Why did so many Modern women decide they don't want kids?

sublimemongrel · 2024-09-18T12:08:22+00:00

I have kids but was on the fence for a long time. Pregnancy is zero fun, I hated it. Don’t even get me started on giving birth, it’s terrifying and painful. It also permanently changed my body in ways I don’t like. Men don’t have to worry about any of this.

Kids also change your life entirely, completely, in every way imaginable. Welcome to having nearly zero me time for years and years of your life.

Kids are expensive. Very expensive.

bluepvtstorm · 2024-09-18T14:23:53+00:00

I will say it. I am selfish. After taking care of my dad after he got sick and the sleepless night and the feeding through the feeding tube and all that other stuff. I said nope.

I never want to keep another human alive again. The argument of well it’s different when it’s your kid. I don’t give a fuck. I loved my dad more than some people love their own children and it was a challenge and I never want to have to care for another human being that needs me to make life decisions for them.

The cooking, the cleaning, the decision making, the constant worrying, the medical advocating.

Plus you don’t know if your kid will be autistic or have mental health issues or an addict. I like the predictability of my life.

I like doing what I want when I want. A job ticks me off, I quit. I hate where I live, I move. I want to go to another country and stay for three months, I go.

nightsofthesunkissed · 2024-09-18T13:02:46+00:00

I like peace. A lot.

Unhappy_Offer_1822 · 2024-09-18T12:57:27+00:00

thats an interesting observation considering i often see complaints about the excess amount of single moms in the dating pool

ExcelSpreadCheekz · 2024-09-18T11:22:42+00:00

I think the sentiment was always there. It's just become more socially acceptable for women to be childless now. Inflation definitely didn't help things either

sanslumiere · 2024-09-18T12:47:14+00:00

I have three kids. It's a ton of work, and historically, 99% of that work fell on the shoulders of women. I'll give kudos to Millennial fathers for contributing more effort to parenting than any generation before them, but women will still disproportionately have their careers and health impacted by choosing to become mothers. I developed what seems to be a permanent allergiy to peanuts, and I developed high blood pressure that took over a year to resolve. I also needed to reduce my hours at work. I am a PhD scientist in a meaningful field. I love my job and am well compensated, but my husband makes more in a similarly important job, so it made more sense for me to drop to part time.

I love being a parent, but it is a decision that should be made with intention and only with a partner who has demonstrated that they'll pull their weight. If your partner is lazy, do not have children with them. They will not magically become industrious once kids come along. I married the guy who cleaned his entire apartment at 2 AM after his roommates/ other party goers passed out in college. He works as hard at his job as he does at home (as do I), and we make it work. Anecdotally, all of our friends do the same - the men and women both have good jobs, and both contribute significantly to parenting.

If you have a man that thinks working a 9-5 is enough of a contribution, DO NOT HAVE KIDS WITH HIM. My husband makes enough to support us all on his own, and he has NEVER used that as a reason to slack on helping to maintain the household or to engage in childcare. Lazy men do not deserve the sacrifice you'll be making to bring life into this world. You do not want to feel like you have an adult child to take care of. Your sex drive will shrivel up and die, and the resentment will kill the marriage.

Tl;dr: Motherhood irrevocably changes your body, and your career will suffer. Only have kids if you truly want them and you have a partner who does not shy from hard work.

A1Dilettante · 2024-09-18T12:10:04+00:00

I don't want to take care of them. It's as simple as that.

MarjieJ98354 · 2024-09-18T11:50:05+00:00

If you don’t have the right economic situation and most importantly—the right partner—people shouldn’t do it. Full stop.

The right partner is the biggest thing that I cannot stress enough. You 1000000% need a teammate and someone who actually loves you and doesn’t just tolerate you so that he can collect a wife and kids as things he owns. You absolutely need a man who is a good man along with you for the ride. Otherwise it can absolutely be miserable and realistically—downright dangerous. The character of the father of your children is so goddamn important.

RATTLECORPSE · 2024-09-18T12:02:54+00:00

I would gladly have kids if I could be the father. No risk on my body. Lot less responsibility with child care. No impact on my career. Sounds like a dream.

Unfortunately I'm a woman.

