is not an individual’s preferences, but whether or not he’s an asshole about it and why he needs to shout out to the world what his preferences are. This is especially the case with people who already face a lot of challenges in society. It’s viewed as insensitive, unnecessary to say aloud at every turn, and contributing to a culture that many people are trying to challenge. As long as you’re not communicating in that way, I personally don’t have a problem with it. I’m not attracted to every guy out there either - far from it and I’ve walked away from many guys for a lack of attraction to something about them. If I can do it, you can too. But what I’m not here for is fat phobia, fat shaming, and any other variation of being an asshole who wants to comment on people’s bodies when it’s unnecessary.

Now, in this context, it seemed like there was a question asked and perhaps the forum was appropriate, no idea, wasn’t there, not that concerned. There are contexts where it’s fine and there’s a way to communicate things as well.

I would suggest caution with making a narrow range of looks your absolutely core focus with relationships, but you’re entitled to your preferences. Beauty is wonderful and many women are beautiful and thin, while also being amazing partners, but you have to not be a slave to it. You have to be willing to walk away if she’s not a good person or partner or has untreated issues that she refuses to address - this would be the advice I would instill into any son I might have. Beauty is lovely. Beauty at the expense of your mental health and happiness is trash.

And I think that’s where some people can get offended. The idea that thinness makes a partnership happy or satisfying is just about the dumbest thing ever to me, but it is also your prerogative. I get it. So people will feel that you’re diminishing their wonderful qualities because of their weight or even despite their beauty. I have felt that sometimes in my petty moments, because I know I’m not “ugly” and I definitely know that not all thin women are prettier than by default. But that’s irrelevant to what you choose for your life. Just don’t be an asshole or announce that to people unnecessarily. Or find a nicer way to say it. Or just stop caring that people will view you as an asshole when you do or say things they think are assholey. 🤷🏽‍♀️

One thing I wish men who praise thinness above all else wouldn’t do is try to shame other men or judge other men as having made a lesser choice. Focus on you and your life. That’s when it becomes asshole behavior.

I would caution you to understand that many fat women are also beautiful despite what the logic embraced in this forum suggests. If you’re struggling to have women attracted to you, and then try to get with the most attractive fat women, some of us may not be interested in you in return. I think some men here have a skewed idea of how dating works. Yes, fat women are at a disadvantage compared to thin women when it comes to just numbers. No, not all of us lack options and a lot of men with options find themselves into some chubby or fat girl one day and fall in love. You should probably rethink your concept of leagues because it could cause you further depression or anger once you realize that weight alone won’t necessarily put a woman within reach if she’s not into you specifically and has other options.

In the end, I did get what I wanted in many ways with my bf and not in other ways, because my partner is a human being and not a list. It was my job to think about what values and traits were my non-negotiables and which were flexible. In whatever form he came, he wouldn’t have ever been solely “what I want” like objects in a shopping cart. He’s a person.

I encourage people to figure out what their values and non-negotiables are and to also start seeing potential love interests as…people.

2024-02-04T18:54:16+00:00

Puppy love is all about attraction, lust and infatuation; true love grows over time.

Realistic-Ad-1023 · 2024-02-04T20:19:50+00:00

It’s wild how many times people here think someone settles. There is more to a marriage than finding someone to be the hottest person you’ve ever seen and want constant sex above everything else.

A marriage is a partnership. Love is a feeling that only grows with actions. You can either feed love or you let it starve. Most people who get married loved that person. Love is not enough to make a marriage last or thrive. Both partners need to put in more to make it happy and healthy. People who settle or get married on emotion alone or didn’t know their spouse well enough, end up divorced. The rest of us are pretty content.

Most people want a happy and healthy relationship with someone they’re compatible with. Most people aren’t settling and truly love their partner. Most people don’t live in the world terrified of worst case scenarios. And if you are, you need therapy. With love and light, please seek help for thinking the world (or women) are out to get you.

GuyInTenn · 2024-02-04T20:35:25+00:00

Just get with whoever looks your way

lovestocomment · 2024-02-04T20:45:57+00:00

I would say about 90 percent of men settle. The only why you as a man is not going to settle is if you have a lot of the resources the women in the area and culture value. You now have the pick of the field and can pick the woman you desire.

