Weekly FDS Chat, Check-In, Quick Questions Answered July 30 2020

2020-08-08T08:30:08+00:00

I've finished reading the FDS handbook, so I figured i'd go back on OLD to practice keeping my boundaries. Oh boy. When you weed out cheap men, unattractive men, aggressive-looking men, profiles where you can't even see the face of the dudes, men with children (I'm childfree and I intend to stay this way) and fuckboys.. There's not much left. At least convos will be much easier to handle this time around 😂 Men are clueless af, it baffles me. They really expect us to lower our expectations to the ground uh?

2020-08-08T05:35:26+00:00

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Gutterslutcunt · 2020-08-08T00:16:09+00:00

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saltedpretzel2 · 2020-08-07T23:56:02+00:00

It's been almost a week and I cant stop thinking about this situation.. i only just found this subreddit now, so yes I did break the rule of not being sexual before 3 months / exclusivity.I was seeing a guy for around 3 weeks, he was a total gentleman. Took me on dates ,pulled chairs out for me, opened doors, wanted to see me 2x a week, always drove to me, always asked me out , was always the first one to message me, always paid, was very sweet but not overly so, never tried to come back to my apartment etc. I saw no red flags on his social media or anything like that, no red flags in person.

I escalated things on date 3. After our date, Invite him to my place, he went down on me for over an hour, with nothing in return. Next time we went on a date, same thing. But this time, I decided to do the deed.... went to start giving him a handjob... and guys, it was the smallest penis I've ever felt. I dont think it was a micropenis, but it was very thin, especially at the top, and probably the length of my middle finger. I got awkward, and I stopped touching him, he couldnt keep it up anyway , I was afraid to offer him a condom as I honestly think it would have been too big. He got me off anyway with his mouth, again.. then we cuddled. I feel like a total bitch.

When he left, he asked me to see him again in a couple of days. I'm sure he could sense my lack of enthusiasm at this point, I still agreed though, I was willing to try and overlook this small (lol) issue as nothing else was amiss- then he cancelled on me. Continued to start a convo with me every day for a week, till I eventually asked him to hang out again (first time I initiated) and then he agreed but messaged me on the day, a few hours before our date to tell me he 'doesnt feel a spark'... he was very nice with the way he told me, tried to call me to say it, but I declined... he apologized profusely and said hes sorry if I feel like he has wasted my time

I said thanks for letting me know, but I dont see any reason for us to keep in touch. Told him that I was disappointed in his continued messaging and him waiting till a few hours before our date to tell me. I said goodbye, blocked him. But I think about it a lot. I cant help but feel really bad for this guy, and sure it could be that he was seeing someone else / truly didnt feel a spark or whatever... but the timing of it all, and how excited he seemed before that night, makes me feel like he most likely 'dumped' me due to insecurity about his small penis.

At least I didnt waste any extra time I guess.

didumakethetea · 2020-07-31T00:58:28+00:00

I've got a quick question: I've been getting on with an OLD guy over text, been talking a few days, no date request yet but he's out of the country atm (seeing family). I was on hinge and went on his profile and noticed he's changed a couple things, a picture and one of his question/answers. Idk when he did it but is this a red flag that he's not that into me? We haven't met or called or anything so I'm obviously not bothered by him talking to other people (I am talking to couple others myself) but idk. Haven't dated in a long time, not really au fait with OLD etiquette.

pm_me_your_sad_tales · 2020-08-07T23:37:27+00:00

I've screwed up majorly. I went to school (the equivalent of a community college I think) a couple of hours away from home some years ago, and got to know a really fun dude (I thought so at the time, at least). We had tonnes of shared interests, same kind of humor, same kind of values (at least he tricked me into thinking that at the time), lots of shared goals of what kind of life we want to live etc, so we hung out each and everyday and had so much fun together. That in itself should've been a red flag I guess, because he had a girlfriend when we met that he hardly ever hung out with.

We've been friends for 5 years, really good friends, and a couple of months go he asked me if I would ever consider being his girlfriend. I used to crush hard on this guy, so somehow I actually decided to move back there and go to school again in order to start dating him, because we were both pretty sure that we were each other's The One.

So we've been texting a lot all summer (hardly no phone calls because both of us hate it), and this dude has handed me a bouquet of red flags all summer which my dumb ass gracefully accepted. He's asked me to move in with him but then withdrew his offer after I had already terminated my apartment contract (I don't think this is correct English but I'm not a native speaker, sorry!) so I had to move in to an apartment I can barely afford 20 minutes away from school, and the bus pass is also very expensive which stresses me out a lot obviously, I used to live on my country's equivalent of welfare and I'll actually be more poor now than back then. He obviously doesn't give a shit, haven't apologized, and hasn't bothered to visit me even once even though I live only one mile away and he has a car... He says he has no time and then he sends me a snap when he's hanging out with his bros at the gym, he's not even working out he's just keeping them company...

I wish that was the worst of it, but the dude straight up told me that he's a porn addict and has actually been for FIFTEEN YEARS. No extreme stuff though, he told me, as if... But at this point (I had already invested so much time and money into this dumbass move and school I felt I couldn't back out) I just ignored that because I couldn't afford to let it affect me, after all he's The One right, so obviously he'll stop once I move and we'll start dating and live happily ever after?

And the red flags just kept on coming, I know now that he just wanted to test me and see how far I would be willing to lower my standards. This dude straight up told me that feminism is a joke, women already have all the rights they need, there's nothing wrong with incest as long as everyone involved has given their consent, trolling LVM on tinder etc is the worst thing a woman can ever do because it hurts the NiCe gUyS too, there's absolutely no problem with following accounts of hot girls on instagram because he's a dude and dudes likes nice butts amirite? And he's perfectly fine with never going back to school, or switching to a better job he actually likes, or go on vacation or just going out for a coffee or a walk, because all he wants to do is sit at his computer and drink Monster everyday and I should just accept that if I want to be with him because he shouldn't have to change just to be with me. He also told me like five minutes later that I should bleach my hair because he prefer blondes, this I just laughed at though because I thought he was just joking around...

Jesus I want to vomit just typing this stuff, what the hell was I thinking? I've been employing some FD strategies since I was a teenager, I've always been single because I've been spending all my energy on improving myself despite my shitty mental health screwing me over many times, I've rejected LVM instantly and without mercy because I'd rather be lonely than abused, but somehow I let this dipshit into my heart because I didn't see him as a man whatsover at the start, he was just a friend for ~2 years or so, so I didn't vet him at all.

So now I'm lying in my new bed (a congratulations-on-the-new-apartment-gift from my sister) in an apartment I can barely afford, 2 hours away from my family, thinking about a dude I know now after reading the handbook I'll never have a relationship with. I'm by no means perfect but I think I have the potential to actually be a HVW someday. This "friend" will always be a LVM because he doesn't even have the potential to level up someday, because he couldn't give less of a shit whether or not he's HV or not.

