What would be the female equivalent of a man being traumatized by his wife/GF's sexual past?

kissmetilyouredrunk · 2021-08-31T21:45:27+00:00

The man putting in more romantic effort with previous girlfriends. That's easily just as hurtful

Madssmkay · 2021-08-31T21:09:44+00:00

I don’t think there’s a real way to draw comparison but I’ll try. I’d say when a woman was with a man for years (let’s say 3) and he gave her every excuse under the sun for why he wasn’t ready for marriage/ wasn’t going to propose yet.

They eventually break up and he ends up proposing to the new girl within a year and is gushing about how excited he is to wed her etc.

This is an article where the author went through that. He dated her for 8yrs and he got engaged to a woman he was dating for 6 months after her… It leads a woman to think “what did she have that I didn’t” that compelled her ex to overcome his prior reservations regarding marrying her.

Tia-Chung · 2021-09-01T03:23:43+00:00

Maybe a man marrying a younger woman after being married to you for 20-30 years. But then again that's in hindsight, so I dunno.

qclady · 2021-08-31T22:44:29+00:00

Eh, I’ve never concerned myself with what my partners did before or after me.

I’ve been in long term relationships that weren’t great and then they moved on and gotten married to the next woman, I figure that they probably were more compatible than we were. It wasn’t anything wrong with me, just a bad fit.

I don’t ask about previous sex in my relationships. I don’t really care, they are choosing to be with me and seem to enjoy the sex so I assume all is good and as expected.

Flightlessbirbz · 2021-08-31T22:32:56+00:00

Something like a man refusing to marry his girlfriend of five years despite her expressing a desire for marriage, maybe making excuses like “it’s just a piece of paper,” and then proposing to his next girlfriend after a year would absolutely be as traumatic if not way more than what you describe. I’ve never experienced this directly but have heard stories from other women. Even just having a guy you’re dating say he’s “not ready for a relationship” and try to be fwb, then turn around and get into a relationship with someone else, can be pretty traumatic. Or finding out your man invested way more time, money, affection on his ex. All of these experiences leave one wondering “what was wrong with me?” But it’s going to happen to most people at some point in some way. If you’re suicidal about it, you may need therapy.

throwawaythis2020 · 2021-08-31T23:06:37+00:00

😹 guys wanting variety, not knowing what love is and only having sexual feelings for girls is equally traumatizing. If guys knew girls lacked sexual passion they wouldn’t care as much about their past

SeaSquirrel · 2021-09-01T03:51:00+00:00

Why not the same exact thing?

vial_of_music · 2021-09-01T00:23:03+00:00

Considering I don’t want to get married or have kids, i’m not all too sure. I think it would really hurt my ego if he said something like “my ex rides my dick so much better than you” i would definitely be upset.

But if his ex truly did, I would much rather just him tell me what he likes and how he likes it. Leave the whole mentioning ex thing out. It would just hurt my ego.

I’ve fortunately never have experienced anything insanely traumatizing. I think it’s definitely okay for people to try things with people, not like them, and not continue to do them in their next relationship. So i wouldn’t hold something like that over their head.

I’m in my early 20s- so even if I did see my ex treating his next relationship better- i would be happy for him. As in he has obviously matured and seems to be in a good spot.

I would never, in millions of years, subject myself to feelings of suicide over a man.

ThrowRAmtf · 2021-09-01T03:58:49+00:00

scar about sexual past and scar about commitment are both sides of the same coin.

Contrapoints has uploaded recently a video on "Envy" which might be important here.

men are envious of the other men which their girlfriend has had because they had a younger body and maybe obtained things from her that she is not willing to give them.

women are envious of the future women a man has because they will get the fruit of "their work", this is why women are generically more vindicative in a divorce. They want to make tabula rasa so than no other woman would choose that wreck of a men after a divorce.

Orange_Paisley · 2021-08-31T21:14:47+00:00

Marrying or having a kid with some other woman. Even with exes I don’t want back, there is something cringe about them giving a higher level of commitment to someone that they did not give me.

