Most relationships end because men take advantage of their partner and stop putting in effort.

ComfortableJeans · 2024-04-19T14:59:51+00:00

Every single fucking post on this sub just boils down to...

"Side Y is to blame for everything bad, and Side X is the victim of Side Y."

Live_Guidance7199 · 2024-04-19T14:39:57+00:00

The average dude HATES the chase, it's women that want it - and want it to continue forever. Men seek peace. The chase is simply to get the woman then they want to settle down to a nice peaceful life like they had before, just with a partner in it now.

As far as who is in the right, shrugs I will say the chase is unsustainable long term so I lean to agree with men on it.

siletntium · 2024-04-19T14:50:18+00:00

Dates are frequent and sex is extremely passionate and loving

Which he always initiates and plans

if she talks he listens, if she's sad, he comforts her

If he talks or is sad she's "not your therapist"

she wants something for their future, he enthusiastically talks about how they can get it together

And all of the burden to create that future is on him.

Men wait for it to "get better" from the begging the man at the end of the relationship is often the same as the woman at the beginning they will give what they receive

He is kind, generous, loving and attentive and naturally she is the same to him

Men never ever get more than they give and a woman that will return any of this 1:1 is a unicorn. hardly a surprise men getting burnt-out

ilContedeibreefinti · 2024-04-19T14:50:48+00:00

Stage 3: I have never experienced women doing those things. I usually burn out because of her demands- “we HAVE to do this/go here” / or just straight up trying to use me as her assistant. It’s tiring never being seen as a person with those kind of women.

SignifyingNothing5 · 2024-04-19T15:18:27+00:00

Both men and women tend to "let themselves go" emotionally, getting emotionally flabby and complacent as they become comfortable with each other. Same with same sex couples. Some don't but most do.

We'd all be wise to both try a little harder to maintain some of that early energy, along with accepting that it will inevitably wane somewhat,

DreaminInChocolate · 2024-04-19T15:11:52+00:00

I've seen this, but it's always been a minority of break ups. I've also seen it with the genders reversed.

-Babyboi- · 2024-04-19T15:49:31+00:00

I don't disagree with your observation. But it's seen from a woman's perspective.

To give you a bit of insight on how I experience it, read on.

I feel the chase is rather mechanical. When I see a beautiful girl (and I'm single), the urge to get to know her, to feeling like I really like her and want to spend more time with her, happens rather quickly. Probably within milliseconds if you would ask experts in this field. Being the best I can, is something I can't fight against in this situation.

After the honeymoon phase, it's a bit like, reality kicks me in the balls and I realise she has flaws too and her flaws might be big and have a way bigger and longer impact on my future, than I would allow myself to realise when feeling all Bubblely and like this girl was the perfect woman. I think for me the infatuation phase is a bit like a smoke screen where I do all my effort and I feel the pressure everyday to make sure that this amazing creature still likes me.

Afterwards When I see her with all her flaws and imperfections I realise how I also have to be myself with all my flaws and personal needs in order to make my life feel like it's mind. It's like I wake up and realise I was on my way somewhere, when someone or something stole my attention. This wakeup call can make me feel cheated. Because sometimes the woman already made her demands of what she wants from the relationship. When I wake up, I realise, that while she was busy explaining her needs and expectations, I was busy being dreamy about how wonderful this amazing creature was and that she wanted to be with me. Afterwards it can feel like I lost a really really bad bet and I should have seen it coming. Like there is only one winner in this relationship and now it's too late to change the expectations because I already agreed on the terms.

All of the courtship goes one way, and that is towards the woman, she gets used to the morning text, the sweet loving and all the good things she feels we are together. She feels like this is exactly how it should be, but forgets who puts in the effort and feels like the effort is evenly distributed. Not understanding the principles of courtship.

When I wake up from my dreamy Bubblely feeling of how perfect and flawless this woman is, I often end with the question "but hey! wait a minute, what Am I getting out of this?" And if I feel tricked, it all comes down to if I still see a future with this person, to say if I'm even willing to discuss the terms of a potential future together. If not I just break up and move on.

detectiveDollar · 2024-04-19T18:09:26+00:00

Because oftentimes, the chase is exhausting and unsustainable.

I treated my ex well. I paid all the bills, more than my fair share of chores, provided for her so she could drop to part-time work to focus on school. Once she graduated and started working, I made dinner for her every night after her nursing shifts and literally catered to her in bed (I brought it on a bamboo tray).

I ran a tight ship chore/cleaning wise because she had high expectations, told her I loved her every day, hugged/kissed her hello and goodbye, listened to her to the best of my ability (ADHD), fixed anything that was broken, bought her things she wanted/needed, wrote her cards, made her laugh, always went with her to visit her ill mom (if I wasn't working). Oh, and I LOVE giving oral too, so I definitely wasn't selfish in bed.