DaisyTheBarbarian · 2024-09-18T11:17:55+00:00

I mean, there are all kinds of reasons

Mental health
Trauma history (such as not wanting to continue a cycle of abuse and also not knowing how to stop it)
Medical history (Be that history that means a pregnancy would be extra risky, or a medical condition one doesn't want to pass on)
The fact that pregnancy and childbirth can kill you
The fact that pregnancy can leave you with chronic medical conditions for the rest of your life, such as diabetes
Pregnancy causes many body and brain changes that are permanent and detrimental, including losing the calcium from your teeth and bones
Pregnancy can cause or exacerbate mental health issues, such as depression and even psychosis
Children are hard work, they are not a commitment to be taken on lightly
Children can be expensive, and the price of them being less expensive is often paid in more time and energy, which not everyone has available
Childcare is similarly expensive, but taking extra time off work is detrimental to ones career, the career one needs to pay the bills, the career one might have a passion for more than one has a passion for children
Climate change is looming over all of our heads and some people don't want to subject their offspring to it
Children require immense amounts of time and effort to raise well, people get to choose where they would like to put their time and effort, some people choose things other than kids
Straight up, not everyone likes kids. Some people just genuinely do not like children and do not want to live with one (or more) in their home, eating their food, making noise, and making constant demands on their time and attention. I don't know how anyone would be unable to understand valuing your peace and quiet and your things staying where you left them 😂

Not to mention the extra vulnerability that comes with both pregnancy and having a child that depends on you for survival. It's not a light and easy choice, it has 18 years of consequences at a minimum, and life long bodily consequences that add up as you have more and more kids.

I have a kid, she is the light of my life, but I also completely understand why my bestie went a different direction with her life 😂 in fact, becoming a parent just made me understand the choice to be child-free even more, even though it isn't what I chose for myself.

literaryhogwartian · 2024-09-18T12:58:27+00:00

For myself - i simply don't want to. I have a wonderfully happy life with my husband, an interesting career, travel. I have zero desire to give birth, clean up bottoms or vomit. I also had to be very responsible very young due to parental death which has contributed.

SaBahRub · 2024-09-18T14:19:22+00:00

The answers are pretty obvious and have been discussed ad nauseum

To not know them is pretty much willful ignorance

UpbeatInsurance5358 · 2024-09-18T11:01:48+00:00

Because women before were having kids they don't want.

Because women who do have kids find out that they're doing it alone.

Because women can't "have it all", they can have kids or a good career. They're choosing the career.

Because being pregnant changes every cell in your body and causes a 100% pregnancy rate.

Because in the USA certainly,they can't afford to.

Sillysheila · 2024-09-18T11:15:33+00:00

Here’s the thing: I want children.

But I can understand why people are deciding not to do it.

Time was, people used to have to have children basically if they wanted to have sex. My great grandparents had more than six children on both sides, because they started in their mid 20s and kept having babies until menopause. With my maternal grandmother I have pretty good evidence it wasn’t all planned out super well because my youngest great aunt and grandmother had 8 years between them. My maternal great grandmother had my grandmother in her mid-late 40s in the 1920s, total accident according to my family and they thought it was perimenopause or menopause. But my grandmother luckily never had any serious health issues, and she lived a long life with almost no ailments.

Now that’s not the case anymore. If you have kids you’re signing up to 18 years minimum (hey probably more) of work, with pain and health complications. Why would you want to do this if you don’t even like children or don’t want that commitment? To me that sounds awful. Pretty easy for me to understand and this is coming from someone who wants a baby.

ItIsnt0verYet · 2024-09-18T15:02:45+00:00

Not enough upsides, too many downsides. Might be more inclined if US laws weren't actively detrimental to women trying to get pregnant and if it wasn't prohibitively expensive. The damage to my body is another huge reason.

TidyMess123 · 2024-09-18T11:23:59+00:00

You’re struggling to figure out why women don’t want to have their bodies permanently disfigured, have their potential for wage growth slashed dramatically, and risk their own deaths all for something they cannot afford anyway?

crookedsummer2019 · 2024-09-18T11:51:07+00:00

In the past it wasn’t a decision they could easily make. There was an expectation that women got married and had kids. There was an expectation that men got married, had kids, and became the sole financial provider.

