Expecting autistic men to mask and upgrade their entire lives, especially dating, while not even giving them a chance or ever trying to approach them is hypocritical and illiberal.

Sillysheila · 2025-09-02T19:44:15+00:00

There are some more reasons to mask than dating. There are other factors like potential employment or socialising, and even potentially safety in some spaces. From my perspective, most autistic men and women I’ve met crave social lives, just perhaps less or in a different manner to the allistics. Even those I know who are on disability benefit or have little interest in dating (because some portion of the autistic community is asexual or graysexual) want at least one friend.

I’ve also discovered that while masking may be needed, there’s often a perception that there exists two modes: high masking and no masking. But I’ve experimented with myself and discovered a third way, and that’s low-medium masking.

I used to hate high masking like I was taught to do; basically shoving every single trait and the authenticity within me down to become a Normal Person ™. I preceded with that for many years, because I thought there was no other way to be.

Then I started experimenting with combining some of the masking, enough to get by on interactions whilst letting more of myself out. So for example if I’m tired one day, I will just look at people’s noses sometimes and not their eyes, even if it’s not super perfect as a way to copy interactions. It’s small enough to where it doesn’t bother most people, but it’s a good change. Or I might lightly suppress a need to interrupt someone, but openly stim with a pen or my hands or foot to help the urges. I’ll talk about special interests and I will make them a part of my life, but I’ll also encourage people either to learn from me as a social tool, or I’ll do my infodump and let them lend an ear to dump to me so it’s more of a two way exchange. And you learn a lot of stuff that way.

This did not implode my social life as I gravely expected it to, instead, it has made a huge improvement. I’m no longer angry, bitter or hiding from people. I have a better sense of humour, I’m a lot lighter, I feel as if I’m not constantly on guard. So it’s something I recommend that anyone give a try.

I wasn’t taught to do this in the 1990s and 2000s. What I was taught, when teachings on autism were different, was that if I didn’t mask really highly, that people would be very upset and I’d lose every friend/connection. I think part of this was due to how autism therapists interpreted the black and white ideal of autism, and also just the time period. As time has marched on, there’s been more awareness of people who stand outside of what was acceptable conformity and more of an effort to let them in to the community.

socooltoexist · 2025-09-02T19:54:45+00:00

Have you considered that some neurotypical people just don't want to date neurodivergent people? And, even in neurodivergent circles, some people just don't get along?

You don't have to mask, but would you want to date a woman who doesn't understand autism and doesn't give a fuck about your interests? Of course not.

Is it discrimination? Maybe. But you cannot force people to like you. And I've seen the same thing with neurodivergent women. I'm acquainted with an autistic woman and she's insufferable. Does she have to mask? No, her being autistic isn't inherently the problem. We just don't have anything in common and I don't find her funny or charming. So most of the time, when I talk to her, I feel like I'm talking with an annoying kid. Does she deserve genuine friendships? She does. Am I going to offer myself as her friend? Fuck no.

All this to say that, dude, if women rejected you because you are autistic, then you are better off without them in your life. Also, don't start masking for dating. You want a partner to accept your personality the way it is. Women don't owe you a chance, the same way you don't owe any woman a chance.

happyfunball5 · 2025-09-02T18:10:59+00:00

I don't blame you for feeling frustrated, but I don't think autism is a superficial disability. I think about 80% of the time there's a genetic link. One one parent has autism there's about a 10% chance their child will. It's a tough disorder so it's heritability matters.

But beyond that, what exactly does "give someone a chance" mean? This is harsh, but if a woman finds your surface style awkward, do you really expect her to make the effort to get beyond that?

random_radishes · 2025-09-02T18:54:18+00:00

It seems what fucks you up in dating isn’t being autistic it’s that incel rhetoric you’re using. If I heard a guy I was dating saying “most women choose to be superficial” that date would be over so quickly.

And whilst you might not say that infront of a woman that view of women does impact your interactions with them

krackedy · 2025-09-02T17:16:27+00:00

People "give a chance" to those they like and are attracted to. If an autistic man is likable and attractive to a woman he will do okay.

Are you saying they should get special treatment?

maj_nun · 2025-09-02T18:01:48+00:00

Women do care about the deeper aspects of someones personality. Except in order to get there, you have to be talking and getting to know someone over the course of weeks or months. If there's no initial attraction, it's going to be hard to bother going deeper.

Why would I put up with someone who's not enjoyable to be around for months just in case they end up revealing a "deeper" side of themselves that is good (which isn't even guaranteed)? When on the other hand, I can spend that time getting to know someone who is enjoyable to be around, and get to know them deeply?

dokushin · 2025-09-02T19:45:40+00:00

An autistic personality is not automatically 'good' if someone gives it a chance. But that doesn't matter. You're saying women don't like you; so what?

