Asking your partner to wear less revealing clothes: controlling or boundaries?

wtknight · 2023-04-20T17:32:04+00:00

If people can’t find to an agreement or compromise then they are incompatible. Case closed. Whether the behavior is “controlling” or not is irrelevant.

NockerJoe · 2023-04-20T17:08:09+00:00

If you date someone who was posting thirst traps expect them to continue to do so. Thats a decision you need to make ahead of time before the relationship is established.

Steakman1 · 2023-04-20T17:29:43+00:00

If you knew they are someone to post thirst traps and dress revealingly before you got into a relationship with them, you should not have gotten into a relationship with them expecting them to change. Clearly you didn’t have a problem with it before you started dating them otherwise you wouldn’t have started dating them in the first place. But if you’re in a relationship with them and they all of a sudden start doing this stuff, then I think it is reasonable to say that you don’t like it and ask them to not do it. But either way, you cannot force them to stop doing it. And if you attempt to force them, then that’s when it would start becoming controlling. Simply having a problem with it and walking away from the relationship if she refuses to stop is not controlling.

I don’t think asking someone to not do something is controlling. It’s only when you attempt to force them to not do it and attempt to take away the ability for the other person to make their own decision.

AngeCruelle · 2023-04-20T17:17:58+00:00

That's something that needs to be preemptively resolved in the vetting stage. Don't date people whose clothing choices are incompatible with your tastes or values. If you expect them to change after the fact you will be the asshole every time.

If you met him wearing Walmart clothes don't expect him to change to J. Crew. Same goes for "revealing" clothes.

AstronautLoveShack · 2023-04-20T16:49:31+00:00

Of course it's a boundary to you, because you are the main character in your own story. To her, you are a man telling her what to wear and how to behave online, which is controlling.

If you have different values, just break up with her instead of telling her what to do and what to wear. That would be a real boundary.

Demasii · 2023-04-20T17:19:23+00:00

Replace clothes with something else.

Can you shave your beard? Can you stop riding your motorcycle? Can you give your dog up for adoption?

I mean you can ask anything you want technically. But calling it a boundary issue and framing it as a problem is controlling.

gat15 · 2023-04-20T16:44:12+00:00

If you don't like her style then don't get with her.

stasiafox · 2023-04-20T21:42:47+00:00

A boundary is where you choose to be in control of yourself: “I will not date a partner who dresses in revealing clothes”

It’s something you decide for yourself and stick to.

Controlling is when you try to control the behavior of another person: “you have to change the way you dress”

Do you see the difference?

You have the right to establish and stick to any boundary you want. You don’t have the right to control what others do.

abcixtwt · 2023-04-20T16:50:53+00:00

If you were attracted to them and wanted a relationship with them when they were wearing those same revealing clothes then it is controlling to suddenly switch up.

Everyone is entitled to how they feel but telling them to change when you knew what you were getting into is a you problem.

GemXi · 2023-04-20T17:00:11+00:00

Both behaviors, mate guarding and resistance to mate guarding are adaptive. The sexes are not going to find common ground here because of antagonistic coevolution as it's a perpetual arms race.

Mr_Makak · 2023-04-20T16:47:20+00:00

As a dude - this is not a boundary. Boundaries are things you don't want done to you. Someone's fashion choices aren't that.

You're not necessarily malicious or controlling to ask. I have asked my girlfriends to dress in a style I like before, which was actually more revealing. I've also been asked to dress differently. As long as it's not a demand but a "hey, I like this style and I would find it cool and sexy if you dressed like that more" - no harm no faul.

ChadChasingB · 2023-04-20T16:43:24+00:00

I think it depends on if they were doing it when they met you or not.

MortalWombat83 · 2023-04-20T19:43:11+00:00

I can fight so wouldn't care what she wears '(she doesn't exist btw I'm single as fuck)

bahuller · 2023-04-21T12:49:19+00:00

It’s controlling.

A boundary is something that is yours (e.g. “don’t tickle me, I don’t like to be tickled”). You don’t want them to do something TO YOU.

Controlling behaviour is something that relates to the actions of the other that is not directly related to you (“don’t talk to that guy because it makes me feel bad”). You don’t want them to do something that doesn’t relate to you but that you don’t like.

No judgement here, just definitions.

MistyMaisel · 2023-04-20T18:22:32+00:00

Firstly, were they doing this before you guys met? Call me crazy, but I think social media is all about learning the values and lifestyle of the person you're signing up for. If she's posting booty pics all day and showing off that rocking body, why on earth would you expect her to change that just because you got with her? You're being controlling.

Secondly, are you posting thirst trap pictures of yourself, and be honest, men can do this too and do it all the time. So if you're showing off leg day and the arms at planet fitness, you've got no call to be ragging on your girl for talking about squat thrusting at her place.

Thirdly, what's your definition of "revealing" or thirst trap? I've known so many guys that just think a girl taking a picture on the beach not even posed provocatively, or a selfie, or showing off something she's doing without her man in the picture is a thirst trap and for me, this is just a display of like insanity, insecurity, and controlling behaviors. Which is allowed by the way, but, I would think a woman sane to leave you for it.

Fourthly, can you have a conversation about this with your partner where it is a discussion. That's not a fight or an assumption you're correct, but an actual honest to goodness conversation about your feelings, why you have them, and what compromise can be reached? It's fine for the answer to be there's no compromise here, but that's going to be a turn off for lots of women.

Fifthly, how much of this is weather dependent. Like are you the sort of dude who calls shorts and a tank-top or pretty normal summer/spring fashion too revealing. Again, this is fine, but lots of girls are not trying to trigger you, daddy-o. It's hot out and taking clothing off is often the best way to stay cool.

And let me speak to that, I'm a pretty modest woman by all accounts, I never really did thirst trap stuff, it's not my thing. I don't really often dress super revealing because again, just not me. But, I admit, very rarely, the mood will strike to dress a lil sexy. I can't tell you what or why, but I'll wake up feeling like I wanna show a little more skin and look hot. I'm not doing it for anyone besides myself and my beloved boyfriend, but the rest of you exist so that's that. And I'm lucky, I have a man who doesn't care and knows it's all for him any way and enjoys showing me off on his arm. To me, that's a secure and healthy man that can accept sometimes I wanna look sexy for him and myself and other people get to reap the benefits from the sidelines.