Settling inherently isn't a bad thing. It's a practical decision. It's better to get what you need versus what you want. And what you need in a partner typically doesn't come in the same package as your wants.

Over_North8884 · 2024-02-04T22:12:52+00:00

With the exception of esoteric sexual preferences, any relationship involving a middle or lower market value partner involves settling.

Reasonable_Life6467 · 2024-02-04T23:05:52+00:00

I feel like that’s what arranged marriages are, and a lot of them work out well lol

GuyInTenn · 2024-02-05T00:10:50+00:00

The PUA and Red Pill people (I'm neither, but I've read some of their stuff) say women tend to date up and men tend to date down. That's mostly true in my experience.

But most people end up settling down with someone fairly equal to themselves in most respects in the end..

daylightxx · 2024-02-05T01:10:38+00:00

I think we all settle on some ways. That’s life. You get some of what you want and some of what you don’t. And that should be applied to a lot of aspects of relationships. Looks, values, money views, social views. Find someone compatible but not exactly what you want because that rarely happens. Isn’t that settling?

One should never settle on marrying someone they’re not actually in love with.

EricSec · 2024-02-05T01:26:36+00:00

Nearly everyone "settles" in some way. Nearly everyone is attracted to the top 5% of most attractive people. Then the other 95% of us (or so) realized that they didn't want us, so we recalibrated (settled), and started going for girls or guys who were less attractive.

Some of us don't remember this, because it happened in junior high or high school, but, nearly everyone does it, including the top 5%, because they eventually get less attractive as they age.

I know that people are going to say that attractiveness isn't the only thing that matters, and you are correct. However, attractiveness is almost always the first thing that people take into account before even considering someone as dateable.

Nihi1986 · 2024-02-05T01:40:28+00:00

If it's wrong, morally speaking, it mostly depends on the other person being fine or not with the idea of not being what you wanted but what you could get.

Personally I think it's a bad idea, and I have decided to not do It eventhough I'm single at the age of 38 (though I sometimes date, casually and more seriously). I'd rather be lonely, bored or whatever...I think a relationship is way too much work and stress if you aren't feeling it. Also, already kinda did that in the past and was perhaps one of my biggest mistakes. If you are loyal, as I was, you are essentially wasting yours and someone else's time, no matter how respectful you are, it's not going to last forever and you will be missing other chances.

Ironically, what we value changes as we mature, believe it or not. You are always going to want to feel attracted but you are going to be very easily disgusted by someone's personality and way more grateful when it's a good one even if she isn't very pretty.

SecondEldenLord · 2024-02-05T13:49:39+00:00

Men settling down is not a problem, they adapt to it really easy especially if they are aware they have no options. However, women will always think he grass is greener on the other side and thus, if they do settle, they will cheat one day.

gntlbastard · 2024-02-05T14:44:26+00:00

I don't think settling is the problem. It's when you settle and then disrespect your partner because you didn't get what you wanted.

Just_Natural_9027 · 2024-02-04T05:43:47+00:00

The beauty of dating is it is one of the most honest markets around. No one “settles” people date who will date them.

2024-02-04T06:29:12+00:00

It’s wrong to chase perfection and call anything but perfection settling.

You aren’t perfect, you don’t deserve perfect.

Legitimate_Type_1324 · 2024-02-04T05:43:01+00:00

It is wrong to settle to an extent.

Our core values define who we are, dictate most of our behavior and makes us feel when something is right or wrong. Betraying your values for a woman, for friends or for a business that gives you a job is a recipe for disaster.

As long as your values are aligned, go wild. Doesn't matter if the woman doesn't fit more superficial criteria, you will make it work.

An obese person and a fit person operate on different behaviours. Those behaviours are often driven by different values such as the importance of health, self accountability and proclivity to delay gratification. From values alone, a man who takes care of himself can't be with an obese woman for the long run.

sixsevenrice · 2024-02-04T05:54:38+00:00

If a man decides to become a betabuxx, he has nobody to blame but himself.

