What do you think about the moms who refuse DNA paternity testing? Would you refuse one yourself and if so what would be your reason or reasons?

ChadHairDay · 2023-10-19T07:05:50+00:00

I have always offered upfront. I have nothing to hide.

Party-Honey2056 · 2023-10-19T07:58:01+00:00

This is so hard for me to think about.

The logical side of me understands why a man would want a paternity test

The emotional side of me would be offended.I woudn’t refuse the test but ,that would hurt so bad. I want classic monogamy. If I was in the position where I was having a man’s child we’d be married and I’d trust him with my life . To be doubted at this point I don’t know how the marriage would recover from this.

I felt the the only way I wouldn’t be hurt is if they’re mandatory. Maybe in the sense that if both parents are at the hospital for birth they maybe both sign the certificate but before it can be certified however they must do a dna test to verify .

This made sense to me and seems like a situation where everyone wins . If you have nothing to hide who cares ,but this hasn’t been implemented yet so clearly there were issues so I went to look for arguments against and for mandatory dna testing.

I saw that most people see this as a waste of resources. Seeing paternity test as a personal thing and that people who want them should get them done theirselves. It should be their own choice.

Then I saw in regards to signing the birth certificate that Men are allowed to not sign a birth certificate until they get tests done.

Also the issue with people who may not want to enter their dna into a government data base just to be able to claim their children.

There other reasons ,but those were enough that made sense for me to soften my stance . So I don’t really think anything about women or even men who may refuse . I don’t know their situation. I also don’t really care about anything going on outside of my relationship and family so…

I would however find it bizzare if a woman is requesting child support from a man while also refusing paternity test. They’d be separated in this case though so it seems outside the scope of the question

iLiveInAHologram94 · 2023-10-19T14:08:14+00:00

I mean it is really hurtful. It's an accusation of cheating. An accusation saying "you're not trustworthy, I don't trust you". It would really shatter any illusion of he trusts me/this is going great/we're in a good place/we have a solid foundation. It's saying "we have serious issues in our relationship". I would get it but I'd be looking at our relationship in the light of we have serious issues and he doesn't trust me. Staying together for the sake of a kid is never really for the kid's best interest. And cheaters tend to project and accuse their partner of cheating while they are the ones actually cheating. So then I'd have to wonder what spurred this on. It would really rock the relationship and idk if there's coming back from it. It would take a lot of dedicated time and joined effort to rebuild trust in a relationship. And my focus would be on taking care of myself so that the baby is born healthy and then healing while taking care of a baby not rebuilding trust for that time period. That can't take priority over physically taking care of myself while I'm healing from a major medical event and taking care of a helpless newborn. So I imagine maybe putting it on hold but being miserable in the relationship in the meantime. I think I'd feel resentful and unappreciated as a partner.

If there was cheating or an emotional affair then I get it, fair. I'd do it. But if the request comes out of nowhere (likely out of insecurity or the accuser actually being the cheater) then I think it would rock the relationship pretty hard. I'd still do it to prove a point but I'd be pissed.

Freethinker312 · 2023-10-19T09:28:15+00:00

And it gives children the truth so they don’t have to spend years wondering either.

I don't think most children spend years of wondering whether their father is really their father. I myself am completely sure that my father is my father, without a DNA test.

If you turn it into “he doesn’t trust me!” to men it feels like you are literally gaslighting them.

But how isn't it a lack of trust? If I have never cheated on my husband, never slept with another man than him, there is zero chance that my children aren't his, right? So if he is not sure that his children are his, it literally means that he is not sure whether I have never cheated on him.

How would you feel if you are together with your wife/girlfriend for multiple years, always have been completely loyal to her, and never have given her any reason to doubt your loyalty, and than, after all that time, she wants to check your phone or wants you to get an STD test, because she isn't sure whether you cheated on her? Would you not even slightly feel hurt in that scenario?

What do you think about women who would resist a dna test

I think it is unwise, because it doesn't solve the lack of trust.

By the way, if paternity tests are allowed for fathers and completely normalized, do you think it would still be important to men that their wife/girlfriend has a low body count? If yes, why? If not, would a man whose wife has a low body count have less reason for a paternity test than a man whose wife has a high body count?

Clementinequeen95 · 2023-10-19T12:14:49+00:00

If my husband who I loved dearly and trust implicitly, asked me for a paternity test after I carried his child for 9 months, got sick daily, couldn’t enjoy most foods, lost hair, fucked up my body and took a risk of death to have his child- I would be beyond hurt. It’s a huge betrayal of trust in the sense that our bodies go through literal hell to bring a child into this world only for the person you do it with to accuse you of cheating. Would I take the test? Sure- but he would be handed the results with divorce papers.

uwuskincare · 2023-10-19T06:39:43+00:00

I understand how some women can get offended by it. Like some guys don't want their gf looking through their phone to see if he's cheating- it's just a lack of trust that feels shitty.