But, if you aren't that kind of man, that's cool, you just need to find a woman who is cool with that and express your preferences in a calm, compromising, and fair way that acknowledges weather and the feelings of women who want to sometimes look sexy out there in the world. And you better be walking the same walk. If you get to tell her not to wear something, she better get to tell you what to wear or how to look for her to feel comfortable with you.

interesting-mug · 2023-04-20T21:01:07+00:00

I’d say to screen out people who do that, if it bothers you. It shows an incompatibility. And it does seem unfair to ask someone to change this about herself.

Some guys feel pride when they see a hot pic of their gf on social media, so those guys should probably date the thirst trap girls.

Sell_Relevant · 2023-04-21T12:13:45+00:00

Controlling 100% your partner is not yours to dress

Relative_Bee8356 · 2023-04-20T19:26:09+00:00

I would dump someone who made that request. I don't do jealous bullshit in relationships and I don't tolerate it either. I don't want that type of relationship and I am highly suspicious of anyone who does. I would straight-up rather get cheated on.

Lots of people don't wear revealing clothes or post thirst traps even when they're single -- why not date one of them instead, if it's such a big deal to you?

gofigure62 · 2023-04-20T17:49:10+00:00

It's controlling. There are plenty of women out there who don't wear revealing clothes at all.

Why would anyone go out of their way to enter into a relationship with someone who doesn't share the same values and try to strong arm them into being the ideal version of what they want? That's controlling, manipulative, and even abusive.

If someone really believed in modestly, then they'd selectively date and enter into relationships with women that are already modest. There are women who share the same views regarding revealing clothing, yet men who have an issue with revealing clothing don't seem interested in those women to any degree.

Most of these men get off on chasing women that are the opposite of everything they claim to want, and playing the game of breaking and manipulating these women into shells that do whatever they say.

neetykeeno · 2023-04-20T23:25:06+00:00

People come from cultures. Cultures have defining cultural experiences and cultural norms. If it is normal in her culture for attached women of a particular age to post a particular sort of pic in a particular way and it isn't normal in yours then maybe that's something you should have pushed to work out between you before you went and started feeling attached to her.

People also have their particular interpretation of their culture. If she likes posting half naked artsy shots of all her biker style body tattoos for example. But hey it's not real hard to work out how someone is interpreting their culture. Maybe pay some serious attention to working out who she is if there's a possibility you can't handle who she is. You could maybe start by looking at her social media.

I'm not a big one for posting any sort of photos but if I decided to start posting photos I'd post photos that are culturally normal for my culture when it comes to amount of skin shown and sexuality projected. That would include things like being at the beach in my swimsuit just doing normal beach things with my family, pictures in evening attire ready to go out, etc. And anyone who doesn't like it can seriously just go fuck themselves and all their 1001 cousins back in Bumfuckistan whose reaction to a picture of me building a goddamn sandcastle while in a halter top and shorts they are so freaking scared of.

I don't just stop being an Australian whose white ancestors came here in the mid 1850s and who is strongly attached to sun, sea, surf, theatre, comedy, a drink at the pub etc if I have sex with a guy who isn't. The beach is one of our defining experiences. I'm from Adelaide. All the fun and revelry of Mad March and the Festival of Arts and the Fringe Festival is a culturally defining thing. I might put on an evening dress with a bit of cleavage. I might wear high heels. I might pose for a photo next to a street performer who is in drag. It's normal for me. I'm not changing. I stand firmly in my culture. Deal with it or fuck off. I teach my daughters to stand firmly in their culture. Deal with it or fuck off.

This isn't the Bronze age or the mediaeval era. Women don't just pack up and leave everything behind and implement all the ways of their male sexual partners particular interpretation of his particular culture. That goes whether the cultural difference is ethnic or class or religious or subculture based. Dicks aren't magic wands that take away all the ways a woman relates to her culture. If you want a woman to change that much you can't just expect it to happen, you have to talk about it politely and if she's not unhappy with her culture she is quite likely to say no and her saying no is normal.

Maybe think about it and discuss it well before it becomes a very big deal... before you feel invested? At that point it is definitely boundaries. The more invested you are the stronger your motivation to be controlling.

januaryphilosopher · 2023-04-20T17:08:38+00:00

Your boundaries are about what you or others do to you, not what others do to themselves or others. You can have a boundary about what you wear, but not about what someone else wears. This request is a request to control. This is no insult, by the way, as some requests to control are pretty unobjectionable - asking my partner to do the dishes when it's his turn, for example. And of course, you can ask whatever you like so long as no is an answer and you can accept when others object to it. To many this is pretty objectionable, and they're as entitled to react badly or even break up in response to you asking as you are to ask. (I also find the concept of "emotional cheating" ridiculous, by the way. Not everything your partner does that you don't like is cheating.)

Miserable_Yam4778 · 2023-04-20T17:53:30+00:00

If one were to find a woman's insta and it's full of what they would consider "provocative" pictures, subsequently hooks up with the woman, and then expects her to change, that person is an idiot.

If you want a modest woman, find one who's modest to begin with.

DoinIt989 · 2023-04-20T17:22:59+00:00

It's pretty controlling. Posting thirst traps is very different from just wearing revealing clothing. And frankly if you don't trust your girl to be faithful, just dump her. Some of the biggest "304s" and home-wreckers are the quiet, mousy girls who dress modestly. The loud, revealing girls are usually just a tease.

missionarymechanic · 2023-04-20T19:40:27+00:00

It's cool if I dress like a slob and wear clothing with embarrassing/offensive statements 24/7?

The pro move is to shop within your expectations and tastes and have this discussion early to see where you both stand. You want someone to dress modestly? Find someone who dresses modestly. Social media has made it easier than ever to figure this stuff out. Having standards and boundaries is not a problem. Trying to bait-and-switch or to manipulate someone into what they're not is the issue.

Personally, I would prefer someone who dresses modestly and is genuinely concerned with this. It's not been an issue to answer questions of, "is this dress too revealing?" (Dated a 5'10" woman who was pretty thin. Modesty was a never-ending struggle when maxi-dresses often looked like mini-dresses on her.)