It’s more socially acceptable now for both men and women to opt of marriage, kids, and being the sole financial provider. I’m a parent but at least half of my friends are not. It’s a thing now.

So more men and women are doing just that. There’s still many more people who want to have kids so it’s not like the human race will become extinct anytime soon.

Hotsexygirl9 · 2024-09-18T10:55:15+00:00

Expensive, PAINFUL to say the absolute least, many other reasons, and some just dont want kids, not a crime to not want kids lol.

Gillionaire25 · 2024-09-18T12:39:52+00:00

From what I understand, my friend does not want kids because she grew up in a dysfunctional family and does not believe she is capable of being a good mother. Don't people always say "don't have kids if you can't take care of them"? Well that's what she's doing, not having kids.

She also doesn't want someone to cut her genitals with a knife or have them tear, and the complications that follow, or to have scars and loose skin on her abdomen. There are many practices which dehumanize a pregnant woman, such as doctors putting their fingers in, cutting an episiotomy or doing cervical sweeps without consent or nurses denying postpartum pain relief and being rude to vulnerable patients.

Makuta_Servaela · 2024-09-18T14:57:41+00:00

It's not that modern women decided they don't want kids as much as most women generally haven't wanted as many kids as they had in the past. They didn't have much access to abortion or contraceptives, marital rape was legal in most places, and their kids were constantly dying and getting replaced.

You can see in every other species like us that are highly intelligent like orangutans, orcas, and elephants. They all rather have a few kids and put a lot of energy into those few kids.

fluttertutt · 2024-09-18T11:16:20+00:00

I like my life with my partner the way it is.

attendquoi · 2024-09-18T12:43:35+00:00

None of it sounds appealing to me. Risks to my health, the expenses, etc.

-Shes-A-Carnival · 2024-09-18T12:11:36+00:00

from my birth i never wanted kids, weddings or anything normal like that. I'm old now and have never held a baby and I don't care. i DID almost have a baby with my H too late in life and experienced wanting THAT child with that man when it was happening, but otherwise have always been conceptually disinterested in children, babies and being a mother. no reasoning, no thought, no justification, no desire.

ConsciousInternal287 · 2024-09-18T14:43:34+00:00

I just don’t want to. Having kids has never appealed to me. If I did have kids, I would likely resent them, which no child deserves.

punapearebane · 2024-09-18T14:06:21+00:00

I dont see a reason to why I should.

In addition to the damage to my career, finances, body and general freedom.

angelbaby933 · 2024-09-18T11:32:09+00:00

A lot of it is economic - single income households are rare these days meaning that as well as the pregnancy and caregiving burden being on the woman, she now also has to take on the financial burden.

I’m lucky that my partner makes good money and we’d be on the same page about me staying home until the children were school age, because I don’t think I’d have children if I had to come back to work 6 weeks after giving birth.

Kudos to those who do, I just don’t want children badly enough to subject myself to that. I’d also rather be the one raising my children than giving most of my paycheque to someone else to.

I would like children but I could also find meaning and joy in a life without them and this is becoming more socially acceptable and evidently the norm too.

Dishonouronmycow2 · 2024-09-18T12:00:05+00:00

Lots of reasons:

Economic, Can’t find the right partner, Mental Illness, Giving birth is painful and can take a huge toll on your body or even they just don’t want them

For me I would not be the best mother, and I recognise that as a limitation. It wouldn’t be fair on any child

TheAvocadoSlayer · 2024-09-18T16:24:15+00:00

Reasons why I don’t want kids:

1.) The idea of having kids does not spark an ounce of joy in me. I have zero desire to have children.

2.) My husband and I are able to afford whatever we want at the moment. We live comfortable lifestyles. Having children would ruin that. Sorry, I don’t care if that makes us selfish.

3.) We would get no more time to ourselves. It’s nice to be able to wake up whenever I want and do whatever I want!

4.) I don’t want to experience all the side effects of being pregnant. That includes both physical and mental.

5.) I don’t want to push out a baby. It sounds so painful. I don’t want my asshole tearing either.

6.) I’ve worked hard for the body I have now and even then I have self esteem issues that I’m working on. Having kids would change my body for ever and would most likely end up in me hating my body.

