Guy asks girl who switches up the deal to leave. Subreddit goes wild.

mechanical_fish_81 · 2023-12-13T16:09:21+00:00

Actually I am changing my thoughts on this. Actually rereading it:

She came over and we talked for a little bit and I went in to kiss her and she moved away. I made a few advances and she rejected all of them and I asked her what's wrong. She said that I only hit her up when I want sex.

So she only made her views known because he asked. She wasn't up front about it. She just assumed it would lead to more by the sounds of it without communicating it until asked what was wrong. Of course, men are supposed to be mind readers over this shit.

I am still saying he shouldn't of been so pushy after being rejected. But at least he stopped and tried communicating more than she was.

JSears90210 · 2023-12-13T17:12:57+00:00

This is a very similar dynamic as men trying to move from just friends into a sexual relationship. They get close to a woman they are attracted to with friendship and try to change the parameters of the relationship. Same thing when a woman attempts to use a No Strings Attached sexual relationship to get into a real relationship. (I'm sure guys have used this strategy as well at some point but I'd say it is at least 90% women 10% men) It is kind of natural and in almost every NSA/FB/Hookup relationship there comes a point where someone wants a different structure to it. I don't blame her and the poster is not the asshole. It is just how things work in these type of relationships.

Edit: I added "are"

daddysgotanew · 2023-12-13T17:37:21+00:00

He didn’t do anything wrong. This happens all the time. Women try to play it cool and pretend they’re into FWB/threesomes and stuff like that, then they catch feels and get offended when it’s not reciprocated. It’s a tale as old as time.

This is discussed in the manosphere. Relationships that involve casual sex usually have a short shelf life, as the woman is going to eventually want more. The better looking you are/more you have to offer relative to the woman, the longer she will stick around for the arrangement but it will eventually end.

I have had a few “fuck buddy” girls that lasted anywhere from 3 months up to a year. When they realized a relationship just wasn’t going to happen, I never heard from any of them again. And remember, they all eagerly agreed to this at first.

Sure-Vermicelli4369 · 2023-12-13T15:54:58+00:00

Women will say this guy is an asshole but this is the exact type of guy they pick.

Appropriate-Earth758 · 2023-12-13T18:06:25+00:00

The misandry is crazy lmao. That subreddit is full of shit. 90% of the reddit is just misandry these days just like twitter. I don't know if this site was always like this since I only joined reddit this year. They are treating him like he's Hitler or something and some of the top comments say that "this is why men are lonely". 🥴 Do they not realise that the OP is opposite of lonely? He is literally getting booty as well as an offer to be in a relationship. 🤦🏻‍♂️ Imagine a guy making a comment on that sub saying "this is why women are lonely" or "this is why y'all get pumped and dumped". I doubt there would be so many upvotes.

Notanothrshitthrow · 2023-12-13T14:40:57+00:00

Classic tale: booty call catches feelings.

Though if it is true that he doesn't give a shit about even having a conversation with her, then I get why she would feel weird about it.

wtknight · 2023-12-13T14:45:13+00:00

The OP isn’t an asshole, but she still reserves the right to try to change the arrangement if she wants. People just catch feelings sometimes or eventually start wanting more. It happens.

D4sthian · 2023-12-13T17:39:40+00:00

From the "women dont owe men ANYTHING!" gender comes the "men owe us more niceness!"

Just poetic.

Btw this is not as uncommon as one might think.

KayRay1994 · 2023-12-13T14:28:40+00:00

seeing that it does read like she was just a bootycall and that was their arrangement, he’s not the asshole imo - her mistake is going along with it despite developing feelings or wanting more, and not communicating it. The way she feels is totally natural, and sure, what he did did hurt - but also booty call was the nature of the relationship so nah, the guy isn’t wrong here

Typical_Samaritan · 2023-12-13T14:58:46+00:00

Narrator: The subreddit did not, in fact, go wild.

AdhesivenessLevel379 · 2023-12-13T15:02:07+00:00

I’ve been in this guys shoes before and I went about it very differently.

