She isn’t “withholding” sex from you. She simply doesn’t feel like having sex.

Kateseesu · 2024-02-18T16:46:08+00:00

I think a lot of times people see lack of sex as a punishment; and not just a consequence of being in a weird spot in your relationship, or even just going through a season of low libido.

I don’t think I’d be able to withhold sex if I desired it, at least not while sharing a bed with my partner. But I also don’t have a problem having sex if we have other issues going on, for me they aren’t super connected but I know they are for lots of women.

CringeEating · 2024-02-18T17:22:17+00:00

If someone’s needs aren’t being met, it’s reasonable to leave.

purplish_possum · 2024-02-18T17:43:35+00:00

She doesn't feel like having sex with you. Time to move on.

androphobicrealist · 2024-02-18T16:19:25+00:00

Men mistake women’s apathy as being intentionally malicious when in reality it’s just indifference.

Tuatara77 · 2024-02-18T16:37:56+00:00

If it's a big enough problem they're not compatible, simple really, might as well communicate better in the relationship what kind of expectations to have before getting serious. It's weird though being a guy that wants sex at least four times a week only to be told no, maybe once a month, and then also hearing that women are just as horny as men, makes you question if she's then withholding it or not.

old_new_age · 2024-02-19T04:07:57+00:00

it's unfortunate that I dated a crazy woman and then came to this subreddit, because my sample size n=1 contradicts everything women say on here about other women

my ex literally admitted to withholding sex on purpose, among other manipulation tactics, so it's possible

Linvaderdespace · 2024-02-18T20:02:53+00:00

Whenever someone uses the term “withhold sex” I presume that they mean that the sex they would not be having is sex that they would otherwise be enthusiastic about or at least amenable to having.

Only once have I ever explicitly been treated like this, by someone who was trying to get me to pay for a bunch of expensive shit for her friends. i don’t think that I have often been tacitly treated in this manner.

It is a resolutely different state than the far more common situation of her just not wanting to fuck you, either bc she’s mad at you or just because “not now, you perv.”

and yes; when you’re good to go and she is Not, it does feel punishing. That’s not very mature, but it is what it is.

_dontWakeDaddy_ · 2024-02-19T10:42:01+00:00

Sex is a responsibility in a relationship, it’s on both people to figure out why it isn’t happening.

Withholding sex doesn’t have to mean it’s punishment, it can also be refusal to deal with issues that are causing the disconnect to begin with.

Fichek · 2024-02-19T16:48:45+00:00

He isn't "withholding" intimacy. He just doesn't want to hug, kiss and cuddle for whatever reason.

No-Rough-7390 · 2024-02-18T16:17:26+00:00

Replace the genders and “sex” with “affection”. Would you feel the same way?

Safinated · 2024-02-18T16:29:03+00:00

Not finding a man acceptable for sex is hatred, don’t you know? Whether you’re strangers, platonic friends, in a relationship or dating, denying men access to your body is malicious and only done to hurt them

This is because sex is the most important thing in the world to men and a validation of their existence. To refuse is to wish them dead, their genes extinct, and their status subhuman

Blaphrodite · 2024-02-19T09:52:29+00:00

Omg! Finally someone gets it!!!!

Can you post this on repeat everyday of the week for the slow ones. Because no matter how many people try to explain it, some guys think it’s a conspiracy and women’s vaginas are McDonald’s all ready for them, open 24/7 hence gripe about not getting pssy

Few-Laugh-6508 · 2024-02-18T16:28:44+00:00

I have absolutely deeply desired sex as a woman and been unwilling due to conflict in the relationship.

relish5k · 2024-02-18T17:01:21+00:00

No but you see sex is a thing a woman has that she gives to men as a reward, not an intimate act shared by two people.

cromulent_weasel · 2024-02-18T19:33:51+00:00

OP is right, but there's still a double standard here.

She doesn't feel like sex? Totally fine and you need to check your entitlement. You don't feel like sex? This is a big deal and we need to have a conversation about how her needs aren't being met.

SignifyingNothing5 · 2024-02-18T19:20:03+00:00

I agree with your basic point that she isn't withholding sex or punishing the man when she's just not interested. Men use those words to get an emotional edge in the discussion, just like many women do when their partner doesn't want to fuck them. It's painful to be or to feel like the less desired one in the couple.

