Bachelor Party And Strip Clubs

Specific-Composer300 · 2021-10-18T20:10:30+00:00

At dinner when the groomsman asked if strippers were allowed and you immediately said no, how did your fiance react? Did he agree? Was he silent? Was the atmosphere awkward after that?

Also when making your decision please eliminate "sunken cost fallacy" thinking of how long you've been dating, how much time bad effort you've spent planning the wedding etc. Don't think about the past, think about your life going forward and if he will make you happy and be loyal in the future.

OrangeyPanda · 2021-10-18T20:26:40+00:00

Birds of a feather flock together. He was probably planning to do the same thing because it's "no big deal" and then he was upset that you think that would make him a bad person and husband.

If he was loyal then it wouldn't matter if the groomsman "surprised" him with a trip to the strip club, a HVM would say no thanks and draw his boundaries firmly.

ButterfliesHurricane · 2021-10-18T21:22:42+00:00

The guy purposely put himself in a situation to be at touching distance of naked girls paid to arouse him and the collective gaslighting has it that there is nothing wrong with it 🤷🏼‍♀️.

In your shoes, the fact that your fiancé wants to go or doesn’t mind going along would be all I need to know. You need to assess your own level of comfort but please do not buy the bs of: he only went along under peer pressure. If he goes, it’s because he wants to. You are lucky you already know they would be comfortable going behind your back and lying to your face and you still believe only a lap dance happened. Even that…. Why do people need sexual entertainment when they are in a committed relationship. Just that would put me off.

vaguelinen · 2021-10-18T20:04:30+00:00

You can’t be an amazing husband if you lie. If your fiancé thinks an amazing husband is allowed to lie, I’d always be wondering if he was lying to me no matter how amazing he was.

AnnualValuable7848 · 2021-10-18T20:12:04+00:00

Your concerns are extremely legitimate. Your fiancé got angry at you and defended this guy for LYING to his wife and still thinks he’s a good husband?? You just saw the mask slip. He thinks a good husband can still trounce his wife’s boundaries and as long as she doesn’t know, it’s nbd.

It also doesn’t sound like he’s too concerned about his groomsmen “surprising him” with a stripper. He’s laying down support for his excuses after the fact: it wasn’t his fault! Yeah there was a stripper but what could he do? Gee honey I didn’t WANT to get a lap dance but my friends made me! I didn’t pay for the happy ending, my friends did! It would be rude to turn down a gift!

“Nothing more than a lap dance” - that’s HUGE. That’s way beyond just GOING, which was already a violation of his wife’s boundaries. These men know they can get away with everything bc they have an established boys’ club who have shown they’re happy to lie to the wife to protect each other.

Sis… I’m so sorry I think you know what you need to do. This is why we can never stop vetting. I feel for you so much right now and am wishing you strength and resolve.

Villanelloh · 2021-10-18T22:01:55+00:00

any man who enjoys strippers and lapdances is a total sleaze. do not marry this NVM

onceuponasea · 2021-10-18T20:20:54+00:00

Oof. Sis. This ain’t looking good. Just remember: you are always always always no matter what the circumstance, allowed to change your mind.

hensbanex · 2021-10-18T21:18:11+00:00

he got mad not because you said that about the guy but because he was planning to do the same thing and found out you thought poorly of that. that’s why they asked you if you were ok with it - so they all knew which story to tell and what to keep secret. you don’t fully know this man and he has a LV circle. I would 100% expect him to go to a strip club and blame it on his friend - which is disrespectful to you and the commitment he promised. the wedding would be off for me. if you truly thought this was ok you wouldn’t have posted here. trust your intuition and suspend or call off the wedding.

WorkaholicParty · 2021-10-18T21:23:57+00:00

Strip clubs and just a lap dance, uh? OP no matter what...whatever they tell you is not the entire picture. This other guy has such little respect for his own wife, he has even less respect for you. If this is what they told you, they are hiding much worse.

The only reason this guy has such an amazing reputation as a husband is because he was a major sleazeball that surprised his friends and your fiance as well. Always be suspicious when men describe the bare minimum (as partners and fathers) as being amazing. All of this smells.

EDIT: what I mean by "major sleazeball that surprised his friends and your fiance" is that it's common for guys to praise their friends for being a good husband because they overcompensate their past. A guy who acted like a slut during his entire college experience but suddenly becomes monogamous and committed will be held by extremely low standards by his bros who see the bare minimum as "wow husband of the year". And a guy who hires lap dances (as a minimum) is guaranteed to be a major loser.

CurvyNerdMom86 · 2021-10-18T20:20:12+00:00

Starting off a marriage by disrespecting boundaries never gets better. If he wants that friend as a groomsmen, fine. Its his friend. If your fiance can't put his foot down with his friend and say absolutely no strippers, then he isn't willing to respect you. Do what makes you feel best about yourself.

proudpine · 2021-10-18T20:05:05+00:00

Holy red flags 🚩 Not only does he defend this guy, he got mad at you for pointing out his crappiness.

Personally I’d cancel the wedding now. It’ll be easier and cheaper than after he inevitably has strippers at his own bachelor party right before your wedding.