KikiYuyu · 2023-04-21T08:17:23+00:00

If what your partner wears bothers you, the correct thing to do is talk it out.

VehementlyDrawn · 2023-04-20T17:25:05+00:00

The trick to figure this out is a simple formula, let me explain it to you:

If it's a boundary/preference/standard that a man sets, it's simply insecurity. If it originates from a woman, then it's ok.

MyLastBestChance · 2023-04-20T18:27:41+00:00

Deciding that you don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who dresses or behaves in a way that makes you uncomfortable is a boundary.

Trying to compel someone to change the way they dress or behave because it makes you uncomfortable is controlling.

See the difference? One is a decision that you make for yourself. The other is a decision that you try to make for someone else.

That said, there’s nothing wrong with a respectful conversation and explanation of how feel about something. It’s up to the other person to decide how they feel about it.

“When I see you going out wearing that shirt and looking so sexy, I feel insecure and upset about it because of the way other people react.” That’s not controlling, it’s sharing your feelings.

“No girlfriend of mine is going out looking like a slut. Go change or you’re not going anywhere”. That IS controlling.

“I’m afraid we can’t see each other anymore. I know we’ve discussed it and I’m just not comfortable with the kind of attention you get and I think we’ll be better off apart.” Thats having a boundary and enforcing it.

SwaySh0t · 2023-04-20T18:20:05+00:00

When you’re In committed relationship don’t do single shit. It’s not rocket science.

TemporalCash531 · 2023-04-20T17:37:10+00:00

Controlling.

96tillinfinity_ · 2023-04-20T17:36:06+00:00

If a man needs to ask her to wear less revealing clothing then she already does not respect him

howdoiw0rkthisthing · 2023-04-20T18:38:22+00:00

My ex stated on more than one occasion that he would put me in a burka if he could. Very jealous, insecure, and controlling.

My husband is the complete opposite, and tbf probably in the minority of men on this. He actually wants me to wear more revealing clothing in public, to show me off, etc. He can still be somewhat manipulative/pushy about getting me to wear sexier clothing I’m not as comfortable in though the tone and my reactions are obviously different.

Here’s where I think the rub comes from: aside from monogamy, controlling what one puts on their body and how they present their body is probably the clearest indication of ownership over their partner’s body. Whether it’s born of insecurity or pride, excessively showing off or concealing a woman’s body are just two sides of the same coin. I feel the same about the modesty debate. Whether youre putting more clothes on or taking them off, both are in response to what men want to see on women’s bodies, so whatever you decide there’s really no escaping it.

Disclaimer: All sorts of small concessions and persuasions are to be expected in LTR’s (i.e. please look nice for the visit with my parents, I like it when you wear that color, I think you need a haircut, your hair looks nice that way, etc.)

Flightlessbirbz · 2023-04-20T17:27:47+00:00

Don’t date someone who wears revealing clothes if you don’t want someone who wears revealing clothes. Asking your partner to change something that was obvious when you first started dating is always icky to me.

Now if it’s something they have recently started doing differently, then that’s a bit different. For example, when I first met my boyfriend I wore sort of revealing outfits, like nothing out of the ordinary but what’s typical for a woman in her 20s who isn’t particularly modest. Then over time I started covering up more for various reasons, I started to find I was more comfortable being covered up and more “invisible” in public. He prefers the more revealing outfits and has expressed that (but never pushes). So I sometimes wear more sexy stuff around him especially for dates and such because I know he likes it, and go with my own preference for work, errands, etc.

So I’d say if your partner used to dress modestly and the revealing clothes are new, you have a right to say how you feel. But I still wouldn’t be too insistent about it, because ultimately, it’s her choice and you will come off insecure and controlling if you make it too big of a deal. There are reasons someone might want to wear something revealing that have nothing to do with a desire to cheat. Like maybe she lost weight and wants to wear cute stuff she didn’t feel comfortable in before.

grown_folks_talkin · 2023-04-20T18:17:54+00:00

If someone is posting thirst traps, don’t go in wanting to change that. Also the opposite, if somebody is private on social media don’t demand to be plastered all over their pages.

mrcs84usn · 2023-04-20T18:20:24+00:00

It’s probably easier to find a woman that doesn’t carry herself in a way that is signaling that she’s single.

Part of being in a relationship is doing things within reason that would put your partner’s mind at ease. For instance, I wouldn’t go to places that are hotbeds for mingling without at least inviting my partner along.

The “strong independent” women these days have pretty much zero interest in catering to men. Even the ones that have whole sugar daddies still act like they’re single. Trying to establish some kind of boundaries is going to get you labeled as a controlling asshole.

If her mindset isn’t aligned with yours from the beginning, she’s not for you.

statsfodder · 2023-04-20T20:34:56+00:00

Depends on the gender.

Boundaries are perfectly OK for empowered women.

Men are insecure and controlling.

PhysicallyLethal · 2023-04-20T20:41:30+00:00

I guess some people will get into relationships and do whatever tf they want regardless. If I cant even make a suggestion in a relationship typically built on compromises from both sides, it probably won't work. I see thirst traps as single behavior, as if they're casting bait to fish. Once they're taken, they already caught a fish, so they should go home and eat now. Come back the next day(end of relationship) and fish again. Who they 'were' when I met them isn't who they 'are' now, in the relationship. They were single, and there's no expectation of exclusivity to anyone. Now, they aren't, so there is.

thetruthishere_ · 2023-04-21T01:38:21+00:00

Lets date someone with behavior I dont like, them try to make them change for me instead of dating one that doest have those behaviors so its a non issue.

Your boundaries are dating someone that doesn't post thirst traps yet you go on to date some that does.

Did you think before you posted?

KayRay1994 · 2023-04-20T17:57:56+00:00

Well…. neither are “boundaries” - as a boundary has to do with internal limits, asking to wear less revealing clothing is less about internal limits and more about external presentation. How another’s clothing makes you feel isn’t a boundary, since you’re expecting them to present in accordance to your limits - so that’s controlling by definition. Very similar concept for thirst traps, though there is an admittedly higher cause for discomfort depending on her end goal with these pics - like is it simply looking hot because that’s a part of her job or how that’s how she likes to be perceived vs if she wants active and constant attention from men.