I did all of the above the entire way through the relationship, for 2.5 years. The dates and vacations dropped off because of me/us being exhausted and her waning enthusiasm/attraction to me. And I did get complacent on my fitness (lost the weight after the breakup).

In the end, she still cheated, still rejected me sexually often, still almost never invited me when she was going out with one particular friend, still didn't communicate, and she still left.

I still blame myself sometimes for how it ended, but sometimes, nothing ever truly can be good enough.

A lot of people here, including both you and I, are bringing betrayal and abandonment trauma onto the sub. I could just as easily make a thread generalizing my experience, but I know that not every woman is my ex, and not every man is yours.

ArtifactFan65 · 2024-04-19T18:28:49+00:00

I agree that many men are lazy and slowly stop putting in effort once they get the girl. However the reality is most women are ungrateful princesses and not worth it anyway. It doesn't matter how many expensive things you buy her it will never be good enough. She will find a way to complain about every single date and present.

He's expected to continue spending money on her, taking her on expensive holidays and climbing the corporate ladder even if he's poor and passing out from exhaustion. Eventually he will lose attraction to her because of the constant bitching, nagging and PMS symptoms.

If I had to summarize I would say on average:

Men = low effort, low maintenance Women = medium effort, very high maintenance

Nellylocheadbean · 2024-04-19T15:40:48+00:00

Men cannot just exist and have a successful relationship. They have to consistently keep her interested and also attracted.

stormiu · 2024-04-19T15:32:06+00:00

I lowkey feel like this is an elaborate ragebait post. This reads exactly like what every redpill/MGTOW mindset is trying to avoid.

GhettoJamesBond · 2024-04-19T14:51:19+00:00

And when have girls ever put in any effort?

ToughingItOut82 · 2024-04-19T14:40:33+00:00

Yeah, I feel like you’re describing what it is to be strung along for years. I’ve seen in happen to some women. But usually these relationships fizzle out before marriage even though they suck years of your life.

Somehow I’ve never been in this kind of relationship myself. Somehow I know how to filter in the end.

boom-wham-slam · 2024-04-19T15:48:32+00:00

This is a generally blue pill relationship cycle.

Typical red pill cycle is very different.

Sharp_Engineering379 · 2024-04-19T14:39:17+00:00

Are men driven by the 'chase'

They are driven to beat out the competition. That’s why they go full hero mode and pretend to be competent and independent and fix all the things.

As soon as she’s locked down, the fear of competition is gone and he reverts back to his actual personality. This is why it’s very important to examine the dynamics he grew up with long before committing to anyone. If his mommy does everything for him, he will expect wifey to fill the same role after they marry.

purplish_possum · 2024-04-19T14:50:06+00:00

Relationships end because women hate -- really can't stand -- putting in the time in grade required to proceed to the next stage.

Career success doesn't just happen it takes years of effort. Those years include a lot of boredom and a lot of grinding.

That nice house on a tree lined street required years of saving to acquire. That saving requires forgoing fancy dates and vacations.

Women don't want to participate in building a life. Women want to be provided that life.

SpareSpecialist5124 · 2024-04-19T15:30:19+00:00

Stage 3: Devalue & Discard Months-Years

Wow, i mean, this is totally one sided, as if there's no blame or accountability on women whatsoever to anything at all.

Men on honeymoon phase often go out of their ways to please and impress women, in a way that isn't healthy for him, and he eventually gets tired of having to do most of the heavy work and paying a fortune on the initial phase of the relationship, and men often are exclusively responsible for the little stressful things like driving her everywhere, carrying every heavy load and many of the things she'll expect him to do, while she just enjoys everything like she's merely a tourist enjoying her ride and lifestyle he's providing and being bombed with love. It's very rare for women to do any part of the courtship during this phase, she'll rely on keeping him around by using sex as a currency.

Then, real life "hits" and women are demanded to start doing their part of the job, like house work, she'll be more stressed and start being frustrated with no longer having a simp doing most of the things for her full time.

It's also common that after the honeymoon phase, women will often feel "secure" in the relationship and stop having sex as much, refusing his advances because "she's tired, period, headache, w/e", and men often even try harder to please her, but eventually they reach the conclusion that she couldn't care less, in fact she might be trying to use sex withdrawal to attempt to get more love bombing from him, and men trying harder usually just backfires by setting higher standards, getting him more tired and nothing else.

At this point most women have already realized their men isn't as perfect as they thought (meaning almost flawless prince charming, driver, butler, etc), and men also have phases when they're more emotional or expose emotional weaknesses, and she loses some of the attraction.