You're acting like women are going to think you're the greatest if they'd just get to know you, and that's not only complete nonsense, it's an extremely damaging mindset to be in. Dating isn't like the standard deduction on your taxes -- if you don't make it happen, it just doesn't happen. You're not getting cheated out of something in any way that is actionable. (It's, in a philosophical sense, unfair that people are varying degrees of attractive to their preferred partner pool; I hear ya. It's not something that is fixable.)

Your opinion of how great you are doesn't matter; they only reliable data you have are your results. If you're not getting the results you want, then you have exactly two options: do better, or go home.

AngeAware · 2025-09-02T17:47:55+00:00

Women do not have a magical autism radar that identifies autism as the reason a man is engaging in behavior or has mannerisms that are unattractive to her or incompatible with her lifestyle.

So "give autistic men a chance" doesn't really mean much. You're going to need to be more specific about what that looks like.

Take my SO for example, who I suspect has autism, but we will never know because his family didn't want him labeled and he doesn't feel much of a desire to be assessed for it. He really struggled with eye contact the first few times we met. Is that a possible sign of autism? Yes. Are there any other number of possible reasons that someone might struggle with eye contact? Yes. I struggled very much with eye contact as a child, and while I can readily do it now it does grow tiring for me still. So I understood him. That is how we were able to connect.

Should someone who values eye contact and feels uncomfortable and awkward in conversations when someone avoids their gaze ignore their own feelings and give that person a chance regardless? I don't think that's a reasonable expectation.

Financial_Leave4411 · 2025-09-02T17:29:43+00:00

No one is forcing you to mask. You can simply accept the social consequences of your disability and move on with your life. No man deserves a woman shaped participation trophy that they can fuck just for existing. Women don’t owe men sex so stop begging/shaming women and either offer women what they want or stay single. There is no other solution when it comes to being in a relationship.

NiceCaterpillar8745 · 2025-09-02T17:22:25+00:00

I suppose this is one of the rare posts where the classic "you're not entitled to a relationship" is the correct response. You can't make someone give you a chance. The best you can do is improve your own chances and hope for the best.

Existing-Sign4804 · 2025-09-02T18:43:10+00:00

Society can make laws that force institutions like schools and workplaces to be inclusive of minorities, including people of different races, genders, and abilities. But that really is “special treatment”. “Normal” people don’t get those exceptions. If I can’t get along with my coworkers, I can be fired. If I can’t do the work in an educational program, I would be failed. And if I can’t attract a partner, I remain single. Unfortunately, for some reason, autistic men have translated that special treatment to an expectation. And assume it can and should be applied to all facets of life. You are given special treatment in schools and workplaces in the western world to give you a chance at survival. Dating is not necessary to survival. If you think that’s unfair, look at what the life of a disabled person is in a third world country or 100 years ago. Be thankful that you weren’t abandoned as a child. Or forced into an institutions. Or left to starve in the streets. The west gives you a chance at survival and you take that to mean you are owed the world. You are not. Be thankful for what you have, use the opportunities you have been given to try to improve yourself to achieve your goals. But do not expect everything to be handed to you.

doggiedoc2004 · 2025-09-02T20:16:05+00:00

In general, in polite society, as long as an individual is respectful, he or she should be treated politely. People who are rude to individuals with neurodiversity without cause are assholes.

However, no woman is required to give their time, attention, lust, attraction to anyone else. We do not have to give anyone a shot. We do not have to cater to a male we don’t know or are not interested in. End of story.

Slipthe · 2025-09-02T19:19:45+00:00

You want someone to enjoy your company. That's the whole point of romantic relationships.

So... be enjoyable.

That's it.

I don't know what you feel compelled to mask, but if you aren't fun to be around... that's really all there is to it.

Solondthewookiee · 2025-09-02T17:25:46+00:00

Not wanting to date someone is not demanding that they "mask" themselves.

First, the claim that women care about the deeper aspects of personality is simply false.

Things like social awareness are part of your personality.

Second, the claim that the personality gaps between autistic men and the rest of society are unbridgeable is false

Who is making this claim?

But these expectations are one-sided

Nobody is expecting you to do anything.

grillopie · 2025-09-02T18:01:49+00:00

what exactly are “deeper” aspects of personality? it does seem consistent with personality mattering a lot.

there is no moral justification for autistic people to mask. if autism is an unattractive trait (not just in dating), that is very unfair and unfortunate, but not really a moral problem. expecting someone to give this person a chance when they dont want to is when it becomes a moral problem.

No-Mulberry7538 · 2025-09-02T18:22:36+00:00

No one owes you anything, just as you do not owe them anything, and everyone masks to some extent initially in dating.