My plan right now is trying to find a cheaper apartment closer to school, finish my education, avoid this dude as much as possible and just focus on school, myself, my goals and my adorkable cats. I'll try to stop beating myself up over lowering my standards for the worst kind of guy, and focus on self care instead, building my confidence right back up. I'm glad I used to live here a couple of years ago, I still have many friends that lives here so I'm not at the mercy of this NVM at least! Most of them have visited me even though some of them live an hour away or so, which just reinforces how much this dude sucks lol. I cried so much when he didn't want me to move in with him anymore but now I'm just grateful I don't have to be his bangmaid! Sorry about my first post here being a rant, I've been lurking for some time now so I'll try to participate in a more positive way from now on. Thanks FDS, if I haven't found you and actually read through the handbook my life would've sucked so much more right now!

Pasdepromesses · 2020-08-07T20:02:55+00:00

Hi! I have a question about my flair. It was changed back today to Newbie. Is there a reason for the demotion? Very curious, haha!

doingbetter90 · 2020-08-07T19:59:09+00:00

I'm a 29 year old soon to be 30 year old virgin. It just hasn't happened for me yet. I've had flings here and there and have done oral before, but never actually had piv. It's due to a mixture of growing up in a conservative family, being in a small city with a terrible dating pool, and confidence issues in the past. A couple guys i've gone out with have actually ghosted me when they found out I was still a virgin. I'm not waiting till marriage or anything, but i'm wondering when would be the ideal time to tell a guy?

yehet420 · 2020-08-07T18:12:00+00:00

What do you do if you live kind of “out of the way”? Does it still make sense to ask the guy to pick you up or Uber you if all the stuff you do on dates is by their place?

I live in an inland suburb in South Florida and the new guy I’m talking to lives by the beach near Fort Lauderdale/Miami. My mom says “don’t keep driving out and ‘chasing’ him you look thirsty and desperate, make him come to you” (my mom has a more HVW mentality than me lol) not to mention my LVM ex always had me drive all the way to Miami (35+ min) to go see him and made excuses that “we only ever hang out at my house anyway and there’s nothing to do in your city” I just don’t know the best way to rebuttal this, I always just say I hate driving which is true lol 😆

(btw right now we’re just doing kind of outdoors dates not going to crowded indoor places in case ppl are wondering lol)

Trinityblue93 · 2020-07-31T00:52:46+00:00

This is for fun: to my FDS Queen that watch anime, whose are you anime husbands? And do you apply the handbook to them when picking them or do you do it after?

I know that some of us do watch anime so I'm curious!

trickletheory · 2020-08-07T16:31:30+00:00

Hey guys need your advice. What’s the best way to hint at the guy you’re dating that you like “just because” gifts? Doesn’t have to be big gifts, but it’s nice to feel special. All the guys I ever dated has never been that way but I see my friend’s boyfriend buying her nice things all the time. What’s the best way to hint without sounding like a gold digger? Is there a strategy to this?

HELP_MANBABIESGOTME · 2020-08-07T15:37:55+00:00

Fuck my life yall 😂

In filtering for someone thats not an asshole, doesn't push me for sex, likes to cuddle, loves kids,, and is respectful and sweet...

Iv ended up with an ASEXUAL man. I already started calling him my BF, we had exclusivity chat, etc before this reveal...

He just told me he almost never feels sexual desire. Doesn't watch porn/jerk off. Doesnt check people out. Loves to cuddle but not a ton beyond that except rarely. Feels romantic attraction strongly it just doesn't translate to sex. He didn't use the word asexual, i doubt he knows what that is as its not common term esp where i am, but thats what it sounded like to me. He was trying hard to describe to me properly

on surface all this is actually super great. Like a man not porn sick who totally respects women and isn't going to pester me about blowjobs and be led around by his dick constantly. I have no reason to believe he's lying about this because i actually did notice he never even tried to escalate beyond chaste kisses even when i went to his house and got weird when I kissed his neck. I thought he might just be a virgin at first by that and some other hints (which I was fine with)

I cant figure out if this is a deal breaker for me lmao. It should be, because I love (good, respectful) sex. I guess iv got a very sad conversation ahead of me where I figure out if hes willing to have sex at all just to please me or if hes repulsed. If not il have to cut this off

One of yall low libido ladies need to come get this man hes been a delight so far. He teaches highschool and is just super sweet and treated me like a queen in all my interactions thus far. I was starting to get excited to spend time with him.

Back to the fucking apps again I guess. Sucks that my problem is not sexual enough when thats usually the opposite..

throwaway631391220 · 2020-08-07T13:32:16+00:00

Hi I’ve rejoined with a throwaway handle because I need to discuss platonic friendships with men. Are they even possible? I’m so tired of accepting some dude as a friend only to have him gaslight next and get nasty when he realizes I’m not going to fuck him

So do I just stop accepting male friendships and if so, how? Ignore all men?? Be a “bitch”?? Or do I only accept friendship from men I find attractive?

It’s such a mind fuck and idk what to do. I’m a nice person but I’m also a HVW (is that the correct term??) and I get so offended that these LvM I was being nice to think they have a chance with me!!

Wwyd

illusion_believe · 2020-08-07T12:21:12+00:00

I know men have a scarcity mindset when it comes to the women they can have sex with (this is why they have to try with many women).

But do you think that they also have a scarcity mindset when it comes to the woman they can love ?

I have a male friend and he’s still not over his break up of 3 years ago and tells me he can’t fall in love again. I don’t know what happened in the relationship but I’m sure he didn’t act right! He keeps on telling me “it’s when they leave you that you understand she was the one “ 🤔

2020-08-07T11:53:10+00:00

I am disappointed. Yet another man is revealed to only be nice to me when he wants sex. God, I’m so done with men. ☹️

Allaboutb1 · 2020-07-31T11:05:45+00:00

Just wanted to say I have been thinking back over my (very limited) dating experience from an FDS viewpoint and it is very, very helpful.

SunflowerinVirgo0903 · 2020-07-31T05:50:34+00:00

My ex has a court date for domestic violence charges coming up. He blames me and has never taken responsibility. Should I go to court or give a statement or let it go? I have been going back and forth about this. I also fear being subpoenaed. A part of me wants to let go and let God (and also never see him again b/c he scares me and other trauma bond reasons) but the other part of me knows he will blame me and everything else under the sun about the reasons why he acted out the way he did. I am just unsure what to do. Any opinion or anyone else who has been through it?

matzo_ball · 2020-07-31T11:08:43+00:00

I dumped my NVM two weeks ago because I found out he had been cheating with a transsexual prostitute for the last year.

Tuesday my mom called me and said I should consider giving him a second chance because it was only physical cheating 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️. Can't believe she had the audacity to suggest that.

Milobear27 · 2020-08-07T06:13:59+00:00

I accidentally gave instructions on how I want to be treated to a man 😫😫. It was just a sentence but even that no! At least I immediately recognized it

spiritswithout · 2020-07-31T04:22:49+00:00

I have trouble standing up for myself sometimes because of self doubt. However I did yesterday about something that's been bothering me. He is not a person that needs reassurance about things, but I am, so I told him he needs to consider that instead of thinking so many things go without saying. He immediately showed that he heard me by coming to give me a firm hug and say "I love you" and apologize.