ItsInTheVault · 2021-10-18T23:24:40+00:00

“Nothing more than a lap dance happened”. So says the guys who lied?

seadragon6 · 2021-10-18T20:33:06+00:00

You know the answer if you posted about it sis.

notyimjustbrowsing · 2021-10-18T20:42:22+00:00

If this sub has taught me anything it's don't ignore a man when he is showing you his truth. Not only does he not keep good company but him and his friends' have their priorities confused. Who puts a night with strippers and possibly one night stands before their future partner's trust? That's a huge red flag and your fiance's reaction is an even bigger red flag. It's better to walk away from this now when you don't have much to walk away from.

Spittens · 2021-10-18T20:27:42+00:00

He showed you who he was and then he got angry because he knew you'd found him out. If he's okay with defending/keeping his bud's secret then I guarantee he's expecting this buddy to reciprocate for him.

AyemHerself · 2021-10-18T22:38:30+00:00

He knows there are strippers incoming. He's pushing the blame on his friends early so you won't give him consequences later.

You already know they disrespected one bride's request for no strippers. What makes you think they'll respect you?

If you marry this man, you're coming after a lap dance at best. Remember that.

mashibeans · 2021-10-18T20:52:46+00:00

He got angry AT YOU, and then defended the dude who disrespected and lied to his own wife?

You SURE you want to marry this LVM? There's still time to call it off.

onceuponasea · 2021-10-18T20:22:29+00:00

If he is okay with lying, then it shows you his values and standards.

KindredMaximus · 2021-10-18T22:19:30+00:00

Wow, Yes, I'd be feeling really wary of marrying a man with such disrespectful friends. Always look at the 4-5 closest people to someone and they'll tell you what kind of person they are. You don't get one ''good guy'' in a bunch of disrespectful arses. Birds of a feather flock together. I'd be tempted to postpone the wedding and take some time to really - with fresh eyes and a clearer head - assess more shrewdly who I'm about to marry. Also, if you haven't noticed this behaviour before in this group of guys - how have they been hiding it? You might want to re-assess other situations with fresh eyes as well, that you may have unwittingly turned a blind eye to or had explained away.
Of course my marriage was a disaster and my ex an LVM (married very young and quickly and repented at leisure).
However, My ex husband and I didn't have a brides or bucks party. We didn't see the point and I still don't. You aren't ''free'' at this stage of the relationship and why would you want to go and do such stupid things to ''celebrate'' you last night of ''freedom''?
We spent the night before our wedding, quietly together.
Take time and good luck.

ChgItToRayGunYouFuck · 2021-10-18T22:31:03+00:00

First of all, you are absolutely allowed to call off the wedding if you don't want to marry him for ANY reason.

If he is okay with his friend starting out his marriage with a LIE, then it shows that he would probably be comfortable with lying TO YOU as well.

He overtly told you that his friend did not respect his wife's boundaries... Think about what he might keep secret from you about his friends or his own behaviors.

nolongerhume · 2021-10-18T23:39:01+00:00

Sis...HVM don't go to strip clubs or hire strippers and they definitely don't condone other men who are OK with lying to their wives.

When men tell you who they are, BELIEVE THEM. He's shown you what to expect, so now the question is do you want to commit to this person?

JulyParade · 2021-10-18T23:47:04+00:00

I'd call up the wife and ask to have lunch to discuss it. I bet she doesn't think her husband is amazing.

SkiesEclipse · 2021-10-19T00:21:33+00:00

Hun, I had a LVM ex, and I remember when he went to a bachelor party for his best friend. I asked if there were going to be strippers, and he said “what, why? That’s weird as fuck. You’re going to celebrate your eternal love and devotion by having a random stripper rub up on you?”

He also said his friend explicitly warned people that he would leave on site if someone surprised him with a stripper, so he told me there was no way it was going to happen. Don’t get me wrong, they spent a lot of money on gambling and booze, but I 100% believed him when he said there were no strippers or sex. He was texting me photos constantly the whole weekend.

I guess I just say this to say, my ex was a LVM who insisted on 50-50, pornsick, and not considerate at all, but even he understood why strippers were a no-no. Don’t let them gaslight you about having this boundary, it is very normal and healthy not to want your fiancé around naked women.

Top_Acanthisitta2125 · 2021-10-18T20:47:18+00:00

Dump him. Theres an expression in my country: with who you are with, is who you are roughly translated basically meaning if his friend is a terrible person he probably us too

illegallyabby · 2021-10-18T21:17:26+00:00

All I’m gonna say is what my parents always told me, “Tell me who your friends are and I’ll tell you who you are.”

GabbaG0ul · 2021-10-18T21:49:50+00:00

Don’t. Marry. Him.

Platipus6 · 2021-10-18T22:25:36+00:00

HVM see their gf/wife as part of a team. He's supposed to have your back and operate as if you are one unit (and not in a gross way where you're his mind-reading servant).

Your LVM fiancé has turned his back on you and sided and empathised with his bros.

