I recently came across a post on r/AskReddit titled, "Pew Research: Nearly half of US adults say dating has gotten harder in the last 10 years. What are your thoughts on the current dating scene?" After reading through some of the comments, it became clear to me that the current state of dating—at least for men—requires drastic change. These changes may be difficult to commit to, but they’re necessary to create a healthier, more balanced dating culture in the long term.

To put it simply: the current dating system doesn’t work for the average man. This post focuses on the male perspective because, frankly, I don’t think it’s realistic—or fair—to expect women to make changes that would benefit men. Asking women to give up their dating advantages isn’t going to happen, and many already view men as the “enemy” in this conversation.

The fact is, the dating system as it stands continues to operate because of men. We are the ones doing most of the initiating, chasing, planning, and driving interactions. If men collectively chose to opt out, the system would have no choice but to change, because its very structure relies on us being active participants. If men dated the way women typically date—more selectively and passively—this wouldn’t even be a conversation.

The problem is, I don’t believe there are any non-radical solutions. Breaking this cycle would require society to incentivise men to take a more passive approach to dating. But that’s unlikely because it’s not in the system’s best interest. For one, lower birth rates would be an inevitable consequence if men dated more passively or held an apathetic view of relationships. Declining birth rates are already a concern in many developed countries, where populations are aging and economies depend on a stable or growing workforce. If men were to collectively opt out of dating and relationships, it would exacerbate this issue, leading to economic and societal challenges, such as labour shortages and increased pressure on social welfare systems.

This is why society can’t afford to let men opt out and instead dangles female validation and intimacy like a carrot on a stick to keep us chasing and desperate. Media, advertising, and cultural norms all reinforce the idea that a man’s worth is tied to his ability to attract women, perpetuating the cycle. The system benefits from keeping men striving for validation, ensuring their participation in the economy and society at large, even if it comes at the expense of our mental health and overall happiness.

Take Bumble as an example. The app originally differentiated itself by requiring women to send the first message, shifting the onus of initiation. However, Bumble later introduced features like "Opening Moves," which allowed women to set prompts that men could respond to—effectively giving men a way to initiate conversations. Why? Because the majority of paying users were men, and they weren’t willing to keep spending money to match with women who let conversations expire. This shows how even attempts to change dating norms are often abandoned when they threaten the system’s profitability.

The truth is, many of us are too available and too desperate, and society benefits from keeping it that way. If a significant number of men embraced single life and found fulfilment elsewhere, the current system would collapse. And this is precisely why encouraging this shift on a mainstream level is so difficult—it threatens the foundation of how relationships are structured and maintained.

So, what’s the alternative? I believe men should consider embracing single life—not as a temporary phase but as a legitimate and fulfilling option. Permanent singledom allows men to focus on personal growth, career aspirations, hobbies, and friendships without tying their self-worth to dating or relationships. We don’t need women as much as we’ve been conditioned to believe, and it’s time we started finding fulfilment independently of them.

If enough men embraced this mindset, the dating market would have no choice but to shift. A man who chooses to participate in dating would become more sought after because fewer men would be readily available. Ironically, this could benefit women as well by contributing to the equality many claim to desire, while potentially reducing the pool of men they view as not worth their time. Still, I suspect some women may take issue with this shift, as will likely be evidenced in responses to this post.

At the same time, we need to redefine societal views on singledom. Currently, single women are often celebrated as empowered, while single men are viewed as failures. This double standard must be addressed. The image of a successful man should no longer hinge on his relationship status but instead on his ability to build a fulfilling, meaningful life devoid of dependency on women or romantic validation.