OxkissyfrogxO · 2020-08-07T05:01:33+00:00

Does anyone else feel grossed out when you see someone with their hand wrapped around the back of someone else's neck? I see so many guys do it and I feel almost like he's leading a puppy around and not walking with his lover.

doingbetter90 · 2020-08-07T00:32:45+00:00

How would you feel about dating someone that never noticed you until you "glowed up?" The past year I've grown more into my looks, got fitter, learned how to do better makeup and my hair is now hip length. This guy whom I've seen around for years never noticed me and is now trying to pursue me. Would you guys give him a chance if you were in my shoes?

cellard00r18 · 2020-08-06T22:55:28+00:00

How do you guys feel about your partner talking to someone from their past? An ex or a hookup? I have a zero tolerance policy. Even if it’s a seemingly casual exchange. Like I would get real heated if that happened. My coworker made it like I’m crazy for being this intense about it. I break connections from anyone in my past especially once I get into a relationship I don’t chat with these people and I expect that of a partner. I don’t get the point , let them go.

daisy_0720 · 2020-08-06T06:39:47+00:00

Hello everyone -

I’m new and found this subreddit and read the handbook. My question is, how can I find out if a guy is addicted to porn before having sex?

I went to the loveafterporn subreddit and it seems that asking about porn usage, whether directly or indirectly, doesn’t really work. Besides snooping, what else can I do? I would prefer to not snoop. Another thing would be avoiding men who are avid users of Instagram or Reddit, and avoiding men who use Snapchat at all. But these are more to avoid trash behaviors as opposed to porn addicts.

The last guy I dated had a self admitted porn addiction but he didn’t tell me until I started questioning him about acting weird. I read a post on here a while back about how a man who knows he is LV will take himself out as trash if he’s dealing with a HVM. That’s exactly what happened. When he confessed, he already knew I was going to walk away. And I did.

But the weird thing was... sometime between the first and second date, I had this feeling he was addicted to porn. And that feeling didn’t go away, even after I brought up porn casually two separate times (he acted normal). Clearly something in my intuition was picking something up but it was based on nothing from what I could see.

I am even more freaked out to date now, I haven’t had that experience before and it’s yet another thing to be watching out for to add to my list. It’s so exhausting. The list is so long.

Disastrous_236 · 2020-08-06T05:36:58+00:00

I really wanna start reading romance novels, anyone have any good reccomendations??

mindbender111 · 2020-08-06T05:15:14+00:00

I don’t even know where to start. I’ve been with this guy for the past year and my life has been completely turned upside down with him. As a result of being involved with him, i have gotten pregnant by him, had an abortion, I have lost the place I live, my car has been totaled, I’ve been injured from this car accident (while he was driving), and now I’m searching for a new place to live. He can’t afford to contribute much to a shared living space so I’m left to foot most of the bills on getting a one bedroom apartment that we can share. I’m recovering from this injury, trying to continue working and all the while planning his birthday party last weekend. He then proceeds to take so much alcohol and drugs that he is worthless all weekend. He took so many pills that he couldn’t do anything for two days.

I can’t believe my life is so changed so much since just last year. I’ve lost so much over this relationship and I feel like my life is falling to pieces.

I guess this rant is to vent my recent experience and to share how choosing a LVM might affect your life. I just can’t believe I’ve let my incredible life slip away at the idea that this guy would “be the one” or become a part of my life. I’m feeling so depressed and need support. I need to start rebuilding my life. I know I need to leave him and I’m heartbroken. I don’t know what to do. Please send reinforcements 😢😔

vocabularylover · 2020-08-06T04:38:24+00:00

What is the FDS approach for texts after a date in a relationship? Since our very first date in May till now (one date per week) I have never texted him first afterwards (or ever in general). He has always sent a “it was nice seeing you” text after we had spent time together to which I also echo similar sentiments. He is also the one who initiates any conversation we have over text in between dates.

I’m just wondering if I need to sometimes also be the initiator of these post date texts/texts in general. I want him to know I like him and like spending time with him too, but I assume he should know this based on our interactions in person and my responsiveness over text.

19751975 · 2020-08-06T04:25:30+00:00

assault warning how do you move on dating after being raped?

dntbfllikeidid · 2020-08-06T04:19:39+00:00

I just invited a young woman from a terrible post on Relationship Advice about BDMS/sexual abuse and she replied back to me. She sounded hopeful and seems eager to get out of her abusive relationship. I’m happy, and will be even happier if she finally breaks free from that abusive prick she calls boyfriend (around 10 age gap BTW)

getwtoni · 2020-08-05T22:37:02+00:00

I was rly nervous on a first date because it’s been a while for me

What do I say or do to express interest now? I read the FDS rules and I was just in my head a lot reciting them during the date and trying to be mysterious

honeybeeroll · 2020-08-05T21:52:41+00:00

Just venting, ignore me lol: I have a really good friend who historically has had a bad habit of going after guys, rushing into things, rushing from one to the next guy. She finally took a break before quarantine and while she's been on apps, she's just been talking (restaurants are open but she wants to be careful) and it's given her time to get unimpressed by guys. Which I'm glad for, because I REALLY want her to meet a good guy, and we all know that doesn't happen when you rush into things.

Even so, she said she may ask one guy to meet up soon, even tho she's not impressed by him. She told me weeks ago she felt he's a bit chauvinistic. I asked her why bother? She figured why not, he's the best option. And I was like yeah but he's not even 100% what you want so why bother? And her response was about testing her options or whatever and I was like okay i guess, if you just want a fun date.

Then she added an aquaintance of mine on Instagram (shes never met him and I barely know the guy) a while ago, and was going to dm him mentioning she saw him on a dating app. But he removed her from his insta before she could. I'm thinking why are you even trying to slide into this random guy's DMs? I barely know the guy.

It frustrates me because she's smarter than this. She usually doesn't waste more than a few dates, or at most 2 months on a guy. Like she knows when they're acting up. Might take her a few weeks to be like "alright that's it I have to get rid of him" but she knows to. She doesn't overburden me with her guy problems, nor does she get annoyed when I give my opinion. A friend of hers said not to tell her about a guy unless he lasts longer than a season, and I've echoed the sentiment, and she takes it in stride because she knows they don't last long. So, like, she's aware it's a pattern.

But I can't seem to get across to her that pursuing every single guy who shows the faintest interest in her is a bad idea. That pursuing guys period is a bad idea. That it's probably why these guys don't last a whole season ever, bc she jumped right into it w/o even evaluating if he was a good match.

I've never told her this point blank and idk, I don't know if it would really sink in because I know she has placed a lot of pressure on herself to get married, because she really wants kids. I did that for a long time too and also made very stupid decisions. And I know that she has to make the decision to remove the pressure herself. From my own experience I know others' words can help you get there, but it's mostly on you. Until you remove the pressure to get married, to have a man, whatever it is, you'll keep making the same mistakes.

She and I are both sort of in sales so maybe I can tell dating for women isn't supposed to be like sales lol , where you knock on as many doors as possible. We're supposed to be the prospect, making ourselves so attractive with potential that the salesMEN chase us tirelessly.

Like yes sometomes it can work differently, but honestly if you're a straight woman looking for a straight man who is wholesome, values family, and lives a mainstream life just like you, this is how it works 99% of the time.

Tl; dr: not that I'm any ruthless FDS queen but I wish my friend would realize pursuing guys and not vetting is a bad idea!