The busy work life also takes a toll on both, often making them seeing the worst of each others and argue about the stupid little things, and taking on each others to cope with the stress and anger of daily life, and from then on, it all boils down to how invested they really are and what they desire. Some women will also start cheating on this phase, in an attempt to relive the romantic ideal they once experienced, and she'll jump boat if she finds someone who she thinks is better (being often mistaken again because the lover "love bombing phase" will also eventually end). Then they'll realize their (ex)husband/boyfriend wasn't all that bad and sometimes try to reconnect with them.

TermAggravating8043 · 2024-04-19T15:25:27+00:00

Yes.

This is a lot if relationships, but I will argue a lot of guys do value their partner and don’t take advantage or neglect them, these are the relationships that last

AdEffective7894s · 2024-04-19T15:30:46+00:00

Women do love posting their Ls.

Firstly, the lack of self-awareness to realize that living like a dancing monkey is not sustainable.

I call it self awareness being lacking because they definitely lack empathy to begin with but basic empathy is putting yourself in the position of the person you are trying to understand. Surely its easy to understand that being the guy who takes all the risks, who takes you out on dates and pays for all of them is undertaking a lot of mental load and is acting out of insecurity

Secondly - during the sassy man situation where women were again confused by men having actual standards of women. As if suddenly existing as a woman wasn't enough. That reaction blew me away... like wtf kind of entitlement do you need to believe that...

Ok lets say that the man is pulling back? how much of the time are you listening to them. How many of you are trying to be god partners for them instead of fullfilling the life path you have planned since highschool

reflect on whether or not you are infact worth the effect

I cant tell you why the guy drifts away

He could be malicious, he could be clueless but he could also be burned out, and he could also be tired of your bullshit

Women. Hold onto your Ls and self reflect. Thats how you grow.

hydro908 · 2024-04-19T16:37:01+00:00

That sounds like a relationship where the guy is higher value , eventually he doesn’t care and wants a better girl so stops putting in effort

DarkSector0011 · 2024-04-19T17:11:23+00:00

Is this really how relationships go? Like I would love to see concrete data on this because it definitely happens. But man I would love to see the hard data. This is a nightmare situation though fr. Checked out partners are the worst.

DumbWordsmith · 2024-04-19T18:51:20+00:00

Setting looks aside entirely, the vast majority of women aren't worth chasing in the long term IMO. What is there to admire about them? They treat men like disposable toys/success objects.

Most men are nothing special. However, the same goes for women.

I've often seen cases where the guy is with a woman but is obsessed with his ex who he see's as the one who got away. If the ex offered to get back with him, he'd immediately dump the new woman for her.

So? That's happened to me before. And there are several female "alpha widows" here who admit that nobody will ever hold a candle to an ex.

throwaway234974 · 2024-04-19T19:07:14+00:00

I'll give an answer that I haven't seen yet. Women do all sorts of things that weaken the relationship but they don't take accountability or apologize. Men get used to swallowing their discontentment because they know it's just going to blow up in their face if they bring it up. This slowly kills their attraction, intimacy, and motivation to put effort into the relationship. But again, they don't mention any of this because women cannot handle negative feedback. So from the woman's perspective, things are just dwindling for no apparent reason, but she's unaware of the dozens of issues that never got resolved because she bullied her man out of discussing any problems that tie back to her. I dated a girl I was in love with who was totally clueless when it came time to break up because she'd get hysterical whenever I'd give constructive feedback in the relationship. In her mind she'd gotten her release and was ready to be nice again and move on from the "fight", but we hadn't addressed the original issue at all, which was her original behaviour that hurt/upset ME. Only you can know if this could have happened in your relationships, but I hear this exact scenario from women all the time and I know a good chunk are just unaware of their own failures in maintaining the relationship.

External_Pomelo939 · 2024-04-19T19:07:43+00:00

Maybe more women should make themselves likable enough to do that. What do you do to inspire a man to feel he needs to constantly keep you entertained and romanced? Or is a woman’s role to sit there and take “romance”? Most of y’all say you won’t even cook or do chores for your partner but expect him to be Superman constantly even with the stresses of life. I can tell you right now for most women it’s never enough and you never get it back in return (at least not how you want it). Having to constantly cater to what she feels and not reality is absolutely draining.

BDaily24 · 2024-04-19T16:35:44+00:00

This is a tale as old as time. Men become complacent in relationships. The key is not to get sexually involved with men until you get serious commitment out of them and they’ve proven they will always treat you like a new girlfriend.

Also, who cares if men slander women for dumping lazy assholes? Only lazy assholes say shit like that.

I think it was a Reddit poster who posited that men often think back fondly to their exes while women don’t. This is the reason.

Hoopy223 · 2024-04-19T15:11:26+00:00

Everything is the “Man’s Fault” lol.

Most divorces I’ve seen in the actual adult world happened due to money issues (husband not making enough $$) or different expectations that finally came to a head.