I’m living my best life. I don’t see any need to have kids. I don’t care if my bloodline ends and all that mumbo jumbo people use to scare others into having kids.

OP, the reason you find it hard to find reasons not to have kids is because you’re only seeing it from a man’s point of view. Are you incapable of putting yourself in woman’s shoes? That’s pretty sad.

fiftypoundpuppy · 2024-09-18T18:42:25+00:00

Believe it or not, children are opt-in, not opt-out.

I decided I didn't want kids the same day I decided I was heterosexual.

operation-spot · 2024-09-18T15:36:29+00:00

At this point in my life becoming pregnant would be my biggest nightmare. That may change in the future but right now I would be going straight to the clinic if my birth control somehow failed.

I also don’t think I’m a selfless enough person to be a mother so I’d like to live my life and then be able to dedicate the rest of my life to my child. Once you become a mother that’s all you are and that’s not how I want to be defined this early on into my life. I have dreams and aspirations that I’ve been working toward my whole life and those aspirations are incompatible with having children.

I also believe that children should have certain things and those things require money. Before I could even consider having children I’d have to be at a certain point financially without my partner because I think that women in particular should always have a plan in case they become a single mother.

I’ve noticed that for men saying they want a child is just thought of as the next stage of life rather than a life altering decision. For too many men it’s essentially a kink they don’t want to deal with the repercussions of. Even making those who genuinely want to be fathers it’s expected that the mother be more involved or else she’s a bad mother and therefore not woman enough.

On a lighter note, I always make my male sims family oriented so they take care of the children and then send the female sim to work so I’m making positive change.

HappyCat79 · 2024-09-18T17:01:01+00:00

Motherhood is the most demanding and thankless thing a woman can do, that’s why.

Signed,

A mother of 5.

DreaminInChocolate · 2024-09-18T15:12:38+00:00

I completely understand why women are choosing not to have children. They're a ton of work. Kids are expensive. Pregnancy and childbirth can cause permanent damage and lifelong pain. Men do less childcare and parenting. I myself have 4 kids. The first child was unplanned and if he wasn't an amazing dad and partner it would have been the only child. The risk for "maybe it will work" is too much when you consider that it's a lifetime commitment.

Flightlessbirbz · 2024-09-18T15:52:10+00:00

Because for the first time in history, women are able to make informed decisions on whether or not to have children. Even with the advent of birth control, there was still a lot of social pressure to have children and not much frank talk about what pregnancy, childbirth, and motherhood is like.

Having children can be wonderful if you truly want them, but it is a massive sacrifice of a woman’s health, time, energy, earning potential, and SMV/RMV. I always say I know I’d love to be a dad, but a mom… well, there’s a reason I don’t have kids yet, not that I’ve 100% ruled it out.

Last but definitely not least, most young people just can’t afford kids anymore whether they want them or not.

Poor_Olive_Snook · 2024-09-18T16:34:53+00:00

We don't have to rely on men in the same way we did during our grandparent's generation. The planet is dying, rights are being trampled, and we live in a country with a shameful maternal mortality rate and medical professionals that disregard women's health and welfare. A lot of places require two incomes to sustain a family, so not only are women going back to work after childbirth, but they're shouldering the majority of the childcare and domestic responsibilities. I could go on but I'm going to do some online shopping with my childfree money

apresonly · 2024-09-18T18:56:37+00:00

because it takes a village and not only do we not have a village, we have a full time job we have to do in addition to parenting. the push for the nuclear family destroyed the family bc it isolated us from the larger community.

if i could be a dad, i would def want kids. but i have to be the mom and i have zero faith that i would meet a man who would be a 50/50 partner to me in child rearding.

so no kids it is.

Lysa_Bell · 2024-09-18T17:31:30+00:00

I can't even be bothered to keep plants alive. I know I would be a terrible mother and I love my non existent children too much to object them to me as their parent. It's my responsibility to protect them.