Rather than saying “get out if we’re not going to have sex” I told him he was great and I didn’t want to hurt his feelings but I didn’t want anything more than what we currently had. Wished him all the best, talked it out until he felt okay and then we parted on good terms.

Didn’t cost me a penny to be nice about it either, how crazy.

Like yeah nobody owes anyone anything etc etc but why do people act like being kind is a huge burden to them these days? Who’s raising all y’all?

jay10033 · 2023-12-13T14:39:24+00:00

He's not the asshole at all. Actually, good for him for enforcing his boundaries. More of this should happen.

robikn22 · 2023-12-13T15:26:02+00:00

Many women agree to these ‘friends with benefits’ or ‘situationships’ and then catch feelings and want more from the relationship. I’ve seen it time and time again with my single girl friends.

Rejection isn’t something that’s always easy to swallow, it’s natural that she feels hurt. She didn’t get what she wanted. But, no OP is not an asshole. He clearly defined what he wanted, they had a conversation about it, she agreed (and expressed equal desire for the same thing) and he never wavered.

Where I would have found him an asshole is if he played around with her feelings and strung her along. But, he didn’t. OP was straight up with the girl and the girl didn’t like the agreement anymore.

No-You7911 · 2023-12-13T15:56:08+00:00

She tried to change the agreed upon dynamic. He was perfectly within his right to ask her to leave.

hockey_psychedelic · 2023-12-13T18:16:47+00:00

I've experienced more than one woman using this technique believing things will evolve and I will catch feelings. Sometimes I have - actually more often than not. It's a smart strategy in my opinion after over 2 decades of messing about (I'm happily married now and a lot of this was mostly pre-social media thank god). Basically 1990-2010.

Bouldershoulders12 · 2023-12-13T18:27:41+00:00

This is kind of out of left field but this is why it’s better to be the FWB material than the boyfriend material guy.

FWB guy gets sex and if he wants he can get the relationship from the girl at whim because women aren’t going to sleep with a guy they don’t like and would be with

If he was boyfriend material he would’ve had to play the cat and mouse game and would’ve had to deal with nonsense while she’s sleeping with someone else

Radiant_Specific6542 · 2023-12-13T19:43:04+00:00

His response wasn't rude. They met up for sex. She didn't want sex boundary was set). He asked her to leave as their intended purpose/reason for meeting became null and void (a boundary was set).

It was established at the very beginning he/they didn't want anything but sex "We decided to meet for sex and keep it strictly to that-no strings attached".

That's not even a FWB. FWB are still friends. They hangout, talk, know about each other's lives...ect. They were strictly fuck buddies and both parties agreed.

She decided she didn't want sex. Which is fine, however, there's literally nothing for them to do at that point. He just got out of a 5 year relationship. He doesn't want anything that resembles meaningful which is understandable.

That being said, he aske her to leave after an hour and a half of doing the exact thing he didn't want to do.

That's no rude. That's him putting an end to an uncomfortable situation.

FutureBannedAccount2 · 2023-12-13T19:51:07+00:00

The thing about AITA is men will always be the asshole in a situation involving women. I actually have made post only switching the gender and that’s always the case

MiddleZealousideal89 · 2023-12-13T15:13:52+00:00

She should have handled it better, for sure. He could have been a bit nicer about ending things, too. Neither are assholes but both could have handled this better. She could have tried to talk about her feelings with him in a way that was less ''if you want sex, you'll date me/if you want sex, we're going to have a different dynamic'', and he could have ended their ''relationship'' in a way that was less ''pussy or GTFO''.

Edited for nuance.

OtPayOkerSmay · 2023-12-13T15:21:51+00:00

It's much easier for women to manipulate in person, and that's why she didn't call.

Radiant_Specific6542 · 2023-12-13T15:19:43+00:00

NTA. They made an agreement, get feelings changed but that's not his problem. He wasn't rude, he asked her to leave. That's all.

JohnGoodman_69 · 2023-12-13T16:17:58+00:00

Imagine if a woman and a man were in a college program together and had slept together causally. So the basis of their relationship is the fact they both have similar to same classwork they work on together but they have also hooked up on occasion.