Now, it isn’t inherently controlling to simply ask and discuss these things, but i think it can become controlling if by the end y’all talk and she isn’t persuaded, you keep trying to push the issue, introduce ultimatums, make a fuss about it, etc - now, if you don’t like the way she dresses or what she posts online, and if it’s such a deep personal issue for you - break things off. Will you be judged for it? yes. Will you be seen as insecure for it? 100% - but frankly at least that way y’all won’t be getting in the way of each other’s wants and lifestyles sooooo

Then again, and here comes the bigger question - if you don’t like women who do either of these things, why even date a woman who does either of those to begin with? Wouldn’t it be easier and better for everyone to just….. not date her

Athlete9000 · 2023-04-20T19:14:54+00:00

Wearing revealing clothing in a relationship is no different from wearing revealing clothing outside of the relationship, in that this behaviour generates attention from men regardless. The effect is you are sexually advertising yourself. Signalling is important. Women often have the advantage of not having to be clear with their actions and intentions, which gives them plausible deniability -- which I think is a huge advantage -- and the ability to feign ignorance for many things.

Because you can't read their minds, you don't truly know their intentions. They can play off the dress style as 'doing it for themselves', but they are still engaging in the passive behaviour that they were when they were available in the sexual marketplace (or whatever terminology you want to use).

Sure, in some situations it could fall under being controlling, but people like to jump to this word first and then build some mental image of an abusive man beating the crap out of the woman. How about seeing it as an obligation to your partner, which goes both ways. If your first instinct is to fight, why are you even in the relationship? Why be in a union when you're trying to play solo?

Let's say it's simply the man being 'insecure'. Since when did that mean what they say could just be dismissed? I thought it was a good, normal thing to at least consider your partner's concerns, or compromise out of love for them?

On the argument of 'don't expect change if that's how you met them', I guess it's okay for me to keep advancing my sexual prospects with women too (e.g., flirting) because that's how you met me. Flirting/initiating with you was how I got you. You looking attractive/sexy to me was how you got me.

Perfect-Resist5478 · 2023-04-20T17:22:00+00:00

It’s both. By definition imposing your boundaries on someone IS controlling. But I think it’s important to allow your partner to be the person they were when you chose to date them. So if she’s posting thirst traps when you started dating, you knew who she was when you got involved. Asking her to change after the fact is shitty

lolmastr13 · 2023-04-20T17:48:09+00:00

I think it’s unfair to demand they change from what they wore before you were together

dumbbitchcas · 2023-04-20T19:49:38+00:00

It’s controlling. It’s just clothes and that’s mad weird

UpbeatInsurance5358 · 2023-04-20T20:14:38+00:00

If you're attracted to someone by how they dress/act, don't get upset when they continue to act that way.

idkcjibkk · 2023-04-20T18:00:20+00:00

It'd be a boundry if you decided you wouldn't date women doing these. So you don't date them.

If you date a women wearing clothes that you don't like etc and you try to stop her, it's controlling.

shadowofdoubt13 · 2023-04-20T18:01:50+00:00

One woman’s “don’t tell me what to do”

Is another woman’s “yes my king. I’ll do anything for you”

That’s why I’m not afraid to lay down the law. If she’s the right one, she’ll follow you.

If she’s the wrong one, she’ll rebel.

HobbitShaker88 · 2023-04-20T17:24:17+00:00

It can be both. I need more context and to discover the reasoning and intentions of the person requesting the boundary to see if it is controlling. Usually if this is controlling its with other behaviors too...

JGoonSquad · 2023-04-20T18:05:37+00:00

Relationships are about compromise and working through issues together as a team. If your partner is dressing provocatively in public or on social media that would be a huge red flag. Why does your partner need constant attention and validation from strangers? It is true that clothing today is more revealing than it was in the past and many women dress like hussies but there are still stylish conservative options available. I personally don't think it's controlling behavior if a man wants his woman to not expose too much skin. He's just trying to protect his pair bond from other men who wish to be potential suitors for his partner.

No-You7911 · 2023-04-20T18:10:52+00:00

Personally, you can call it a boundary, a rule a guideline or an insecurity but in the end it is my preference and as such a deal breaker for the relationship, non negotiable.

If she feels the need to dress or act in ways I do not agree with, that's her decision, as such I don't have to accept it in a relationship partner. At that point how or what you decide to label it means nothing.

fakingandnotmakingit · 2023-04-20T21:38:22+00:00

Boundaries are about you. Controlling is making other people do what you want.

You can only control yourself and what you are willing to accept

If you are incompatible, break up

womandatory · 2023-04-20T23:23:38+00:00

I honestly think it’s really a contextual and social thing.

Women are often sexualized for things that aren’t inherently sexual. This is because society has become so pornified, it’s made everything sexual. I think that’s really unfair. An example is my teen daughter refusing to wear shorts to school because grown men make sexual comments to and about her when she does. So at a time in her life she should be carefree and able to wear clothes that are comfortable and suit the weather, she was wearing baggy sweats and oversized everything. Children have been sexualized by ‘barely legal’ porn to the point that teenage girls can’t escape it. That’s a huge problem and it’s not girls’ fault.

Women should be able to wear a bikini at the beach or on holiday without being sexualized. We should be able to wear workout clothes to the gym and a cafe afterwards, including tights and sports bras without being sexualized. We should be able to wear shorts and t-shirts when it’s hot, and not have to deal with unwanted sexual attention. Porn has made too many men think that women only exist to arouse them and that needs to stop.

Now, if you’re talking about wearing things that are out of context or inappropriate for the occasion, like bikini pics taken in sexual poses in your lounge room at wintertime for the express purpose of posting to Instagram to attract male followers, well that’s a different story. I wouldn’t do that, and if I was a man I wouldn’t date someone who did. If my attention isn’t enough for you, if you need the sexual attention of thousands of others, or if you give sexual attention to thousands of others, I think you probably shouldn’t be in a monogamous relationship, regardless of your sex/gender.