SandBrilliant2675 · 2024-09-18T16:31:52+00:00

On a very personal decision making level:

Women are now have the choice not have children (at least in Western culture), women now have the choice to not get married or be in a relationship at all.
Having children can derail a woman's career (9 months pregnancy, X months nursing, X amount of time staying at home to take care of the baby).
Pregnancy is very tough on the body and can cause permanent changes, and now that having children is no longer necessary to be a functional part of society for a woman, women who do not want to endure pregnancy and child birth are choosing not to.

"I'm biased on want to have kids . To the point I'm struggling to think of reasons not to."

Are you willing or able to take on the laboring ore of being being the societal defacto child rearer?
Are you willing to take a step back from you career for X number of years to provide for your child while your wife advances her career? There is a lot of unjustified stigma against a father choosing to be the stay at home or primary care giving parent (even while working), are you willing to challenge that stigma?
Are you able to afford nannys and/or day care/and or child care so both you are your partner can continue to advance your careers while also having children?

MistyMaisel · 2024-09-18T17:11:31+00:00

Note, I do want to have children, but, I think if you can't think of reasons not to have kids, you aren't really a person who should be having them or is ready to have them.

The toil, discomfort, agony, and danger of pregnancy alone is a solid reason to do it. Couple this with the fact the man doesn't have to lift a fuckin finger and often does not dote upon or treat the woman doing this with the absolute aid, support, service, and rapture she merits, yeah, why the fuck would someone want to go through physical agony with little to no aid. I don't see lots of men signing up to be physically imposed upon and tortured for 9+ months. And the ones that do are compensated for it.

Like, I don't think I've gotta add to this one, it's such a powerful fuckin argument against it. Daisy the Barbarian covered most of the rest, but this one really should be reiterated.

Novadina · 2024-09-18T15:22:59+00:00

To the point I’m struggling to think of reasons not to.

Really? You couldn’t think of a single one? I never found any reasons to have them. What are the reasons to have kids?

Some reasons I don’t:

pregnancy sounds terrifying and painful
giving birth sounds terrifying and painful
kids are a ton of work
kids cost a lot of money
kids take a bunch of time
you don’t know what you will get - might be a healthy baby, might be someone with disabilities that you have to care for the rest of your life, or might be a stillborn
you don’t know who you will get - might be an awesome person, might be someone with BPD like my mother has, which is a terrible illness to suffer with and results in misery for them everyone around them
my husband doesn’t want kids

With how much work and money they cost it seems like the only people who would want kids are ones who really like raising kids. Like if it’s their hobby - people don’t mind spending time and money on their hobby, it gives them satisfaction. But it’s not my hobby. Pregnancy and torn vaginas and crying babies and screaming children are all the opposite of a fun hobby for me. Everyone is different, I enjoy things like programming, and many people tell me sitting in front of a computer sounds awful to them, but I like it. So it’s the same with kids - some people enjoy kids and childcare more than others.

My husband and I just never found any good reasons to have kids. The reasons sometimes given, like “breed so your country has enough slaves” or “have kids so you can hope they will care for you when you are old” didn’t really seem like a good reasons for us as it seemed to just be planning on their suffering.

MiddleZealousideal89 · 2024-09-18T15:10:19+00:00

Combination of reasons.

They just don't want kids. They've never felt some strong maternal drive, they don't find babies cute, and they just don't have the patience to deal with raising a kid. If you know you don't want a thing, and that you might not be a good fit for it because of your temperament, probably best not to do the thing.
They don't have a partner or at least a partner they can trust will be an equal parent. A lot of them have probably seen their mothers do most of the childrearing and housework while they were growing up, and they'd rather not have a kid if it means being put in the same position. I was firmly on the "no" side of having kids until I met my partner for this reason, now I'm more in the "maybe, depending on a bunch of other stuff" camp.
The cost of living is ridiculous, and they don't think they'll be able to give a kid the kind of life they had growing up. They also don't want the added stress of being worried about rent, groceries, etc. while having a small human who is completely dependent on them.
Mental and physical health reasons. Some people think (know) they got dealt a bad hand in the mental/physical department and don't want to pass it on to someone.
They don't want to go through pregnancy and childbirth, it sounds like some Cronenbergian horror to them, they'd much rather adopt at some point if they get hit with the urge to take care of a child.

waffleznstuff30 · 2024-09-18T16:44:30+00:00

I don't want to have kids. I like my life as it is. I like my body as it is.