The woman texts the man to come over to help her study or work on assignment for class. But when he gets there he's all horned up. Woman doesn't want to have sex that night. They talk about and the woman finally asks "are you gonna help me with this assignment and stop pestering me for sex or not?" Dude doesn't agree and yall are saying she would be an asshole for sending him home? Nope. But its literally the same thing.

Edit: hell even if you tone the situation down it turns out the same. Lets say same background, classmates or same major who have hooked up in the past but main purpose is to work on classwork/projects together. If the dude came over just to talk about his feelings and wanting more from the relationship and not even pestering her for sex reddit would still side with the woman who asks him to leave if he isn't going to do school work, as they should.

-Shes-A-Carnival · 2023-12-13T14:54:24+00:00

ok what's to discuss about it, she caught feelings and wanted to escalate the relationship, so what exactly.

boom-wham-slam · 2023-12-13T15:08:09+00:00

She's the asshole.

That being said he could have played it better and closed without the conversation if he was a bit more smooth about it but being blunt is not a bad option either.

BackToTheMoon_ · 2023-12-13T17:21:01+00:00

Nothing to discuss here besides that a lot women do not stand by what they say but instead go as their emotions go. Something most men will understand if they have experience with women

This is just another woman who thought she could handle casual dick from a guy she finds somewhat valuable so now she is falling for him but doesnt wanna be viewed as a sexual object…..even though its literally what she agreed to

I see why she got divorced if this is her behavior

Electronic_West_1831 · 2023-12-13T14:55:18+00:00

This guy is “da man”

63daddy · 2023-12-13T15:48:23+00:00

Both parties should benefit from a relationship/arrangement. If one party changes that so the other party is no longer getting what they want, it makes sense the party no longer getting what was agreed to should terminate the arrangement.

It’s also a great example of why it can be good for men to have relationships without marrying. In such cases the guy is free to leave without paying a huge penalty.

Nate_Reborn · 2023-12-13T16:03:23+00:00

This is why I dislike these rage bait threads/subs like AITA. They're always based on implications & assumptions.

You never get the whole story, you never get exactly what was said in the interaction, yet people still proceed to paint a caricature of the parties involved and fill in the gaps based on their past individual experiences. Why? Because they just can't help it, and they eat it up like candy. It's so instinctual it's scary.

bastrdsnbroknthings · 2023-12-13T14:51:36+00:00

Talking comes after fucking

TWCDev · 2023-12-13T16:11:38+00:00

I don't really understand why this was even a "thing". The guy wanted to continue the previously working arrangement. The woman no longer (or possibly never) enjoyed the arrangement and declared her boundary. The guy talked for a bit as a compromise, asked if the previous arrangement was still available at all at this point, to which the woman said no.
They separated because neither person could get what they wanted from the other person.
Honestly the only one in the wrong was the woman for calling the guy an asshole and doing emotional manipulation, it would have been better if she could have calmly stated where she was at, then ordered an uber to leave if what she wanted wasn't on the table.

There is no difference whatsoever between having the right to say "no sex" and having the right to say "no close ties". Both can be mentally invasive, and both can protect themselves by saying "no", it should be as simple as that. Obviously some "immature" men whine and complain when women deny them sex, and "immature" women whine and complain when men deny them emotional support, but neither person is in the wrong for wanting those things, the problem is complaining when you don't get what you want.
Mature people realize we don't always get what we want in life and just move on.

middleoftheroad133 · 2023-12-13T17:24:28+00:00

Even people who have casual sex talk to each other often get food together when they are hungry or treat each other like friends or generally nicely

Even the most fuck boy guy friends I know do this. There is generally a level of flirtation that accompanies the hook up it doesn’t mean the woman is trying to get a relationship out of them

MacaronFinancial · 2023-12-13T16:07:47+00:00

By the sound of it you already talked prior to the kiss so she received some conversation (Whatever that means).