SevenLovedYouSoMuch · 2024-02-18T17:32:00+00:00

Just going to reply with this https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sex_strike

It's naive to think women never use manipulative tactics to punish men or get their way.

Zabadoodude · 2024-02-18T18:34:32+00:00

There's things people can do to make themeselves more in the mood, and if you are aware you're not meeting your partners needs, you need to make it a priority. It might be having a romantic night together, taking a relaxing bath, having some wine, warming yourself up with a vibrator, or whatever works for you. Sometimes you aren't craving sex, but you could probably get into it if you started. If nothing works, maybe it's a medical issue, maybe theres medication that could be causing it.

No one's entitled to sex, but no one's entitled to a romantic relationship where they don't meet their partners needs either.

_here_ok · 2024-02-18T23:36:49+00:00

i agree with this. tho i think a problem is that some women treat themselves this way due to expectations from these men. like i'd rather not use give and get language with a partner when it comes to sex because that makes sex transactional and i don't desire that. i hope my parter feels confident enough to just say no, that they are not horny and ect, to not feel obligated to give me anything because i don't want to be given anything. sex is for us, not for one.

jverveslayer · 2024-02-19T01:24:51+00:00

In relationships, I don't think this ever happens outside of maybe a small amount of really petty people. So I agree.

However, at the beginning, women who are turned on will definitely hold back sex. For example, there are a lot of people who view having sex to soon as being "easy" or "sl*tty" and some girls will be concerned that you'll think bad of them for being too "easy" or they have a self-image of not being that kind of girl.

Or she could be afraid of getting too invested only to have you ghost her after. Or even things as simple as not having shaved her legs, being on her period, having somewhere they need to be in 30 minutes. Worrying about these things will take her out of the mood at least a little, but women can definitely still be turned on in spite of that.

Maybe you don't consider any of those "withholding", but there are also women who will reject sex because it gives themselves a feeling of control that they are uncomfortable without. For some, it's even a bit of a default knee-jerk reaction. None of these really apply with women you've already slept with multiple times

Cool_Ranch_2511 · 2024-02-19T03:21:54+00:00

99.9% of the time, if your lady doesn’t want sex it isn’t because she’s “withholding.

No, the "whitholding" complaint usually comes after some event that the guy can actually refer to after which the sex started to dry up. Often it's related to a fight or something about the relationship that the chick decides she doesn't like.

Mr_Chad_Thunderpenis · 2024-02-19T05:33:19+00:00

Potato potahto.

Awkward-Manager5939 · 2024-02-19T12:00:01+00:00

It's true. But the reason why she doesn't feel like having sex is amplified in lesbian relationships as seen in their divorces compared to male on male divorces.

Kilatypus · 2024-02-18T18:50:34+00:00

I can agree with this, but it doesn't really resolve the issue.

I'm not saying it was supposed to, but a key aspect for men's validation is that the woman (or women) they are intimately involved with have an authentic desire to have quality sex with them. It can cause all sorts of problems for the man to not receive that sexual catharsis.

No one should feel forced or obligated to have sex with someone just to please them, but it is often observed that women give frequent and quality sex very easily to men who induce arousal in them, men they are very selective towards.

It's why men have a lot of insecurities about the lack of sexual gratification they are getting from their partner: they believe it must be that they themselves are incapable of inducing arousal, and they may or may not know of a time the partner they have gave better sex to another man he may not be able to compete with.

It's even more frustrating for men due to women having a deep-rooted expectation that the man retains his sexual exclusivity to a partner who doesn't want to please him as often as he wants.

Due to these factors, men start theorizing why they are unable to get the sexual catharsis they want, and may conclude that the woman is using monogamy and sex as a rewarding mechanism to induce compliance in him.

Catonicgin · 2024-02-18T16:14:02+00:00

I mean it’s still withholding, that’s just her justification for withholding sex

Your employer could have a multitude of reasons to not promote you, they’re still withholding your promotion even if they just don’t feel like promoting you

End of the day, they know you want something but don’t feel like giving it to you. Regardless of the reasoning that’s still withholding

SlowEffective8146 · 2024-02-19T02:44:03+00:00

I don't really care about the why. Men care about actions over words. If I felt like a woman was with-holding sex from me for any reason, I'd just get it somewhere else.

WanabeInflatable · 2024-02-19T09:05:39+00:00

Actually there is a continuous scale between craving and not wanting at all. Majoriy of people are in between.