He does not view you as his partner. He does not care about your wishes, well-being, distress or security within the relationship. He cares about being a good ole boy to his groomsman, whom he seems to think is really cool.

repurposedschleem · 2021-10-18T21:19:47+00:00

Dude was definitely gauging how you’d react to that story to see if he could get some strippers “on the sly.” You didn’t react the way he expected — he got big mad.

I realize I’m a stranger on the internet so I don’t know him the way you do — but I’ll echo the others here: if he’s cool with his buddy lying to his wife and crossing her boundaries, he’s cool with it in his life too. Think long and hard if you want to marry someone who associates with a liar who clearly has zero respect for his wife.

BooksandEarlGreyTea · 2021-10-18T21:51:42+00:00

So amazing they both ignored a simple request........... of no strippers/ strip clubs.

I can understand why you would not want a wedding; if he is comfortable lying to his best friend's wife and hyping up said friend, then what else will he lie and exaggerate about?

I also notice a lack of enforcing the boundary of no strippers/ strip clubs - he seems to have just shrugged and gone 'oh no, my friends SuRpRiSeD me with it' as if that absolves him of everything.

I would be wondering what else is he using his friends to excuse him from?

TikiTikiTata-chalala · 2021-10-18T20:36:52+00:00

I'd say he's very likely going to have one at his bachelor party. The only 'sure' way to see how he feels about them at bachelor's parties is to defer to him and see if he wants one. His friends know, they ask you for pretense only If he doesn't stick up to them then, then he never will and probably enjoys going along for the ride and still getting to be the "good" guy cause it wasn't his idea. You can also have your maid of honor text the best man to brag about each other's nights and see if you get any proof of him being at a strip club (or hired strippers).

To me, this is grounds for calling it off and keeping the ring -I see men visiting strippers in any fashion a form of cheating; therefore he's broken the relationship up and you can keep the ring to be compensated for your time (and probably lost deposits at this point, but that's another reason to make all the deposits w his money! If he can't afford it then how can he afford to get married?)

xfelugirlx · 2021-10-18T21:53:47+00:00

Your friends say a lot about yourself, they are shitty and treat people bad? You are likely like them. They don’t respect their gf request? He thinks he got reason and surely will do what he wants and go to a strip club. I’ll never marry him fr

stealthreplife · 2021-10-18T23:59:36+00:00

Maybe you should innocently ask the other woman about how she coped with it and how she still thinks her husband is a good one. Since it's no big deal and all.

The_Moon_Piece · 2021-10-19T00:13:26+00:00

I had this exact interaction with one of my NVXs when we were together. We were about to sign a lease into a place together (I was a pickme) when he went to his buddy’s bachelor party. I told him beforehand that I was not okay with strip clubs and he assured me they weren’t going. He lied, they did go. He trickled down the truth in parts, but in the end he confessed he not only got a lap dance, he actually fucked the SW without a condom. And so did all his friends, including the groom. It turns out they were all cheaters covering for each other, and my NVX was the only one that came clean.

You can tell a lot about a man by the people he keeps around as friends, and by what convictions he stands behind. By what you described, it sounds like he is willing to make concessions for them and overlook their betrayal. That’s not HVM-material.

Radenoughyet · 2021-10-19T00:34:26+00:00

I don’t understand the tradition of strippers at all. Is that really the way people want to start their lives together? Most people that get married are already in a relationship, so it’s not your last night of being single- That ship has sailed.

takingbackitall · 2021-10-18T23:01:54+00:00

I hate to say this, but the fact he thinks his groomsmen might "surprise" him with strippers 100% means they're probably already planning it. They know, he knows. They asked you to test the waters to see how much of a secret they had to keep it

Like others have said, birds of a feather

Be thankful you're seeing this now, and not after you're legally bound to him. This isn't a small incident, it's a larger indicator of what his personality and values really are

I won't say what you should do, but I think you should think deeply about it before moving forward with anything

electroloop · 2021-10-18T20:24:23+00:00

Is this the same dude that watches porn everyday? You’re getting engaged to him with the expectation that he won’t go behind your back to a strip club anyways?

You’re in for a real treat.

broogaloo · 2021-10-18T22:21:46+00:00

OP I am so sorry you're having to face this - but as many other commenters have said, its not looking good.

You do have time to think about it, let it settle in your mind: will you ever be able to take him at his word if he has so openly admitted that lying and specifically going against one's spouse's desires is acceptable? You know what his friend(s) would do for his bachelor party - do you trust him to decline a stripper? If he were to decline a strip club or stripper, do you think he will defend you when his friends complain about you and your standards? Would you ever truly have peace of mind?

Magistraliter · 2021-10-19T00:07:48+00:00

So you basically told him about your boundaries and feelings and his answer was "who cares how you feel!"

What are the good things about him, and what are the other bad ones? Is there more red flags? What makes you think he's gonna be a good husband?