RelevantEscape4535 · 2025-09-02T20:54:54+00:00

Posts like these put neurodivergent and autistic people in a really bad light. They reek of entitlement.

1) the actual percentage of autistic people is very small, so it’s unrealistic to expect women to adjust their dating standards around that. In a pure numbers games they can afford to not bother unless they are looking for a specific type of man.

2) the whole argument about “masking” misses the point. Both men and women want to be with someone’s authentic self. You’re basically saying: “If I’m good at pretending being a normal person, then I deserve a chance.” That’s not attractive , it’s ridiculous.

Masking, is supposed to help someone navigate social spaces. It’s a tool to function and demonstrate you can handle the normal social world and profit from it. It’s not supposed to be obvious. If I dated a girl and realized she was masking, I’d want her to eventually take off that mask. But if her authentic self was something I couldn’t deal with or wasn’t attracted to, why should I stay? Why should anyone? For survival? If being in an intimate relationship is that important/critcal than it would have happened already for autists who seek out partners.

lesliecarbone · 2025-09-02T17:24:48+00:00

Masking is much more difficult for autistic men than women, yet society still pretty much expects them to do it practically their whole lives, especially dating, when women expect them to mask even more. All while usually not even considering even giving a chance to autistic men.

If women are "not even considering even giving a chance to autistic men" to date them,
then how do you know that women expect autistic men to mask when dating?

Realistic-Ad-1023 · 2025-09-02T18:46:05+00:00

You: women are forcing autistic men to mask! I don’t get pussy if I don’t!

Also you: wants to force women to give autistic men they don’t want “a chance.”

No bud. Stay single. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. But you also can’t force anyone else to do anything they don’t want to. They don’t want to date you. You have choice. Stay single or become someone they want to date. You do not have to become someone they want to date. You can remain single and just life your life. Which I recommend. You aren’t owed a relationship for existing.

attendquoi · 2025-09-02T17:24:10+00:00

So we should give pity dates to autistic men? Will we be financially compensated for this? lol

Avast_Lion · 2025-09-02T19:03:05+00:00

There's a lot of ablism toward autistic people, and I'm sure--and I'm sorry--that you've experienced it. IMO since in a lot of places where there are more autistic people (like my nerdy hobby groups*), there's a lot more acceptance of things like hand-flapping and stimming, I do think society can (and should) change and become more accepting of autistic people unmasking and doing things that literally don't hurt anyone but are just a little odd.

I'm not autistic, but I am disabled. I have long covid, which means I can leave my bed for only about 10 hours on a good day and 0 hours on a bad day, and which affects my libido, sometimes severely. This really counts against me in dating, because I can't do a lot of the things people--men especially--want in a partner. I know some autistic women (fewer men, because they aren't writing as much fanfiction) in a similar situations--their disability impairs their ability to, for example, carry a conversation that someone who is not interested in their interests will find interesting and enjoyable, which is important to people who don't share their interests; do casual physical affection and touch, which is important to some people; make eye contact, which is important to how some people feel connection and attraction; sense and understand their partners emotions, which is necessary for some people's ability to feel comforted and understood; etc. Romantic relationships, like friendships, are social connections, so having a social-connecting disability will make them harder. They are also physical relationships, so having a physical disability, like I do, will make them harder. Just like it wouldn't be right for me condemn the whole male gender as shallow, just because I don't think having an able and ambulatory gf should be necessary for the physical part of a definitionally physical relationship, I don't think it's right for you to condemn the whole female gender as shallow if your disability prevents you from fulfilling the social needs of many women in a definitionally social relationship.

That doesn't mean give up hope, obviously--I haven't. There are plenty of women who don't care that much about eye contact (I'm one of them!). There are women for whom caring about and participating in their special interest would be such a god-tier form of social connection that it would make up for deficiencies in other types (I'm one of those, too!) There are women who don't care that much about the other stuff too--autistic and allistic. They're just harder to find.

GridReXX · 2025-09-02T22:42:46+00:00

is illiberal

People are not “illiberal” for not feeling lust for someone.

coiled-serpent · 2025-09-02T23:22:09+00:00

Every normal person in society "masks". This isn't unique to autism. If a person is unable to do this, then they won't be able to have a normal life. That's just how it is.

The entire premise is silly. You realize that we are animals, right? We all get intrusive thoughts and urges that we suppress and hide to manage our reputations.

MyLastBestChance · 2025-09-02T19:52:22+00:00

You seem to believe that women are a resource that should be equally and fairly distributed to men…and that women are obligated to ensure that they are personally taking their share “for the team”.

Access to women’s personal lives and bodies is NOT the same as access to public buildings and being denied access to individual women is not an injustice.