I'm going to 23&me all my children so the parentage would be easy to verify.

DreaminInChocolate · 2023-10-19T08:01:44+00:00

I have no issue with paternity testing. I take issue with a man bringing it up after the fact. You should be able to have a conversation and say you want assurance that your children are yours BEFORE getting a woman pregnant. When you bring it up after the fact it becomes an accusation of cheating to a woman.

All 3 of my kids were tested and this one will get tested too. My boyfriend pays child support, currently $300/week, for all 3 kids despite being in a relationship and living together. If we break up tomorrow he and the court know that these are his kids.

Sorcha16 · 2023-10-19T12:09:46+00:00

They may just want to wait for the courts to order one for child support, obviously outside the ones not wanting to do one due to knowing they ain't the daddy, personally I'd get the paternity but we'd be splitting up. It is an accusation of cheating and I'm sorry, and it's not ab accusation I take lightly

funlightmandarin · 2023-10-19T09:19:43+00:00

He is completely free to ask for one and he can have it if he does it through a certified lab that will be accepted in court. We'll need one anyways for the upcoming custody case when we're deciding who's custodial parent, child support etc.

Any_Conclusion_4297 · 2023-10-19T10:35:55+00:00

I see this an a communication issue. If a paternity test is important to you, have the conversation up front. You know that conversation you're supposed to have about kids early on in a relationship? The one where you talk about whether or not both of you want them? Have the paternity test conversation at that point. If she agrees, then cool, you know that your values are the same and you can move forward. Now, I know that people lie/mislead, but that's a bigger issue for your communication overall than a conversation about a paternity test.

As for me, if my partner came to me while I was pregnant, or after I put my wellbeing in danger to produce his child and asked me for a paternity test? He can have it right along with the divorce papers. I plan to have a prenup anyway, and I'm happy to have a clause in there that dismisses child support if a paternity test proves that my spouse didn't father my children. But trust is a requirement for me in a romantic relationship. So if my spouse asks for a paternity test, that requirement is no longer being met and I'm fully within my rights to decide that relationship is no longer for me.

Also, I've absolutely been in relationships where I've started to have feelings for someone else. When it's happened, I either stay away from the person, or I end the relationship. My standard for myself is that I'm not gonna cheat on my partner. Humans are human, and we do not automatically stop finding people attractive just because we have a person. That's why we engage in self control. But for my partner to accuse me of having unprotected sex with someone else, putting me at risk for unwanted pregnancy, and both of us at risk for STD's? That's not someone who trusts me. And I'm not okay with being in a relationship with someone who doesn't trust me to that level. Because that lack of trust will not just live in paternity test land, it will absolutely seep to other parts of our relationship.

ETA: There are men who don't deisre to request a paternity test from their partner. There are women who have no problem having one done. So the people who match up can just find each other.

AngeCruelle · 2023-10-19T10:20:58+00:00

I don't blame them because it obviously comes across as an accusation of infidelity. It would be a particularly deep bite for me since I'm waiting until marriage and want to have only one sex partner for life. It's like, I trust you enough to be the only man who ever gets to see that side of me and you can't even trust me to not wander off and end up in some other man's bed? Fuck all the way off with that.

That said, my family has become very big on ancestry and family tree stuff. In all likelihood, my children will have their ancestry tests done. So he will know for sure, just not within the context of a fucking paternity test out of the blue.

HighestTierMaslow · 2023-10-19T13:50:58+00:00

If my husband asked me for one (Im pregnant with my second now), I'd consider divorce.

However I am clearly a very loyal person and have never given any indication of cheating. I also dont know how he would think I'd do it. I am almost always home, we live with his mother who sees me being home too and I have a 2yearold. If he asked me for a paternity test it'd be unhinged.

If there IS a married couple where the man had actual genuine concerns over cheating, the woman is acting funny and out for long, he found suspicious messages, they were separated for some time around when they conceived etc, I could understand.

Fun fact: I once knew a married guy who did this when he didnt have any actual concerns of her cheating, and it turned out actually HE was the one cheating, lol.

Its totally different if its not a couple married or officially together though.

operation-spot · 2023-10-19T06:50:15+00:00

I have no issue doing a paternity test but I would conclude that our relationship is over regardless because he doesn’t trust me. Children never doubt that someone is their father so I don’t believe that would be much of an issue. People don’t just walk around doubting that someone is lying about who the father is so I’m not sure why you’d bring that up.

But yes, I’d do the testing but I’d also prepare to initiate a divorce or require marriage counseling because something is obviously fundamentally wrong.

