Why do men pursue women with traits or lifestyles they don’t approve of once they are in a relationship?

Muscletov · 2024-10-28T08:42:52+00:00

This isn't gendered at all. In fact, women choosing men with certain traits and hobbies, then trying to beat those out of them, is a pretty old stereotype. For example, a woman choosing a bad boy party animal and trying to turn him into a loyal, family-oriented provider. Or a woman dating a gamer guy/car guy/soccer guy/whatever and then shaming him for indulging in his hobbies.

Old rage comic about this phenomenon.

wtknight · 2024-10-28T00:57:53+00:00

why is it suddenly not ok just because we are together now?

It’s probably because men see it as an active attempt to attract other men who are not them.

Sure-Vermicelli4369 · 2024-10-27T18:27:05+00:00

I would never ask a woman to change. I just observe and react accordingly

Jake0024 · 2024-10-28T04:51:56+00:00

Same reason women do. It's kind of funny/refreshing to see this question, given how the trope is always about it being the other way around.

Nihi1986 · 2024-10-28T00:52:21+00:00

Because they pursue those women DESPITE those traits (scarcity, sex drive, sexual attraction...) and because those traits or lifestyles have always been considered traits and lifestyles that you get rid of once you enter a relationship.

Current woman I'm dating was going on a lot of Tinder dates before meeting me. Deleted the app when we started dating eventhough I didn't even suggest the idea. Did the same with other dating apps I didn't even know she had been using. Not to put her as the example, but that sounds very reasonable to me, honestly. It's what you do when you start taking someone seriously.

I do know a case where the woman, a female friend, kept using the app (to meet people, not to date) while in a relationship and the boyfriend was fine with that, surprisingly...and surprisingly she didn't cheat, but that's completely fucked up, exceptional (that it's working well for them, apparently) and a perfectly valid reason to dump her.

To be quite blunt here: if men stopped pursuing women with those traits/lifestyles, there wouldn't be almost any relationships, because the vast majority of women have had those traits/lifestyles, and those traits/lifestyles are acceptable and understandable when single to at least some degree.

OffTheRedSand · 2024-10-27T18:16:14+00:00

because they don't like this woman, they like the idea of her. but once they're actually in a relationship and she's not his fantasy he gets mad and confused why she can't stay the same way he pictured her in his head.

this isn't a gendered thing btw both men and women do this, it just may appear more in men since they try to mate guard much more than women.

dankmemezrus · 2024-10-27T19:01:00+00:00

There are so many women like this, and they’re much more visible, that sometimes it feels like there is no alternative for men.
This is single behaviour. Men are hoping that you’ll settle down and stop it if you are serious about your relationship with them.

PS. This should go both ways. No man in a serious relationship should be going to strip clubs/posting thirst trap selfies etc. either

Plazmatron44 · 2024-10-28T11:32:22+00:00

The same reason some women pursue the biker or the guitarist in a band and then tries to convince him to sell the bike to get a minivan and complain he spends too much time playing in the band instead of spending time with her. Some people feel the need to change and control their partner and often in such cases with women it's a shit test where if the guy gets rid of the bike and the guitar then he becomes boring and unattractive and she leaves him.

Never give up your hobbies to please your boyfriend or girlfriend, they won't respect you for it.

LovesGettingRandomPm · 2024-10-28T11:41:32+00:00

its not better to have none

M3taBuster · 2024-10-27T18:59:55+00:00

A lot of men probably feel like their only choice is to date women with degenerate lifestyles and try to change them because sooooo many women seem to live such lifestyles nowadays, and the few women who don't, tend to not put themselves out there, so it's impossible to meet them.

Livid-Log7463 · 2024-10-27T19:02:57+00:00

The vast majority of men don’t have the options to go for their type regardless of what that is, so as a result it makes sense that this dynamic would present itself more with men compared to women who have plenty of options to choose their exact preference.

Bouldershoulders12 · 2024-10-27T19:07:41+00:00

I find it funny how this question was for men but it’s flooded with women lmfao

APrinceOfScarlet · 2024-10-27T18:08:54+00:00

Honestly, this is actually a pretty good point. As much as I think women are out for their own pleasure and care about nothing else, men do constantly shoot themselves in the foot vis-a-vis their choice in who they decide to pursue relationships with. I don't quite understand why a guy would go seek out a girl who is known for partying, and then be surprised when she continues to want to party after they get in a relationship.

a_minty_fart · 2024-10-27T20:15:32+00:00

I would imagine that it's the same problem that women have:

We are pulled in by physical attraction, but we don't realize that it takes that and then some for a long term relationship.