Snowmist92 · 2021-10-19T00:21:45+00:00

One of my brorthers literally went behind my sister's back and got her husband a stripper for his bachelor party. She requested that nobody gets him one..and she literally had to say it multiple times. So her husband kept it secret for years along with an actual trip to a strip club one day. This caused a huge fight, and rightfully so.. and also a lifelong separation in my family. Her husband was very close with my brother. That's how they met. Now they don't even talk.

r4nd0m-u53r · 2021-10-18T22:33:04+00:00

This sounds really hard to be dealing with. As another posted said take a little bit of time to think about this. I would recommend hiring a counselor to talk it out with. My counsellor has been amazing at reinforcing that my boundaries and feelings are valid and I'm not crazy and can end a relationship for any reason.

ivory_727 · 2021-10-18T21:56:55+00:00

If he didn't want strippers at the bachelor party, he would make that clear to his friends. Think about it. What would you do if you suspected your girl friends were getting YOU a male stripper? You'd say hell no, and if they're really your friends they'd respect that. We gotta hold men to AT LEAST the standards we hold ourselves to.

the_ghost_of_ · 2021-10-18T23:52:49+00:00

Your fiance is the company he keeps.

arnezuara · 2021-10-18T21:30:21+00:00

As others have stated, it’s best that you end the engagement. Your fiancé getting angry with you for “judging” his friend is a serious red flag.

He, much like his friend, feels entitled to doing whatever the f—k he wants. He will cheat on you, if not already.

CrazyPaine · 2021-10-18T23:21:01+00:00

I don't like his shitty friend or him for getting mad at you. Because he can lie to you now he is can lie especially further down the road. I really don't want to see you hurt and lose money because of a cheating ass bum.

europoor24 · 2021-10-18T20:10:08+00:00

I'd cancel but also my petty self would have hot male strippers at my party if he acted like this.

Honestly though if he's comfortable with a friend who's lying he's probably lying as well/done the same thing (ask me how I know).

Technical_Moth248 · 2021-10-19T02:09:51+00:00

A man that loves and values you doesn't need to be instructed to call out other men for being disrespectful, and he definitely does not get angry at you for feeling unsafe and unhappy about disrespect. If he cannot be trusted to make relatively easy choices and is willing to lie to cover things up then he is not someone you need to be marrying. HVM do not remain friends with l/nvm for long periods of time, so if you see one or more in their group take it for the big red flag that it is.

NotMyRealName814 · 2021-10-19T02:16:42+00:00

I would tell your fiance that when he proposed marriage and you accepted there was a reasonable expectation of fidelity from that point onward and if he is using a bachelor party to interact with one or more strippers then he's just using that excuse as an acceptable way to cheat.

More women need to call this bullshit out. Strippers are at best emotional cheating and often that actually turns into physical cheating.

hiraethsidhartha · 2021-10-18T21:59:00+00:00

You have only been with him a year. A year is not long enough for people to show you who they really are. Even the most scrotey of scrotes can spend a year seemingly like a put together solid human being. This dude is more than happy to be weirdly manipulative about your boundaries just so he can have some strippers? I know everyone is different and that relationships can sometimes move fast and on the rare occasion it can turn out pretty alright... but I would seriously push the breaks on this one.

He obviously considers hiding sexual activity with other women from your wife if he is with "the boys" to be totally acceptable. Agh. No. Sounds like the potential to end up stuck in absolute hell, on the plus side you can always just get divorced. Have you thought about a prenup so he doesn't get to keep any of your hard earned stuff? Does he want to marry you or does he just want a party with some hired naked ladies so he can look super cool in front of his bros? Does he really want to build a solid relationship with you based on trust and mutual respect or does he just want a wife?

You can do better.

vbych76 · 2021-10-19T04:00:42+00:00

This enlightened me about something- they do that (going to sex workers), right before the wedding, because they think you will shut up about it, given you have much on the line, calling a wedding off, telling all your friends and relatives about it, money matters etc. And even if you have the courage to do so, the society is so messed up, that most likely, even the ones closest to you will gaslight you that "is not that big of a deal, he loves you, he decided to marry you, etc.". I second that he felt strongly about the similar situation, because he was intending to do exactly the same. Peer pressure at its finest, "boys will be boys" and all that crap.

shedipity · 2021-10-19T03:00:25+00:00

Can’t be a HVM if his friend is a LVM. Don’t marry this guy, OP.

helloitsmebeglad · 2021-10-18T22:15:24+00:00

I was engaged, had a problem with strip clubs for very personal reasons. My then-fiance was "surprised" with a visit, I found out the next day. I married him anyway. He ended up cheating on me with many different women. I wish I'd have saved myself the heartache.

sassyheather · 2021-10-18T21:55:11+00:00

Can we talk about how much it irks me that you immediately answered? Like a part of you knew you needed to answer for your fiancé. Is he a wee toddler who can’t speak for himself? Or were you thinking he wouldn’t say “no, there won’t be any strip clubs” so you jumped in to say it. Either way, break off this engagement.

rubygingerblush · 2021-10-18T22:43:23+00:00

Please break up with this man. There are several red flags in this situation. If your fiancé was a HVM, his friend wouldn’t have even gotten to the point of asking you if they can have strippers at the bachelor party. Your fiancé would have already told his friends that he doesn’t want strippers involved and that would be the end of story. The fact that your fiancé’s friend asked you means that your man wants strippers at his party but doesn’t want to get “in trouble” for asking.