Tywinlol · 2024-04-19T15:49:14+00:00

Thank you for this post. It reminded me about why Im on this sub, why I the only answer why females should hear from me is no, why relationships with them should be avoided at all cost. You fine ladies are very good at hiding your nature in daily life and time from time when I interact with friends or coworkers I think: oh she is nice maybe I should make a move, date, give ltr another chance. Thank you for reminding me that I will be nothing but dancing monkey for her, atm and free therapist. Thank you for making me appreciate sex workers more. After seven years of freedom I was starting to forget what a relationship with female is, how it steals your soul, time, effort, money, friends, hobbies, enthusiasm for next day, hope in general and so on. Thank you for reminding me. Dear parasites do us all a favor and go your own way.

babazuki · 2024-04-19T15:10:43+00:00

Have you thought of how exhausting it is to be with someone that contantly needs to feel excitement and entertainment?

Holy shit, can he have some rest without her feeling like she isn't loved?

Also why did she only start putting in more effort cooking and cleaning when she thought he would leave her? And wtf is lying down in lingerie supposed to mean to him? That's supposed to be valued by him? Turning herself into a sex object

Freevoulous · 2024-04-19T15:11:58+00:00

99% of cases it depends on the quality and quantity of sex. Fuck the dude every day and honeymoon love never stops.

anna_alabama · 2024-04-19T16:42:04+00:00

I’ve been in stage 2 for 8 years. If a guy doesn’t actually like you and doesn’t see a future with you, why would he put effort into the relationship?

jay10033 · 2024-04-19T15:19:26+00:00

This is fan fiction. Notice how there's zero reciprocity in the beginning from the woman. Somehow she "magically" starts paying all the bills.

TheDerInDisorder · 2024-04-19T15:52:58+00:00

Anyone else notice that the length of a post in this sub is directly proportional to how full of shit the poster is?

John-Nada_ · 2024-04-19T17:57:51+00:00

This is a really weird approach.

You do understand that narcissistic masks fall off after 12-14 months daily living together?

This is where women could actually red pill themselves and understand the different types of personality disorders and why they attract them into their own lives as well.

But nope, same as guy’s. It always has to be someone else’s fault.

Puzzleheaded_Card_71 · 2024-04-19T18:43:50+00:00

It dries up because the men who did all the work don’t get reciprocity. That has been my experience. Once you do the hard work, pay, plan, woo, sacrifice and care you hope to see some reciprocal effort on her part and most of the time, there isn’t any beyond being sexually available, and that isn’t enough.

All the good stuff you reference in the beginning is men doing the vast bulk of the work. Notice that?

raldabos · 2024-04-19T22:28:11+00:00

Oh, Schrödinger's shitty men: both simultanously having no sex and no success at dating because they are really shitty, while at the same time being shitty boyfriend material.

Stop_Maximum · 2024-04-19T15:18:36+00:00

Alexa play “love bombing”

Lilrip1998 · 2024-04-19T17:10:25+00:00

Yep. That pretty much sums up the fallout of three relationships I had.

hostility_kitty · 2024-04-19T14:42:37+00:00

Yep sounds about right. That’s why once a guy started getting too comfortable and stopped putting in effort, I would leave him after he refused to communicate/change. Hate having my time wasted.

thisaccountaintrea1 · 2024-04-19T17:25:17+00:00

You misunderstand. I was talking to a female friend of mine the other day, and she mentioned that she didn’t end relationships until she actively disliked the guy she was seeing, not just when things aren’t going well. Guys who have options generally don’t let things get to this point; they just bounce before or very shortly after things get to Stage 3.

With guys who don’t have options, however, the math is different. These guys will stay in relationships they’re not really feeling anymore, but they still derive some benefit from it, hence Stage 3. The love is largely gone, but they’ll make an effort to save it to avoid losing whatever that benefit was.

I've often seen cases where the guy is with a woman but is obsessed with his ex who he see's as the one who got away. If the ex offered to get back with him, he'd immediately dump the new woman for her.

I’d argue that women do this more than guys (though of course that kind of thing is impossible to quantify). Listen to Taylor Swift’s new album; compare the songs about Matty Healy to the songs about Travis Kelce.

neinhaltchad · 2024-04-19T17:44:38+00:00

Here’s another pattern:

Women put 100% effort to hook a man they want.

They act feminine, flirty sexy and agreeable. They act like they are down for just about anything sexually and love wearing lingerie and they watch their weight and stay fit. They wear sexy clothes and do their makeup meticulously. They laugh at all his stupid jokes and love going out with him and his friends.

Fast Forward:

They stopped going to the gym and started getting fat because she should be “sexy at any size” if he “really loves her”

She stopped doing her makeup at all because “looking like that every day isn’t sustainable” even though she did this every day during the courting phase.