SorryNotSorry58 · 2020-08-05T20:25:18+00:00

I'M SO EXCITED! Been dating a lovely man for a few weeks and today we went shopping - he bought me three dresses and a lovely jacket. He would have bought me a bag, shoes and underwear if I'd have let him. I firmly suspect he's a HVM and I'm over the moon. I've applied loads of FDS and wouldn't have got so far (or accepted gifts) without this sub. Thanks, ladies! ♥️

spacecunny · 2020-07-31T14:06:58+00:00

I had been dating a guy exclusively, like a month or so ago. It ended with him telling me his ex (and baby momma) wants him back, and he needs time to think. I tell him I'm not going to wait for him, while he figures his shit out.

Lo and behold, to absolutely no one's surprise, he's back in my messages, telling me he was thinking about me, and just wanted to tell me that he's not back with his ex, and he has deleted his tinder (neither of us had deleted it back when we were dating).

I'm thinking, the absolute least he could do would be to tell me directly what he means by that, instead of obviously waiting for me to be like "so what does that meean". I just told him "oh, I didn't see that you weren't on tinder", and I'm not sure what he's expecting me to say to that.

I suppose this is more of a rant. I don't want babymamadrama (when she obviously wants him back), and I don't want to be anyone's second choice. He should have been sure about me from the get go.

illusion_believe · 2020-08-05T19:46:42+00:00

I don’t want to hear about dating anymore. I’m done watching videos on how to keep men interested. The one who watches videos on how to keep ME interested will find me

Btw, there is that dude I met on OLD last year. Nice guy but didn’t pay on the date and I was not attracted physically(he didn’t even offer to pay. We were having an ice cream). Didn’t hear from him after the date but he added me on IG 2 weeks later. I followed him back because I liked him as a friend. We like each other’s pics sometimes. It’s funny how I’m not offended at all when I’m not attracted to the man. But when i like him, i have so much expectations and so much ego. Would be nice if I could practice detachement with all men. Inner peace is the goal

PinqPrincess · 2020-08-05T19:46:37+00:00

I'M SO EXCITED! Been dating a lovely man for a few weeks and today we went shopping - he bought me three dresses and a lovely jacket. He would have bought me a bag, shoes and underwear if I'd have let him. I firmly suspect he's a HVM and I'm over the moon. I've applied loads of FDS and wouldn't have got so far (or accepted gifts) without this sub. Thanks, ladies! ♥️

cannedboelyn · 2020-08-05T19:26:12+00:00

PSA: I’m never telling a girl about her man doing shady stuff again.

Long story short, I told this girl her man was trying to talk to me while he was in a relationship. I messaged her on Facebook before(last year), recently a few days ago I messaged her, she tells me she is now engaged and & pregnant, and living with this guy who use to talk to me.

For the record SHE told me she was engaged, pregnant and living with him AFTER I told her that he asked me for nudes and asked me to come over AFTER he told me he is in a relationship.

I gave her exact dates, even gave her a description of his car and address. I’m assuming since I didn’t have screenshots she didn’t believe me. She said the timelines don’t match up and I was the one who brought out the worse in him. And that my story wasn’t credible because of messages I sent his friends in the past on FB

She doesn’t know me in real life. So yea screw that. Even if they are my friend I’m not going to say anything because I realize they’ll find a way to say it’s my fault. Then she changes her story and she tells me she wasn’t dating him around that time when at first she was just saying the timeline doesn’t match

cannedboelyn · 2020-08-05T18:50:25+00:00

[deleted]

2020-08-05T02:31:12+00:00

Decided to put dating on the back-burner for now, both due to COVID-19 and due to an important exam coming up in November, and WOW I'm feeling so great right now. I cut things off with the two people I was seeing and I feel a huge sense of relief. In fact, I was able to discontinue my SNRI and don't even feel any depressive symptoms.

It makes me think of how happy and at peace I was before I started dating (I was a late bloomer). Honestly, if it weren't for the consistent sex part of dating, I would never even try to date again. This damn sex drive keeps pushing me out there again and again :/ Which sucks because most of the time with these guys it doesn't even get to sex before I have to cut things off.

Are men even really worth it? My skin has cleared up - even my hair looks shinier and fuller! super weird.

Partypuppers · 2020-08-05T01:01:12+00:00

Ladies, what sort of questions do you ask your dates during the virtual pre-date interview?

What are some good questions?

smallishtree · 2020-08-05T00:32:24+00:00

Ladies— is this blocking material? (lol “if you have to ask..”)

Been talking to this guy from OLD, and he’s handsome, financially stable, has flirted an appropriate amount without being gross and I feel flattered. Had some really good, naturally flowing conversations and share the same values. He’s handsome.

He invites me on a date, makes his intentions clear and he appears genuine. Plans a thoughtful picnic where he brings the food, no alcohol, brings board games (something I mentioned I love.) The only thing is he asks me to meet him across town near his place. He says it’s because he’s working on call for the weekend and needs to be close to his computer in case something comes up.

Flag!! On our first date? I expressed clearly that I don’t want to share time/attention with his job on our date and would rather do it on a day where he can be fully present with me and at the very least meet me halfway. He insisted it would be fine, which irked me. I stated again I’m not interested in meeting him if work is going to take priority over me. I just sent that message and he hasn’t replied yet.

Hhjjuuy · 2020-08-04T21:43:57+00:00

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Partyavoider29 · 2020-08-04T21:27:31+00:00

Where might I find the thread that more or less explains the way FDS feels about polyamory (not rotational dating, but like, this couple is straight up married and the man insists he should have all his "needs" met as if they're non-negotiable when it's literally just about him, his penis, and lack of personal development, not food, water, oxygen, etc).

Summerisle7 · 2020-08-04T19:24:56+00:00

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smaller_ang · 2020-08-04T18:08:38+00:00

There's a guy from OLD that has wanted to talk to me INCESSANTLY and I made it clear we needed to talk in person, so we went on what he explicitly called a "date" last week. Well after the check came he wanted to split it, and I pointed out that he ordered more than me. He said he'd venmo me the difference and hasn't, which is great insight into his character. I've been ignoring him to focus on bigger and better things so he asked if everything was ok.

"I'm interviewing, because I need a job. To make money. So I can subsidize men's drinks."

I wanted to send a link to "No Scrubs" but he doesn't deserve good music. I'm done, but a little dismayed that every man I meet is looking for a free subscription to entertainment while offering nothing in return.

LittleBoBooBoo · 2020-08-04T17:55:58+00:00

How do you guys deal with loneliness? :(. I can barely even keep any friends around who don't end up walking all over me. No wonder I used to jump into relationships with LVM. I get so discouraged by realizing how little I am valued.

NoNarcs_ · 2020-08-04T17:34:01+00:00

HELP!

I’m on a lease agreement with my ex LVM who I went no contact with 3 weeks ago. Today I emailed him a copy of a lease amendment that removes me from the lease (because he’s explicitly stated that he has no problem breaking a lease, and if he does I will be financially responsible). I want no responsibility regarding the lease agreement because I no longer live there, so I need his signature on the form. However, he knows I’m no contact with him (because I’ve blocked him on everything except email), so he’s using the signature as leverage to get me to call him. He refuses to sign unless I call.