Definitely having kids is a no go for me.

yemma257 · 2024-09-18T18:36:56+00:00

I can’t smoke while pregnant

TheMedsPeds · 2024-09-18T19:01:30+00:00

Because we have so many other things to do now.

50 years ago we were married off, there wasn’t birth control and we could cook clean or sew.

Now we got endless things to watch, games to play, drawing, traveling, working, activism, friendships? Used to be who you went to school with, now people can have online friendships, so many more options.

Also if you don’t want them you aren’t AS accosted by society. I mean people still think you’re kinda odd if you’re a woman and you say “nah, I’m not really a kid person.” But before it was like…”this woman is mentally ill”

Also not to mention the last two causes, the cost to raise them and the fragility of relationships. Back in the day people would date for a few months, get married and have a kid. I know for myself (even though I’m CF) I’d want to date a man at least a good 6-9 months before I’d think of moving in with him. Then I’d want to live with him for at least 2 years before I’d marry him. And I bet if I wanted kids, I’d want to be married a good 2-3 years before I’d want to try to a baby.

And while I know everyone is worried about “population decreasing” I still don’t understand why that’s a bad thing. With climate change and AI and robots taking over tasks. I’m still over here like…less people? Good.

GridReXX · 2024-09-18T14:06:13+00:00

For my female friends who don’t have kids, it’s not that they don’t want kids. It’s that they’re holding out for starting a family with a man they want as a life partner, romantic partner, co-parenting partner, and father figure for their kids.

I’ve already seen some of these women make concessions on that. But yeah a lot are holding out to have kids with someone with whom they enjoy and with whom they would like to raise a family.

It’s interesting. The chicks who I know who sort of got knocked up in their early 20s or late teens might not be with the dad anymore but at least their recklessness landed them the kids they would have potentially eventually wanted. So the many men who hate on single moms can do so if they want but the single moms are moms and aren’t women not being moms what men are now complaining about? Lol

januaryphilosopher · 2024-09-18T15:54:35+00:00

Because "modern women" have access to contraception and therefore a choice. Having children is often not a pleasant experience especially if you are giving birth to them and facing the permanent physical and mental implications of that. You might find raising children a fun idea but not everyone does and those who feel they have something better to do aren't trapped but can just say no. It's nowhere near half though, 80% of women say they want children. If it was half you'd need every woman who had children to have nearly four each for a birth rate of nearly two, which they're obviously not doing.

doggiedoc2004 · 2024-09-18T18:00:16+00:00

I have two and that was super hard has both my husband and I had professional jobs in our 30s and we lived in high COL areas requiring that we both worked. If there had been more and cheaper support, I would have had more.

In my 40s now and wish my reproductive window was larger. We even looked into IVF but it seemed to risky so no more babies for us.

I’m sad that the opportunity for a large family has passed now. I didn’t want that in my twenties or thirties but now that we have stable careers and easily have time on our hands, Mother Nature has taken it off the table unless we adopt.

Another avenue to go down is for science to figure out how to expand our reproductive windows without the genetic risks. Some of us don’t realize we want big families until it’s too late.

Diamond-Breath · 2024-09-18T19:10:09+00:00

Pregnancy and childbirth is no joke. Plus, most of the child-rearing rests on women's shoulders and we're already kicking ass in our careers, it's almost impossible to do both and live happily. Men SHOULD be as present but when push comes to shove, women still have more of the burden.

Having said that, I do want to marry my boyfriend and have kids with him, but I told him that I'd like to be a homemaker and he's definitely on board with the situation. We're just waiting for him to be more stable in his choice of career.

Novel-Tip-7570 · 2024-09-18T20:07:04+00:00

Is this really true? In my experience they just delay it until it's too late.

Objective_Ad_6265 · 2024-09-18T20:51:54+00:00

I just don't want to have kids, I just have zero desire, I don't have a single drop of maternal instinct in my blood. Same as you can't find a reason not to, I can't find a reason to have kids. It's just lack of reasons why yes, lack of desire, lack of maternal instinct.

But I can decscribe as I see motherhood and parenthood in general, just effects on the body are specific for women.