She started having a hair trigger of bitchiness and will start hours long fights if his sock missed the hamper or he forgot to put the toilet seat up.

She now thinks blowjobs are “gross and degrading”

She now thinks that shaving her pussy is “patriarchy” and doesn’t have time for all that. She’s a natural woman. Deal with it.

She now finds your friends annoying and complains when you want to hang out with them with or without her.

She now hates your humor and considers is “immature and misogynistic”

She now wears exclusively wears granny panties, long PJ bottoms and baggy t shirts around the house because they are “comfy”

She has no problem farting in front of him and pees with the bathroom door open frequently.

We can keep going …

The point is, expecting anything resembling the “Phase 1” version of a person in “Phase 3+” is absolute idiocy.

Alert_Reality5079 · 2024-04-19T16:10:24+00:00

You are SO right . It is exactly as you describe this pattern. And i am so glad i am not living with my partner.

RosieBarb · 2024-04-19T15:08:43+00:00

This is not the trajectory I see per se, more like disillusionment at realizing he is not who she wanted. The star shine fades and she sees he is nothing special and even if he loves her, she feels like a chummy best friend. That or he has been casually cruel with her. At this juncture she must decide if he's worth it or not.

MistyMaisel · 2024-04-19T16:48:48+00:00

Were you spying on me or something? This is pretty much all my relationships until my current one.

Ladies, take notes: there are men for whom a consistent loving, appreciative, and forward relationship is not an arduous and terrible task. They exist. Find them. Believe the man who shows you he isn't that guy. He isn't. Leave.

thedarkracer · 2024-04-19T14:57:30+00:00

Most men do it, yes but why? The hypergamic nature of women to want the top cream only. The long list of demands that a woman has which a guy has to fulfill.

Purple_Kangaroo8549 · 2024-04-19T17:00:33+00:00

Life isn't a vacation, it isn't dating, the idea any of this would continue indefinitely is a fantasy.

Elldion · 2024-04-19T17:07:13+00:00

Stages 1 and 2 are the guy putting in extreme effort - with seemingly no reciprocity from the woman.

He pursues, woos, engages with her. Plans dates. Texts her good morning. He makes her feel safe, comfortable. Her feelings, fears, are taken seriously.

Yet... she never seems to do the same in return. This fictional woman is very passive.

Yeah, OP adds in some bull shit at the end: "Naturally, she does the same..." But this entire rant did not feel that way, at all.

Now, in stage 3, she starts to put in some effort, and the guy is burnt out on being the one that always has to give and give. Now, she tries to salvage it when he's probably already lost interest.

A relationship takes two to work. After the first date, effort should be put on both sides. The woman should plan dates. Text him good morning. Woo him as well. And take his feelings as seriously as he does her own.

This rant didn't feel equal at all, and is clearly from a female perspective. Which is just half of the equation.

DarayRaven · 2024-04-19T15:59:51+00:00

Why exactly should l be in a relationship were l've to put effort ?

That's not a relationship to me but a business transaction were it was just efforts keeping it alive

CalligrapherSimple39 · 2024-04-19T14:53:03+00:00

The absolute hard truth from male perspective is.

The only reason males have to interact with women except for practical purposes is for sex ONLY.

Men are crazy for sex and pussy. Unless you are a man you will never understand.

Man will put up with many things just to get the pussy, relationship, marriage, they will change jobs their bodies everything just to get pussy.

So once they finally get it. Then they can get back to the stuff they enjoy and not have to continue with the silly nonsense of romancing etc

Safinated · 2024-04-19T15:45:46+00:00

But a lot don’t, because expectations are low and women are desperate for love and caring

And babies, don’t forget babies

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bifewova234 · 2024-04-19T16:31:29+00:00

Just another negative generalization about a gender based on claimed personal experiences. The evidence is weak, and for me to consider it Id first have to believe that OP credible, but I dont even know who OP is. Just some random person on the internet.

Thaeland · 2024-04-19T16:46:48+00:00

I would say it's the other way around....

CraftyCooler · 2024-04-19T17:05:09+00:00

"The chase is better than the catch..." - Scooter

Select_Self_6377 · 2024-04-19T18:35:00+00:00

I bet there are a few things going on here. #1, at the beginning of a relationship men enter with an incredible (and unsustainable) level of enthusiasm. They are incredibly attracted to their female partner in a way that women are not attracted to men. Men have higher sex drives and are generally speaking the initiators, they spend a lot of time trying to "win over" a woman. This requires a a high level of constant effort and dedication that is based largely on lust/desire, a lust /desire that few women share with the majority of men. That level of lust and effort is unsustainable however so naturally the level of effort to "woo" a partner who is already (seemingly) into you goes down. Basically, the "expectations" set at the beginning of a relationship by the actions a highly motivated guy are unsustainable over the long-term and thus anything close to the guy going back to more of his normal routine is taken as the man "putting in now effort." Compared to the high effort of earlier on, this is in some ways true.