So settle away, snag the bag, and take advantage of others because that's how our world works.

izzzy12k · 2024-02-04T05:54:55+00:00

I once heard the saying, that a guy will get put in his place by society rather quickly.. In terms of sexual desire from women. I think it's true.

So, I think with time.. A guy will begin to lower his standards.. however misguided or delusional they may be.

Once he starts to get traction with his dating attempts. He may "settle" only cause he values certain traits over others, and to preserve those desired traits he may have found in a potential partner..

He will overlook other traits he may have previously curved women for in the past.

GhettoJamesBond · 2024-02-04T06:06:28+00:00

I think everyone has to settle, it's really the only way. Are you really going to find someone that's perfect? Would this perfect person also think you're perfect?

Just look at Ebony K Williams of the refuse to date a bus driver fame. I'm not saying she has to date a bus driver but you can see she used to be a pretty woman a couple of years ago. As a Lawyer I'm sure she had options with guys better than a bus driver. Why didn't she just get with them? Where they not tall enough or something? Instead she's on TV now making a fool of herself complaining that no high value man wants her. What does she expect for a high value man to feel sorry for her and date her?

2024-02-04T06:30:21+00:00

Yes the relationship simply won't last so why invest your time?

2024-02-04T09:41:10+00:00

Well, most men dont have a lot of options so what can you expect?

They are simply going to settle with one of the women they have as an option.

What is the other way? Become an incel? 🤣

You either settle with one of the options you have or become an incel, that is the reality for most men.

If you wanna rise above that, you need to be extraordinary as a man.

McTitty3000 · 2024-02-04T05:44:09+00:00

Wrong? I wouldn't say that, I think most people in relationships settle in one way shape or form, I simply look at it as understanding what you're actually able to attract and getting the best version of that

tadL · 2024-02-04T07:44:30+00:00

Some got mad because realising the guy settled is not a surprise to me with how weird it all got.

It was normal for girls to pack their room with boybands in my time. So when I was in her room I saw what she wanted and I never cared about that. Didn't make me feel upset that she wants the backstreet boys or nsync or whatever. So they settled for me right?

And no boys where talking about that. We all had our perfect crush too. And the girls were not mad either.

Since I first saw Stacy Dash on TV as a little boy I had a crush on her. Yes I had a poster of her in my room. No girl ever complained or got mad. The only reactions I got was that they always were surprised that I don't have a pemela Anderson poster. Because she was in every bedroom in our time and my area. And live in Germany. We had back then not many black people in our city since the us army left their military outpost.

And ofc later when scrubs hit Elliot. Sarah chalke is still so hot too.

I think generation apple is confused because social media made people more available and connected they think. Our crushes were out of reach like your crushes are today. Just because they show way to much people think they know them and are part of their lives. Seriously remove Instagram tiktok and all the other garbage. It ruins your life's. And that's why some got mad I believe.

Yes you settle to the best you can get. Will always stay true. And the amount of ego that is required to get upset about that...holy crap if this is you? Get professional help.

Specialist-Action-33 · 2024-02-04T08:30:09+00:00

As a man we often need to just take what we can get. Is it wrong to do this though?

Its wrong because you will never be completely happy no matter what you tell yourself. Sad thing is that a lot of men easily fall into the "take what we can get" when we have little or no options with women. The mentality is eithet that or end up forever alone.

Proudvow · 2024-02-04T14:49:45+00:00

Settling is wrong if you're not fully sexually attracted to your partner and/or treat them worse than you'd treat someone you're not settling for.

If everything's the same it's irrelevant. For example a man often feels and behaves similarly towards a 7/10 and a 10/10.

Feisty-Saturn · 2024-02-04T14:57:23+00:00

I think it’s perfectly fine to settle if a relationship is what you want. A lot of people are overrating themselves. So what they consider “settling” is actually being with their looksmatch.

ComfortableOk5003 · 2024-02-04T12:34:32+00:00

Makes me wonder why more women don’t just better control their weight, obviously excluding the ones who have medical conditions who caused their weight gain (small minority)

It’s far easier to keep your weight in check (and has a lot of other benefits then just looks) than it is to have a bunch of money and being really good socially

This comment section highlights the difference in how men and women in generally view settling/chasing perfect

harmonica2 · 2024-02-04T06:37:41+00:00

I think based on what has been posted on here before, that a lot of people are forced to settle, and if that's true, what can you do?