GoldenHornyChicken · 2023-10-19T09:38:53+00:00

In that scenario I'd refuse a paternity test and I'd broke up with the father. I'd probably had an abortion if possible, as I really woudn't want to be a solo mother. If not possible, up to the father to be present in the child's life or not. I won't stop him.

That's very simple : a man who asks for a paternity test implies that I would have cheated on him in the most irresponsable way, put both of us at risk of STD, got pregnant and then lied about this pregnancy in order to make him pay or whatever... Well, I'm sorry, I don't want to have anything to do with a man like that, especially not start a family or give an innocent baby such a father. For him to believe that, what I thought was a healthy couple able to welcome a new life must have been something totally different. I don't want that. You don't have a child with someone you don't trust with your life, or your child's life. Or at least you shoudn't..

Electrical-Elk-6167 · 2023-10-19T13:22:12+00:00

He’d get the paternity test as well as the divorce papers. End of story.

NakedStreets · 2023-10-19T12:54:25+00:00

If you don’t trust a woman, do not impregnate her!

UpbeatInsurance5358 · 2023-10-19T10:00:54+00:00

The man who asks for a DNA test based on absolutely nothing makes absolutely no sense. It's also ridiculously sexist. It's just the whole "women are untrustworthy" narrative taken to a daft level.

thelajestic · 2023-10-19T11:16:57+00:00

I wouldn't refuse one, but if I was asked to take it the relationship would be over. How can you have a successful relationship if all the trust is gone?

It's a huge thing to suspect your partner has been knocked up by some other guy, so if a DNA test is requested then it clearly shows there are deep rooted and unfixable problems in that relationship. If my husband feels like I might do that he shouldn't be with me or be having kids with me in the first place. However I'd absolutely still do the test, because presumably to refuse would have a potential negative impact on the child (I gather someone not confident about the paternity of their kid might be resistant to things like shared custody etc).

So, I think refusing is pointless but asking means there is no point to the relationship any more.

Dry-Cricket3524 · 2023-10-19T08:36:22+00:00

I'm 100% for paternity tests at birth, and notifying someone's wife if their husband got someone else pregnant. That way we end paternity fraud.

I also think men should be able to choose if they want to raise the kid or not, regardless if it's theirs or they found out it's not.

howdoiw0rkthisthing · 2023-10-19T11:19:51+00:00

In a healthy family dynamic, I don’t think the father or children should be wondering about this all the time. If the alleged father has reason to believe he’s not the father Maury-style then of course I can’t fault him. If he has absolutely no reason to believe his partner has cheated on him but it just makes him feel better then I can see how that would be a little insulting.

If you’ve been nothing but faithful in a healthy loving relationship but your partner still requires you to get regular STI testing “just to give her peace of mind” isn’t that a little insulting?

(I know many will say no, so as not to undermine the assertion that there’s nothing insulting about paternity testing, but I think the reality is that a lot of men would be hurt and confused)

-Shes-A-Carnival · 2023-10-19T13:14:36+00:00

while i personally understand and would do it, i dont understand why 1. men would sign an acknowledgment of paternity for the child of a woman to whom theyre not married and 2. why a married man cannot just get a test at the drugstore or on amazon and conduct it without going through upsetting the woman who just squeezed his child out of her body

GlamSunCrybabyMoon · 2023-10-19T14:13:48+00:00

I get that men would want to confirm that their child is their child. But it’s very insulting if they’re in a relationship, the man never questioned infidelity before or during pregnancy and then wants a paternity test. He’s right to want that but it doesn’t come without consequence. The implication is that not only did the woman cheat, but she cheated raw and also had an alleged man cum in her AND THEN tried to pass a baby off as her partners. It’s implying that she’s a deceiving irresponsible whore and that’s be very insulting if I was in a monogamous relationship with no suspicions of cheating.

I wouldn’t deny a test, I’d be offended but I’d do it because I know I didn’t do anything wrong. My ex accused me of cheating all the time (I never did, he was paranoid from previous exs cheating on him) and said the baby probably wasn’t his anyway. He said he wanted to test the baby when they were born and he wanted me to pay for it and that’s where I draw the line. I would have done it but I wouldn’t pay for it. I’ve done my child’s ancestry test anyway. We went to court and they asked him if he wanted to do paternity testing and he said no.