Ahyoooo · 2021-10-19T02:53:40+00:00

Girl/ if your man’s best man was lying to his fiancé about lap dances from strippers and your fiancé is taking his side and trying to make it seem like it’s not a big deal... you are marrying a fuck boy. He is always going to chose his reputation with the boys over his relationship with you. It’s an extremely common LVM dynamic and if you were reading about a different woman experiencing a similar scenario you’d tell her to wake up and run. He is not going to change and you can’t make him see the bigger picture or choose you. It’s nothing you did. It’s who he is.

I recently had to breakup over something extremely similar.

These men are a dime a dozen. They are not worth it. You know how you really feel about this, stop gaslighting yourself or trying to convince him or get him to see your point of view. He knows what he’s doing. He is making the conscious decision to chose them. He is worried about his male social status because he’s weak and afraid of looking like a puss.

Be strong and move on now so you can save yourself from a life of his foolishness.

bokspring · 2021-10-19T06:13:06+00:00

Take it from an older woman.

You are so lucky you are not financially dependent on this man.

Think very carefully if you are happy being in a marriage where you are undermined by your husband and his friends.

Men can change after marriage. You become ‘the wife’ and there is a lot of baggage that comes with that title. Most of it a burden.

ChocoBananza · 2021-10-18T20:31:31+00:00

I wish I could say something helpful, but I’m currently in the same boat. I’m arguing with my current BF about the fact that his brother is covering his friend’s affair. Even though they are both HVM in other traits, this has irrevocably shattered my opinion of both of them. His brother for covering a man wh0re, and my current BF for being spineless. I’m contemplating on throwing the whole relationship with someone who was, until recently, an amazing man and someone that I planned a future with.

Whatever you decide sis, good luck. I know what I need to do tho…

Charming_Alex41 · 2021-10-18T21:44:15+00:00

In my opinion, you are focusing too much on the groomsman’s story and not on what your fiancé is telling you about himself.

Your fiancé is using his groomsman’s story as a buffer for his true intentions. He is the type to have strippers at his bachelor party and lie to you about it. That’s why he’s so angry at you.

Him defending his groomsman, lying to the bride, ignoring your boundaries, is showing you the exact type of man he is. LVM

You said “I don’t know if I want to marry someone who wants a groomsman like this-or even kept him as a friend”

What you really needed to say is: I don’t know if I want to marry a man who is (more than) okay with doing this to me

Ok-Performance5997 · 2021-10-19T02:03:03+00:00

Birds of the feather…..

Anonimica_X · 2021-10-19T03:54:52+00:00

He ( your fiancé ) will use the same reasoning when he cheats on you and/or when he watches porn. It's not that difficult to have a classy night out with friends which doesn't involve strippers. Your fiancé also has a strong case of trying to fit in with his dysfunctional counterparts. Beware of these men, because when push comes to shove, they won't have your back and will throw to the wolves simply because the tribe thinks it's the right thing to do.

corkymuu · 2021-10-19T00:36:42+00:00

I don’t understand how strippers became a thing with bachelor parties in the first place. Shouldn’t you get all of your sleazy male behavior out of your system BEFORE you think about settling down?

SupermarketObvious92 · 2021-10-19T09:03:29+00:00

My stomach dropped when I read that. I’m so sorry.

Please cancel the wedding - don’t explain to him. Don’t talk to him. He’ll know why!

It will be hard, and you will be hurt… but you’ll be way less hurt than if you married and had to divorce him. You said earlier in your comments this is the 3rd relationship you ended since FDS. You’re really strong. You will get over this.

Painfulmenstruation · 2021-10-18T21:02:07+00:00

I’d seriously rethink whether or not you want to go through with it because I agree, his choice of friends is questionable and this friend will always bring insecurity into your relationship.

I’d ask your husband how he plans to handle it. The only correct answer is for him to exclude this man from being the groomsman and uninvite him to the wedding.

I would personally call off the wedding otherwise as I wouldn’t want to spend the rest of my life being anxious about what my husband does when he’s with that particular friend and I’d also question his ability to befriend decent people.

If he does do the right thing, I’d delay the wedding and get a prenup that outlines no strippers, no porn, no cam girls, no following nude and barely clad models, etc., that spell out extreme financial consequences if he violates them.

Then you should tell the wife of the friend that did have the stripper at his bachelor party. Right now they’re all laughing behind her back because they pulled one over on her.

I’d also request to your fiancé that he be the one to tell her as proof of his respect for women and their boundaries.

partypancakesbacon · 2021-10-18T22:04:44+00:00

The fact that you have to be gatekeeper is super annoying and speaks to your fiancé’s immaturity. He likely told the best man that he’d love to go to strippers if you’d “let them”, so asked him to ask you. In front of everyone, mind you. A HVM would shit that shit down to begin with, and it would never come to anyone asking you. Or your fiancé should have spoken up right then when you were asked, indicating he doesn’t want that. Now you know you’d be marrying a teenager that you have to parent in the sense that he’d stray unless you set boundaries with live naked women who he’d pay to rub himself on. Lap dances are cheating IMO. Especially if secret. Abs if nothing secret, no HVM would expect his woman to allow a naked woman to dance and rub themselves all over him- privately or in a public strip club makes no difference.

iwetmyplantseveryday · 2021-10-18T21:44:03+00:00

He got mad because your talking about him not the friend because he has probably already made the decision to have a stripper and you hurt his good fiance ego

catgirlmoonqueen · 2021-10-19T03:49:35+00:00

DUUUUMPPP HIIIMMMMM

AveryIsBravery · 2021-10-19T03:54:39+00:00

He showed you who he is before the wedding.