It seems to be a lot easier for men to settle compared to women though, if that's true.

Character-Current-57 · 2024-02-04T08:55:11+00:00

I wouldn't settle. I'd live my life for me. There is no reason to expose yourself to the risk of having your stuff stolen by someone you didn't even want. The people being settled on think they are more than what they are. In the end the most degenerate elements of society breed and America continues to decline. Problems solve themselves

anonymousUser1SHIFT · 2024-02-04T09:10:52+00:00

Because I know it will be all over this thread compromising is a form of settling.

People have problems recognizing that compromising is a form is setting, to them settling has a negative connotation, and compromising feelings like meeting somewhere in the middle.

Point blank to compromise is to settle.

TheRedPillRipper · 2024-02-04T05:52:34+00:00

is it really that wrong

Who’s morality, should one judge themselves by? God’s? Society’s? The only way it’s settling, is if one chooses to rationalise their decision making that way.

Godspeed and good luck!

Cherish_Lifee · 2024-02-04T09:30:01+00:00

Its really shocking how insecure women can be, they want a guy that is wanted by X amount of women and then to only see them and ignore everybody else like they are the most special woman that has ever lived while she has done nothing of importance her entire life.

Imagine if guys were like that i want the most beautiful woman on the planet that is wanted by everybody to only be with me and ignore everbody else cause i am that special of a man and that is the only way i can feel good about myself.

Women are literally asking for things that are impossibilities are shocked when it doenst happen for them and ask 10 years later if they are asking for too much.

To answer the question: No its not bad to take what you can get if you are treating your partner well and you are a good person, women are just so delusional they dont see the world for what it is most men in fact choose partners this way.

Why do you think the divorce rate is so high because every men has 50 women to choose from and he chooses the woman that matches him the best or do most men stay single for years or decades and when this one girl comes along that likes him he gets with her even if they arent a great match.

darkwindhowls · 2024-02-04T07:53:48+00:00

The perfect woman is a 10 who shows up naked at your door, regales you with good conversation, fucks your brains out and then turns into a cheese pizza. DLR had it right.

So we're all settling amirite?

AutoModerator · 2024-02-04T05:26:42+00:00

Attention!

You can post off topic/jokes/puns as a comment to this Automoderator message.
For "Debate" and "Question for X" Threads: Parent comments that aren't from the target group will be removed, along with their child replies.
If you want to agree with OP instead of challenging their view or if the question is not targeted at you, post it as an answer to this comment.
OP you can choose your own flair according to these guidelines., just press Flair under your post!

Thanks for your cooperation and enjoy the discussion!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

anonymousUser1SHIFT · 2024-02-04T09:26:34+00:00

There is clearly a communication issue here, settling can have a huge rage from "I couldn't get my ideal so I'm just picking food" to "il take anything even if 8 don't like it".

Lower-Director1043 · 2024-02-04T11:11:35+00:00

KingWhoCared86 · 2024-02-04T11:24:51+00:00

I had the worst luck with trying to find someone and for some, I settled for a friend. But, the reason I ended up with her was because I took a break from looking and the quality time we shared became longer and more frequent that it evolved into something more. I mean we both joke that 10 years ago we never would have thought this would happen but I’m happy being with her.

Silver_Switch_3109 · 2024-02-04T11:45:45+00:00

Everyone settles. The ideal person that you want simply does not exist and cannot exist.

Preme2 · 2024-02-04T12:54:32+00:00

People settle everywhere in life. Settle on the college they go to, the car they bought, the house or apartment they live in, the restaurant they choose to go to, the clothes they wear, etc. I’m pretty sure 99% of people would be asking for better if they could. Settling is just a fact of life, especially with social media. You’re going to see better, but choose less.

When it comes to relationships the delusion takes over and people get so uptight. Do you honestly believe your partner would choose you if they could pick anyone in the world? Who is their celebrity crush? They would likely pick them if they could, but they can’t. So they’re stuck with you. You’re the best they could do.