External_Pomelo939 · 2023-10-19T09:02:36+00:00

This comment section shows why this needs to be made mandatory.

januaryphilosopher · 2023-10-19T07:17:52+00:00

The only scenarios where I'd agree to it is if this was discussed before trying for a baby and there was an actual good reason other than "oh I just think you'll cheat without the good sense to use a condom in the near future, want to keep that from happening", or if we weren't exclusive at that time so I didn't actually know either. In both situations, he gets an STI test. Otherwise what you're doing is accusing me of having cheated in the past. If you feel you don't know I didn't, that's a deep relationship problem. All I'd have to go on is the word of hospital staff I don't know very well that the baby wasn't switched, if someone doesn't trust their partner's word at least that much then I'm not sure that relationship is worth being in. I don't do things, especially things I have to pay for, to appease other people's paranoia.

dishonouronmycow · 2023-10-19T08:00:47+00:00

He would have every right to ask for a paternity test, as I too would have the right to no longer feel trusted in the relationship. The majority of relationships that I’ve seen are over when there’s no trust and cheating accusations are made. It would be very difficult to move past something like that

AdhesivenessLevel379 · 2023-10-19T15:54:05+00:00

Logically I understand why a man would want a paternity test but honestly I’d be deeply upset if I were pregnant/just had a kid and my partner said “can I check you haven’t fucked anyone else?” After I’ve spent 9 months carrying and birthing his kid.

Especially if I’ve never given him any reason to suspect cheating or that I’m stupid enough to get knocked up by someone else.

I’d agree to the paternity test, let him pay for it, probably have some serious thoughts about the future of our relationship. Couples therapy at the very least.

baiser_vole · 2023-10-19T08:04:39+00:00

I just had a long discussion with my boyfriend on this. He said there are a couple cases where it could be warranted, and I agree with such cases.

Baby trapping

If it is rather early on in the relationship, they have not decided to spend the rest of their lives together, and due to the pregnancy, they are now forced to consider being together forever.

Turbulent relationship when the baby was conceived or an open marriage

If there was actual problems with the relationship, and they were seeing other people at the time.

If not, it is fair for the woman to feel hurt for the mistrust since demanding a paternity test is a form of accusation. We do recognize that the guy’s desire to have his lineage guaranteed, but we think he should not have a baby with the person at all if such trust is not established beforehand. It is natural for asking for a paternity test to cause a rift in the relationship, as it is based on mistrust.

Trikger · 2023-10-19T07:54:09+00:00

Unless there would be a valid reason to doubt my loyalty (like the baby coming out with an unexpected skin/eye color), I would feel very, very hurt.

If you turn it into “he doesn’t trust me!” to men it feels like you are literally gaslighting them.

"Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic in which a person, to gain power and control of another individual, plants seeds of uncertainty in another person’s mind. The self-doubt and constant questioning slowly cause the individual to question their reality."

Let's look at what is being asked here.

A paternity test. A test to see if the child is related to the father. Assuming I was in a serious romantic relationship with my partner when the child was conceived, there would be no doubt that the child is his.

That is, unless I cheated.

Since you asked for my personal reason, I'll share some of my own experiences and values.

My first relationship lasted 2.5 years. Getting together at 14, we shared many of our "firsts" together. In the final half year together, he met a girl at work and grew closer to her. He tried to hide his infatuation for her at first, but as time went on, he couldn't be bothered anymore. I remember texting him some nights. He would send me a short reply before moving back into another chat. I'd wait 30 minutes, sometimes double, staring at that stupid screen. He was always online, preoccupied with a conversation worth his time. He'd return to my chat to give me another short reply before repeating the process again. This would go on into the late hours of the night until he would, if I was lucky, enter my chat to tell me he was going to call it a night.
Sometimes, just so I could make myself cry, I'd ask him, "You're texting her, aren't you?"
And after an hour, he'd answer: "Yes."

When we broke up, they became official in an instant. I feel a lot of shame for staying when I knew he was actively cheating on me for half a year, but I didn't want him to go. In my eyes, he was everything I had.

I already knew cheating was a terrible offense. However, I think this experience definitely made me harbor a lot of intense emotions towards it. To me, little things are worse than cheating. I have very defined and strong beliefs surrounding the concept.

When the topic is brought up, I turn into an extremist.

Cheaters should die.
Cheaters don't deserve love. They don't deserve food. They don't deserve to exist.
If I find out my friend has cheated on their partner, I will feel betrayed. I will have no interest in associating with them for the rest of my life.

Frankly, I can go on and on about how much hatred I feel towards those who dare break the single most important promise they could ever make made once they entered a relationship.

So, now that the personal stuff is out of the way:

If my partner, for no apparent reason, tells me he wants to get a paternity test, then I will feel deeply hurt. My loyalty runs very, very deep. I can empathize a lot with my partner's feelings of jealousy, and I will try my best to show him he has no reason to feel threatened by anyone.

But when that is not enough- when no amount of trust I earn will be enough for my partner to trust that our child is his... then I will regret conceiving the child with him in the first place. He would not be the man I'd want to raise my children with.