It sounds like she was shooting above her league and tried to use shaming tactics to make him commit which did not work. Calling someone a-hole is very crude and crass; nobody should be called that because of a disagreement.

A lot of guys would have folded like a cheap suit under the shaming but you did not. There was no right answer there; she used shaming language as women like to do and you did not concede to whatever she suddenly wanted from you which apparently was some kind of an arrangement where you would give her relationship benefits or informal therapy or what not in exchange for sex.

Some conservative types would probably see this differently; in their mind she was right because she was replicating the perceived historical script of the woman starting to call the shots on sexual activity and diversifying the relationship into a direction where sex is happening 10% of the time. Conservative types as well as women who are not cool about having a purely sexual relationship will do this thing where they essentialize a certain historical past like nationalism as the blueprint of real and proper relationships that ultimately cater to the female imperative.

concretecannonball · 2023-12-13T15:08:53+00:00

Men have lost the fucking plot lmfao even Johns small talk with prostitutes before sticking it in.

A FWB relationship is supposed to be mutually beneficial. The female orgasm is mostly psychological. Having a basic conversation with someone before trying to fuck them is the MOST BASIC form of foreplay.

Balochim · 2023-12-13T14:54:30+00:00

Ahh, ok. So this what women mean when they talk about being “used for sex”. The fact that they feel entitled to sharing your whole ass life just because they have sex with you.

Aromatic_Ad5473 · 2023-12-13T14:57:24+00:00

She tried to change the arrangement but he didn’t have to kick her out on the middle of the night.

Economy-Shake-1448 · 2023-12-13T14:51:10+00:00

Of course he’s the asshole. I know men here consider him a “Chad” and “alpha” for that mentality, but he is. He could have done things much more nicely if he wasn’t an asshole.

He could have told her “I don’t share these feelings for you. Let’s stop having sex so that you don’t get hurt. Thanks for the fun we had together”. Then he could have just ended it from there and moved on.

And men think that this is “beta” even though it clearly communicates what he wants without being a monster about it.

throwaway164_3 · 2023-12-13T15:14:38+00:00

What a fuckin chad. That’s how you do it, you can read the pure masculinity and tesoterone in that post

Good on him for sticking up for himself.

jamie29ky · 2023-12-13T17:20:31+00:00

It doesn't mean the woman actually wanted a relationship. She just didn't want to feel used. I'm not sure how much friendship is in a normal 'friends with benefits' thing, but it sounds like he wanted zero, and she wanted at least some. If he wanted to keep it going, he could have palled around for an hour or whatever and made her feel less used, but it sounds like he wanted her to walk through the door and assume the position. Neither of them are an asshole. It just clearly wasn't going to work because they each had a different idea in their heads of what a fwb should be.

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abaxeron · 2023-12-13T15:15:33+00:00

He did great, but could do even better if he just said "Let's go straight to the part where you ask for my money."

Would have saved half an hour.

Edit: Alternative explanation to the events. The guy witnessed transition from "I'm trying to discover myself" to "I'm ready to settle down" in real time.

MidoriEgg · 2023-12-13T15:15:07+00:00

I feel like that was necessary asshole behaviour, if he was a real sociopath he would of just played along to get what he wanted. It’s better to be upfront than get someone’s hopes up about a real relationship that isn’t on the table.

Soloandthewookiee · 2023-12-13T15:52:27+00:00

This is ripe for the typical red pill motte and bailey. The issue is not that he asked her to leave, it was how he asked her to leave. He could have very easily said, "I appreciate how you're feeling, but I'm not interested in anything more, so it's probably best if we end things."

Instead, after listening to her how she's feeling dehumanized, he replied with, "so are we gonna fuck? Because if not you gotta leave."

You can see this same red pill bullshit with: "feminists say you have to be attracted to fat women!" when the argument is, quite clearly, you should treat women with respect regardless of whether you're attracted to them.

Just_Natural_9027 · 2023-12-13T14:34:38+00:00

Not an asshole but naive.

mechanical_fish_81 · 2023-12-13T15:34:11+00:00

Firstly, pressuring will not achieve anything if she does not want it.