Willow-girl · 2024-02-04T13:03:22+00:00

Don't settle. Life is long and people are a PITA. Unless you are head-over-heels about your partner at the outset, it's hard to put up with them over the long haul.

Swordfromthecement · 2024-02-04T13:06:36+00:00

We do it in all other aspects of life, why not relationships?

2024-02-04T13:06:36+00:00

I think it comes down to the question of whether you can truly accept your partner the way they are. Not how you want them to be but how they are.

If you can say that you truly accept your partner, although they're a bit shorter than you'd like, appreciate different music than you'd prefer, have different sleeping habits, ... you are fine.

However, if deep down you always feel like they're lacking something, that they're not really enough - don't do it. This kind of settling is unfair to your partner.

wtknight · 2024-02-04T13:19:41+00:00

No, it's not wrong to settle as long as one likes the person and one does not pursue other dating opportunities that arise. That's the big problem with settling - that it might make someone either unfaithful or want to exit the relationship if a better opportunity arises.

howdoiw0rkthisthing · 2024-02-04T13:37:25+00:00

Everyone settles, whether they know it or not.

TRTGymBro · 2024-02-04T13:46:46+00:00

It reminds of the Mark Manson (author of Models) theory around demographics. Basically; the idea is that there are certain demographics which will fit specific men much better than others. He gave an example of a 50 year old professor who was going out to night clubs and hitting on 20 somethings and always striking out.

Now if the guy had adjusted his strategy to go after late 30s and 40s women in a more sophisticated environment, he'd probably do amazingly well.

So what it comes down to is this: is what you want realistic for you? If you are an inexperienced 40 year old virgin, do you really think you can get a woman half your age, who is also a virgin but who may have guys lining up to bang her? A woman in her prince reproductive years? If you have never had success with women, do you really think you can get some hottie who is in shape?

There is always a bit of settling going on. We all settle for the best we can (or think we can) get. Contrary to what women tell you here, not every one of them will get their dream Prince Charming no matter how much they hold out for him, while enjoying being single. I know several women like that who are perpetually single. I think their vaginas may have fused shut by now.

The problem with what the guy wrote wasn't that he was willing to settle. It was that he was so desperate, that he treated women not as humans but as some trophy that he desperately needs to win that at this point he would take anything, that his desperation would turn any woman off like nothing else. You have no understanding just how unattractive and repulsive neediness and desperation are to women. They are literally the worst thing you can do to yourself as a man.

While OP thought he was being reasonable and even virtuous by saying "I'd take anyone who wants me", what he was really communicating is "Please take me! I have no inherent value, I can't even stand myself". Do you think this makes a compelling and attractive sales pitch?

JustMoreSadGirlShit · 2024-02-04T15:18:27+00:00

If someone is doing this that’s their own decision, but they better make it crystal clear to their partner that they’re being settled for.

No-Rough-7390 · 2024-02-04T15:21:18+00:00

This kind of feels like a false binary.

Most men don’t really have “choice” in the sense that they have a much more limited pool to select from.

Unfortunately, the only way I see to really make this palatable is if the guy had a lot of experience beforehand, because it wouldn’t be so much settling as it is knowing what kind of woman is best for him.

DietTyrone · 2024-02-04T15:42:36+00:00

Only if you can truly be content with that person for the remainder of your life. If not, then what's the point in marrying someone and having kids with them if you know in your heart of hearts that you'll leave when someone you truly want comes along?

AuraCore-main · 2024-02-04T16:21:29+00:00

Not wrong at all The comments are just salty they couldn't control their lives

learn2earn89 · 2024-02-04T16:31:48+00:00

Your take reads of someone who is a sociopath. Good luck

SeveralAcorns · 2024-02-04T16:37:34+00:00

Everyone settles. It's a myth that people go for lower than they could get.