Of course, if he absolutely demands one, he can get it. I simply don't think I could trust him the same after that.

tawny-she-wolf · 2023-10-19T10:56:47+00:00

Unless it’s from a one night stand or there’s a history of mistrust I wouldn’t like the implication of it. It would be easier if it were just mandatory vs something the guy asks (especially if it’s after getting pregnant or giving birth).

The only way I’d be cool with it is if he produces a yearly STD test that he’s clean in exchange. My guess is he’d be offended by the implications of that and better understand how his own request is hurtful. I understand you can never be sure, but realistically if you choose to have a child with a woman you are most likely married to, why do you not trust her ? Don’t have a child at all then or get a surrogate.

In this day and age there’s also better ways of going about it instead of blowing up your marriage - frame it as you’re worried the kid was switched at the hospital, frame it as genetic screening in case there’s something wrong.

Aromatic_Ad5473 · 2023-10-19T11:45:38+00:00

I’m not going to have a child with someone who thinks I would cheat. I would rethink the relationship if my husband thought so little of me.

If you think your partner is or will cheat on you, don’t get married

Icy_Ordinary2025 · 2023-10-19T15:28:07+00:00

Kudos to any woman who refuses a DNA test because the man is an insecure meat stick.

And it gives children the truth so they don’t have to spend years wondering either.

What the actual fuck?

gopher_glitz · 2023-10-19T13:16:55+00:00

After my dad died I found out my biological father died in the 90s.

No-Rough-7390 · 2023-10-19T14:15:41+00:00

For all the frame talk in this sub at times, I think this is why being up front about who you are when things start has to happen. Things like:

-sex -weight gain -paternity test -roles -family

Those all need to be clear from the forefront. Most guys don’t do this because they are so pussy/love deprived they think it will do them in, but it far outweighs trying to scale shit back months/years down the road.

If she’s down, she’ll stay and be about it.

TSquaredRecovers · 2023-10-19T14:41:57+00:00

This should be something that’s discussed prior to pregnancy, or at the very least, very early on in the pregnancy.

When a guy suggests getting DNA testing after a child is born, it’s upsetting to the woman, because it very much seems like the man is accusing the woman of infidelity.

With that said, the man has every right to know for sure if the baby is his. Again, it’s a matter that should be discussed well in advance, not months into pregnancy, or worse, after the baby is born.

Zombombaby · 2023-10-19T17:00:12+00:00

As long as you communicate that need prior to entering the relationship then you have no problem. Some people will be insulted by the lack of trust upfront and will choose not to be in a relationship where that distrust is being demonstrated for major life milestones. Neither are wrong. It's all about personal boundaries and whether two individuals are truly compatible.

Additionally, there are no paternity tests required for the daughters in our families so far. They all ended up being their daddy's literal duplicates and the shared features are undeniable. But, again, you each their own and that is a personal boundary that varies per individual.

maam9243 · 2023-10-19T18:17:48+00:00

I don't personally have a problem with DNA paternity testing. The rub is men who want it need to be prepared to pay for it much like I think abortion should be a private decision paid by charity or the individual, not taxpayers. I think paternity testing should be mandatory before having men sign birth certificates and collecting child support. There could be an opt out option for couples who don't want to know or pay for it.

External_Pomelo939 · 2023-10-19T09:02:07+00:00

See how they’re gaslighting in the comments. The women who lie about who the father is literally say the same things. To say there can’t be a relationship without unconditional trust is foolish. Trust must be proven on a daily basis through your actions.

Novadina · 2023-10-19T07:35:00+00:00

I would not “refuse” as I don’t see that he needs my permission. But by telling me that I would assume it meant he was ending the relationship. If my husband asked me I’d be incredibly hurt he didn’t trust me, after all we’ve been through together and literally not a single thing to give any indication I would be capable of doing something like giving birth to someone else’s child and lying to him about it for a lifetime. I would wonder why he’d even have decided to have a kid with me.

It would be an especially dumb request as he could just ask to add the baby to our ancestry.com account, where it would obviously be obvious he was dad, and I’d totally do it because I’m fascinated by that stuff and he knows it. More reason I’d assume he was requesting a divorce.

I’d also suspect he had a brain tumor or a psychotic break or something, or maybe that he was cheating and projecting, because it would be so out of character for him.

WebBorn2622 · 2023-10-19T12:31:36+00:00

I wouldn’t. For two reasons.

If there’s no reason to think I’m cheating, why accuse me? I don’t cheat and if my partner doesn’t trust me then I don’t want the relationship.