I don’t know what my next move should be. I want to be off the lease ASAP because I don’t want to be financially responsible if he breaks lease, so I need that signature. But I also don’t want to break no contact. I don’t want him to think I’ll negotiate with him. I haven’t responded to his email, I don’t know what to do, please help.

NoNarcs_ · 2020-08-04T17:24:15+00:00

Yeah, going on the third day of casually texting and he hasn’t made any indication of wanting to move forward from here....I’m thinking to just unmatched with him bc if he really wanted to date me he’d have no doubts about it by now

Partypuppers · 2020-08-04T13:36:30+00:00

Like some other ladies here, I've been applying FDS to my friendships too. I'm currently working on not initiating so much and matching other people's energies. Case in point, a guy friend of mine had not been doing much to maintain our friendship over lockdown, so I withdrew my own energy. The next time we spoke we exchanged pleasantries but I kept my cool distance. He asked me how I was doing, and then he, without prompting, said he had been quite busy (read: already excusing himself for being absent). So instead of reassuring him and saying 'ah that's ok' (read: I'm willing to put up with this), I said 'Me too. Glad you're well.' and left the conversation at that. He said something else but I left it on read.

Well, about two weeks later he's suddenly motivated to arrange a catch up call with me. He apologises profusely for not being there for me as a friend. He works for a company I use and says he's fighting my corner for something he thinks I should benefit from (literally risking his job to negotiate on my behalf, I didn't even ask him for anything). He says he's had a super long day (12hrs) but he wanted to make the time to call and catch up (they'll make time for you if they want to). We have a good call and he says he will contact me about an in person catch up soon. Usually I say something funny to continue the conversation via text but this time I decide not to be the joker, or make the effort. I won't be contacting him until I hear from him, since he made the offer of an in person catch up, and it falls on him to be the gentleman and follow through.

I'm finding out just how important boundaries are. It's amazing how much more I've achieved, and what's been offered to me by people who I've boundary checked (is that a phrase? It is now!) when they've done something to displease me. Suddenly they want to go over and beyond. I think most people are deeply uncomfortable with the idea of offending someone, especially if that someone says 'I see what you're doing, and I don't respect you for it.' You don't have to be rude, you can be polite, elegant and still be firm in your boundaries. If anything, acting with class makes them even more motivated to be better because they realise their social status is slipping into the negatives by the second.

Edit: Just wanted to update you ladies that today my friend and I had a really nice catch up. He followed through on his invitation to meet in person, planned the meetup and in fact travelled from over an hour away, from the other side of town, to where I live to see me as he knew I had reservations about travelling on public transport due to covid. We had a lovely time in the park chatting for hours. I made us both smoothies which we had as it was very warm. Then he walked me to my house to make sure I got home safely and I thanked him for making the time to come up. He said, 'No problem! You're my friend!' It feels so nice to be shown respect and value in a friendship.

pallta · 2020-08-04T12:18:49+00:00

I’m currently working on a farm using Workaway (you work about 25 hours / week for food and board). My gut has been giving me back vibes about the host, who’s a man in his 50s. I’m been here about a week and was planning to stay for another 1.5 weeks. Two girls are leaving soon and I don’t want to be alone with this man. I know he wouldn’t hurt me, but he’s recently made a comment about “how beautiful my eyes were” and a lot of the stories he tells me are extremely explicit. I feel like I have to be polite because I’m living in his house, but I’m just uncomfortable about the situation. I’m wondering if I should just give an excuse for leaving or just leave

unbaguetteable · 2020-08-04T05:03:28+00:00

I've been on a high working on myself by revamping my bedroom, office space, wardrobe (soon), and overall lifestyle. I didn't realize how poorly I treated myself by living with the bare minimum to get by. I DO deserve nice things like a good pillowcase, a supportive computer chair, and other necessities that I used to view as insignificant. I can afford it so what's stopping me? I'm not sure when but something in me switched. I was tired of randomly thinking about all the LVM in my past. I was fed up with being miserable. I still have lingering thoughts at times and would feel ashamed and angry but I also feel grateful for my present life. I feel like my quality of life is improving dramatically through the little things that are adding up and I can feel the shift in energy. It's been a while since I visited FDS but I'm very thankful to this day for finding a strong community of QUEENS. I'm eager for what the future has in store for me. I have goals in mind and am finding ways to turn my dreams into reality 😊 It's terrifying tbh but I'm ready. The flame inside has been relit. I am capable and deserving of the best. Speaking things into existence 🗣

hhgjj0 · 2020-08-04T04:15:28+00:00

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ohlizard · 2020-08-04T04:12:51+00:00

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Pulled_An_LBJ · 2020-08-04T02:08:11+00:00

I was reading a post about 'Good vibes only' and it hit home that there are a lot of terms I didn't realized signal that a guy wants something casual. What are your thoughts about someone who says 'Just open to new experiences.' This could be him saying he's just looking for sex or whatever, kind of a guessing game for the woman to find out. Also his what I am looking for is 'Don't know yet.'

AconiteBlackbird · 2020-08-04T00:43:29+00:00

I started to see this man in March as casual but it become something more, at least for me then he broke up with me and then a months ago he apologized and I gave him second chance. I know I shouldn't have :( Since then everything is very slow, but we had a fight 2 days ago, he accused me in rushing things, although it was about something he brought up in conversation first. He messaged me next morning asking if we good, I told him it is just miscommunication, and didn't hear from him since I feel like he maybe freaking out or re-evaluating everything, I'm hurt and scared. And a little tired of feeling like walking on minefield Im rereading what I wrote and see how obviously fucked up whole situation, I'm realizing that I should end it (although maybe he already ended it but didn't tell me yet) but those fking feelings :( He doesn't value or respect me. I need to find strength. Sorry for this rant(

peachpy54 · 2020-08-03T22:27:38+00:00

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thegypsybean · 2020-08-03T22:02:40+00:00

Using OLD to practice vetting, and one of them seems into me. He's asked me out on a date, but basically said "I'm excited to meet you! I'll see you Friday, have a good rest of your week!" I'm considering blocking him because based on what he said it seems like he has no intention of speaking to me till then, and I don't really care to entertain someone who doesn't want to at least keep in touch up until the date.

Maybe I'm being too relentless lol. What do you ladies think?

NoNarcs_ · 2020-08-03T22:02:04+00:00

Partypuppers · 2020-08-03T21:08:30+00:00

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blueb3rrii · 2020-08-03T20:36:18+00:00

So I feel like my jealousy makes me a low value woman. I’m seeing someone new who has done nothing to damage our developing trust or hurt me, but I feel jealous often. Like when I know he is at work in a hospital around women, I’m curious about who he talks to during the day, and I just feel suspicious for no reason.

I really don’t think this is one of those things where it is my instincts telling me something because I have always struggled with jealousy and controlling behaviors in relationships with loyal men.

I want to work on this because it hurts me and it hurts the relationships I’m in. Any advice?

HELP_MANBABIESGOTME · 2020-08-03T18:59:54+00:00

My best friend is probably now married to the lowest value man iv ever seen. He does jack shit for her. Is overweight. Doesnt have a steady job. Isnt even attractive. Dumb as a box of rocks. She cleans the house, cooks his meals, sucks his dick, works constantly, all for nothing.