Pair that with the fact that most people aren't self aware, then you have your answer and that isn't even factoring in the mask that people first put up to attract others in the first place

Eastoss · 2024-10-27T20:51:38+00:00

Why does my wife not want me to continue flirting with women online and wanting to fuck them? That's literally how we met and why we love each others. Why does she want to change the very thing that made her attracted to me? We don't even need to go up to flirting, just looking at women online annoys my wife despite it all started with me looking at her profile.

Must be a mystery.

And before you ask, yes posting selfies on instagram as a woman is pretty equivalent to men browsing women on instagram.

LowCreddit · 2024-10-28T19:28:09+00:00

It's okay to act single when you are single. It's not okay when you aren't. This doesn't seem difficult to understand.

LordShadows · 2024-10-27T19:20:04+00:00

I've experienced the same kind of things with women.

It's jealousy. The more atracted to you he is, the more paranoid he'll become.

It's unhealthy and shows insecurities.

AFuzzyMuffin · 2024-10-27T17:42:14+00:00

Because the idea is that the behavior you engage in is a representation of your freedom+signaling you are single+maturity at a stage in life. When you get a legitimate partner that is when you start considering transitioning to the next stage. You can still do some of the stuff from before but not as often essentially in theory

kvakerok_v2 · 2024-10-28T00:06:30+00:00

You're confusing being attracted to a potential mate with mate guarding. Men that don't want you to keep dressing the same way as before are simply either insecure in their relationship with you or are not interested in continuing to compete with other men for you. Interpret that however you like.

Manmoth69 · 2024-10-27T17:46:07+00:00

Yeah! It's like: When we first met, I was on Tinder. But now that we're in a committed relationship, you're expecting me not to be on Tinder all of a sudden? GTFO with that insecure, controlling, toxic masculinity.

The_Forgotten001 · 2024-10-28T09:09:52+00:00

Why would I ask you to stop advertising your single? (Posting selfies with "Revealing clothes")

Why would I ask you to not go out with your single friends who are encouraged to sleep around and place you in an environment where you're more likely to cheat?(doing shots and dancing with your friends without your partner).

it's perfectly okay to ask your partner to change behaviors that advertise being single. (Otherwise wedding rings wouldn't be a thing)

The Real question is why did you accept a relationship when you clearly only want to be a Friends with benefits if you still want to act single?

No-Rough-7390 · 2024-10-27T17:50:06+00:00

It’s almost like relationship behavior is supposed to be different than single behavior.

If women really desired these guys, they’d make the changes without any request. However, society is so degenerate that you have to be pretty straight forward about this stuff today.

Termodynamicslad · 2024-10-27T18:36:30+00:00

Because you're hot and he overlooked this in the dating phase. After he secured you, he is now trying to change you into a personality he would actually like.

This goes both ways tbh.

Commercial-Formal272 · 2024-10-28T13:21:25+00:00

For the same reason you take down the "for sale" sign after buying a house. Some behaviors and lifestyles are fine when you are unattached or when you are looking for someone and "advertising" yourself. Those same behaviors become concerning once you are committed to some, because they indicate that you are still searching for better or additional options.
Additionally, being promiscuous and sleeping around isn't cheating when you are single, but is once you are dating. The standard changes because the circumstance changes.

NockerJoe · 2024-10-27T18:29:51+00:00

Because the people who don't do that are invisible. The whole current dynamic basically boils down to the fact that if you go to a big enough club or party there will be girls clubbing or partying, and the ones who aren't are at home doing At Home Shit.

Wether or not this is fair is also kind of playing willfully ignorant at the actual point of it though. These aren't even new or controversial social conventions. Thats you doing stuff you know is going to put you around dudes who want to smash, which is how you also got into your current relationship in this scenario.

Regardless of your actual intentions if your hobbies involve looking attractive to and dancing with other people in dimly lit rooms of the exact same sort that have already resulted in you having sex with at least one person, its not unreasonable for someone in a monogamous relationship to feel a certain way about it.

IdiAminD · 2024-10-27T17:48:58+00:00

Single people live different lifestyles than coupled people - it is totally justified to expect that partner will spend time with you. If you wish to keep single lifestyle - stay single, it's that simple.

AntonioSLodico · 2024-10-27T18:54:30+00:00

"I can fix them"

r2k398 · 2024-10-27T20:23:58+00:00

I don’t think it’s any more complicated than some people want their significant other to not be as attractive to others when they are together. Some people don’t care because they have the confidence and self esteem to not worry about it. Some people don’t.

whatever8482 · 2024-10-28T00:14:23+00:00

Why do women accept relationships with men if they aren’t willing to act as actual decent girlfriends? Guys are not attracted to your lifestyle lmao. The same boring contempt you feel for gym bros is the same men feel for your clubbing lifestyle. They find you attractive and are probably drawn to your personality. They expect that if you agree to date them then you’ll behave respectfully and stop engaging in single behaviour. Too much of an ask? And yes I do the same thing when I get a girlfriend.