It’s paternity tests, and then it’s reading my messages, and then it’s texting me demanding to know where I am, etc. If I accept that it’s normal to be asked to prove I’m not cheating then I set a precedent for an evil circle of always having to prove a negative. I shouldn’t have to prove I’m not cheating, my partner should trust me.

What’s the agenda? You look at your very own child and say “I want a test so I know if I should pack up and leave and never see them again”.

If you can look at your own child and even for a second think about not being in their life as an option you don’t love them and you have 0 parental instincts.

How would you feel if your dad said “I’m getting a test and if it’s not mine I’m leaving?”, how do you think the kids of parents who went on The Maury show feels? Knowing your dad had a foot out the door from the very beginning.

It’s absolutely ridiculous to expect a paternity test when there’s no reason to suspect it belongs to someone else. Paternity tests is for when you don’t know. It’s not for insecure boyfriends and fathers with one foot out the door. Grow up.

metasekvoia · 2023-10-19T17:22:23+00:00

But how can a man prove to his wife at any given moment that he hasn't conceived a child outside the marriage?

MoreSanitizerPls · 2023-10-19T11:57:35+00:00

If a man is asking they’re accusing their partner of cheating and carrying out a 9+ month elaborate plan of convincing you that you’re the father. It’s actually worse then accusing your partner of infidelity. It’s suggesting your partner is manipulative, a habitual liar and down right evil. You’ve basically ruined the relationship if you ask for one especially when it comes back that it is your baby and now you have egg on your face.

If you want to know so bad, swab the babies mouth in secret and ship off the test. Theres no need to get the mom involved unless the test comes back negative.

endless_yearning · 2023-10-19T07:19:45+00:00

I would refuse and I would absolutely divorce my husband if he asked for it

so disrespectful

No-Resource2745 · 2023-10-19T11:03:46+00:00

If I’m at a point in a relationship where I would actually be keeping a pregnancy, this is a point where I have started building a full life with my partner. We have a home, we share finances, we are living together and giving eachother our worlds. If I’m at a point where I’m keeping the pregnancy with someone, it would be extremely insulting for them to ask for a paternity test, and I would break up with them right then and there.

That__EST · 2023-10-19T15:05:41+00:00

I'd be more pissed that he didn't just discretely handle it himself and that he chose to bother me with it.

doggiedoc2004 · 2023-10-19T19:37:59+00:00

A man is free to ask and even demand a test. And the woman is free to give him his walking papers especially if there has never been a hint of infidelity. So if a guy wants to risk blowing up his relationship sure go for it. It would probably be a good idea if she’s been having an emotional affair or weird secretive behavior. But accept the consequences.

And if a woman is so unethical that she would hide the paternity of her children SHE deserves all the consequences and repercussions of such horrible behavior.

blebbyroo · 2023-10-19T08:18:19+00:00

I would agree to the test and then leave

No trust means no relationship

harmonica2 · 2023-10-19T06:31:03+00:00

This isn't exactly related to the OP's question but if a mother were to refuse, could the father still get a dna test, without her permission if he were to get creative say?

soontobesolo · 2023-10-19T14:10:19+00:00

It should be standard practice for everyone.

"Trust, but verify"

Moms have no rational basis for refusing this completely reasonable request by the dad.

MiddleZealousideal89 · 2023-10-19T15:48:07+00:00

If my husband wanted a paternity test, he could get one but we'd be separated for a while trying to repair our marriage. While I can understand that men can't know for sure whether the kid is theirs, asking for a paternity test means that this person thinks there's a chance, maybe not a big one but still a chance, that I have cheated on them AND I'm trying to pass that baby off as theirs. That assumption, the idea that I wouldn't just cheat but try to make them care for a kid that isn't theirs, is really difficult to just get over, especially if your relationship hasn't had any trust issues up until this point.

My view on paternity tests is - ask for it but don't pretend that this won't have consequences for your relationship with the mother of the child.

Ikem32 · 2023-10-19T11:32:19+00:00

If she claims paternity, he should have the option to get her tested for free. And if the test is negative, to opt-out.

Irys-likethe-Eye · 2023-10-19T17:58:03+00:00

My ex freaked out after our kid was born. I had given him a millionth "second chance" and we moved back in together. One day, out of nowhere, he demanded a paternity test because how could he even know the kid was his.

The absolute disrespect and hurt I felt in that moment. It changed everything about how I saw him and felt about him. I realized how and what he really thought of me. Here I am, recovering from a traumatic birth in which I ended up needing surgery. Like all new mothers, especially first time mothers, I am struggling to heal and adapt to the unmitigated truth that I am responsible for this completely vulnerable and brand new little human being and because he was having a bad day he called my integrity, trustworthiness and decency into question. On top of that he was willing to disregard his child without "proof" it was actually his.