We don’t need to provide “special accommodations” to grant anyone access to ourselves and our bodies in order to avoid hypocrisy.

Flightlessbirbz · 2025-09-02T17:44:50+00:00

Masking is much more difficult for autistic men than women

Do we know that? We know that autistic men do tend to mask less, but I’m not sure there’s any way of knowing if it’s really any easier for autistic women, or just more socially conditioned. I also know that autistic women tend to suffer from anxiety more so than autistic men, which is likely a side effect of higher masking, and suggests to me that perhaps it’s not actually “easier” for women.

As a neurodivergent person, of course I wish that society were more accommodating to autistic and neurodivergent people in general. But when it comes to dating, what exactly is the proposed solution here?

When it comes to things like school and work, we can implement actual structural changes that can make these spaces more accessible for neurodivergent people. Schools and workplaces have rules, structure. But when it comes to dating, making friends, socializing in general, there are no such rules and structure, it is purely based on people’s desire to interact or not interact with certain individuals, for whatever reason, no explanation needed. And I think the vast majority of people would agree that is how it should be and must be.

Greater awareness and understanding of autism is probably the best we can do on the “social acceptance” front. But ultimately, autistic or not, nobody is obliged to date or hang out with anyone else. Everyone is entitled to what I’d call “professional courtesy,” but nothing more in this regard.

Feeling_Ad_1034 · 2025-09-02T17:55:41+00:00

Women should make a special exception for me, and then they should also develop a genuine attraction to me as if they never gave me a special exception.

alwaysright0 · 2025-09-02T17:49:52+00:00

How do you know its easier for women to mask?

No one is asking men to mask.

You do you, hopefully someone likes you as you are.

Few-Yesterday9628 · 2025-09-02T18:27:21+00:00

You can either improve your personality for a chance at a normal relationship. Or don't. No one is forcing or expecting you to do anything.

Imagine if women just started demanding Chads give them a chance because they took a long time to get ready, otherwise, they're not going to make themselves look nice anymore. 😂

harmonica2 · 2025-09-02T18:40:22+00:00

why is masking more difficult for men?

ScruffleKun · 2025-09-02T20:35:15+00:00

Romantic relationships are social relationships. if you want to have a romantic relationship with someone, you have to create a social relationship where they feel attraction towards you. What is fair, in an individual or societal sense, is only tangentially relevant here.

Morgoth_Worshipper · 2025-09-02T21:28:34+00:00

I am autistic myself but in no way would I ever want to date an autistic male, they are often incredibly toxic and misogynistic.

Inevitable-Bite8660 · 2025-09-02T22:44:13+00:00

Stop obsessing over NT women—just date an autistic woman instead. When two autistic people are together, there’s no need to “mask,” communication feels so much smoother, and in my case, we’ve been together for over three years without a single fight.

MiddleZealousideal89 · 2025-09-02T17:17:10+00:00

I don't think anyone expects them to do anything. If you want X, and you're not getting it as you currently are, you should probably change something that is preventing you from getting X. Doing it doesn't mean they'll succeed in obtaining X, they still might not get it for a number of reasons. Especially in terms of interpersonal relationships, people aren't obligated to give you a shot because you just really want them to. It sucks, but that is the unfortunate reality of the situation.

growframe · 2025-09-02T17:47:09+00:00

No one needs to give you a chance.

Dating is unfair, sorry.

DenverKim · 2025-09-02T17:32:27+00:00

Why don’t you just date an autistic woman who you actually get along with and leave the ones who don’t like you alone instead of trying to “mask” yourself in an effort to manipulate them into wanting wanting you?

KayRay1994 · 2025-09-02T18:06:04+00:00

Here is the thing: lots of autistic men tend to do okay and figure things out after, of course, struggling at first. It also isn’t even a question of masking or “maximizing attractiveness”

Tbh I think blaming autism for your dating struggles is a convenient deflection. It certainly is harder than an NT person to date but it isn’t this impossible barrier stopping you completely. I’m just saying, maybe the issue isn’t the autism

MysterySolverDog · 2025-09-02T21:30:19+00:00

I'm seeing a lot of "interesting" replies here.

OP, I think you can make a stronger argument by comparing the rates of relationship success between autistic men and women, autistic women have a significantly higher success rate than the men do. This shows it isn't inherent, there's negative sentiments aimed specifically at the men. We can also compare the relationship success rates between autism and other neurodivergence. Again, we can see that autism is punished particularly harshly.

I think asking for "a chance" feels too prescriptive and asks for a lot. Personally I prefer to focus on "what happens if I do mask?" From my own experience, when I mask and decide to be significantly more agreeable than the average person, I get socially excluded or kept on the peripheries anyway. So it isn't as simple as some users are pretending. The reality is that autism results in negative social outcomes across the board. Studies show people do make thin slice negative judgements about autistic people.