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OilJust4498 · 2024-10-27T20:34:49+00:00

I am sorry this is happening to you. For me personally I recognize beggars can't be choosers and, even if I didn't approve of your lifestyle or something you were doing to me I wouldn't ask you to change because, as I previously stated, beggars can't be choosers and if you knew what you were doing when you entered the relationship

shadowrangerfs · 2024-10-27T23:58:00+00:00

I think it depends on the activity. Some activities I'd classify as "single behavior". I think it's fair to say, "Don't do single things when you're in a relationship". I think there would be a lot of debate over what is and isn't a "single behavior".

balhaegu · 2024-10-28T01:00:20+00:00

Can you see yourself saying the same regarding marriage? "Why does he expect me to stop partying just because we are married?"

Or are you going to complain that he wasted 5 years of your life and didnt propose to you while you were still partying.

And women ask why men dont want to settle.

Maybe you should have a serious conversation with your bf.

What each expects out of the relationship.

Tell him you have no intention of settling down for marriage or have kids, so you will party as much as you want and be in a casual relationship.

Then he will get the memo.

Cool_Ranch_2511 · 2024-10-28T03:33:48+00:00

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This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact

IlIIlIIIlIl · 2024-10-28T04:06:41+00:00

Because we know that any woman can cheat without any effort with anyone, anywhere, at any time.

aerodynamicsofacow04 · 2024-10-28T07:12:41+00:00

When you're desperate for a relationship, you start getting rid of your filters.

This also applies to women. If you want to date someone who can be a good spouse or parent, date someone who exhibits those values from the start, not someone who doesn't.

Goonerlouie · 2024-10-28T12:35:49+00:00

Because boundaries appear when you date someone?

HighValueWomanBook · 2024-10-28T20:25:15+00:00

Why do men pursue women with traits or lifestyles they don’t approve of once they are in a relationship?

Because those men either A: don't realize you are a low value woman - aka a woman NOT striving for marriage aka a woman who doesn't value men. Or B: they are dumb enough to believe they can turn a hoe into a housewife.

why is it suddenly not ok just because we are together now?

See B.

Why are you dating me if who I was when we met bothers you so much?

See A.

Tell the men you are dating to read High Value Women Low Value Women. Or, at least, give them a copy of my book so they know to pump and dump.

izzzy12k · 2024-10-28T21:54:42+00:00

If when you met me, I was posting selfies on Instagram regularly and wearing flattering clothes when I went to dinner or the movies, why is it suddenly not ok just because we are together now?

To me, it seems like many people want to not let go of their single life... When they are no longer single.

There's tasteful and then there it is "I'm single, what's up?!" outfits and behavior.

I would say that the outfits generally isn't a huge thing, unless you are acting and posting as if you are still single. But if you are still in the DMs with guys thirsting after you.. Then that's a whole different conversation.

It's the same when women tell guys they need to clean up their social media followings.. and what not. Which is not an unreasonable ask, cause they should.

Again, it's changing certain aspects of your online presence, behavior, and activities once you are no longer available as a potential dating partner.

Artistic_Speech_1965 · 2024-10-29T07:11:54+00:00

Completly true. Some men follow their dick and think they can change someone. But to be honest men aren't attracted to a women because of her lifestyle. So it's generally looks

Fun_Push7168 · 2024-10-29T13:08:14+00:00

This goes both ways.

It comes from the general and actually very reasonable assumption that people have some behavioral changes when they're single vs partnered. Most people do.

The problem is whether those changes actually line up to expectations or not.

Im on dating apps when single, should she not expect I leave them?

I spend a lot of my free time hanging with the guys when I'm single, should she not expect I allot more of that time to her?

Hell Ill probably shy away from the tri annual gym progress posts as well.

Most of the expected changes are time allotment and attention seeking behaviors. Most reasonable people do change those behaviors. I don't go out seeking women's attention if im partnered and my friends all fully expect I won't be hanging out as much ( as is common knowledge about people pairing up)

Wattehfok · 2024-10-27T22:59:14+00:00

Yeah it’s kinda dumb. But this isn’t a gendered thing.

Many’s the woman that fell for the rowdy, hard-partying boy who then got pissy that he was always too hungover to go to brunch.

Tywinlol2 · 2024-10-27T17:55:58+00:00

Why is it not okay for a man to be on Tinder while he is in a committed, monogamous relationship, when it was perfectly okay when he was single? Why is it totally cool for him to openly flirt with other women when he is single but not when he is in relationship? Why is it okay for him to attend sex parties and sex workers when he is alone, but suddenly when he is in relationship he supposed to stop doing that? Why do you ladies expect us men to change when we get into relationship with you? Why do you want to us to stop trying to get other women to sleep with us when we in a relationship with you?/s

I read plenty of dumb posts here but this one competes for title of the dumbest.