So I guess for me it’s about what’s appropriate under the circumstances. If you’re going out for dinner to a nice restaurant with friends, and she’s wearing tight jeans with slashes all the way up to her ass, six inch gold stilettos, and a white midrift top unbuttoned to reveal a black lacy push-up bra and her boobs are spilling out, fake eyelashes and a ton of makeup, especially when other women in the group are dressed in jeans and a t-shirt or a dress, I’d say that’s tacky and attention-seeking and I wouldn’t be dating her if I was a guy.

If you think that what she’s wearing is sexual simply because women aren’t allowed to look nice without men assuming they’re doing it to flaunt themselves to other men to attract sexual attention, then maybe take a look at why you think it’s sexual and ask yourself if it really is, or is it that your views have been so shaped by pornification that you simply can’t appreciate women for who they are, then that’s on you.

If you’re in a relationship with someone, surely how they dress is something that you’ve been aware of all along? I don’t think it’s reasonable at all to start dating a woman who dresses provocatively regularly, especially if it was one of the things that attracted you to her, and then tell her she has to change. She shouldn’t have to bin her whole wardrobe because you’re scared another man is going to look at her the way you did when you met.

Like most things, dating is where this stuff should be sorted out. Once you’re in a relationship, it’s too late. There are exceptions as to why things might change after you’re together, of course. Maybe she lost a lot of weight and wants to show it off, or maybe you move away from where her conservative family lives, but those kinds of things are a conversation. Something adults do when their relationship takes a change of direction.

It’s funny, I remember a roommate I had years ago who was a little overweight and she often wore really sexy outfits. When she lost weight, she dressed a lot more conservatively, not ‘church’ type conservative, but more ‘girl next door’ pretty. I asked her once why her style had changed. She said she always felt she had to dress a bit slutty to attract men, but when she lost weight she never felt the need anymore.

So maybe the way a woman dresses says something about her personality, her level of security, her upbringing, but maybe the way a woman dresses says more about men than it does about her.

fupadestroyer45 · 2023-04-20T23:38:20+00:00

The amount of narcissism and lack of maturity needed to believe this is controlling is why everyone is lonelier then ever as less people want to make the sacrifices necessary to create deep relationships. Respect your partner. It also doesn't matter if you wore it when single, you were single, this isn't hard. You change your behaviors to respect your partner while in a relationship and if you don't understand that you're not ready for a serious relationship.

zabrak200 · 2023-04-21T02:17:19+00:00

I think that ultimately it has nothing to do with your partner and 1000% to do with your insecurity.

My girlfriend posts beautiful photos of herself online. So what? Were both faithful and she has fun doing it. Im not threatened by her behavior because i trust her. Thats it.

Any kind of other discussion is pointless its that simple.

If you have issue with your partner posting provocative photos then simply don’t date people like that. But realize your limiting yourself from potentially wonderful people that feel beautiful and want to share it.

TurtleDickSlap · 2023-04-20T18:01:11+00:00

Women call it controlling because they hate accountability.

It isn't me saying that she can or can't do something. She's welcome to wear that outfit. She's welcome to go on girls nights out every weekend. She's welcome to hang out with her ex boyfriend and use recreational drugs. I'm not going to stop her.

What I am doing is letting her know that if she chooses that, she's also choosing not to be with me.

Actions have consequences.

BigVulvaEnergy · 2023-04-20T19:30:24+00:00

Controlling.

Icky control. Insecure control.

Makes me wonder what else they strive to control.

uglysaladisugly · 2023-04-20T19:56:17+00:00

A boundary is a limit to what someone is allowed to do with you or to you, or to what you'll accept to do. In short, it's about yourself.

Not accepting that someone does something with their life if they're sharing their life with you is not a boundary, it's a standard.

People should respect each other boundaries but no one is entitled to have their standards met.

JNRoberts42 · 2023-04-20T17:05:31+00:00

Doesn't it depend on whether or not her style and "thirst traps" caught his attention?

fupadestroyer45 · 2023-04-20T23:47:14+00:00

What gets more likes from guys on Instagram, a woman in sweater drinking coffee or that same woman in a small bikini or revealing dress? Let's be real. If you have bare minimum respect for your man, you won't try and gaslight him and call it "controlling".

SecondEldenLord · 2023-04-20T21:22:41+00:00

It is about boundaries. Let's be clear about one thing: people, especially women, wear revealing clothing ( when it's not even summer ) for attention, case on point, not because it's comfortable, not because it's too hot, but because it draws attention. If a woman still wears less clothing when she has a partner when she is not with that partner, then she seeks attention from another male, she seeks a better partner. That is not the type of wife you want to have as a man.

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AlmostKindaGreat · 2023-04-20T18:28:53+00:00

Probably controlling, especially with trying to control her everyday style.

But... it's a bit complicated, isn't it? While there are other reasons to dress provocatively and post thirst traps online, we all know this is a great way to attract a lot of romantic options, whether or not you want to act on it.

I suppose it's the same answer if a man loves to get dressed up and hit the bars and clubs with his buddies and go and flirt with women and pick them up. Then he meets a woman and they start a monogamous relationship. Then the guy still gets dressed up, goes out with his buddies, and encourages and relishes attention from other women.

Maybe he doesn't act on it. He has plausible deniability - he just likes going out with his buddies and looking good. Women are liking what they see, flirting, and he flirts back. But he always comes home to his girlfriend. Harmless... right?

Maybe it is harmless. But his girlfriend may at least wonder why he's doing this. It made sense when he was single to go out and attract and survey his options and even just get validation from other women. Why does he seek out this attention and validation now? Doesn't he have me?

This is all to say that there may be some reasonable assumptions that someone makes about their partner of altering behaviors after a relationship starts, particularly mate attraction behaviors. There is always plausible deniability, so there is always an excuse. But we all know someone could just be keeping their options open and/or seeking validation from others.

--

That said, if you just want my answer: I probably would not ever say anything about my girlfriend's everyday style. If I thought her actions reflected a lack of commitment or fidelity to me (flirting excessively or frequently seeking/loving male attention) I would probably just break it off. There is some level of provocativeness in clothing that is too much for me. In this case I would not start a relationship with this woman in the first place. Frequently posting thirst traps online (for some fuzzy definition of frequent) is at least a yellow flag to me, as it often reflects validation-seeking behavior that could cause problems in a relationship.