Sometimes women actually deny sex not because they don't want it.

Situations from my past:

She: You are such a jerk and don't treat me properly. No sex for you!

Me: Okay

...

She starts trying to seduce me and initiates. Becomes furious because I don't jump on her.

TLDR: OP is wrong. Women play such games even if they are interested in sex. It becomes clear if man doesn't play along and takes No for answer, this breaks entire script for the manipulative women.

ZeeMark17 · 2024-02-18T16:29:11+00:00

Wrong, if she is "withholding sex", she is denying your advances to get her in the mood.

We all know that most of the time a man has to get the woman in the mood, thus if she is withholding, she is denying your advances.

For “withhold” to make sense here it would have to suggest that she’s denying herself sex she wants to spite him.

Yeah, she actually would do this.

Women are capable of anything and everything humanly possible, just like men.

Tokimonatakanimekat · 2024-02-18T16:25:30+00:00

What about cheating situation where women deny sexual activity to their husbands/bfs but readily jump into the bed with strangers and hookups?

mineurownbiz · 2024-02-18T17:21:57+00:00

Agreed.

I've heard the expression "foreplay starts in the kitchen," which I take to mean "it's sexy when someone shares the burden of everyday chores." If you feel your work and contribution isn't appreciated by your partner, you probably won't get all horny about them.

This could be about stuff besides housework too, just an example where "she's withholding sex because she's mad at me" could be a misreading of "I have let her down in some way and now she is too annoyed to be horny."

Obligatory disclaimer, not every woman does this, men can also feel unappreciated, blahj blah etc

edgyny · 2024-02-18T18:03:18+00:00

Seems like a triple axle of verbal gymnastics. What next: "She's not insisting you sleep on the couch because she's angry at you, she just doesn't feel like sleeping in the same bed."

PMmeareasontolive · 2024-02-18T17:44:55+00:00

Is that an actual problem for people in this sub? Your premise is about LTRs. Guys in this sub either can't get dates, or are so blue pilled they would never admit to any problems in their LTRs.

If you look at Reddit at large, you will find plenty of examples of men and women withholding sex. You can say "no , they just don't desire sex", and that would be true, but that does not explain what is really happening. What makes it withholding is the reason they don't desire sex, which, namely, is a desire to punish their partner. They (men and women) describe righteously how they rejected their partner the way they feel rejected, and describe the partner with ridicule and contempt.

The desire to punish can precede the lack of desire, at least in some cases.

Most_Read_1330 · 2024-02-18T18:59:47+00:00

This is why the guy needs to move on if she makes him wait for it.

Toxic_LigmaMale · 2024-02-18T20:29:07+00:00

By making a deal to be monogamous, it’s pretty easy to see how not wanting sex, or using it as a “reward” to get what you want, could be seen as shitty behavior, assuming you’ve attempted to talk these issues out.

LaloTwinsDa2nd · 2024-02-18T22:48:29+00:00

He’s not withdrawing affection/attention from you

He just doesn’t feel like giving it to you. You are simply less exciting/enticing/more of a headache than whatever he does wanna give attention to.

So I agree with the premise in the post title.

My issue is people, typically women and their supporters in this direction, who fully agree with the post’s premise but then turn around and cry abuse if a man wants to ignore a girl whose somewhat placed her value on his attention.

So OP iono if that’s you but I’ve definitely seen the sentiment elsewhere.

Bouldershoulders12 · 2024-02-18T17:00:08+00:00

That’s fine but if it’s going to be a dead bedroom I’ll be upfront and state my needs need to be met and I won’t be in a dead bedroom relationship. If you can’t meet those standards it’s best we cut ties because we aren’t compatible.

Obvious-Produce2720 · 2024-02-18T17:14:39+00:00

As 25F, in a religious community there are things that i have to say i appreciated in the convo around sex. Im especially Unique as i was from a medical family so sex was disccused which is not common in religious backgrounds.

One thing i stumbled upon was a few individuals describing that women desire sex but its not at the forefront of there minds, if man wants a woman to desire sex then he needs to realize the foreplay starts in the kitchen or in the morning with helping with the kids. So if men saw that wit there partners that sex started hrs even 12 or 13 hrs before even getting near the bedroom they might have more sex. But those ideas were tossed around from religious leaders discussing sex. I would have no clue if that right or not, the only evidence i have is the couples that have followed that advice both men and women seem extremely satisfied in there sex lives.