Turns out, throughout our relationship he had been a serial cheater and I never knew.

More significantly I learned he had been poking holes in the condoms when we had sex because he thought having a child would "make him a man".

Poking holes in the condoms.

He got me pregnant on purpose when I thought we were talking precautions and he still said he needed a pat test to feel secure that it was his. I told him if I had cheated in any way shape or form I never would of even told him I was pregnant to begin with. Further that regardless of the outcome of this hypothetical test he was demanding, the relationship was over. So I told him to go ahead and set one up. When the results came back though, I told him to be prepared to accept the fact that he got what he wanted but lost everything else. He would be holding the proof of his actions in his hands in paper form though because he set me and our child down to pick that paper up and you can't hold all of those things together.

Several years later I met a man who knew without a doubt that was not his biological child, but corrects every person who says "that's not really your kid though".

Relative_Bee8356 · 2023-10-19T18:33:01+00:00

Firmly childfree, but yes, I would dump a man who accused me of cheating for no reason. Idc. I have very little tolerance for paranoid jealous bullshit. The type of relationship where this kind of request would be acceptable is not the kind of relationship I want and not the kind of relationship I would accept.

Birb-brained · 2023-10-19T08:40:34+00:00

I would have been really weirded out if my partner had asked for one. It would have given me serious pause for thought about if the relationship was really strong enough for kids to be introduced.

Cotehill · 2023-10-19T12:31:05+00:00

Given 30% of children currently born are thought to be fathered by someone else, evidence and objectivity should be required in all cases to prove paternity. Take it out from the man-woman relationship sphere and make it mandatory at birth then there is no accusation of cheating nor of reduced relationship trust on either part.

It has become clear that “believe all women” is merely a desire that women want but it is impossible to tell which women are telling the truth and which are not.

mrs_seng · 2023-10-19T07:40:35+00:00

If you are a woman you know you will always have the privilege of knowing with a hundred percent certainty that that’s child is yours. The father cannot know without a paternity test and your children can’t either.

Often times the father knows. The child has features that the father also posseses. I agree in come cases, the child takes features from only one parent. I myself look like only my father created me as i have almost nothing from my mother. I'm a spitting image of my paternal grandmother.

It feels like an obviously extremely important thing to do because it gives men the piece of mind that they are not being manipulated into supporting some other guys kid. And it gives children the truth so they don’t have to spend years wondering either. If you turn it into “he doesn’t trust me!” to men it feels like you are literally gaslighting them. If you have nothing to hide and didn’t cheat shouldn’t you gladly do it and even offer to do it so nobody not him, your kids or family and friends or coworkers will ever be able to doubt you on it?

Idk how many children wonder if the person who they call dad is not their biological dad. There are adopted children who are shocked to find out later in life that they were adopted, so even if the child doesn't look like any of the parents, sometimes they don't question if the parents are really biological parents.

Precisely because i don't have anything to hide, i never hid anything, nor gave any doubt about my fidelity, yet still he has a doubt are the reasons i would divorce.

If i gave him no reason to doubt me and he still has doubts, i would make the damn test, just to shut him up, while also serving him divorce papers. Preferably on the same day.

basedmama21 · 2023-10-19T12:30:20+00:00

I think they’re lying 304s if they refuse. I would not refuse but my husband would never ask me for one (his words). But if they became mandatory of course I would oblige. I have nothing to hide. At all.

Financial_Leave4411 · 2023-10-19T12:08:17+00:00

In the past I figured I would say yes to the test and then leave him BUT now that I am older and wiser I would acknowledge he wants the test, take the kid asap to another state or country and leave them at a hospital or firehouse under the safe haven law without any identifying paperwork and a tag with a fake name then leave the guy without telling him where his child is. He can choose for himself what to believe regarding paternity but I refuse to have the kid suffer in a split home and I would not allow a man who didn’t trust me to have a legal link to me or dump the majority of the child raising on me for 18-26 years. Also I wouldn’t be able to look at the child without being hurt remembering what the father did and the kid deserves a better life than that.

XolivawX · 2023-10-19T13:34:18+00:00

A guy can get a paternity test at any point in time (after birth) and mommy doesn't need to know.

Furthermore, if you split from him you'll be getting one by court order for him to pay support.

I'm sorry ladies, your collective whoring has screwed this up for the 5-10 good women remaining. Any man who can trust a woman has no idea just how bad you are, and how bad you're all okay with being.

Edit: (after birth)

candikanez · 2023-10-19T17:20:36+00:00

I would always provide it. I'd probably feel hurt af that they think I cheated, and honestly it'd probably end the relationship, but I'd never deny a test.