If a dude wants sex and someone else dosn't, then have options. If you ONLY want them for sex, then that needs to be communicated. But if your not exclusive and just want sex, then its better to have options.

However, I do get the guys point, they agreed to only be fuck buddies. In these situations, the person with the most expectations suffers the most. We don't know if the woman was using sex as a tool to lock the guy down or not.

But publishing this online, will result in grief. Is the guy an asshole, no he was authentic and stated what he wanted. She agreed and when she wanted more than she stated, he was honest that he wasn't looking for it. Should he of led her on and decieved her if all he wanted was sex? No I respect the guy, a lot of guys will lie and decieve. Or be desperate and settle, not because they want more but because they are in a place of scarcity.

He is however, an idiot. I do think he is an idiot for putting this online, asking peoples opinions. Why should he care what they think? Does he not have free will? Is he unable to decide things for himself? Or is he looking for validation in his decisions?

As for the woman calling him an asshole, yeah, rejection stings. Shit happens. Guy shouldn't base his self worth and actually be asking Reddit if he is an asshole over the opinions of one woman..

DrBoby · 2023-12-13T14:59:56+00:00

Dude is autistic, it's normal to do friend things with your sex friends.

Sex friends are friends.

For every time I have sex I spend about 2h with my sex friend doing something else, sometimes the same day sometimes another day. I often gift too, no big stuff, last time I gifted 5 strawberry plants I got for free for exemple. You need to show a minimum of consideration if you want to keep them.

How it works is, you give her your friendship, she gives you sex.

Safinated · 2023-12-13T15:22:33+00:00

Treating dates/friends like service people is rude

Transactionalism is transactionalism

LadyLazarus2021 · 2023-12-13T15:39:17+00:00

Not the AH although I hope he was a little kinder when sending in her way. And she isn’t the AH. She’s free to see if he’s interested in a different arrangement. He isn’t. The end. It’s run its course. Maybe she isnt cut out for sexual relationships only

TheMedsPeds · 2023-12-13T16:24:21+00:00

He may be techicnally in the right but kicking her out of your place is still kind of a jerk thing to do. If me and a neighbor made an agreement to be study partners and he came over and started talking and we never studied. I’d probably just chill and then in the future been like “hey, you’re nice and all but we really agreed to just study. I don’t really need anymore friends.”

Like idk, frame it how you want but throwing someone out of your house for not doing what you want is still KIND of rude.

snappy033 · 2023-12-13T17:08:37+00:00

Sure he was right if you read their agreement like a legal document. But women sometimes just need some emotional reassurance that they aren’t just a fuckhole, even if you point to the agreement screaming “it says you agreed to be a fuckhole right here!”. They don’t usually want that front of mind for NSA sex. If they don’t care then that’s great but rare.

I’m sure sex was on the table until he fumbled the bag. She didn’t want to renegotiate the terms of the deal, just wanted to communicate. But congrats he “won” the argument and consequently didn’t get laid and burned that bridge.

apresonly · 2023-12-13T17:52:36+00:00

This is beyond creepy :( You can't treat people like this. It's not human.

I would of course comply and leave immediately but I wouldn't be able to just go back to dating after that.

unkraut666 · 2023-12-13T18:26:39+00:00

Exact this situation is the reason why many women prefer not having sex over having sex with a guy like this.

Being seen as a human being isn‘t the same as catching feelings or wanting a relationship. If it was the same then this might be the reason why many women don‘t want relationships anymore.

gntlbastard · 2023-12-13T16:15:24+00:00

OP is not an asshole. He was clear about what he wanted and she signed on to it. She can say that she doesn't want to participate in it anymore and is interested in more. But he has every right to say that he isn't interested in her as anything more.

soviet_enjoyer · 2023-12-13T16:25:16+00:00

Two degenerates fuck around and discover why being promiscuous and treating each other like sex objects is a bad idea. I’m truly shocked.