Here's my question to the people who want to just call OP entitled and be done with it: Do you feel negatively about autistic people? Are we ever allowed to speak about how negative views of autistic people affect our dating experience, or do you expect us to just stay quiet and endure it?

TinyFlamingo2147 · 2025-09-02T18:00:08+00:00

I'm sorry dude, most autistic men I know are dating autistic goth baddies.

They don't mask shit.

jadzia_d4x · 2025-09-02T19:26:58+00:00

I think you need to lay out the groundwork that shows "women expect autistic men to mask" in a way that goes beyond the how standard neurotypical people do this implicitly by not understanding autism.

Without that, feels more like projection of the pressure anyone with autism feels to mask because of societal norms. I say this not as a dismissal, but as someone deeply sympathetic to how you feel. I think these feelings are very valid, but I need to be convinced of the cause and effect.

illicitli · 2025-09-03T00:24:14+00:00

i am so fucking tired of this neurotypical and neurodivergent conversation. everyone is different. be yourself, work on yourself and put yourself out there to meet people OR never change, complain and blame genetics while you become an incel. the choice is yours.

ThickyJames · 2025-09-03T00:58:36+00:00

Lesson of the thread: PPD is full of NDs, which shouldn't be surprising (but is because I argue with ye on here and my conditioned expectation is ND = no repetitive arguing and choosing to act like you don't get the point), and explains a lot.

Tiny_Celebration_591 · 2025-09-03T03:23:06+00:00

As a late stage diagnosed autistic woman (Asperger's end of the spectrum), where are you getting these "facts"? Autism is HARD period. Dating with autism, hell making and maintaining friends as a person with autism is hard. Autistic women often experience a lifetime of having their struggles invalidated (especially if they weren't diagnosed early). I'm genuinely curious if you are going off of lived opinion or some factual data?

ViolentShallot · 2025-09-02T17:50:00+00:00

You're wrong. Women do care about deeper aspects of personality, it just doesn't affect attraction.

Exactly the same way men do, by the way, no good heart is going to make a man approach a woman that's easier to vault over than to walk around.

You don't need to "mask all your life" except if you intend to keep on dating and never go into a committed, loving relationship.

Else you need to mask for long enough to get into a good relationship with a good woman, which is when your "deeper aspects of personality" come into play.

Ok_Win5705 · 2025-09-02T17:27:12+00:00

In all honesty lack of social skills is just a direct alert to a woman NOT to procreate with an autistic man. It’s hereditary. It’s a danger to her offspring’s survival.

It’s not personal.

FitnessBeth · 2025-09-02T17:32:54+00:00

Autistic men aren't owed anything.

-Shes-A-Carnival · 2025-09-02T17:41:10+00:00

no one expects anything of you, no one cares if you date or fuck, it is not other people's responsibility to make you desirable

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SwimmingTheme3736 · 2025-09-02T18:02:49+00:00

I know a lot of happily married autistic men including my husband

zgtlunatic · 2025-09-02T18:37:04+00:00

OP, I think these are probably worth a read. You might learn something from them:

https://www.nature.com/articles/srep40700 | Look at "Static Frame" & "Audio Visual"; they imply there is a look and a voice (which brings us to the next 3 links)

Identification of Autism in Children Using Static Facial Features and Deep Neural Networks - PMC

Clinical research: Facial features can help diagnose autism | The Transmitter: Neuroscience News and Perspectives

Nasal voice in boys with high-functioning autism spectrum disorder (Nasal voice = mouthbreathing, which we all know destroys the facial development). This occurs in the women too sometimes

weenieandthebutt · 2025-09-02T19:02:46+00:00

I'm autistic but you just gotta work with the cards you've been dealt. I understand as a man I'm not owed anything but one thing I'll say is bluepill advice doesn't offer anything to autistic men whilst at least redpill offers some sort of direction/rationality.

RavenEridan · 2025-09-02T19:19:30+00:00

I can talk about how my dating life went way better as an autistic male if you've got a moment.

Downtown_Cat_1745 · 2025-09-02T20:27:30+00:00

I don’t think that autistic women expect autistic men to mask. I agree that you shouldn’t feel obligated to mask. Even moreso, I think masking is a bad idea if you are looking for a relationship.

That said, nobody is obligated to want you back.