If he’s willing to defend a friend lying to his wife but not defend you to his friends when you stood firm on not having strippers, that says a lot about his priorities.

A good partner will back you up, and he didn’t. 🚩

w-a-h-f · 2021-10-18T21:29:29+00:00

Your fiances friends are liars and your fiance is okay with that, which means he’s likely a liar too.

Do you want to be married to someone who is showing you that you can never believe him and he doesn’t value about honesty or truth?

No-Adagio-1572 · 2021-10-18T21:41:13+00:00

🏃🏾‍♀️🏃🏾‍♀️🏃🏾‍♀️🏃🏾‍♀️Girl run why is your husband even associating with this kind of guy? Sometimes guys put up this clean exterior but who they are friends with tells the true story. Has there been any previous redflags that you might have brushed over?

Ok_Feeling_7702 · 2021-10-18T22:21:43+00:00

This man is already in on the plan to “surprise” him.

Throwaway_blarn · 2021-10-19T00:56:14+00:00

He shouldn't even be testing the waters here. He shouldn't WANT strippers.

PirateQueenOfAshes · 2021-10-19T02:52:24+00:00

If the dude is so great a husband, then why doesnt he tell his wife now? ....yeah, I thought so. Because his naughty thrill was more important.

LucyStar3 · 2021-10-19T06:40:19+00:00

Do you want to live the rest of your life wondering when your fiance is going to toe the line and not tell you because he is the best husband in the world?

I'm not going to say leave him immediately, instead let him know in clear words you'll leave him immediately if he doesn't stop enabling his friend, and if ever even sniffs a stripper club customer, never mind the club.

World is enough sucky without you having someone in your corner ready to stab you; where's that corner is for someone supposed to be your partner, and not your backstabber.

Airaya · 2021-10-18T21:47:35+00:00

Run! This is a perfect example of your intuition screaming at you and other people gas lighting you to ignore it. Don’t keep people in your life that make you feel shaken up, it doesn’t go away.

strawberrygal373 · 2021-10-18T22:52:35+00:00

I’m not even going to bother reading the comments first to see what other people are saying because this is an immediate NO for me. In fact reading this made me mad. 1) your husband to be should not even be friends with a guy like that and he DEFINITELY shouldn’t have him as the groomsman if he thinks it’s likely he will surprise him with a stripper even though you, his soon to be wife, explicitly stated that you are not comfortable with this and you don’t want any strippers involved. Because this was clearly stated/communicated even if it’s a maybe that the groomsman might do this your husband should handle the situation accordingly and replace him, or really let him know that he’s not ok with it. Otherwise it really feels wrong, almost like cheating (the cheating opinion is really just how I feel about the whole thing, but it definitely feels like it). Side note: it’s so gross that he invited/got strippers when the other bride said no too and didn’t tell her. If my partner did this without telling me or was pulling something like this I would seriously reconsider if they are the person I’m supposed to be with.

OL_SONF_VORSG · 2021-10-18T22:56:31+00:00

Saying the friend is an amazing husband is just trying to excuse his actions that CANNOT be excused. Wife had a simple request and he lied to her, who knows what else he’s lied about.

And if your fiancé knows you don’t want strippers around yet still wants to keep a groomsman who might bring them regardless, that means he expects it and wants it. He just wants to make it seem like he had nothing to do with it to play victim and avoid consequences.

If your fiancé is so comfortable with excusing other men lying to their wives out of pure selfishness it’s not looking too good girl. Please stay vigilant.

2021-10-18T23:45:20+00:00

That’s really awful. He should be so excited to marry you- that he would never consider upsetting you like this just before your wedding. You’re right to feel the way you do. This is incredibly wrong.

CurlySnowBunny · 2021-10-19T04:17:47+00:00

I would immediately get out of this before you realize you have to get a divorce. Divorces are more expensive and you may be wasting your time with this guy rather than getting back on track with your own life and dating again. Just an intuitive hunch, but I think your fiance is lying to you about it being a surprise if his friend throws that sort of party. Birds of a feather flock together. I think your fiance is doing to you what his friend did to his wife except you have info beforehand that it's actually going to go down one way or another. It feels like your fiance is "letting you in on the secret" and that is creating a false sense of trust when it's very possible that he and his friends are in on it together to make it look like his friend did it to him if anyone was to find out. Friends of a feather ALWAYS stick together.

Let's say your fiance is a great guy who is just a pushover to his terrible friend. Do you want to be married to someone who lacks moral strength in the face of breaking off a bad relationship? He will always have a problem keeping around people he shouldn't if he has this problem and since you'll be married you are going to be taken for granted because it will be hard for you to leave and therefore he is far less likely to make changes. When things get challenging of any sort can you trust him to be a good person if he's this weak right now? And if it's not a matter of being a pushover then does he truly have a habit of keeping secrets and creating alibis ahead of time to keep things from you?