2 Women simply don't desire men as much as vis-versa so they will naturally be much quicker to notice and become resentful over the "normalization" of a relationship. And of course, in the cases where they guy is actually as cartoonishly lazy as you describe in your post, women will also be far less willing to "put up with" a partner who does not meet their expectations. Most men are not going to care all that much if their female partner stops putting in the same level of effort/develops or reveals certain undesirable traits. She is still a woman and the guy is still going to be attracted to her. Studies show that men are far better off (live longer, are healthier, have better sex, make more money, etc.) in relationships with women anyway, even if the relationship is not ideal. Women have far less to gain in a relationship with a man and thus are less willing to put up with anything they don't really like.

No-Assistant-2592 · 2024-04-19T19:08:34+00:00

It's mostly down to men not having the emotional toolset, or judgement free space, to express their dissatisfaction in a relationship. There are underlying needs that aren't met, but they can't express that in any coherent way, so they just distance themselves in the relationship.

Every person is different, but I think that there's a very universal need of feeling appreciated that isn't met. People that are 'chased' often miss believe that them sating 'yes' is the same as acknowledging or appreciating the other; something that isn't always true.

tres_ecstuffuan · 2024-04-19T20:56:54+00:00

My relationship went the opposite. As time went on I gave more and more and more, I compromised more and more. Then in the end when I was working two jobs, doing all the household chores, cooking every meal, she left me which damn near killed me.

Kir-ius · 2024-04-19T22:29:08+00:00

Men are not fucking driven by the chase at all. The chase is not fun nor thrilling, it’s a drag. What is exciting is both sides putting in effort and there’s attraction rather than chasing. Typical western women have little to offer and expect just their looks to carry the relationship so when that is all there is what they bring to the relationship dies. The women who bring more than that to the relationship is when it thrives

Hot_Bird_5433 · 2024-04-19T22:31:36+00:00

Women like you will have all kinds of excuses and justifications about why you deserve an overly attentive yes-man partner who will let you take the lead and be the man in the relationship. I was the one who ended both my LTRs so not all relationships follow this silly pattern.

SlowEffective8146 · 2024-04-19T22:49:12+00:00

This just sounds like women hitting the wall and men don't care about putting forth more effort for an uglier woman.

Leinadro · 2024-04-20T00:46:39+00:00

Does that happen? Yes. Most relationships? Serious Doubt.

I doubt it because for the longest time this kind of deterioration has only been told from the woman's side and in a lot cases the man's side provides context that changes the outlook.

It's easy to say he "stopped putting in effort" when in fact "his efforts were almost exclusively met with complaints".

It's easy to say "I did all the chores myself" when it fact "She just didn't like the way he did chores". And no that's not "weaponized incompetence" that's just him doing it differently. Funny how wives treating their husbands like this isn't called controlling when it damn well is.

It's easy to say "he only gets her a card on her birthday now" and ignore "the years of him spending a good bit of money on gifts for her birthday just to get a card and MAYBE some reluctant chore sex (meaning she isn't into it she's just doing it to make him happy) on his".

It's easy to blame everything on men when starting from the conclusion that women do no wrong.

wtknight · 2024-04-20T03:28:27+00:00

It's more that men "become themselves" than that they take advantage of women. Many men put on "masks" and make extra effort in the initial courtship phase. I would not say that becoming themselves in most cases is any real purposeful attempt to take advantage of women, and women often end these relationships when a man who is seemingly better appears. Of course, this new man may also be putting on a mask, which often leads to women dating man after man, never ultimately being satisfied with any of them.

calfshrug · 2024-04-20T03:57:44+00:00

I have things to say about this, because it's reflected in my complicated relationship, but on both sides. Overall, I faltered over time, but she also faltered.

I began towards the end to consider telling her the truth that I had cheated on her, though 2022, and in September, i confessed to her for my actions since 2016, my lies out of shame from the beginning of the relationship when we became each other's first Loves, when we were 20 and 18, which developed soon into my cheating back in 2016 and all along since.

She was notified by a girl who tipped her off to my clumsy attempt at a rendezvous late night off the reservation back in summer 2017, and pleading and crying, I got another chance from my Love.. but I was afraid to confess to everything, even my past gay sex and prostitute adventures from the year prior to when I met her, 2015-2016, which I feared I would have to confess to both her and my family, who are straight-laced, passive-aggressive, painfully-dutiful and self-restricting, conscientious conservatives. And my grandmother would go to her grave seeing my wrecked relationship and all of my shame.

At this point in 2017, i had been dropped out of college since a few months before I met my love, a subject of friction, but now, she had discovered my impulses tempted me with more than just pornography. But she decided to give me another chance, anyway.