Flightlessbirbz · 2024-02-04T16:39:54+00:00

Yeah it is, regardless of your gender, assuming you aren’t in love with the person. Now it’s important to note that everyone has to “settle” on some things because nobody is perfect. That’s being realistic, you’re not going to get 100% of what you want in one person. But if you aren’t in love with the person then it’s wrong to be with them. It’s a hurtful lie that wastes years of another person’s life they could’ve spent with someone who really loved them. That’s the key to what is settling and what’s just being realistic about your options.

crazyeddie123 · 2024-02-04T16:55:37+00:00

"settling" isn't binary.

Most people don't end up with someone who checks every single one of their boxes better than anyone else. Most people are happy to be with someone they enjoy being around most of the time even if they regularly encounter people who are "more attractive" in some way.

Now if you get with someone you don't actually like and proceed to treat them like shit because you're mad you can't get anyone better, then that is a dick move.

anna_alabama · 2024-02-04T17:46:33+00:00

If I had never met my husband I wouldn’t allow myself to be settled for. I’d rather remain single for life than partner up with someone who thinks they can do better.

DarkLordTK · 2024-02-04T19:06:05+00:00

I propose to you that "settling" is a terrible and incorrect term that is our buzzword. People change what they are looking for all the time based on their circumstances. We never call that settling. Settling has become a toxic meme that we use to defend boundaries that are otherwise difficult to defend as far as I can tell.

"Settle" is used to defend some immutable ideal or objective truth that we hold dear. It's wrong and fake.

19whale96 · 2024-02-04T19:51:46+00:00

I kind of aim to settle, I figure it's the healthiest way for me to look at it. I have an ideal in mind that I know I can't get because I'm not at my ideal point. If peak me is a 10, I'm like a 5 or 6. Having a woman with me who's also a 10 is unrealistic, I have to look for other 5's and 6's, with the goal that we can build each other up to 7's or 8's, for ourselves, each other, and hopefully children.

2024-02-04T19:54:43+00:00

Although I understand why this would be offensive, is it really that wrong to have that perspective?

Yes because if a man were to "settle" for me, that indicates HE has bigger problems.

That indicates he has low self worth and fear to embrace life on his own. This makes me question why he feels he 'needs' a partner?

Dating/marriage benefits ppl the most when they choose someone who adds value to their lives, not someone who is just a placeholder

OtPayOkerSmay · 2024-02-05T04:58:02+00:00

It's only offensive to women since it is advantageous for them when men don't know that they are a booby prize.

DXBrigade · 2024-02-05T17:32:29+00:00

Nope. I wish settling wasn't so villified. I remember a study that said that most ppl weren't attracted to their spouse when they first met.

2024-02-05T18:17:20+00:00

Settling all depends on what you value. Have highly do you value family or kids? Are you after financial stability? Imo it seems like more women settle than men. If I had to guess a lot of it plays into how your average man and woman are attracted to each other in different way.

Many women place starting a family very high up on their priority list. It's not that looks aren't important to them but instead it's only one of the important things they're after. By settling a person is often choosing to let go of one thing for one or more other things they can have.

From my own perspective as a guy settling is not worth it because for me personally they're isn't a trade off I'm comfortable with. I personally don't really care for having kids and I'm fine with having time to myself. The thing I highly value in a woman is physical attraction, whether I like it or not. Take that away and it I'm just left with a time and money commitment to someone who could be great but who I'd rather just have as a friend and not a love interest.

ReasonableGrass2384 · 2024-02-06T19:33:54+00:00

Settling is CRAZY for anyone. But do we mean actually settling or do you just feel like you're settling because you had unrealistic expectations to begin with? One is crazy and should never be done and is extremely hurtful the other is kind of a fact of life and not that crazy. What do I mean the difference between "Im with my girl even though I think shes ugly because its better than being alone" and "I also wanted my girl to have X trait that my girl doesnt, but I love her for who she is and would rather have her than this other woman with that trait"

Title	Is it wrong to "settle" because you can't get what you really want?
Author	ShelterNo2786
Upvotes	35
Comments	329
Date	February 4, 2024 5:26 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1aigdg6/is_it_wrong_to_settle_because_you_cant_get_what/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/is-it-wrong-to-settle-because-you-cant-get-what.1244550 https://theredarchive.com/post/1244550

Comments