I am personally not like those women as i simply have a higher sex drive then my husband, which is extremely rare. And im not ashamed i desire sex, i embrace it. Soo im never witholding. But man i look at my husband like he is alien sometimes hahahah.

campskills21 · 2024-02-18T16:31:51+00:00

It gets confusing when she keeps wanting to hang out with you though.

There can be many reasons, girls can get off by getting you hot for her in bed, then saying no. She may be wishing another guy she sleeping with would be exclusive with her, and is using you for company.

Indifference is not likely, if she’s spending hours with you alone and kissing you, something is up.

ArmariumEspada · 2024-02-18T17:15:31+00:00

This whole “withholding sex” dialogue also conveniently ignores the fact that in many marriages, the wife is frustrated with the lack, or infrequency, of sex. And many husbands are effectively “withholding” sex from their wives.

moosemc · 2024-02-18T17:45:42+00:00

No.

Women withhold sex for control. Not all the time. But prolly more than the 0.1% OP is suggesting.

Geselshaft · 2024-02-18T16:43:43+00:00

LMAO. “Women desperately wanting sex”.

Priceless.

You’re right. She isn’t in the mood. Not surprising but as to why is a whole other discussion PPD isn’t ready to have.

Women absolutely do use sex as a reward and punishment system though.

Sure they are a rarely in the mood, but they also use it as a reward and punishment system.

Preme2 · 2024-02-18T16:23:08+00:00

“Sleeping on the couch” is a very common term used when the husband does something the wife doesn’t like and as punishment he’s sent to sleep elsewhere and sex is withheld. I’m not sure the practice is as common today, but exists. It’s portrayed thoroughly throughout media.

[https://www.allohealth.care/healthfeed/sex-education/sleeping-on-the-couch-relationship](The Impact of Sleeping on the Couch on Relationships)

[https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=sleep%20on%20the%20couch](Sleep on the couch from Urban Dictionary).

[https://youtube.com/shorts/2Fecxe5cPA8?si=V3HJHUj6xHQgDEM-](Bill Burr - Guys who sleep on the couch)

Gerbilzilla · 2024-02-18T18:08:26+00:00

I suppose so. The best way for a man to increase the amount of sex that he gets is to make sure that she’s getting orgasms, and the best way to accomplish that is to give her cunnilingus on a regular basis.

verdantsound · 2024-02-18T21:19:55+00:00

heh. you hear about women claiming that their men are with holding emotional intimacy as well. It’s not with holding, there are a whole bunch of reasons why they are not privy to their feelings.

MisterFunnyShoes · 2024-02-18T21:58:35+00:00

“Nah I wasn’t avoiding talking to you, I just wasn’t interested in communicating with you at all.”

ConanTheCybrarian · 2024-02-19T08:11:19+00:00

More often than not, the man who is saying his partner is "withholding" sex is actually the one "withholding" one of the following, too, and it's a two-way street:

emotional intimacy and safety
intellectual connection
equal contribution to shared responsibilities
intellectual and physical foreplay

The absence of those things in relationship make women less interested in (or too tired/ overwhelmed for) sex.

Mentathiel · 2024-02-18T18:26:18+00:00

Withholding intimacy can be an emotional abuse tactic. If it's done as a way of punishing your partner whenever they do something you dislike and you refuse to communicate and resolve the issue, but just assert that you're right and withhold intimacy until they relent, that's abusive.

More commonly, it just happens as a byproduct of dissatisfaction in the relationship, poor communication, external factors, or incompatibility when it comes to needs and preferences. But it can be used as an abuse tactic and it's important to acknowledge that as well and be open to listening to people's specific experiences before making a judgment.

Of course, nobody owes anybody sex ever. Just to preempt accusations, I'm not saying that they do.

DeJuanBallard · 2024-02-18T23:57:34+00:00

That's the same thing.

Kentaro009 · 2024-02-18T23:06:48+00:00

Withholding or not, who cares?

Why is this a meaningful distinction?

If she doesn't want to have sex with you, move on.

Men are mentally torturing themselves over why something is occurring instead of just accepting reality.

In this instance, men need to take a page out of women's playbook and just find someone else if they aren't getting what they want instead of trying to find out the why.

Barely-moral · 2024-02-18T16:26:53+00:00

Disclaimer. I am going to play devils advocate. I mostly agree with your position.