LillthOfBabylon · 2025-09-02T20:47:48+00:00

Masking is a dumb term. Work on your social skills.

angryanduncertain · 2025-09-02T22:18:02+00:00

How a man behaves factors pretty heavily into his sex appeal, while women have a bit more freedom to be odd, quiet, or passive, without losing much sex appeal. This sucks for autistic men, but its not anyone's fault. People of all genders are born with dating disadvantages

ThickyJames · 2025-09-02T23:54:02+00:00

I was very good at wearing an NT mask for decades (better than the NTs, I could create connection-feeling with 4/5 people in minutes to <1 hour, whether as camaraderie or dating "spark"), until, without apparent cause or explanation, one day I was not, with no transition. The closest analogy is to pitching or golfing and getting yipped on one delivery, and having the yips from then on.

I hadn't connected that to my utter fucking failure in the dating market since that time, but had focused more on amotivation, which is an excellent justification for cranking your stim intake as far as your budget will allow (and beyond if you don't have a 7-figure net worth or tech bro TC: IME that is around the point where dose increases to literally not literally fatal overtake economic limiting factors) and objective metrics like time to respond to text (>48h from 9m baseline) and how those would attract low-investment, low-maintenance people whose attachment style was more "slightly give a fuck, maybe" than either avoidant, cllinger, or lover.

Thanks for the catalyzed insight.

Jake0024 · 2025-09-03T03:04:33+00:00

Being tolerant of a group of people doesn't require having sex with anyone.

statsfodder · 2025-09-02T19:53:34+00:00

No, you mask and upgrade yourself, FOR YOURSELF.

Otherwise be low energy, wallow and just stfu, because at the end of the day you choose....

MarioWilson122 · 2025-09-02T17:25:32+00:00

Unfortunately, dating is very fair, especially for average men. So expecting men to have it easier because of whatever issue is not very likely to happen. Would be nice, but a man has to be realistic

Grow_peace_in_Bedlam · 2025-09-02T17:42:42+00:00

This is why I think passport bro'ing can be a good strategy for mildly autistic guys. When mildly non-NT behavior comes out, you can play it off as just being foreign.

EDIT: An exaggerated depiction of this maneuver was seen in the old SNL skit, the Coneheads, who were silly humanoid aliens with bizarre behavior who managed to get people to avoid asking too many questions about them by saying they were "from France."

WebNew9978 · 2025-09-02T17:57:12+00:00

Well we autistic men have to be mask and upgrade our entire lives to have a slim chance at dating a woman while a NT doesn’t have to do those things and still land dates. Why? It’s because we are the minority in this world. We are different, we are abnormal, etc. People really can’t handle someone or a group of people being different. Whether it being because color of skin, religion they follow, location, political party, etc.

I know your point is that you want autistic men to have a more fair and balanced chance at having a romantic life like NT’s do. But that’s just never going to happen. Women (both NT and autistic) don’t want to date/be with autistic men. Autistic men are at the very bottom of the dating totem pole. Women would rather have a potential abusive relationship with a NT man over a potential “good” relationship with an autistic man. Why? Because the abusive man is NT.

NT People will never believe/admit to this but I do believe NT people (especially women) have a subconscious thought that all autistic men should be nothing more than asexual worker drones. They work and remain as KHHV until they die

marthasheen · 2025-09-02T18:13:02+00:00

I think it's fair enough for women to never give autistic men a chance. As an autistic man you just have to recalibrate your expectations. I know women wouldn't piss on me if I was on fire so I treat women in the same way.

Poppy_Luvv · 2025-09-02T21:22:30+00:00

The claim that women care about the deeper aspects of personality is false. At least as you understood it to be. So why are you still expecting this world to run by that falsehood?

Women generally want a social connection in addition to a physical one in sex an dating. Social connection is not some magical deep thing, it's something normal/well adjusted/properly socialized people can form fairly easily. But no, women are not the gender interested in the "soul" or whatever, they're here for vibes. Eventually after "vibing" deeper connection can come.

There is a good argument for wider acceptance of autistic traits, the ones that are harmless and not anti-social, just stigmatized for falling outside of the norm. But the issue for a good portion of high functioning autistic guys in my experience is, the biggest tell is the anti-social autistic traits. I was at a work thing this an autistic guy, and he kept trying to show me stuff I clearly was signaling I had no interest in and he coming back from little break-off groups trashing his partners to me.

You're proposal would work from the nice autistic guy who is super into Magic: The Gathering, don't be shallow and judge him for that. He's cool and chill if a little weird. It's not going to help autistic guys who tbf come off as rude or mean or worse. That stuff kills vibes and more exposure to it is only gonna pull it into the negative. Caretakers of autistic mean need to step in before boys are allowed to develop into that type of guy. It's not up to the men's peers.