Idk what happened to her. She always sought too much validation from men. I think he somehow convinced her hes the only one who will ever love her. And she just buys into it and thinks she's lucky to have him, when she would be 10x happier alone. Hes literally a leech and doesnt do SHIT for her ever. If he ever got money and what he wanted he would leave her in a heartbeat even tho she sacrificed so much to be with him.

Really this relationship playing out is what drove me to FDS. Im just so sad for women in America. How do people think this is what they deserve? How do men get away with it?

MonkeyMoney21 · 2020-08-03T17:50:46+00:00

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CoyoteaParty · 2020-08-03T16:50:45+00:00

Was talking to a guy and after we slept together he did the slow fade, cancelled our date on Saturday and then on Sunday didn't talk to me at all. I sent a message Sunday night that said I'm not interested in him anymore but I wish him the best. He wrote me this morning and said "his phone dropped in the toilet and so he just turned on his phone." First of all, he has an iphone 11 which is water resistant up to 3 meters. Anyways, I didn't respond and just blocked and deleted. I am so tired of men's lies and games. Thank you FDS for making me a smarter and more confident woman.

applestorm · 2020-07-31T05:42:13+00:00

Anyone else is low-key triggered when they're on a feminist sub and see a comment starting by "as a man"?

imacommunistyaidiot · 2020-07-31T04:55:05+00:00

vent

thinking how my ex treated me. he would casually make fun of my weight-what he didn’t know was that i lost 30 pounds before meeting him. and that he was making me more insecure.

i could tell he was insecure about his height bc he would say he’s 5’11 but in reality he was a couple inches taller than me, so maybe 5’7. i didn’t care bc that’s not something i care about. but since he was insecure, i wouldn’t wear heels bc i knew i would be the same height, if not taller than him in them.

it sucks bc he would hurt me ever so casually but i would go out of his way not to hurt him.

so just thinking and thanking this sub for making me realize that i should never ever belittle myself for a guy.

SimilarGift · 2020-08-03T15:48:13+00:00

So yall ladies know how we say "liking ____ is not a personality"? I totally agree with that statement, but how can I ensure that my personality, not just my hobbies, is shown on OLD profiles? (I've been off of OLD but thinking of making one again once the pandemic dies down 😐)

NoNarcs_ · 2020-08-03T14:57:38+00:00

Talked to this guy on hinge throughout the day yesterday, but last night at 10 pm he left me on read and it felt kinda shitty that he didn’t officially end the conversation with me or say goodnight. I’m assuming he just fell asleep which is fine, but I’m wondering if I’m being overly sensitive? Is this something you ladies would tolerate? Also, if he does get back to me, should I bring it up? If so, how?

ShondaGives · 2020-08-03T04:21:12+00:00

Ladies❤️..... my ex off and on of 15 years called me today....this was the man I just knew I wanted to marry, have kids with..... he called me twice.... even with all his bullshit and red flags I wanted to be with him.... this the same man I constantly had to say words to his many female admirers....this man had me so stressed out.... losing weight, hair falling out, stressed my life out so much I developed bleeding ulcers behind him( and he never once came to visit me while I was hospitalized)..... I’m saying this to say that I can’t believe that this asshole had the audacity to call me after me finding out in 2014 he had gotten married to the ONE chick he swore he wasn’t dealing with.....( quick Google search and I found their wedding registry online).... he had been blocked officially since 2014..... but he would still try and call from different numbers( I pay for a Caller ID service through my cellphone provider as well as a blocking service).... this fool changed his number and called me today...I say all this to say...... QUEENS..... I did not call back, I blocked the new number.... how dare you interrupt my life now.... it was a struggle to finally get some PEACE..... I am HAPPY!!!!! Leave me alone, go back to your wife, girlfriend, and whatever other chicks you’re dealing with..... I’m GOOD!!!!! ( just needed to vent cause I was perplexed by seeing his name come up across my screen)

ThrowRA-NWI-Region · 2020-08-03T03:26:19+00:00

Guys, I’m in need of advice. I’ve volunteered at nursing homes for years as a teenager and I’ve basically done what an unpaid activity director does. I’ve started working as an assistant to the activity director and I’m considering doing this for my career, even though I’m on the pre-med route.

In my state, nursing home activity directors make around $47,000, and the cost of living in my state is very low (rent is around $500-$800 for a 1 bedroom apartment). As long as I don’t have children, this salary would be very comfortable.

I don’t feel like what I do is a job, it feels like a hobby. I also like learning stuff for PA school, but I don’t know if this is something that would make me as happy even though I would make more money. Pray for me and please offer me advice on what I should do.

smallishtree · 2020-08-03T00:10:39+00:00

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ContentRate · 2020-08-03T00:09:05+00:00

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buttercup_010 · 2020-08-02T23:16:14+00:00

I just want to express one more time how much I love this sub, how proud it makes me feel to be a woman, how much more it has made me appreciate other women, and how inspired I am by how the members of this sub encourage and support one another. Women are the most amazing people on this planet, and I am so glad that we are here looking out for and uplifting each other.

DunRuther · 2020-08-02T19:37:29+00:00

My boyfriend texted me earlier today and said I’d left something at his house and wanted to know if he could bring it. I told him sure, but I kept racking my mind trying to think of what it was I left.

He stopped by with a beautiful bouquet of flowers. I’m 33 years old and it’s the first time I’ve ever received a “thinking of you” bouquet just because (not a holiday or my birthday). Feeling really happy right now!

eveninghope · 2020-07-31T01:09:47+00:00

I now apply FDS to my male friendships. It's helping. I didn't even realize the amount of emotional labor I would put in, e.g. social coordination, initiating catching up, playing therapist, blah blah. I mean, there's some of this is any friendship but when it's like 90% me, no thanks.

Partypuppers · 2020-08-02T19:31:31+00:00

Ladies, I need advice. I've just taken up OLD. I know, a pandemic is a crap time to be dating but I'm bored 🤷 the guy I'm currently talking to has offered to take me on a boat ride in a nice town followed by drinks and dinner. Sounds lovely but the town is a bit far from me (2 hrs) so I've said no and that it'd be more feasible to do something closer to me (in the city). He then asked me if there was a place I wanted to visit. Is this him trying to gauge what I'm interested in, or trying to get me to suggest/ plan a date? I'm happy to suggest a boating lake closer to me, but would that be LV behaviour on my part? I don't want to plan the date. Perhaps I should say 'I'd be happy to do the boating and dinner that you suggested somewhere downtown, if there is a place you know?' I know there are places that are currently offering this in the city, but I want him to plan it.

This would also require maybe 40 minutes of travel for me. I know the FDS handbook says a man should travel for you. Would this amount of travel be ok given that if he accepted the suggestion, he would likely be travelling from much further away?

yegerska · 2020-08-02T18:50:52+00:00

How do you know when you’re ready to date again after a nasty breakup?

Summerisle7 · 2020-08-02T18:20:38+00:00

Another Sunday, another flood of pickmeisha posts on r/FDS.

READ. THE. HANDBOOK.