She isn’t “withholding” sex from you. She simply doesn’t feel like having sex.

In order for someone to withold something from me all that is required is that they can provide it and decide not to. The reason why they decide not to is irrelevant.

In my decades on earth, I’ve never heard of a woman dying for and badly craving sex and then deciding to “withhold” the sex she desperately wants as a way to “get back at him.”

I also never heard of that woman. That is irrelevant.

99.9% of the time, if your lady doesn’t want sex it isn’t because she’s “withholding.” It’s because she doesn’t feel like nor desire sex. She’s not feeling lusty. She’s not filled with horniness. Sex with you isn’t what she’s desiring for whatever reason. It’s not a conspiracy. But it is the reality.

She is witholding and everything you mentioned and described are just the reason why she is witholding.

For “withhold” to make sense here it would have to suggest that she’s denying herself sex she wants to spite him.

No. Withold is any case in which someone has the ability to provide the desired outcome and decides not to.

Or it suggests he’s entitled to sex even if she doesn’t desire it.

Why? I am interested in knowing how did you get to this point. I don't need to be entitled to sex for someone else to withold it from me. As long as my partner has the ability to provide me with what I want and decides not to she is witholding. Entitled or not.

She’s not not having sex “to punish you.” It’s more straightforward and less Machiavellian: ➡️ she simply doesn’t feel horny and thus isn’t desiring sex and as a result YOU FEEL punished.

If I am doing my part in the relationship and she is not doing hers I am being punished and the reason why she is not doing hers is not relevant.

Horned-Beast · 2024-02-18T21:28:49+00:00

Cool, I'm ending the relationship due to a sexual mismatch.

I am not punishing her, I just choose to be with someone with a matching sex drive.

Observer_7578 · 2024-02-18T16:47:00+00:00

This thread topic is ignorant, and based on a victim complex. If a woman is not feeling sex for whatever reason, then so what? Nothing wrong with that. There is, however, everything wrong with a woman weaponizing sex for a sense of power over a man...

Hot-Law2682 · 2024-02-18T16:56:17+00:00

Many men who complain about that do so because they feel entitled to the exact same treatment as all her previous partners. (I am using entitled in a purely descriptive sense here, its not necessarily good or bad).

If she had sex with chet 2 times a day and only has sex with them once a day thats a big issue.

It doesn't matter about her hormone composition, horniness, life stressors, or any other reasoning behind it. No matter what, they deserve a certain standard of sexual activity.

MarBitt · 2024-02-18T17:52:42+00:00

It may happen that the woman wants sex with him but refuses him. I have seen a woman start to refuse sex because when she has a lot of orgasms and succumbs to her horniness, then she wants him all the more and it makes her vulnerable to him and he has too much power in the relationship, which he could abuse.

Or, "I'd like to have sex with you, but you always treat me worse after sex than when you're horny".

Also when there are power struggles in a relationship, some women (and men) also weaponize sex.

reddit_is_geh · 2024-02-18T19:00:55+00:00

I've never, ever in my life, dated someone who wouldn't have sex with me. Even if they weren't in the mood they'd still take one for the team and be like, "okay make it quick". Assuming she has feelings for me, she still wins by getting some intimacy and a makeout session.

ThrowAwayBro737 · 2024-02-18T23:10:02+00:00

I think this is true. But sex is a duty in a marriage. I don't feel like taking out the trash. I don't feel like paying the mortgage. There are a lot of things men do that they don't feel like doing.

Far-Alarm-2740 · 2024-02-19T04:50:30+00:00

Sex is used to manipulate too, and is pretty useful.

Most_Dragonfruit69 · 2024-02-19T11:44:15+00:00

He isn't cheating on you, he just gets pussy on the side.

Same logic and energy.

Not saying OP is wrong but the way it is implied, it looks like "man bad so better man up" kind of post than good faith argument

But in general yes, OP is correct.

Particular_Trade6308 · 2024-02-18T17:53:38+00:00

I completely agree with OP.

If you’ve been on 7 dates and she’s not having se, or insists that you “commit” first or says that sex would “cheapen the connection,” odds are she’s not that into you but you’re a nice safe beta boyfriend option.

Most women (read: people) don’t have the self-control to suppress their horniness and delay gratification. If she’s super horny for you she’ll have the sex and then regret giving it up too soon after.

It’s not Machiavellian, but if you feel like she’s withholding, that’s a sign to move on, even if you persevere you’ll probably end up in a dead bedroom situation.