Zadacat · 2023-04-20T18:50:40+00:00

It depends on the situation, are you both in agreement? Then its good, its boundaries. Are you pushing it while the other party does not want it? Then its controlling

MiddleZealousideal89 · 2023-04-20T19:18:29+00:00

I think it's reasonable to expect your partner to be able to dress for the occasion. I wouldn't be okay with my husband showing up to dinner with my grandmother wearing a Speedo, but if we're at the beach, obviously it isn't a problem. I like Pleasers and wearing skimpy outfits at pole class, I wouldn't show up wearing that to the opera. If you're both adults, they probably know how to dress for different occasions and again, if they're an adult, they should be able to take pointers on how to improve without throwing a tantrum. I've known people who just didn't know you typically don't show up wearing board shorts and a semi-clean T-shirt to the theater. They were told it wasn't an appropriate look, they got the message and next time showed up wearing something else. Voicing a concern about whether their current look is appropriate for whatever you're doing is fine.

However, I don't think it's reasonable to expect someone to change for you because you have an issue with how they dress. You're screwing yourself over if you start dating someone who you think doesn't have an awareness of different social situations or just looks trashy (by your standards). It's fine if you don't want your partner wearing revealing outfits, I think a lot of it might come from insecurity, but you get to have whatever standard you want for a partner, it doesn't matter what I think. But if that person has always dressed this way and doesn't want to change that, your options are to either suck it up and accept that or break up with them because you feel this is something that is important to you.

And it goes both ways - if a dude is dressing like a hobo and doesn't want to change that, don't try to change him. He can dress however he wants if that makes him happy. You can put up with it or leave. I'm not a fan of trying to change people, change has to come from within and it's fine if they won't change for you. They don't have to and you don't have to change for them either.

dishonouronmycow · 2023-04-20T19:41:47+00:00

I don’t think you can ever ask someone to change something they don’t want to without it leading to resentment. I wouldn’t date a guy that wears exclusively gym clothes only to then turn around and tell him that he needs to wear suits or he’s crossing a boundary. It’s better to date someone that already has similar values and view points and then grow together from that. I say this as a woman that exclusively wears long dresses that cover me up as that’s what I feel most comfortable with, if a guy told me to start dressing sexily I wouldn’t be able to.

Bikerbats · 2023-04-20T19:44:11+00:00

Isn't this entirely dependent on culture and or subculture? You might not realize this OP, but there are entire subcultures that are wholly averse to prim and proper. I know, because I belong to one. Even broadening to cultures, there are entire cultures where modesty just isn't a thing.

Likewise, there are cultures and subcultures that worship at the alter of modesty. You could probably name most them on your own, so I won't bother.

Maybe, just maybe, these types aren't suited for each other, and mingling between the two is fraught with problems.

MortalWombat83 · 2023-04-20T19:47:32+00:00

Depends on the context. I'm friends with a guy at the gym and happen to work in the same building as his wife. I've noticed a pattern. She dresses like a nun 95% of the time but when we have visitors from our American superiors (korean/American company) or has a sales meeting booked with a certain company that we use she dresses like she belongs in the red light district in Amsterdam.. looks like a completely different woman. That's a red flag to me..I'd not be cool with it.

Thekurdishprince · 2023-04-20T19:58:50+00:00

She can do whatever she wants. She just has to know that certain behaviour will lead to me ending the relationship.

That is how you frame it ! Never tell her you cannot do X. You tell her the behaviour you expect from a girlfriend and if the person breaks them then there is no longer a relationship.

Don't listen to people on here it is irrelevant if she was doing X when you met her. She was sleeping with other men when you met her does that mean you have to accept her doing that in your relationship? No.

Never ask a woman for the relationship and let her bring it up once she does tell her what you expect from a girlfriend and things that are unacceptable to you. If she doesn't like them and start shouting controlling/misogynist/toxic then simply tell her it's fine we will keep it casual.

If she wants a relationship from YOU as a man she has to agree be okay with the things you find unacceptable otherwise it is a waste of your time.

Also make it always clear that the minute she breaks any of your expectation the relationship is OVER. Not we will talk about it and not we will break up but rather simply it is over the second she posted half naked on IG.

dora_dora_chim_chim · 2023-04-20T20:10:45+00:00

If that person was fond of wearing revealing clothes way before you even met them, and later if you are expecting them to cover up just because they are with you then it will be sort of controlling. Yes, you can express your feeling like you are not comfortable with this thing and these are your boundaries or you tell them why you don't like certain things that's absolutely fine. But if you are telling them that if they never change themselves or the behaviour then you will leave them sort of blackmailing. Then that would be the controlling way. Better off don't go for the relationship find someone who is as per your expectations.

dora_dora_chim_chim · 2023-04-20T20:10:52+00:00

If that person was fond of wearing revealing clothes way before you even met them, and later if you are expecting them to cover up just because they are with you then it will be sort of controlling. Yes, you can express your feeling like you are not comfortable with this thing and these are your boundaries or you tell them why you don't like certain things that's absolutely fine. But if you are telling them that if they never change themselves or the behaviour then you will leave them sort of blackmailing. Then that would be the controlling way. Better off don't go for the relationship find someone who is as per your expectations.

Silver_Switch_3109 · 2023-04-20T20:43:10+00:00

It is considered controlling when you start to tell them they can’t wear certain colours and other more small things.

Ohmaygahh · 2023-04-20T21:02:00+00:00

Asking your partner to wear less revealing clothes: controlling or boundaries?

It's a request. If she acquiesces, her desire to be in a relationship is worth more to her than the request. When a woman cares about your happiness and feelings towards her, there's little she won't do for you.

If she declines, that is your opportunity to smile and say " well, it was nice knowing you" and walk away.

DeepHouseDJ007 · 2023-04-20T21:02:45+00:00

It’s controlling and it’s ALWAYS going to backfire when you try to control what your partner does. They’re to resent you and end up lying to you or worse.

Everyone can do as they like. And if you’re not cool with something someone does then the only thing to do is move on and find a partner you don’t cash with.

RocinanteCoffee · 2023-04-20T22:09:55+00:00

Controlling.

Boundaries are what you set for yourself "I'm not comfortable when I wear revealing clothing".

They aren't something you set for other people on their own bodies.