I think they should just always do a quick DNA test when baby is born. Not only does that help fathers who want to know it's their baby, but (once the system is built) it also tells us who the father is when it's unknown, and can be used by the justice system too. We have so many cases with DNA evidence but the perp's DNA isn't in the system.

With a system like this, any man can go in and pay a small fee to be swabbed and either confirmed or denied as the baby's father, regardless of even being in communication with the mom or not. Once the system was built, they wouldn't even need the swab (since they'd be in the system already) so it could even be checked right online.

Spiritual-Cicada9650 · 2023-10-19T18:08:02+00:00

This is something that should be brought up and discussed when family planning. Same discussion time as what do you do if you get pregnant.

Id be offended and mad if my spouse, whom I had been trying for kids with asked for one after the fact. Its saying they think I would not only cheat on them but pass another person's kid off as theirs. There isn't a way that isn't insulting.

Now if it was back when I was just casually dating or even if it accidental pregnancy I would be more open to it.

usr000nm · 2023-10-19T19:01:56+00:00

The really bizarre thing is the fathers who even mention it to the mom. It's like 10 minutes to pop by the local pharmacy and get a kit by yourself and 30 seconds to swab a q-tip on the kids cheek, your own, and mail it out . Why even mention it to the mom? Just do it on your own sometime when you are watching the kid.

The fathers who bring it up to the mom are just trying to get off on accusing their baby mama for cheating or something.

kitterkatty · 2023-10-19T20:03:31+00:00

Hurtful not to be trusted. Esp bc infidelity is the ultimate disrespect to oneself. Better to have an open marriage discussion or divorce rather than sleeping around without permission. I’d do it in the earliest stages no hesitation but it would feel like disrespect to even be asked.

AutoModerator · 2023-10-19T06:25:34+00:00

Attention!

You can post off topic/jokes/puns as a comment to this Automoderator message.
For "CMV" and "Question for X" Threads: Parent comments that aren't from the target group will be removed, along with their child replies.
If you want to agree with OP instead of challenging their view or if the question is not targeted at you, post it as an answer to this comment.
OP you can choose your own flair according to these guidelines., just press Flair under your post!

Thanks for your cooperation and enjoy the discussion!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

Equivalent-Target724 · 2023-10-19T13:22:40+00:00

I mean I could see a situation where a women had been nothing but faithful and how she would be offended. In the other hand most times infidelity doesn't get caught.

The best solution is mandatory paternity tests on a state level to when producing a birth certificate.

keepinitrealzs · 2023-10-19T15:43:34+00:00

Thread that I found elucidating

SandBrilliant2675 · 2023-10-19T16:17:22+00:00

1) It all comes down to trust, do you trust that this woman has been faithful and isn't lying too you (see 2). If my partner told me they wanted a paternity test out of the blue (where there is no implication or evidence of unfaithfulness on my end), my faith/trust in them would be irreparably broken.

It would literally be: "I will do this, but when it comes back that you are the father, we are over. I will not stop you from petitioning for parental rights/50/50 custody, but our relationship is over."

I would do it, but my relationship with that person would be over. Because it shows they clearly do not trust me, and why would I ever want to be with someone who does not trust me.

2) Why are you having children with someone you clearly do not trust. I am not going to say that either party shouldn't have "spread their legs", but having PIV sex is actually an adult decision that can lead to pregnancy, having an open dialogue about who you are sexually active with, what protection you are using, are you exclusive, what do the parties want if one were ever to become pregnant. These are all convos that should be had before having (mostlikely unprotected) sex.

3) If you are REALLY that concerned and believe your partner is lying to you, you can buy paternity tests from the grocery/drug store, do a quick swab, send it into a lab and have the results emailed to you. Yes, this invalidates the whole trust thing, but if they cheated and you need to know the trust is already gone. These tests are incredibly accurate, if the child isn't yours, that is then grounds to go to the court, have the court order a court verified paternity test, and have you name removed from the birth certificate (cost of this is mostly like $2,000 for court representation and the hearing and maybe $100-200 (x2) for the paternity tests), which is a hell of a lot cheaper then raising a baby that is not yours.

permiecandy · 2023-10-20T05:31:49+00:00

I guess it depends on the situation.

In general, if they refuse, I'd wonder if there was something to hide.

Would I refuse one. No, but I'd just glare at my husband like he was fucking stupid if he asked. Lol

Title	What do you think about the moms who refuse DNA paternity testing? Would you refuse one yourself and if so what would be your reason or reasons?
Author	lostacoshermanos
Upvotes	32
Comments	495
Date	October 19, 2023 6:25 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/17bchsm/what_do_you_think_about_the_moms_who_refuse_dna/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/what-do-you-think-about-the-moms-who-refuse-dna.1235668 https://theredarchive.com/post/1235668

Comments