Ppdebatesomental · 2023-12-13T16:49:48+00:00

Hey op…..can you provide a link?

fatsocalsd · 2023-12-13T17:39:47+00:00

OP is not an asshole. He actually handled it correctly. Many women lie/think they want an FWB and are cool with that when they really aren't. The assholes are the dudes who string them along when they know that.

AlmostKindaGreat · 2023-12-13T18:10:43+00:00

People are calling this a FWB situation and I don't see anything to indicate that was the arrangement. I've had plenty of FWB and of course there is an expectation of care, spending time, talking, and, well, friendship.

I've also had women tell me upfront that they strictly want sex. I would call this maybe "fuck buddies" or just hookups arrangement or maybe no label at all. I wouldn't call it friends with benefits, because she did not agree to a proper friendship.

With one of the "strictly sex" relationships, if I showed up when she asked me over and I told her no sex until she satisfies my emotional needs too I think she would flip out and kick me out, for good reason. I'm not entitled to that whatsoever. Neither are women.

That said, I also agree that kindness is free. It's also a value of mine and I encourage people to adopt it as their own value as well. I still enforce my boundaries and don't waver when it comes down to it, but I try to be as kind as possible, even when people are being unfair or unreasonable.

MotherPermit9585 · 2023-12-13T18:24:07+00:00

I think this is a case of each of them having different expectations about what “casual sex” means. He wanted hook-ups/booty calls while she probably wanted true FWB. I’m a woman who does enjoy casual sex but only with people I have a real friendship with and feel mutual respect and affection for. If we can’t have a genuine conversation about our lives, fears, hopes, and dreams then we don’t need to be fucking. But that’s just my preference.

Lonely-Illustrator64 · 2023-12-13T18:36:23+00:00

It never hurts to just be kind to people and treat them with respect. The guys not wrong for turning her down or not wanting to see her anymore but he was insensitive with how he went about telling her that. It wouldn’t have cost him anything to let her down gently. “Hey I think you’re really cool and enjoyed spending time with you the last few weeks but as you know I’m fresh out of a relationship and wasn’t looking for anything serious. If you’re uncomfortable continuing our arrangement that is okay and I’ll respect that but we probably shouldn’t see eachother anymore.” Treat her like a person, not a sex doll that you just shove away in the closet when you’re done with it.

shmupsy · 2023-12-13T18:54:00+00:00

Can people please stop using the garbage hiphop culture concept known as "catching feelings?"

What a disgusting idea; that humans just fuck and the bonding that comes with it is some kind of disease.

And also everyone who thinks that she was capable of politely asking to change their arrangement is an internet brained autist. Anyone who thinks they can make this deal with a woman and not be expected to commit later is willfully ignorant of women's nature or just naive.

Siliconmage76 · 2023-12-13T20:52:23+00:00

Come on man. An FWB relationship still requires a modicum of empathy and consideration for the feelings of your partner. You show absolutely none towards her.

Cethlinnstooth · 2023-12-13T21:26:50+00:00

Well the only way he's being an asshole is by not taking being called an asshole in private on the goddamn chin... because

that's actually a kind of mild reaction to catching feelings and then being rebuffed. No shit, 9 out of 10 men would react worse than she did if they'd caught feels after lots of hot sex then been rebuffed.

Wide-Aside-7610 · 2023-12-13T21:39:55+00:00

Ew he’s gross

Wide-Aside-7610 · 2023-12-13T21:40:07+00:00

Ew he’s gross

SigmaThinkingMan · 2023-12-13T22:16:32+00:00

Average women having "situationships" with Chad's get so delusional.

Guy asks girl who switches up the deal to leave. Subreddit goes wild.

Comments

He can be kind about saying no instead of a massive asshole about it.

Title	Guy asks girl who switches up the deal to leave. Subreddit goes wild.
Author	nippydart
Upvotes	138
Comments	500
Date	December 13, 2023 2:21 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/18hhuha/guy_asks_girl_who_switches_up_the_deal_to_leave/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/guy-asks-girl-who-switches-up-the-deal-to-leave.1240656 https://theredarchive.com/post/1240656