Humbly_Explore · 2025-09-02T22:16:10+00:00

This is not an easy road for a partner. Better to not mask and find someone who accepts you. Here's what AI says about having an autistic man for a normie partner:

AI OverviewBeing married to an autistic man involves challenges like misinterpreting social cues, sensory sensitivities, and differing needs for routine and communication, but it can also be a loving and successful partnership with patience, explicit communication, and mutual understanding. Key strategies include educating yourself on autism, clearly expressing needs and expectations, respecting his sensory needs and routines, providing structure, and seeking support from specialized therapists or support groups. Common Challenges

Communication Differences:Autistic individuals may struggle to interpret non-verbal cues, leading to misunderstandings, and may communicate more literally and directly than neurotypical partners.
Sensory Sensitivities:Heightened sensitivity to things like touch, noise, or crowded environments can affect comfort and intimacy in the relationship.
Social and Emotional Reciprocity:Challenges in social interactions and emotional expression can make partners feel distant, as the autistic partner may struggle to understand or respond to emotional needs.
Need for Routine and Predictability:A strong adherence to routines can lead to friction if a neurotypical partner prefers spontaneity or has different preferences.
"Mind-Blindness":Difficulty understanding the thoughts, feelings, or perspectives of others (a concept known as theory of mind) can lead to unintentional insensitivity or a perceived lack of transparency.

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DelDivision · 2025-09-02T17:37:31+00:00

Well thats the only option they have. It's either that or theyre SOL. Cope, or the thing that rhymes with it

Soft-Neat8117 · 2025-09-02T17:43:24+00:00

Most humans are abelist. It is what it is unfortunately.

Reasonable_Mouse789 · 2025-09-02T17:49:01+00:00

Being an ugly autistic man that doesn’t have pleasant habits is essentially the “homeless guy” of dating. There are dating accommodations for people without social skills, such as online dating, but no one is going to be outgoing for you if you’re single, even if your female equivalent exists & would date you

BobtheArcher2018 · 2025-09-02T18:07:10+00:00

Society has a stake in mating, but collective action should generally be reserved for things that really impact the whole system and essential functions of the polity. I'm not sure how autistic men do in dating meets that threshold. Possibly if the number continue to rise.

NonbinaryYolo · 2025-09-02T19:01:57+00:00

As a neurodivergent person here's my contribution to this conversation.

The hardest part about trying to develop social skills is everyone's trying to work you over, and no one actually wants to explain shit in a basic understandable way. I try to meet people have way, and get treated like shit, and then have to spend a shit ton of time trying to figure out what the fuck is even going on. I've mostly concluded people are insane.

A lot of the shit I needed to hear is really fucking basic, work on yourself, and all that shit. The problem is I grew up around a lot of social activism. So I've been told you're suppose to treat people x,y,z way, and that's basic respect, aaaand it's taken me long time to realize that's mostly just bullshit social politics, and people preach, but don't practice. Validation, attention, social support, those are valuable assets. People want that shit. Learning my actual social worth has been huge. I use to be down on myself, but I genuinely do have a ton of value to other people, the issue was primarily I how I hold myself. I was a cow giving milk for free wondering why I was destitute.

It's hilarious too, because I went from thinking I would die alone, because I didn't possess conventional qualities to being a person that gets tons of attention, but if I try to contradict the men have no value myth, both men and women jump on me, and I'm I'm treated like I'm treated like some arrogant asshole.

It's It's really interesting to watch the culture I grew up in from the outside. To try and understand what the subtext is.

This is a massive tangent lmao! But the one topic I find really overt and interesting is the open relationship trope. People fucking HATE men that want open relationships. And I know you're going to say it's because they pressure women, but I don't think that's it, from actually talking to people, and debating, right now, the root issue I've seen is that people see women as settling for men. In a relationship, it's generally assumed that the woman had to settle for the guy. And people get really pissed off at the prospect of some guys ego betting bloated because his wife settled for him, and now he thinks he can go and be a king in the dating world.

I feel really bad for those dudes because in my experience, dating as a dude just a skill, a skill you can develop. It has little to do with your actual qualities, it's about the chemistry you have with people, and that chemistry can easily be tweeked and modified and worked on.

I don't know 🤣 Like... I gotten with every fantasy girl I had growing up at this point. Goth girls, punk girls, the manic pixie dream girl, my massage therapist, fucking girls from work, older women. No one classy, but I can pickup classy women, but have turned down multiple dates, because I just didn't feel it.

And like I've picked up women when I was bald, fat, ungroomed, and unemployed.

Another add on point. I worked in a place for 3 years. I dated one girl there in my last 3 months and after that I had 4 other coworkers making moves on me.