So to start it ruins your body, it sucks the life out of you, it sucks nutrients so your hair can fall of, you can have problems with teeth... And how pregnancy and maternity ages women... Recently I saw some videos how women have svolen faces in pregnancy, I saw that someone had permanently bigger shoe size after pregnancy. Streched stomach... I know this is more on superficial side.

Then it tears your private parts and private parts will never be the same, it won't be as tight. This sounds superficial. But it can also permanently damage you down there, you can have problems with incontinency for the rest of your life, or pain down there or never being to enjoy sex again. The birth can also cause problems with rectum due to pressure.

C-section is stil rather bigger surgery, it's also not fun. And it doesn't delete the effects of pregnancy itself.

So now I'm done with matherhood issue and we can go to parenthood in general.

If you have a child you need more money, you need bigger place so the children have their own room which also costs more money. But you have less money and reduced earning ability because one of you have get a break from work for same time or you have to pay for babysitting.

First few years you can forget about sleep. You can forget about sex and sex is worse because the woman is damaged from birth. And it has to be quiet and carefull so the children don't have to listen to it. You can also forget about romantic time for the two of you. You stop being lovers and you became more like business partners in taking care of kids, romance is over.

You no longer use vacation from work to relax and enjoy free time, you use it to watch after children when they have holiday from school. If you manage to go to actual vacation you don't choose a destination that YOU two like, you choose what is suitable for children. When you are there you don't spend time relaxing and enjoying and having adventure and romance, you are still "at work" taking care of children, dress them, feed them, choose food for them at a bufet, washing them, looking after them so they don't run around naked, making sure they are covered with sunscreen... So you still don't get a break, you don't have to cook but you can't let them only eat cakes and sweets, you still have to worry about their food.

And you never get a break for many years, if it's just the two of you, you can just take a break but with children you just can't or you have to pay for babysitting. When they are older that you still have to worry about school and after school activities and you have to drive them and you have to organize schedules so you manage everything...

So to me it all seems as very major downgrade of quality of life and as I simply have zero derise and zero maternal instinct I don't see how it would be worth it.

But maybe you just have strong parental instinct that it's all worth it to you. And maybe you enjoy kid activities but I find kids activities and kid TV shows boring. But maybe you like it and you like all of I deescribed above.

But I'm biased because I simply lack any sign or maternal desire or instinct to begin with. So same as you don't see reasons not to, I simply don't see reasons to have kids.

Edit: And that's assuming you are lucky and the kids are healthy and neurotypical.

SleepingBearWalk · 2024-09-18T16:15:38+00:00

For me, it's always been a no. However, my current partner has warmed me up to the idea. He's a father and a great one at that.

My reasons for no have been: 1. My mother was highly unstable, and emotionally abusive throughout my life. When I was less then a year old she informed the courts that she would hurt me if she was alone with me. They granted my father full custody in 1991, with court supervised visits for mother. She almost never showed. I eventually was adopted by my paternal grandparents, but not before spending time in an extremely violent foster home. Damage was done, the last time I saw my mother alive I was 5, and she was killed I'm 2013. I still haven't cried for her. I know the complete emotional vacancy a child can have for a parent. My dad was also highly unstable, but I know now the decision he made was in my best interest, and I've forgiven him. So trauma from early childhood? 2. Medical, I broke my back in 2010. My entire lower back is fused as is my right si joint. It would be an incredibly unstable pregnancy that would require I remain on or near to complete bedrest most of the pregnancy. Financially that would be incredibly difficult. 3. Mentally, the idea of being pregnant grosses me the fuck out. Something moving in me, reminds me of the movie Alien. 4. Financial stability has never been optimum.

That all being said, I have always had the small caveat of if I find the right person and circumstances (finance) is secure, I would consider it. But if I never have children of my own, I won't be upset.

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StrugglingSoprano · 2024-09-18T21:23:28+00:00

For me personally it’s because I believe being a parent means putting your kids before anything else for 18 years and helping them to succeed in life after that. That’s a huge commitment and one I can’t confidently make. I’m not selfless enough to be a good parent. I want to live my life for myself.