He's afraid of losing bad people for one reason or another, and while we all can fall victim to the threat of losing connections I encourage you to be stronger than him and leave before it becomes 1000x harder to leave. Just imagine how it would play out where you are married and wasting your youth and looks on a guy who doesn't treat you with respect or doesn't have the strength to. Just think of how you could be getting married to a guy who doesn't put you in this situation a year from now and could have skipped all the expenses and time of getting divorced. Don't be afraid of leaving questionable people like he is.

WestAtmosphere · 2021-10-19T19:59:18+00:00

Tbh if it were me I'd full out call off the wedding. It sounds like they would end up going to a strip club no matter what you say. If they weren't considering it as an idea they wouldn't of brought it up to test the waters

Ok-Appearance5982 · 2021-10-20T12:24:02+00:00

This is a red flag

NotMyRealName814 · 2021-10-19T02:11:11+00:00

Personally I am very, very opposed to bs like strip clubs because they are so prevalent and there seems to be this idea that it's just harmless fun which I disagree with. There is a lot of prostitution that goes on in these places and when it's a bachelor party almost invariably the prospective groom is going to either have intercourse with strippers or get blown by a stripper. I can't tell you what to do but I would seriously rethink your engagement and marriage if you think your fiance would either enthusiastically have sex with a stripper or could be pressured into doing so by his friends.

BossBae247 · 2021-10-18T21:06:03+00:00

Like attracts like! There are red flags written all over this post!!! 🚩🚩🚩The fact that you had to tell him not to do it speaks volume! I feel sick to my stomach for you, because I’ve been there with a previous relationship. Trust me when I say your intuition is telling you something is wrong here! This is not how you should be starting a future with someone basically doubting their trust and word. However he has given you a very damn good reason not to believe it! This is a very big deal!!! Don’t let anyone else tell you other wise! Trust your gut sis!!! I know this is heartbreaking however it can not be a successful relationship when he supports this type of behavior! He has shown you his true colors! Believe them! Don’t make “excuses” for it. It will only ruin you and your future down the road! This type of behavior can not be fixed or changed! He is who he is! You’re being warned for a reason! Don’t ignore it!

shesavillain · 2021-10-18T21:59:59+00:00

And if the friends “surprise” him with a stripper/strip club he can leave it. He doesn’t have to stay. And that will tell you all what you need to know about him and how much he respects himself and you.

No-Release7162 · 2021-10-18T22:41:13+00:00

Leave immediately. How could he dare defend this soul less husk of a man. Your views are right and you should immediately vote with your feet. Trust your feelings and run away. Don't let all that time you have spent with him building a relationship count for anything. Clearly a better man who will understand that your opinion is the right opinion is just around the corner - start that search now.

merseyway · 2021-10-18T23:27:55+00:00

Whatever you do, keep this in mind: it's easier to break off an engagement than to get a divorce. It might be worth jumping ship now to save yourself trouble later down the line.

PinchePescadora · 2021-10-18T23:57:55+00:00

I’m wondering if there are any other red flags you might’ve encountered in your relationship? Time to be VERY honest with yourself and trust your gut (you came to FDS for a reason…)

TunaLalaSurprise · 2021-10-19T04:58:23+00:00

The fact you're asking for advice and have doubts says a lot to me where your decision is leaning towards.

I just heard from a friend's husband who recently attended a destination bachelor's party overseas. He told us how two groomsmen had sex with the stripper/s they hired. One of these guys got married only a few months ago. Will the wife find out? No. None of them will ever tell her.

Not saying this is what they'll do. But parties with strippers is just a breeding ground for these types of behavior.

Closet_weeb13 · 2021-10-19T08:22:46+00:00

I never got the point of crazy bachelor/bachelorette party nights. If people need a “last night of freedom” then maybe they shouldn’t be getting married.

How to handle it? Well, my ex went to Vegas and cheated on me w a stripper at his friend’s bachelor party so this hits way too close to home. The solution is to control the venue of the party and do it on a date where you’re free and can pick him up if he’s too drunk? If your future husband respects you he will make sure you feel comfortable with the situation and aware of what goes on that night.

In reality, if he doesn’t acknowledge his friend’s MAJOR character/relationship flaw and recognize the validity of your concern, then honestly fuck that shit. In my experience, guys who defend their shitty ass friends and condone their cheating behaviors clearly don’t have respect for women and don’t have respect for female S.O.. I’ve been to strip clubs as a girl, it’s not just dancing. Sometimes it’s full nude and meat curtains everywhere. I’ve seen plenty of touching. And what happens in the private rooms. Sorry but to me it’s straight up CHEATING. Don’t marry a cheater please

marpu_el_magnifico · 2021-10-20T02:20:37+00:00

My ex ex went on a stag party weekend to Prague and I found out much later all of the guys on the trip over there slept with multiple prostitutes. Every single man on that trip was in a relationship 🤢

GigaKarenEnergy · 2021-10-19T02:32:27+00:00

Definitely don’t rush the ceremony and really think about it. I have a few things to say.