Temporary-Flight-192 · 2025-09-02T21:01:42+00:00

First, the claim that women care about the deeper aspects of personality is simply false. Personality is the most malleable aspect of one’s being

Sorry, but none of this makes a lick of sense. Autism doesn’t affect your personality? You literally aren’t dateable because of your personality. Women don’t like your personality. Personality characteristics of autism are real and quantifiable.

the claim that the personality gaps between autistic men and the rest of society are unbridgeable is false, or at least hypocritical

Okay? You also claim personality is malleable. So if you are the odd man out, the aspie in an overwhelmingly normie world, change your personality. Bridge the gap then.

Your logic is like someone from Iceland moving to Minnesota, and then bitching it’s so unfair that the people in Minnesota won’t bridge the gap by learning Icelandic.

I don’t think there is any moral justification for expecting autistic men to practically try to do exactly that, while claiming it is impossible when it’s up to society, especially women, to do something when it comes to dating

That’s like saying there is no moral justification for people in Minnesota not to try and learn Icelandic. It’s not the responsibility of the 99% to cater to your needs. If you want to connect to people in Minnesota, you’re going to have try to learn English.

Santa-Teresa · 2025-09-02T22:28:07+00:00

People do date to get to know the other person better and while yes, everyone wants it to be fun, but people do, or at least should calculate with the possibility of it ending with a failure. This doesn’t make people stop dating though.

If you claim that you care about personality and are not interested in me after, say, three dates, be my guest. But if you do the former and would ditch me immediately just because I didn’t always look into your eyes when we first talked then yes, you are hypocritical. Considering how often I see women talking about the importance of this, a better analogy would be a vegetarian eating meat every day at least for lunch. You simply can’t have it both ways.

Putrid-Storage-9827 · 2025-09-02T22:41:05+00:00

Using your little autism words like masking itself makes it sound like some considered thing, as if normies have thought about the matter deeply and made a considered, cruel decision that you have to put a lot of stress and effort into hiding who you are or whatever.

It's really not that deep. They don't like autists because they're annoying. They just want you to be like the other apes, or failing that to be obviously a genius to compensate or whatever.

It's a lot like being a foreigner in some ways. Most normal people don't like foreigners simply because they're weird, annoying, and different. Logically, they "should" know foreigners were born and raised different, but that doesn't matter, they just want them to snap out of it and be like the rest OR be a recognisable meme stereotype, that might be interesting or cool even.

This is a case where the whitepill is that people aren't deliberately as cruel as you think. Just thoughtless and a bit selfish.

TheBroke1234 · 2025-09-03T02:55:37+00:00

"Masking" is a dangerous concept, depending on what behaviors you are trying to mask.
IMO it depends on the severity of the autism, sometimes it alone is so bad, ya you gotta work on masking it.

But usually autism comes with comorbid social anxiety, and the social anxiety will hold you back more, and it is also the problem that is easier to treat. In cases of mild autism, again in more severe cases the autism might be worse..

Women are more turned off if you come off like a pussy or low status than anything else. Just having a monotone voice or making unnatural eye contact doesn't automatically make you seem like a pussy.

I only have two lays, but I did get them both in the last 6 months.. I gave up on trying to present myself as some socially fluent normie, and instead I have focused on giving less fucks, and working on my own self-esteem. Exposure therapy is really important, and remember the bar is probably lower than you think.

Some women are into cold unemotional vibes, these are actually masculine traits. You just have to drop the very feminine neuroticism and anxiety that autistic guys so often develop from having bad childhoods and not knowing how to properly think about the rejections we faced back then.

Lost_Reaction_5489 · 2025-09-03T03:18:01+00:00

Yeah, NO, as an autistic woman masking is literal hell forced on us by society. We don't get the luxury of being our actual selves, and many of us reach our 30s without knowing WHY our lives are complete shit because all the literature is focused on people like you. That you haven't used your decades of advantage to cultivate good romantic prospects is your own issue like it is for each of us our own issue.

ThickyJames · 2025-09-03T01:16:08+00:00

OP: stop leaning on statistics and medicine or anything external to make excuses, rationalize, or justify yourself to others, however justified it may seem to you.

Don't justify yourself to others, for I say unto ye, He who justifieth himself shall never be justified, yet he who remaineth unjustified is already justified in me. As you have heard, he who saith, "I don't mean to be an asshole, but..." hath already condemned himself before the eyes of man, but the asshole who assertest without justification may yet be saved.

Ok_Win5705 · 2025-09-02T17:25:20+00:00

Autism looks horrible on men. It’s the lack of social skills.

Santa-Teresa · 2025-09-02T18:49:06+00:00

It’s hard to meet requirements because they are not what they are claimed to be.

bzl33 · 2025-09-02T17:32:57+00:00

Not autistic but I kinda agree. A lot of people talk so much about "social skills" but more people than ever are introverts who barely go out. What is the benefit having "social skills" if you aren't social?

it's like all the people online who complain about booze being down when nothing is stopping you from going out with friends and having drinks.

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