Lift_and_Lurk · 2024-10-28T13:19:10+00:00

Because guys know the things that attracted them are the same things that will attract other dudes. And insecure guys think/obsess over losing their girl to someone better that might come along. It never crossed my mind, but you could hear see guys going on about it.

Source: dated a stripper. I never tried to get her out to stop but I heard the talk and saw other guys with other dancers all the time.

meisterkraus · 2024-10-27T17:48:45+00:00

The same reason a woman does the same thing.

catdog8020 · 2024-10-27T21:53:43+00:00

Because I was hoping you were going to mature to domestic life and not go to a bar for validation and an emotional affair?

Bro_with_passport · 2024-10-28T04:47:34+00:00

If too many women dress or act immodestly, there will be no respectable options for almost men. Eventually, some men will just resort to rehabbing a woman they deem “save-able.”

Kind of like in a housing market with little to no affordable turnover-key options, eventually your only viable option is to buy a rundown place and fix it up. The issue arises when such men realize that it’s not as simple as getting your partner to dress and pretend to be something they are not.

TL;DR: you can take a woman out of the streets, but you cannot take the streets out of the woman. But if there are too few good women to date, some men get desperate.

caption291 · 2024-10-28T00:33:01+00:00

Because context matters?

Acting as if you aren't in a relationship when you aren't in a relationship is fine. Acting as if you aren't in a relationship when you are in a relationship is not fine.

We can argue about wether dancing at the club is the human version of a courting ritual, but pretending you had no clue of the connection between sex and activities like that makes it pretty obvious you weren't arguing in good faith.

ShangoRaijin · 2024-10-27T21:52:34+00:00

No, they liked it but now they are with you and they don't want you advertising to other ppl.

Territorial nature I guess. I get it, you were posting bikini ass shots when he met you. Now he wants you to stop. Doesn't make sense to you

ConstanteConstipatie · 2024-10-27T23:46:07+00:00

Because posting certain pictures on Instagram is single behaviour. We would like girlfriends to behave luke a gf and not behave like she is single

eli_ashe · 2024-10-27T23:55:13+00:00

i can think of a few differing reasons, some of the more reasonable than others.

1) jealousy can be a thing.

2) being in a long term relationship entails differing expectations overall. dating is a thing, being in an ltr is a different thing. i dont think men or women really come to grips with that beforehand, and it can be surprising to people that what they want changes because the circumstances have changed.

3) boring 'people change' kind of stuff.

4) doing things as a couple becomes a bigger thing overall. so going out clubbing, shots with friends, etc... without your lover is very different than doing so prior to having a lover. i aint saying there no such thing as people doing things as individuals, separate from their lovers, etc... but the situation is actually different.

note too that doing those sorts of things is actually a means whereby people meet to hook up, find dates, etc... not that it has to be that, but it is something that such is done for, which feeds into '1'.

0kayz00mer · 2024-10-28T00:50:43+00:00

So you’d be okay with a guy continuing to hit on women because he did that when you met him?

Hot_Road3076 · 2024-10-28T04:49:48+00:00

Well, the flattering clothes and Instagram posts part seems pretty obvious. Whether it's right or wrong to want this is beside the point, but basically, he sees your flattering clothes and Instagram posts as advertisements to other men. He thought you were done advertising your hot body when he met you. Now that he's with you though, he doesn't want anyone else knowing he stumbled upon a booty gold mine. Being drunk leads to bad decisions in general. I wouldn't recommend it even just from a health standpoint. Both those things have a similar theme and that is you in some form of public forum advertising yourself to potential mates. He thought you were done advertising when you entered the monogamous relationship.

rustlerhuskyjeans · 2024-10-28T07:02:06+00:00

Wouldn't you be more considered if he didn't care? Women should want to change naturally, that's single party girl behavior.

Immediate_Wasabi_920 · 2024-10-27T18:23:21+00:00

So you want the attention of other men lusting over you on Instagram? Sound like a right slapper attitude. If you ain't gonna stop, then let him be with someone better than that.

Title	Why do men pursue women with traits or lifestyles they don’t approve of once they are in a relationship?
Author	WastedRadiance
Upvotes	164
Comments	458
Date	October 27, 2024 5:38 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1gdgi6x/why_do_men_pursue_women_with_traits_or_lifestyles/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/why-do-men-pursue-women-with-traits-or-lifestyles.1534010 https://theredarchive.com/post/1534010

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