I hadn't confided my elder brother yet (only did so after I got mugged and barely maneuvered my way out of entrapment by two people in a room before pissing my pants and bolting in an emotion-addled visit to a prostitute advertisement after I got humiliated in front a girl and dude who had teased me at work) I was still years away from confessing to my parents my loss of faith in God, and another 5 years from telling my girl of my full-on cheating.

But as the years went by, as she and I had nasty fights, as both of our families became aware of our fighting, as we matured - I got an itch to tell her everything. I began to journal a litany of preambles, toes in the water, foreshadowings, until the day I finally told her, when I could no longer lie with a straight face when she would ask if I'm hiding anything.

Guts fell out and I entered hell... 20,000 hours of each other side-by-side, of her arranging vacations, buying presents for me and my family, being constantly supportive, applying me to jobs and signing me up for classes, and all of this is thrown in the air

Necessary-Ask-3619 · 2024-04-20T08:36:57+00:00

The efforts you are talking about is the chase, which women never do. The man was the one putting efforts during courtship, it reduces with time. You all think he is taking you for granted. By that logic, you have been taking the man granted all along.

She doesn't understand what happened to the guy she met in the beginning, she put more and more effort into the relationship, starts reading about love languages, tries to surprise him with sexy lingerie, buys him thoughtful gifts, asks if there are any issues in the relationship, but she is ignored.

This rarely if ever happens.

Step 1 & Step 2 is all about guys doing something for her. Nothing there from her. It's only in Step 3 that he stops that she begins to put efforts? Maybe because the man is tired of him being the one who does it all and detaches himself after which she starts to put efforts. Why didn't she put as much effort during 1st two stages?

NGL, every time I see women genuinely say stuff like this thinking it makes their point, it only shows me how detached you are from reality. Men being the only ones who put efforts in first 2 stages and then stopping means men are the ones taking advantage? How does that even compute?

every relationship I have personally been in bar one has followed this exact pattern

Really telling on yourself there.

untamed-italian · 2024-04-19T17:20:33+00:00

This is incredibly insecure. If you need constant attention and validation to feel loved, how much time can you spend returning any of those needs?

You treat the woman's contributions to the relationship as a given, but effort does not equal contributions. If the effort is focused on changing him or using him, it isn't a contribution.

If this has happened in all your relationships... there is one common factor in all of them.

MiddleZealousideal89 · 2024-04-19T16:01:21+00:00

I will agree that this happens in some, probably a decent amount of relationships. A friend of mine was with her partner for like 10 years, and for the last 3 or 4, he was just kind of like a presence in the apartment more than an actual partner - he didn't want to do anything, didn't want to go anywhere, every now and then he'd try to make some plans but would fail to actualize them. Eventually, she left him, and I think that might have been a wake-up call for him because he's very active, he met some new people and does something fun outside of the house every other weekend from what I can tell from his social media. And you know what, great for him but it's sad that he couldn't be this person before.

I have an issue with using "devalue and discard" for relationships in general because they're mostly used when it comes to relationships (not exclusively romantic ones) with narcissists, and I don't think most people are narcissists. Now, you can absolutely feel devalued and discarded by your partner just phoning it in. Like I said, a decent amount of people probably do start taking their partners for granted at some point in a relationship. However, I wouldn't use these terms to describe someone who is an otherwise decent person who may not yet realize/may have forgotten that relationships require work and maintenance to function. I think those terms make the whole thing much more malicious than it might be, and it minimizes the bullshit an actual narcissist will put you through. Not saying that it doesn't suck for your partner to seem not all that interested in you, it does but it's a different kind of shitty from your partner not just not being interested in you but also constantly putting you down and insulting you.

Sure_Let6170 · 2024-04-19T17:06:00+00:00

As opposed to, you know, "forever honeymoon phase" which is totally sustainable and realistic?

Jazzlike_Worth_9908 · 2024-04-19T17:22:23+00:00

It describes a fair amount of relationships. My longest ltr included. Id nuance that women tend to badly communicate their despair during phase 3 or to not communicate them at all

_noneoftheabove · 2024-04-19T19:44:21+00:00

I’ve seen this pattern. Obviously it is not universal. Just my personal experience but men seem to jump into a relationship with two feet very quickly while women tend to be more cautious. He’s all in, infatuated based mostly on physical attraction and sex, while she’s a bit slower to build a connection and doesn’t get sucked into infatuation mode as much. He’s so intent on planning things and progressing the relationship that she doesn’t feel like she has much room or opportunity to “lead” the relationship herself.