-Suicide-squid · 2021-09-01T01:29:32+00:00

Can anyone offer insight into OP's claims? I don't understand why something like that would be so horribly detrimental to the male partner. People's sex drives and the thing they enjoy change, don't they?

peachycreaam · 2021-09-01T04:22:33+00:00

same example as what you mentioned for men tbh. I think being devalued by someone you’re in love with would be hurtful to anyone. In one of my girl talk FB groups a lot of women mentioned feeling hurt about their man having been freakier in bed with the ex than he is with them, liking her body more, treating her better.

chalkandapples · 2021-08-31T21:34:45+00:00

Other people said committing faster or spending more money etc. That’s probably similar, but honestly there’s nothing I can think of that would cut my self confidence or anything that deep. There’s nothing that would tigger such an reaction. Maybe I just don’t have existing trauma related to commitment or not feeling wanted, but some girls just ask for more, and the guy is likely to spend more/commit faster if she asks for it, and that’s normal and ok.

death_by_1000_cats · 2021-08-31T23:16:39+00:00

I think finding out he had a kid with someone else that I didn't know about would similarly traumatize me. I can't think of anything else non-criminal that would bother me about someone's past.

Mark_Freed · 2021-09-01T03:59:25+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Whisper · 2021-09-02T20:54:43+00:00

Being traumatized by your man's sexual present (having other partners).

LetsDelveIntoIt1 · 2021-08-31T21:06:02+00:00

It can cut incredibly deep, make a guy question everything about himself, scar him for life, even make him suicidal.

I don't think most people are this mentally weak. Women who've been cheated on, or whose SO's refused marriage but went on to marry the very next GF, they would face similar hurt and pain, and perhaps scar a bit, but most mentally healthy women get over it. Men in your hypothetical would get over the sex angle, too.

Anyone who carries around their negative experiences forever, leave alone contemplates suicide over regular life experiences, is a mentally weak and damaged person. They need to work on their health.

superlurkage · 2021-08-31T21:36:39+00:00

Obviously some other woman getting commitment/the ring

Men/sex = women/commitment

poppy_blu · 2021-09-01T00:20:24+00:00

Closest thing i can think of: One I hear a lot is dating a guy for years and he won’t propose, you break up and he’s proposes to his next girlfriend after like 6 months.

You don’t think it’s analogous be she like most men here you have trouble putting yourself in someone else’s shoes.

Twebified · 2021-09-01T00:59:36+00:00

Finding out the man you're with used to be filthy rich but blew it all on other women.

TakeThePinkPill · 2021-08-31T22:46:06+00:00

Well your example is about the person's past with someone else. I honestly can't think of anything like this that I would care about. I do not understand the logic of losing sleep over this, try as I might

The only thing I really care about is within a real relationship with someone - betrayal in any form including abandonment. And I can't even say all women are like that bc a lot of women find a way to keep going. I'm not one of these people. I've even had a period in my life where I wondered if I should just become a single mother by choice so that should a future partner be unfaithful, my DNA is not permanently linked to someone I want to cut out of my life.

gordovondoom · 2021-09-01T01:08:46+00:00

i honestly wonder who asks for somebodies sexual past? especially when i read something like “she is my forst/second gf” and dude is like mid 20s, or older... everybody has more sexual past then... also: it doesnt matter at all, if it bothers someone too much, they can still leave the relationship...

YMaedchen · 2021-09-01T04:30:46+00:00

If a guy feels suicidal cause his gf tried anal with her ex but doesn't want to do it with him cause she didn't enjoy it back then, he can go right ahead.

Idk what would be the female equivalent. I think knowing that he did relationship milestones with his ex that he isn't willing to do with you. Like moving in together, getting to know his family and all that.

goatismycopilot · 2021-09-01T01:37:05+00:00

In what context did the OP talk to several psychiatrists about this?

DreamsOfWishes · 2021-08-31T22:06:35+00:00

Finding out that the guy is a red piller (or simular) or used to be.

Ladyofblades · 2021-09-01T08:13:23+00:00

“Traumatic” seems kind of too severe a word to use. What the heck. Secondary dick trauma?

I’d say this is more like anxiety

glintglib · 2021-08-31T23:39:38+00:00

I know that if the girlfriend discovered that her boyfriend in his past had dated a girl in her teens when he was say 7+ yrs older if would freak out a lot of them. Traumatized is not the word I would use though.

UrFoodMolestedMyNose · 2021-09-01T01:37:48+00:00

Probably a guy who went overseas to get sex or used a hooker is the closest thing. Generally though I doubt there’s any real comparison.

CrazyBaby8891 · 2021-09-01T01:37:52+00:00

[permanently deleted]

2021-09-01T07:31:16+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Mrs_Drgree · 2021-09-01T08:13:47+00:00

[permanently deleted]

sniper1905 · 2021-09-01T09:55:08+00:00

Here’s a post about it. Just look at the comments.