Altruistic_Talk_828 · 2024-02-18T18:14:30+00:00

There's a lot of things men do for women that they "don't feel like".

DolphinPunkCyber · 2024-02-18T17:01:28+00:00

Disagree. Women will withhold sex due to social norms, not wanting to come out as easy.

If woman goes all the way to sex, with passion, then stops. She most likely wants to have sex.

If woman doesn't show any passion for physical intimacy, and postpones it just leave.

EvilTribble · 2024-02-18T17:51:48+00:00

"Withholding" is a perfectly fair term for the apathy of the responsible party for a dead bedroom. If a man is unemployed and doesn't even try to get a job, it's fair to say he's holding out on doing what is expected of him for the family.

These men don't know how to fix the problem and don't see anyone else working on the problem, or worse, acting like it isn't a problem at all and they're frustrated.

optimuscrymez · 2024-02-18T18:01:53+00:00

This patently false.

Women purposefully withhold sex from men all the time.

You're treating it like a binary she either wants to or doesn't.

Hate to break it to you but every time women fuck they aren't at the "omg dam bursting into panties" threshold.

Literally women will task men in relationships and dole out sex as reward/punishment. I've straight up witnessed this in group texts and in second hand from various women I've been with.

Disastrous-Wave-9693 · 2024-02-18T21:58:56+00:00

Exactly! But she is horny for that other guy she met at the bar the other day so she's going to go and cheat with him :)

SteveSan82 · 2024-02-19T02:19:28+00:00

She is withholding sex because she is cheating, weaponizing sex or doesn't like you anymore. Rather simple.

catdog7676 · 2024-02-18T16:50:32+00:00

I personally believe there is a point that it becomes withholding but I also don't believe women should have to have sex if they don't want to. I believe at a point if a partner doesn't want anything to do with their partner sexually just in general but doesn't inform them of that or have a conversation it becomes withholding.

izzzy12k · 2024-02-19T00:35:53+00:00

I think there's more to it..

For example, she says no to you.. but then goes out and hooks up with an ex or situationship partner.

Comes back to you and acts like why do you keep talking about sex.. Is that all you think about?!

Now of course not all women are like this, but it's a lot more common than not.

giveuporfindaway · 2024-02-19T03:10:26+00:00

The statement was "She isn’t “withholding” sex from you."

The statement was not "She isn’t “withholding” sex from herself."

Sex can happen with or without her. The is discussion about the sex act, not who the participants are. She can be a non-participant and her partner can still have sex with another participant.

If she's in a monogamous arrangement where there are zero alternative outlets, then yes she is in-fact directly invoking withholding sex. How she feels, whether she enjoys it or not or what her motivations are do not change this fact.

The-Loop · 2024-02-18T18:08:09+00:00

Yeah we know women aren’t as horny as men. Next.

AutoModerator · 2024-02-18T16:11:35+00:00

Attention!

You can post off topic/jokes/puns as a comment to this Automoderator message.
For "Debate" and "Question for X" Threads: Parent comments that aren't from the target group will be removed, along with their child replies.
If you want to agree with OP instead of challenging their view or if the question is not targeted at you, post it as an answer to this comment.
OP you can choose your own flair according to these guidelines., just press Flair under your post!

Thanks for your cooperation and enjoy the discussion!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

AutoModerator · 2024-02-18T16:11:35+00:00

Hi OP,

You've chosen to identify your thread as a Debate. As such you are expected to actively engage in your own thread with a mind open to being changed. PPD has guidelines for what that involves.

OPs author must genuinely hold the position and you must be open to having your view challenged.

An unwillingness to debate in good faith may be inferred from one or several of the following:

Ignoring the main point of a comment, especially to point out some minor inconsistency;

Refusing to make concessions that an alternate view has merit;

Focusing only on the weaker arguments;

Only having discussions with users who agree with your position.

Failure to keep to this higher standard (we only apply to Debate OPs) may result in deletion of the whole thread.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

SilverAsparagus2985 · 2024-02-18T17:23:53+00:00

Too many people view sex as a transaction and not a byproduct of real intimacy. It's much tougher to acknowledge your own intimacy issues than simply pointing the finger for blame, whether at yourself or at others.