Due_Bumblebee6061 · 2024-09-19T01:30:27+00:00

Depending on how they grew up they may have been parentified and don’t want the responsibility any more but also if your in the US: inflation, daycare costs, medical insurance, don’t really have family leave and if you do it’s most likely unpaid, parents are also still working or live far away and can’t help, no village so to speak, I think there’s been a shift away from yes you can have it all with career and family to but do I want to put myself thru that? I have two kids. They’re expensive and I live in a HCOL area.

AnonPinkLady · 2024-09-19T01:32:44+00:00

I’m too traumatized by my own abusive family growing up and I can barely take care of myself. I know this is the best way to keep a good quality of life

Most_Vermicelli9722 · 2024-09-19T06:31:21+00:00

I don’t want to go through pregnancy and birth. I don’t want to risk having my vagina ripped, or hemoroids, or or c section.

I hate the idea of giving birth and having to immediately care for my child without having the time to rest and recover. I hate that I would have to sacrifice everything while my husband would be able to live pretty much as before. I hate the fact that I would have to forget about my passions while he would be able to continue his.

If I was a man I would have kids. But as a woman? No way.

p_fulga · 2024-09-18T12:39:46+00:00

I'm sorta on the fence about children. I don't really want them unless I'm properly prepared, and even then I only really would want one at most. There's a lot of factors to consider, you don't want to raise a child under negative circumstances because you were ill-prepared. That just makes you irresponsible.

One of my largest factors is the economy, especially here in the US. Our dramatic wealth disparity and our lack of commitment to helping foster families and take care of children means a lot honestly. We'd need two incomes reasonably to afford a home, and to afford all the needs of a child, especially if they or I end up with any health complications caused by the process. I want to be there for my kid too, which.. given our lack of any real parental leave, isn't all that possible without having some good savings set aside, which takes time. I don't want to pay for some nanny, I want to be a mother to my kid. Unfortunately that's just not necessarily feasible until you're very well established.

Furthermore I want to be prepared to give my kid a better life than I had as a child. My parents weren't very financially responsible and it led to some good times yes, but also a lot of bad times. Forced and frequent moves, living without a room in someone else's place. My parents were separated, I got flung between homes constantly. I had parents who clearly weren't ready and hadn't even sorted out their own traumas and issues and it led to them finding other ways to pass those on to me. I'm not going to give my kid that kind of instability. I want to own a home before then, at least have a stable mortgage and a reliable pool of savings to call from. I want to know whomever I'm with is someone I'm going to stay with, I want to know that commitment is strong and that we're both dedicated to each other and the child. And I want to make sure that I'm emotionally ready, and that I've been through the right steps to check myself and make sure I'm not passing on any of the trauma I experienced onto my child.

And then to consider the global stage. Climate change, further worsening wealth disparities, bigotry. There are issues out there I can try to mitigate depending on where I live, but ultimately that won't solve those problems. I'm already skeptical of bringing in a kid who statistically, if the trend continues, will have an even worse time than I have trying to establish myself. All while they watch their world continue to burn because so many of us still refuse to believe our planet is dying because we allow so many countries and companies to destroy it. And goddess forbid they're a religious minority or worse, they end up being queer. That inherently still will make their life harder. Its things you just.. have to accept pushing onto your child when you bring them into this world. Some people don't want to do that.

YouHateTheMost · 2024-09-18T12:26:35+00:00

From my observation, to a pretty significant part, it’s due to lifestyle inflation, aided by popular culture and social media. There’s a desire among many young women to have a picture perfect life, just like they see on Instagram, and they recognize that having kids will take away from curating that picture perfect life, especially when their resources are scarce.

Disastrous-Chart-928 · 2024-09-18T16:26:59+00:00

It's media, women are the biggest target when it comes to social programming. I noticed this when I lived in the west, whereas where I am we're all baby crazy.

I genuinely have no clue what the hell is going on in the west, but there's a dark cloud slowly creeping towards it.

Title	Why did so many Modern women decide they don't want kids?
Author	topredhat
Upvotes	25
Comments	444
Date	September 18, 2024 10:44 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1fjpr6n/why_did_so_many_modern_women_decide_they_dont/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/why-did-so-many-modern-women-decide-they-dont-want.1530689 https://theredarchive.com/post/1530689

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