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/j0qybu/my_exwife_f38_and_i_m38_divorced_because_i_was/?utm_source=amp&utm_medium=&utm_content=post_body

Local-Coast3182 · 2021-09-01T17:19:30+00:00

Are women not turned off by men with a lot of sexual partners or if they were more adventurous or kinky with them? I know my one friend who has 80+ sex partners and it's always a problem in his relationships.

GigaKarenEnergy · 2021-09-02T06:07:49+00:00

Seeing that he still holds a torch for one or more of his exes. Many men STILL aren’t over their longtime gfs from decades ago. It’s so weird.

A lot of them have whole ass wives and still have a thing of his ex from 10+ years ago.

randomTAgirl · 2021-09-02T11:18:44+00:00

I was a year into my relationship with my boyfriend when I saw all the money he spent on a woman out of state before we met, years of gifts he sent her, that had to of added up to thousands of dollars. Yeah, for me that hurt a little, because I always made a point of being fair with money, helped him pay off his debt, put a roof over his head, and never expected gifts, flowers, dinner etc. It felt for a bit like oof did he just like her better than me? We talked about it, and he explained that he was immature and had a simpy past and regrets it, and one of the things he loves and appreciates about me is how I'm frugal and low maintenance and understanding, that I'm better for him, and that past women definitely don't matter anymore. He asked if I wish I had more gifts, and I said no, it was just me questioning my value to him, and he reassured me.

It's funny, I explained how the initial shock felt kind of like how I hear guys feel when they find out about their gfs sexual past. It's a little humiliating when you treat your partner much better than their ex did but it seems like the ex was given special treatment. I had to be a grown-up and keep my composure, and remind myself I'm not materialistic like his ex, I respect him and I'm not insecure. So you could translate this in a sexual context: I'm not abusive like her ex, I respect her and I'm not insecure.

Overall great experience in learning maturity and communication. It's not worth ending a good relationship over. You have to step into their shoes and think, they're with you because you treat them well, and they aren't slacking with sex/gifts based on your value, they're giving those things less because it was never sustainable to begin with.

Flat_Plane_V8 · 2021-09-02T16:28:05+00:00

After the break up man goes on to marry, have a fulfilling relationship and children with another woman---------------->This breaks down a woman

zerofeetpersecond · 2021-09-02T23:31:48+00:00

Finding out the guy spent his fortune on the ex.

zerofeetpersecond · 2021-09-02T23:33:12+00:00

Finding out he spent a fortune on his ex.

midwestufohunter · 2021-08-31T23:08:47+00:00

I need to see a man saying he goes into his limbic system fight or flight mode when he hears his gf has had sex before.

There is nothing like this bc that’s entitled and insane.

PollaTronante · 2021-09-01T01:44:10+00:00

A lot of guys (and several psychiatrists I know) attest to the fact that one of the most traumatic things that can happen to a young man is having some kind of sexual problem in a relationship, only to find out that the girl he loved was way more sexual with someone else. Whether it's a girl who was frigid with him then immediately slept with some random guy after they broke up, or learning his partner did dirtier things with exes than she did with him, or whatever. It can cut incredibly deep, make a guy question everything about himself, scar him for life, even make him suicidal.

I'll take "Things I don't buy" for $200, Alex.

If you choosing to compare yourself to your partner's past or future partners "scars you for life" or prompts you to consider suicide, you need immediate professional help and should not be in a relationship until you get your personal issues sorted out. And make no mistake, they are YOUR personal issues, not your partner's.

Incredible.

velvetunderground111 · 2021-09-01T04:17:47+00:00

If this is one of the most "traumatic" things that ever happened to you, you have had a cushy ass life. Weak generation, man. Very weak. And I would like to see studies where actual shrinks claim this can give you PTSD-level trauma, which I doubt.

womandatory · 2021-09-01T11:50:35+00:00

Absolutely. Her partner expecting her to perform a sex act with him that she did with a previous partner that she hated and it literally traumatized her, and then saying that her refusal to engage in that act with him, the one that left her feeling degraded, abused or traumatized previously is somehow an act of abuse against him.

That her current partner would literally be such a raging fucking narcissistic sociopathic asshole to demand that she do something that she tried once and hated with him, simply because she did it before with someone else (and deeply regretted it) because he feels emasculated by the fact she won’t degrade and traumatize herself again with him, because he feels that somehow he is owed her degradation and trauma and that her physical, emotional and mental well-being are not nearly as important as his desire for her to humiliate and degrade herself so he can orgasm.