Once you get into a relationship you can't just do whatever you want when you want and should respect your partners wishes if they're reasonable.

Aside from a label and exclusivity (if agreed to), nothing should change. You should not have to change yourself. The expectation that once you're regularly dating someone you should dress differently is absurd.

If they didn't like what you wear on nights out or day-to-day they shouldn't have dated you in the first place.

begayallday · 2023-04-20T22:13:16+00:00

I think that people are well within their rights to have boundaries, and I also think that people are well within their rights to refuse to alter their behavior to make their partner happy. I also think that if your partner was wearing revealing clothing and:or posting sexy pics before you started dating, it’s pretty fucked up to expect them to suddenly stop doing so simply because you want them to.

LoopyPro · 2023-04-20T22:36:55+00:00

It's a boundary. A partner wearing revealing clothing for sexual attention outside of your relationship is something you can have objections to.

Everyone is free to leave the relationship at any time. Calling objections "controlling" is nothing more than declining somebody's authority on their own boundaries. If they're not willing to respect boundaries, it means you're not compatible and the relationship is not going to work.

Mentathiel · 2023-04-20T22:49:05+00:00

I actually think it entirely depends on how you do it.

If you have a relationship talk when you're getting together and you say that you're monogamous and open up a discussion on what constitutes cheating for each of you and you mention revealing clothing and whatever, I think that's an appropriate context and way to disclose that boundary. She can then decide whether she's comfortable with that or not and whether she wants to promise you that kind of monogamy.

If you fail to have that conversation in a timely manner, that is kind of bad because you're letting her get attached under false pretenses (thinking you're alright with her making her own decisions) and then yanking the relationship she now cares about away from her if she doesn't comply. But you should still have the conversation, say that it makes you really uncomfortable and that it's kind of a deal-breaker for you. Better to say it earlier, but better late than never.

If you just enter a relationship and start commenting on her clothing being too revealing, calling her pictures thirst traps, being angry and entitled while talking about it, ordering her around, blackmailing her, claiming she's fishing for attention, shaming her when you see how she's dressed, etc. then that is controlling. You're just projecting your own values and beliefs and assuming her motivations and attacking and gaslighting her over the reason she does the thing that she does. You're not communicating your own boundary, you're interpreting her actions through your own lens and then shaming and objectifying her for them.

Also tbh if you don't want women to post thirst traps while you're dating them, you're probably better off dating women who don't post them in the first place. Not that there's anything wrong with getting together with someone who does and then communicating your boundary, you're just less likely to get your way.

Over_Noise3530 · 2023-04-20T22:53:03+00:00

It's now unreasonable because I know a lot of married women who dress like hoes so they're setting a precedence

Eastern-Action1384 · 2023-04-21T01:00:21+00:00

Everything is a boundary until you want to force it on others. Like you can tell your girlfriend you want her to wear less revealing clothes. She can say yes or no. You can break up with her or stay. But if she say no and you start physically threatening her to force to do so. That's controlling.

Hi_Iamlexi · 2023-04-21T01:30:58+00:00

Telling someone to change their behavior is controlling letting them know that modest attire is a value you prioritize and that if that’s not for them you’re incompatible is a boundary.

ohdiddly · 2023-04-21T01:53:40+00:00

For those who say it’s just a boundary: are you okay with your girl going to the beach in a bikini?

cromulent_weasel · 2023-04-21T02:13:07+00:00

I think the root issue is your jealousy. It's inside your head. So that is on you to manage and the extent to which you try to enforce the stuff inside your head on someone else, that is controlling.

That said, it's totally reasonable to have boundaries and for someone not to be compatible with you. But I have to ask, if they were doing this before you were together, how did you ever start a relationship with them?

Shouldn't you avoid relationships with incompatible people?

thekinkyhairbookworm · 2023-04-21T02:20:37+00:00

The issue I see a lot of people running into with this is that the woman were doing this beforehand ANYWAY. So you go on dates and get to know each other while she was dressing like this with seemingly no issue, then when you’re exclusive you say “hey you dress like this and I don’t like it, so you need to change “.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with a guy who wants a woman who is more modest. Kudos to you. Go out, find her, and date her. It’s stupid to do the opposite and then when she declines, you get mad. Not only did you waste your time, but hers as well. This all just boils down to dating someone who you share similar beliefs with.

OpiumTraitor · 2023-04-21T03:02:22+00:00

To me it's obviously a boundary. Once you get into a relationship you can't just do whatever you want when you want and should respect your partners wishes if they're reasonable.

In this hypothetical relationship, was the woman wearing revealing clothing before/during you dating her? Would it be reasonable for her to want you to change your appearance once you've entered a relationship together?

To me calling this controlling behavior is just a gaslight to suggest you're problematic for having boundaries.

Literally not the definition of gaslighting, so you're incorrect there.

To me it just shows that this person isn't mature enough for a relationship and is more looking for a safe and constant form of attention while still playing the field at the expense of their partner. Not playing the field in the sense of physical cheating necessarily but emotional cheating.

Holy projection Batman. Yes some women like the admiration that comes with revealing clothing, but amounting that to emotional cheating is laughable.

If this post was about your girl dressing more revealingly after you got together, maybe a talk could happen. But if you became interested in this person because of their appearance and then want to control that after the fact, don't be surprised if you end up single again

Key_Injury_9885 · 2023-04-21T04:39:58+00:00

Find someone compatible I'd say. I think the most important thing is talking and listening to your partner you guys convey your feelings and someone has to budge. I would also say if you have too much and one area then you should expect your partner to budge in another area if your partner only expects you to budge and never wants to budge on your behalf and at that point you might want to take a very serious look at your relationship and figure out whether or not it is what you want

TheOrangeGhost · 2023-04-21T06:46:37+00:00

It really depends on the settings and how inappropriate the outfit is obviously. It could be controlling or it could be just asking for normal behavior. How a person brings it up also makes a huge difference. Basically it's all in the context.

Cupcakelover1985 · 2023-04-21T07:48:17+00:00

It depends on how you met them. If they were that way before you started dating it’s controlling. If they dressed modestly before you started dating and then switched up they’re boundaries.

A similar example. Gaming. If you met a guy that spends 16 out of 24 hours gaming then asked him to change that’s controlling. You knew who he was when you met.