I think around the end of the honeymoon stage is when women start really considering the longterm staying power of the relationship and start voicing any concerns they have about the relationship: communication issues, unevenness in providing and receiving emotional support, etc. To her, this is her putting in effort and demonstrating her commitment to him. She’s thought a lot about what it will take to make the relationship work long term and it’s work to think through those issues and raise them with him.

Men can feel blindsided by this and start pulling back. He thinks she doesn’t appreciate everything he’s done for her and is fixated on problems he doesn’t see or understand. She does appreciate the things he does for her, but she needs improvement in those other areas for the relationship to work. She might double down on pressing for those conversations, and this is when he starts stonewalling and stops doing all the little things he used to do. Shit falls apart after that, with neither party being able to see the other’s perspective, until she pulls the plug.

Maybe I’m projecting but I think that dynamic is fairly common.

bloblikeseacreature · 2024-04-20T10:27:07+00:00

No, they don't want the chase. Or most of them don't at least.

They don't know what they want. They don't think enough to understand what a relationship is, how it works, what inputs it requires, what you can expect to get out of it. Whether any of that is even something they would like.

They just get into relationships because boner and limerence and because that's what people do and have always done. They don't have goals or plans for the relationship, or if they do, they're usually stupid goals set to follow some kind of very concrete lifestyle checklist.

The pattern you describe follows from acting on emotions, with movies and TV as the only reference script, without any skill or effort put into learning or thinking about what they're doing. When the emotions fade away and there is no plan, no awareness and no skills, a negative feedback cycle is inevitable.

ExcelsiorState718 · 2024-04-20T11:16:33+00:00

I just watched something that said infidelity was the primary cause for break ups..

All I can say to that is the type of men women like I wouldnt expect to be monogamous because they have lots of options.

Old_Luck285 · 2024-04-20T12:04:58+00:00

Many relationships fail after the honeymoon phase and that's not a bad thing. It just shows that - initial attraction aside - there's a lack of basic compatibility concerning interests and life goals.

In the beginning of a relationship, men often try to sell themselves to women, pretending to be someone they're not ("chasing").

Don't do this! If your actions aren't sustainable in the long run, don't pretend. Once you stop, she'll lose sexual interest in you (it's not withholding!) which leads to you resenting her.

My last boyfriend and I simply didn't have enough in common to fill day to day life in a mutually satisfying way. No shared activities aside, we usually couldn't even agree on a film to watch, there just wasn't enough overlap.

To live such a relationship means constant compromise. In the worst case - at opposite ends - you spent 100% of your time with one party not really getting what they want. Who in their right mind wants this?!

I also think that women tend to seek more "excitement" in their romantic relationships. Without shared interests, that makes it extra hard for the guy. Either you overextend yourself (bad) or you bore her (also bad).

Comfortable-Dare-307 · 2024-04-20T14:27:40+00:00

False. Most relationships end because men have to pretend to be something they are not to attract wonen. Women are lazy and think they don't have to put any effort into dating. Thus, when a man becomes himself, women get bored and use lame excuses to cheat like "he's not the man I married". If women would actually contribute to a relationship they wouldn't end as often. Women are always concerned about what men have to bring into a relationship and never think about what they have to offer. I've learned women have nothing to offer that I can't do better by myself.

Intelligent-Bad-2950 · 2024-04-20T15:56:15+00:00

It usually just happens because men match the relationship energy.

But when women get reciprocal treatment, then suddenly the guy is "slacking" now

Pathosgrim · 2024-04-20T21:55:32+00:00

Most relationships end when women decide to end them

CloudsTasteGeometric · 2024-04-20T22:26:45+00:00

"I'll take 'pointing out the obvious' for $500, Alex."

ssshreddder0112358 · 2024-04-21T13:23:25+00:00

its really straight forward. men are putting all the effort and women do nothing but demand and everything is on the guy. he does the initial effort with the hope that she is going to reciprocate after getting attached, and withdraws the disproportional amount of effort down to a normal level. after he sees that the women continues to demand more than she gives, he looses interest.

DeathcoreOnly · 2024-04-22T19:02:10+00:00

“Man bad women good” “Everything is always men’s fault”

DeathcoreOnly · 2024-04-22T19:37:09+00:00

If this is how all of your relationships have gone, they’re all completely 100% your fault. Reading all your responses, this is either rage bait, you’re 15 years old, or incredibly immature

FeelsMan · 2024-05-03T07:02:56+00:00

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

thesweetgal08 · 2024-08-31T14:40:40+00:00

You just described my relationship of 5 years. Which just fizzled out LAST WEEK.

Title	Most relationships end because men take advantage of their partner and stop putting in effort.
Author	Princessoflights
Upvotes	0
Comments	846
Date	April 19, 2024 2:33 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1c7ydq4/most_relationships_end_because_men_take_advantage/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/most-relationships-end-because-men-take-advantage.1515685 https://theredarchive.com/post/1515685

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