Sparkyboo99 · 2020-08-02T15:32:11+00:00

Thought of you ladies last night, while being at a wedding. A friend of mine met her HVM (for real, literally checks every box) through OLD. He's the sweetest, attention-giving, funny, smart, amazing looking, family driven, ambitious man I've ever seen. I'm really happy for her. When I think of how things went between them, she kept distance for a pretty long time - I'd say three months chatting online then met him irl and rewarded him with sex maybe after the 10th date.

Anyway, he's a nurse in the marine (army) so his closest friends are sailors as well. I was minding my own business on the dancefloor while I noticed one of them eyeing me. Like really eyeing me. I played it as very well aware but quite indifferent. Of course he went on with the subtle chase. The night went and we ended up dancing together on a Spanish /Caliente song. He led the dancing, behaved like a real gentleman and boy did he smell good. Well, turns out he's married and the father of 3 children.

Who the fuck would leave his wife alone with the kids for a friends' wedding night, only to chase another woman up until literally getting skin on skin? Well, a pretty LVM. I was sooo pissed at first, and then realized I got the best of the situation by getting some physical contact with no attachment, nor being the one actually tied up to this scrote.

Sailors are pretty fucking hot though. Was so tough to keep my classy attitude when they all took their shirts off, revealing muscles and tattoos. Uugh.

FluffandRainclouds · 2020-08-02T15:10:23+00:00

Random q for everyone: is this a good way to weed out LVM and below?

Imagine a man compliments you and you say "thanks, I agree!"

Obviously this will piss off LVM and NVM, but would you say that is FDS positive or kind of presumptous/cocky (like demanding to be taken out for dinner lol)?

smallishtree · 2020-08-02T15:06:25+00:00

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afrodeasyak · 2020-08-02T13:19:26+00:00

His famous last words were "sorry for wasting your time". First off I know you don't mean it at all and I've decided not to reply, even though I'd love to have the last word...silence speaks volumes. Blocked!

It's sad yet amusing how these boys expect to be taken seriously as men when they don't have enough of a backbone to say what they want or don't want. Tired of bad communication skills and lack of emotional intelligence. Then they get an attitude when you tell them that you're not game to have your time wasted and you know exactly what you want. LVM much.

I used to hate being grouped as difficult, aggressive and "unapproachable"...now I don't remotely care. Since I live in a dating desert, I'm looking forward to moving by the end of the year to somewhere better, where I can live a decent life and find a partner that values me and has similar desires out of a healthy marriage. Not gonna lie, it did hurt my ego, so I will focus on my healing.

nat890 · 2020-08-02T13:17:45+00:00

Has anyone on here actually found a legit HVM and married him? It just seems like the world is filled with LVM because they’re not taught or expected to be any different! Feeling like maybe the goal is simply unattainable and they don’t exist 😂

Skittleschild02 · 2020-08-02T01:55:49+00:00

Just reminder;

If a man doesn’t think your job isn’t important enough and starts acting childish because you don’t text him 20 times a day, drop his ass. Ain’t nobody got time to be a cling on. Make money, sis. We’re grown. Contact one of those 20 concubines you got on your Facebook profile, my guy.

popsiclefruitloop · 2020-08-02T01:08:22+00:00

Have any of you dealt with the men in your life, whether they be friends, cousins, family members, along with the people you date give unsolicited comments about your appearance?

My favorite pilates studio closed down last week due to COVID-19. I made a tribute post on my Instagram and used a photo that I took from January of me in a sports bra and my leggings. I had been working hard and have had great results from pilates, so it shows in that photo. I love using a mobile lightroom preset for all of my photos, but other than that, the photo wasn't edited. My cousin who is like a brother to me texted me a screenshot of the photo soon after and wrote "this looks really edited." I responded "you mean the preset?" and he replied "no, it just looks like you edited everything." I felt so weird given that this was a photo of my BODY and he was basically telling me it was edited. And he is my male cousin! He acts like a brother to everyone in the family and is always teasing my female cousins (his sisters) about FaceTune and editing apps, but I just found it so strange and uncalled for.

The next comment came today. I have been getting lip fillers (slowly building up my lips since May). I got them done again only three days ago. I put on a full face of makeup for the first time today and was feeling so good. I never thought I would get Botox or filler, but I am all about preventative measures and feeling my best possible. I love the look of my lips. I took a selfie and posted it on my story along with a photo on my feed. My best guy friend who I have known since I was a baby essentially texted me and said "did you get lip injections?". I said yes because he is my friend (only I have learned from FDS not to openly admit to the people we date, we don't have to disclose that information), and he wrote "well I don't like them, and that's all I'll say." Like... really?! I feel like there is so much stigma when it comes to dermal fillers and botox. It is such a personal choice. I truly thought I would never have cosmetic procedures done but here I am and I am loving it. It is such a bummer how men always talk about valuing "natural beauty" yet are out there following Insta models who have all of the cosmetic procedures done and may not realize what they are talking about.

As I mentioned, it is only day 3 with my lips and they will go down, but I LOVE them. I don't want the men in my life jumping down my throat with their opinions. I have been taking a full on dating break and plan to for the next year and a half, and following FDS principles. I am leveling up for myself. Doing these things for myself, not for a man. My confidence has improved but I still have a long way to go, and of course their comments made me sensitive.

I am curious about if any of you have undergone cosmetic procedures and have gotten unwarranted comments from men. And even in general, how do you handle random comments like this?

Loli_dot · 2020-08-02T00:40:19+00:00

I want to start transitioning from OLD to dating irl

FDSxMuffinVSrat · 2020-08-02T00:03:57+00:00

How do I get on the FDS discord? I'm really at a point where I could use some contact with like minded women so I don't backslide some of the progress.

k20_4 · 2020-08-01T23:25:47+00:00

Do we have any tips for avoiding men who we know are bad news/low value, but still can't help wanting? I know someone is bad, but I can't get myself to block him, and whenever he comes back into my life, I yearn for his attention and start to miss him, even if I hadn't thought about him before he reached out again.

lolumadbr0 · 2020-08-01T16:51:13+00:00

Had someone call me asking for a last min date I said sorry I can't I'm all booked up for my schedule this week.

Never doing last min dates. (Even if it's hours in advance)

miwamus · 2020-08-01T16:14:55+00:00

What is it with these old white men on dating sites? They send you a message. You delete it because you want nothing to do with a man that's over a decade older than you. They then keep looking at your profile over and over. They see that you're online. They see that you haven't bothered to look at their profile. They know you're not interested and yet they decide to send another message. You block them.

It's entitled. It's delusional. They've been feed a lie. They don't want to accept it even if it's in front of their eye because it's not wHAt tHEy wANt.

100907 · 2020-08-01T10:49:06+00:00

Is this just another excuse?

I met a guy online a couple of months ago. We hung out a few times but I was initiating the majority of it so I left it. The last thing was him saying a shitty excuse for being busy for 2+ weeks and me saying that I'm not wasting my time on someone whose ambivalent.

He just messaged me saying "sorry I've been depressed for the last few weeks". Inside I just want to reply that everyone is but that feels like a dick move. For the record I am medicated for my depression. Should I just not reply?

Elegant-Stop · 2020-08-01T08:06:33+00:00

Can you communicate your standards and when should you do so?