If he didn’t game or only gamed 2-3 hours a day at first then switched. Asking him to stop or cut down would be a boundary.

SootyBlueGlass · 2023-04-21T08:48:52+00:00

Top comments already said it. Shouldn't be with someone in first place if you're that incompatible

Azihayya · 2023-04-21T09:10:14+00:00

Just so everyone here understands this: Having boundaries doesn't mean telling your partner what to do. Having boundaries is about taking personal accountability; if you're willing to set a boundary then you have to be willing to enforce it. What that means is, if you set a boundary and say, "Hey, if you're going to dress like that then I'm not going to renew our lease together. I'm going to start taking steps to separate." Another example of the kinds of boundaries you can set would be, "If you cheat on me and you don't tell me, and I find out, then we're separating. But if you're honest with me I'm going to ask you to go to marriage counseling with me." You can't just be a controlling person and say that those are your boundaries--you have to be willing to give something up in order to maintain your boundaries. If you're not willing to give up your relationship, then you're best not setting boundaries.

BasilTechnical6693 · 2023-04-21T10:30:36+00:00

If a partner told me what I could and couldn’t post I’d break up with them. Case closed. I live in Texas and it’s hot. I’m wearing booty shorts and a tank. If my partner isn’t okay with that I would leave without hesitation. I couldn’t handle dating somebody so insecure.

gate18 · 2023-04-21T11:00:49+00:00

Many women say it's controlling and the sign of an insecure man while many men say it's establishing boundaries.

I think you (man or woman) can and should break up with your partner for any reason you want. However, that's your problem!. I agree that it's a sign of insecurity but that's ok. It's your problem not your partner's problem. They can dress however they like, if people that dress, say, in blue, aren't your type, do not date them. If you date them believing they do not dress in blue, then you just break up with them: "I'm sorry but blue is the worse color ever, I know is your favourite hence this is not going to work"

The fact that you think "revealing clothing" is more problematic than blue clothing it's your problem, it's not her problem. If she shared your view she would not wear "revealing clothing"

Once you get into a relationship you can't just do whatever you want when you want and should respect your partners wishes if they're reasonable.

Clearly, if you think not wearing the color blue is a stupid demand that you will not think it reasonable. Same with "revealing clothing".

To me it just shows that this person isn't mature enough for a relationship

Hence they aren't for you. Which is 100% fine. We should not go out with people we judge as immature. If you want this to be a universal statement, it will never be no matter how much you click your heels. Hence break up. She will find plenty like-minded men that don't think "revealing clothing" is an issue.

Epiphanic_Eros · 2023-04-21T16:17:46+00:00

I LOVE when my wife goes out in revealing clothes. Obviously, it's most fun when we're together, but I even enjoy her going out on her own in very slutty clothes (to the extent I believe she'll be safe, of course). Over the time of our marriage, we've gotten to the point where she almost never wears panties while with me, and typically wears hot-pants or mini-skirts. Such a joy.

If you want to have a boundary that says your girlfriend can't wear revealing clothes, then enforcement of that boundary is usually you leaving them to find someone who will conform with your norms and boundaries better. But don't come complaining about your dead bedroom when you've been working to slowly kill it for years.

Bobby_Sunday96 · 2023-04-21T19:25:04+00:00

I don’t think it’s black or white. It’s a little bit of both. If you didn’t like how she was dressing why date in the first place. Also, you should respect your partners if they are important in your life. Paradox

DisasterPeace7 · 2023-04-21T20:16:54+00:00

Boundaries, now if you meet a girl and she posts all kinds of thirst traps online and goes out in revealing clothing I think you're a damn fool to try and change that and you're willingly getting yourself into a shit* ton of red flags, but nonetheless that is your boundary for a relationship, if the person doesn't want to abide by that, leave the relationship, it's not that complicated

Ohms2North · 2023-04-21T23:10:48+00:00

“You can wear what you want but my wife would wear something less revealing”

Dstar538888 · 2023-04-22T00:59:40+00:00

Pretty sure the revealing clothes is what attracted you to her in the first place otherwise you would have just ignored her🌝 if you really had a problem with her doing that, then you would just go date a more conservatively dressed woman, but most of you men probably don’t even notice those women🌝 have some more self awareness on why the less conservative girl caught your attention compared to the conservative girl… I feel like a lot men SAY they want a conservative girl, but they’re actions and the type of girls some men actually choose to pursue say the opposite🌝

Swizzy6t9 · 2023-05-10T19:12:58+00:00

can we talk about the fact that clothing on women’s bodies has been equated to, cheating, attention seeking, slutty, not putting your boyfriend first, putting out, etc. they’re fabric we put on our bodies, some of them don’t cover every inch of skin. A clevage or some midriff isn’t going to end the world, if you think about it, if you’re dating someone attractive people are already looking at them. if you date someone who wears revealing clothes people are already looking at them, on the flip side you can’t stop people from looking and you can’t change a person, you either move on and find someone who will dress how you’re comfortable or work on your own insecurities. women wearing revealing clothing isn’t cheating or putting out for other people, i’m a woman in a relationship and i don’t like when guys comment on me. just because i’m wearing something differently doesn’t mean im a candidate to be talked about sexually. In that sense im not putting out for anyone but myself, that can’t be considered me not caring about what my boyfriend thinks or wants. He knows i dress revealing and that i also don’t warrant the attention of other men, i like how things fit me and make me look. taking all that in can you really still say that wearing revealing clothing is slutty/attention seeking in every situation?

mylesaway2017 · 2023-05-21T19:51:45+00:00

Boundaries are things you set for yourself. You cannot set boundaries for other people. If you don't want a partner that dresses a certain way or doesn't post pics online then that's a boundary you set for yourself by not dating people who do that. "Setting boundaries" for other people is just trying to controll them.

Title	Asking your partner to wear less revealing clothes: controlling or boundaries?
Author	FutureBannedAccount2
Upvotes	62
Comments	475
Date	April 20, 2023 4:41 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/12t7cnj/asking_your_partner_to_wear_less_revealing/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/asking-your-partner-to-wear-less-revealing-clothes.1215098 https://theredarchive.com/post/1215098

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