Yeah, that.

Are you fucking kidding me??

quiturbitchn · 2021-08-31T21:07:13+00:00

From personal experience I would say no. But I also never understood why men compare the sexual relationship he has with a woman to other relationships she has had. Never really understood why anyone would bother caring about something that doesn’t involve them and taking it to heart so much.

Mimoxs · 2021-09-01T02:48:01+00:00

It can cut incredibly deep, make a guy question everything about himself, scar him for life, even make him suicidal.

If it has this significant of an impact, you have deeper issues that need to be resolved.

terrn1981 · 2021-09-01T09:36:55+00:00

I think any man who is "traumatized" by their new gf having sexual boundries(where she let herself be degraded in her previous relationship), needs serious therapy. How mentally fragile, mentally weak, pathetic, can someone be?

Ok_Razzmatazz_1751 · 2021-08-31T23:53:35+00:00

The man committing faster, introducing the new one to his family, friends, being vocally proud. Think this is probably the most hurtful for women . Another is if he gets the new one pregnant and he didn't want children with the previous....

The reason why I say the children one is because my husband now was married to his ex-wife and she wanted children and he didn't want children with her, they ended up divorcing over that situation and then when we got together his whole world changed on that subject we have 1 child together .

thetruthishere_ · 2021-08-31T21:41:39+00:00

If you're scared that deeply over sex you need help.

Edit, yes keep downvoting the truth if you're that scared you actually need help. Man or a women. Sex is not supposed to scar you into suicide or cut so deep you are a mess. Or sex they had with another.

Good-Strong · 2021-09-01T17:56:06+00:00

There isn't any, because the vast majority of us are nowhere near that level of insecurity lol.

Anyone getting suicidal over their partner's sexual past is clearly not well at all to begin with (with the exception of finding out they participate in sexual abuse of some sort, in which case it is understandable).

TomorrowsWar · 2021-09-01T00:48:38+00:00

Who feels suicidal because their gf had sex with other people… I’m sorry to say that… is weak… how sad for them

The equivalent is him coming out as gay or trans while you’re in the relationship.

Being sad your ex moved on faster or married her faster isn’t the same because they’re not together. And even men react poorly to this. There’s no shortage of posts about her moving on faster than him and having kids fast and marrying fast after a breakup. It’s heartbreaking but it happens

0seagirl · 2021-09-01T09:24:05+00:00

one of the most traumatic things that can happen to a young man is having some kind of sexual problem in a relationship, only to find out that the girl he loved was way more sexual with someone else

No, it's not. That's retroactive jealousy. A psychological condition the young man should check himself into therapy for.

I get feeling a little intimidated by your exes past, but... "traumatic"?! No.

scar him for life, even make him suicidal.

The dude needs psychological help.

2021-09-01T05:54:12+00:00

[permanently deleted]

_mwk · 2021-09-02T11:08:08+00:00

A lot of guys (and several psychiatrists I know) attest to the fact that** one of the most traumatic things that can happen to a young man is having some kind of sexual problem in a relationship, only to find out that the girl he loved was way more sexual with someone else. It can cut incredibly deep, **make a guy question everything about himself, scar him for life, even make him suicidal.

this is insane. I believe 0 of this. I understand getting hurt and feeling insecure or inadequate, maybe even angry but to this extent? that's extreme. I'd think getting cheated on would hurt so much more but from your pov, it seems like they wouldn't survive that.

AutoModerator · 2021-08-31T21:00:00+00:00

Attention!

You can post off topic/jokes/puns as a comment to this Automoderator message.
For "CMV" and "Question for X" Threads: Parent comments that aren't from the target group will be removed, along with their child replies.
If you want to agree with OP instead of challenging their view or if the question is not targeted at you, post it as an answer to this comment.
OP you can choose your own flair according to these guidelines., just press Flair under your post!

Thanks for your cooperation and enjoy the discussion!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

Title	What would be the female equivalent of a man being traumatized by his wife/GF's sexual past?
Author	Scores_Man_Mund
Upvotes	41
Comments	334
Date	August 31, 2021 8:59 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/pfer77/what_would_be_the_female_equivalent_of_a_man/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/what-would-be-the-female-equivalent-of-a-man-being.1065909 https://theredarchive.com/post/1065909

Comments