I expect a man to pay for all meals and activities together. I have zero need for a man’s financial support, but in my experience if a man is serious, he’ll put his money where his mouth is.

Unfortunately, this is not the norm nowadays so how early on can I communicate this standard to avoid wasting time?

judyfoody · 2020-08-01T06:06:19+00:00

I wish Reddit had the option to mute certain flairs. It's very helpful but all posts under flairs like Male Depravity can be triggering for me. I try to stick to positive/neutral posts from Strategy, FDS success, discussion, weekly threads, etc. Still love this sub tho!

dysdiadochokinesia_ · 2020-07-31T22:44:47+00:00

Went on a date and the dude was the epitome of a LVM. Met him via OLD.

He asked to meet at a restaurant at 7pm. I was running a little late after work and texted as soon as I realized I’d be late. Ended up getting there at 7:05pm. He responded to my text saying that I be late with ‘don’t worry I’ll see you soon.’ So I incorrectly assumed that he would be there waiting for me.

I end up getting there first, waiting for 25 minutes before he even shows up. He didn’t show up to a date that he planned until 730. I wanted to just get up and leave but 7:30pm was my cut off time he showed up right then so we ended up having a meal together.

When we still have to leave, he commented on how tall I was. We met via OLD and my profile says that I’m 5’8”. I distinctly remember his profile saying that he was 6’. I asked him how tall he was since he was making such a big deal about me being 5 foot eight and he was I am 510, I didn’t comment that he lied on his only dating profile I just decided this is yet another thing that is reaffirming my choice to never talk to this dude again.

How are all the dudes I meet like this? It feels like all my friends are married and happy. I see them, I go over to their houses, we hang out and they all seem to have great relationships. Like where the fuck did they find these dudes?

How am I just waiting through a sea of fuckboys. Where are all the HVM?

This is just a rant, mainly I’m annoyed that I spent one of my few nights off going on such a shitty date and having my time be wasted.

smallishtree · 2020-07-31T20:49:33+00:00

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NoisyBubbles · 2020-07-31T20:21:46+00:00

I had a really shitty fwb situation with this dude who was using me, and when I found FDS I told him to get lost. He still follows me on Instagram and I find myself posting stories that I want to to respond to, just so that I can ignore him. I'm so angry at myself for allowing him to treat me the way he did, and some part of me feels like having him reach out and then me not responding is a way to get back at him, to empower myself after he treated me so poorly. But I know I should just block and unfollow him. Idk what my problem is

smallishtree · 2020-07-31T19:41:08+00:00

I quit online dating apps a few months ago, haven't made any real effort to meet guys in my area or online in a while. I'm feeling kinda romantic these days, not sure why but I could use some companionship.

Questions--

(1) what's the best way to go about making a HV online dating profile?

(2) if someone keeps joining and deleting apps every three or four months, does it reflect badly on them? Might not even mess with it in that case since I've done that haha

(3) how do you guys cope with romantic desires and feelings? Usually I can cope just fine but right now I'm starting to crush on a single coworker who is way too old for me just because he's nice smh

90860008 · 2020-07-31T18:34:55+00:00

I have a male friend I’ve know for around 3 years. He’s always been nice but we hooked up twice. The hookups didn’t go too well from my end since I got uncomfortable at the thought of sleeping with a friend halfway through them but we have continue talking just as friends. He still texts me often and now says he wants to take me out on a date and would like to start a relationship with me (we haven’t hooked up since I last saw him in early October). He knows me on a personal level and has always been understanding and helped me out emotionally during rough times but I don’t know if I actually like him since I want to back off at times and ghost a bit (I think I may also be emotionally unavailable)

MakeURegret · 2020-07-31T17:57:35+00:00

This might sound dumb. But what is love? Is it really just extreme fondness of another human being?

I was sold the lie of unconditional love growing up. So I thought love was sticking through anything together thick or thin, no matter what. But now I don’t think that’s right. Everyone should have their standards and even if you love/loved someone you can’t tolerate disrespect.

But then what’s the point of saying “I love you”? I mean I guess it’s quicker than “I really really like you” or “I have an extreme fondness towards you.” But idk. What’s the point of love if it’s not unconditional? Bear in mind that I don’t think that love should be unconditional towards anyone (except for yourself) anymore.

Is love just attachment?

I just don’t understand - like then what’s the big deal with people a couple months into a relationship saying “I love you”?

Edit to add: I’m even confused about it with familial relationships. My parents would say they unconditionally loved me, but then didn’t support me when I disagreed with them on their value system.

apple_cores · 2020-07-31T17:40:25+00:00

So I’ve read a few comments saying you should never give/show your vulnerability, emotions, etc fully to a man. I wish I could find the post but was it was something like only show 10% when first dating, 30% during established relationship, and 65% during marriage. I don’t know if the numbers are correct and this may be in the handbook, which I will continue reading after finals.

I guess my question is why? I know it’s to protect ourselves in case of the man betraying us or using us. But what does that mean? Withholding affection? Withholding information?

BetterToBeLonely · 2020-07-31T17:39:05+00:00

I keep having sex dreams about my high school boyfriend. I haven't even spoken to him since college 22 years ago. It's so weird. I think since I'm trying to level up by finally doing all the things I planned to do at 22 before getting derailed by my STBXH, my subconconscious is just tapping into things from way back when or something. He was the only man who was really good to me so my mind must be trying to remind me of better times. IDK. And then yesterday an old friend actually posted an ancient pic on facebook of he and I. I really had to shake off a case of the memory lane what-it's after that. I was actually pretty FDS-y in that relationship so I wonder if that is why I received good treatment. Something to ponder.

Naturacat784 · 2020-07-31T14:23:36+00:00

I’ve been reading the other dating and relationship subs this past week and am legitimately traumatized by the amount of women in their 20s worried that they are an “asshole” for not continuing to support their boyfriends of 5+ years. I can’t believe how low these men have sunk and even worse is the women accepting it. I started this new account and am only joining this sub and maybe some cute animal pictures subs or something because seeing these other dating subs daily on my home page is too depressing.

What other subs do you all follow? Bonus points if they don’t make you want to give up on this world 😂

Cookie_Duchess · 2020-07-31T10:05:01+00:00

Does anyone else get put on edge when a HVM displays HV actions after a lifetime of getting poor treatment from LVMs? This guy who I've been seeing, he's so thoughtful, courteous, patient, and kind. He listens to me and remembers my favorite things. He once sent me a list of 18 things he loves about me totally out of the blue etc. Part of me is worried that this could be love bombing and he'll do a 180 after we get closer/have sex for the first time. But part of me thinks this is just how he is and it'll only continue to get better as time goes on.

Also, are large age gaps inherently bad? He is 50 and I'm 30. I typically date older because I can't relate to (pornsick) men my own age and older men have more of the resources that I like but this is definitely the largest gap for me. It doesn't bother me personally but I've seen some debate on the topic here before.

Title	Weekly FDS Chat, Check-In, Quick Questions Answered July 30 2020
Author	NecessaryCook
Upvotes	39
Comments	504
Date	July 31, 2020 12:41 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/i0xuj7/weekly_fds_chat_checkin_quick_questions_answered/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/weekly-fds-chat-check-in-quick-questions-answered.720238 https://theredarchive.com/post/720238

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