When men go to the strip clubs, they just don’t ask for dances. They also ask for “extras” (sex) . I do believe if sex cannot be bought at these places, men would not go at all. Also I think your husband is lying that his friend only got a lap dance smh

It’s honestly a massive big red flag that his closest friend has this attitude because that means you’re husband will probably do the same.

Smurfette_Syndrome · 2021-10-19T05:49:41+00:00

WTF is wrong with these guys.

I accidentally stumbled into a bachelor party a little bit before the pandemic and they just wore costumes and played video games.

I thought strip clubs were a 20th century thing.

PossibilityKlutzy · 2021-10-19T07:35:19+00:00

If it was just a lap dance I’m sure he would have told his wife by now.

I also wouldn’t want this kind of man at my wedding bridal party

BedazzledSwashbuckle · 2021-10-19T16:36:13+00:00

Here's the issue, OP:

There's a chance you'll be having daughters with this man. Your daughter's first experience of seeing herself through male eyes comes from her dad. Do you want this man's perspective of women to be her own perspective of herself?

They're not as plentiful, but men who find this exploitation of women disgusting absolutely exist. I was raised by one. He also raised my brothers, who are the same way. They've walked out of "surprise" strip shows, left business meetings when those migrated to a strip club, and have no problem condemning porn and making sure their kids are in youth orgs that do the same at appropriate ages. And my best friend growing up - whose dad's photo is next to the dictionary entry for "dumpster fire" - married a man who refused to have a stripper at his bachelor party (even though she was fine with it) because (a) it's disrespectful, and (b) he wanted to have a family event that his sister could tag along on and felt that was inappropriate there as well.

I've grown up watching men change the channel when a commercial comes on that uses women's bodies to sell products. They respect their brains and they respect their own sexuality and refuse to pollute it so marketers can better manipulate them and make money off of them. They refuse to pour poison into their eyeballs that might cause them to see or treat the women who love them in a harmful way.

That's the man you want to raise your daughters *and* your sons. And I would argue that's the only type of man who can adequately love you too.

Please hold out a bit longer. You don't want to live this way.

furiouswomen · 2021-10-20T08:36:33+00:00

In my opinion, he knew he could not ask you directly so had someone else ask it for him. Who better than his groomsman so that someone else is a bad guy. Not him.

bombas- · 2021-10-21T08:43:47+00:00

At that point, I wouldn’t be comfortable going ahead with this wedding unless we mutually agreed to skip having groomsmen/bridesmaids altogether, and no bach parties period. That way he could avoid being surprised 😇

But I’d want that to be HIS idea.

It sounds like he probably already goes to strip clubs with his friends in instances that you don’t know about. I’m sorry.

HWestNewYork · 2021-10-19T19:02:57+00:00

Thank you for your advice! I have talked to him and he said he will definitely not allow strippers/strip clubs at his bachelor party. If someone surprises him with one, then he will leave. I believe him when he says this (partly because one of his groomsman would call me and tell me immediately if my fiancé did not- a really stand up guy that friend). And he did offer to kick the one guy out of the wedding party- but it was more of a thing he would do if I wanted him to. He even offered to call off the bachelor party in all. However, he has not of his own volition gotten rid of this guy as his friend or his groomsman. And still defends him. To your point- he should be doing this on his own. I refuse to force him. I’m also shocked that he would even for a second entertain the idea of having a stripper involved in his bachelor party. It’s just a super gross thought. He has apologized profusely and I can type forever about our conversations in the last day- but this is likely him saying whatever he needs to say to keep me.

I am considering asking him to tell the wife. I can’t tell if that’s an asshole move to tell the wife years after it happened. She has her first baby on the way apparently, too 😭

PristineCloud · 2021-10-19T17:20:23+00:00

Just another voice to say I think you should rethink this engagement IMO. I know of a few men (peripherally) who have been to or had stripper parties and heard stories from men about things that go on. I've known some "dancers" throughout the years and they are very often offered extra cash to go further at these private parties.

My husband does not knowingly associate with men who use (abuse) these women, even "dancers".

"he thinks his groomsman will likely surprise him with one" <-----It's easy for your BF to deal with this, he tells them he's not interested and if they want to go to see sex workers, excuse me.....strippers, they can go without him any time they like.

Mb9890 · 2021-10-19T17:56:59+00:00

Also i would be weary of believing that nothing else happened...."just a lap dance" trickle down truth...they are liars and its clear they do not respect women that they love...i would try to go to your husband friend and really angrily say he told you everything and see what else cones out ofc this nay destroy their relationship i did it once. But i had a gut feeling so i had too....also stay away from ppl who make us do this tatic stuff bc at the end ofc we are the crazy ones

shedipity · 2021-10-30T04:11:11+00:00

Any update OP?

Title	Bachelor Party And Strip Clubs
Author	HWestNewYork
Upvotes	1143
Comments	293
Date	October 18, 2021 7:57 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/qaumut/bachelor_party_and_strip_clubs/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/bachelor-party-and-strip-clubs.1078775 https://theredarchive.com/post/1078775

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