GridReXX · 2024-02-18T17:54:28+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Im_Unsure_For_Sure · 2024-02-18T20:02:44+00:00

Some women keep sex limited to "keep a man desiring it". Seems to be a disappearing trend but definitely still active, especially in religious circles.

Homoaeternus · 2024-02-18T20:08:14+00:00

I think society has made women too feminine they should start embracing their masculine side and I think it would do wonders for them.

hearyoume14 · 2024-02-18T21:51:06+00:00

There are women who will do this but they are usually difficult in general.

Women are more likely to have responsive desire. For a general example: Have you ever not felt like going somewhere but when you got there you had a blast? It’s like that for many of us. Now porn, in all mediums, flirting, and other ways to boost our libido do work.

Now if she’s apathetic towards you it’s over. Even anger can be worked through but apathy is a death knell to relationships.If she’s apathetic towards everything and is show signs of depression that’s different.

Rispy_Girl · 2024-02-18T23:10:37+00:00

Sometimes she is. And sometimes it is both. This isn't universal. Either way need a therapist to sort it out at that point.

No-Click9406 · 2024-02-19T03:07:17+00:00

at a certain point you should just end the relationship because you are not feeling sexually fulfilled though because the only other option is an open relationship or cheating.

and because I know there are gonna be annoying losers complaining about "what if he isn't sexually satisfying her" or "what if she has medical issues" and blah blah blah, THIS IS ONLY IF YOU HAVE MADE AN EFFORT TO FIX IT FIRST.

tiddermacss · 2024-02-19T05:26:49+00:00

the why doesn’t matter.. if not her someone else

BZP625 · 2024-02-19T08:40:42+00:00

"Withholding sex" is an inaccurate term and shouldn't be used. It was given life during a period of time when sex for women was either poorly understood or not well communicated.

Libido for men and women is a spectrum and therefore abounds with anecdotal protestations. In general, on average, on the whole, a woman's libido is lower and especially much more variable. Woman's libido and men's can ebb and flow at different times of the year and different phases of life. Women generally are more sensitive to what is going on in her life, and in the marriage, than a man is. Men are more physically driven and women more emotionally driven for sex.

So, yes, your statement of "she simply doesn’t feel horny and thus isn’t desiring sex and as a result YOU FEEL punished" is correct. That is partially driven by why she doesn't feel horny, as it can come from dishes didn't get done, he didn't put his clothes in the hamper, he didn't relieve her "mental load," they were too busy for date night, etc. The husband can feel like the stars have to align, and when they don't, it's his fault, and the subsequent lack of desire by her does therefore seem like punishment.

Maffioze · 2024-02-19T10:33:28+00:00

I'm sure this is the case a lot of times, but abusive people (including women) exist so yes there are definitely women out their who withhold sex as punishment. Just like both men and women exist that withhold affection in general to manipulate their partner. Most people are not that Machiavellian but some of them definitely are. I think you're making the mistake of extrapolating normal behaviour on abusive individuals, they operate on a completely different plane.

Plazmatron44 · 2024-02-19T11:39:02+00:00

Sometimes it's to punish, sometimes it's out of a lack of interest, to say that it's only ever one way is foolish.

Prestigious-Delay759 · 2024-02-19T14:22:26+00:00

Yes this is a likely scenario.

That said, there are also other scenarios that are more likely than "withholding/punishment/spite".

For example if someone's libido radically decreases over a period of only a couple years that can be a sign of a medical or psychological issue, it's just that we as a society have some sexist attitudes that make us think it is normal for that to happen to a woman.

Everyone would be concerned if a man for the most part lost his ability to become erect over a period of just a few years, but a quote unquote lack of arousal or quote unquote lack of libido in women is often not considered a symptom due to those biases.

Infidelity is another awesome option; she isn't having sex with you because she's fulfilling that desire somewhere else.

Lastly she isn't withholding she just doesn't want to put out the effort because her opinion of you has gotten so low that you're actually a turn off so she would much rather fulfill her desires through masturbation that she hides from you than actually have sex with you and she's too honest of a person to cheat so it just ends up being her taking care of herself in secret. This isn't withholding or spite this is her just not wanting to connect with you in that way, not to "punish you", but because you are a turn off and she considers it to be way too much effort. This one might sound ridiculous but this has been a common scenario for divorced friends of mine. At some point she just isn't attracted anymore and instead of deciding to bring that up in therapy and actually work on it she just takes the lazy route and masturbates and is surprised when it ends up being a big point of contention in the relationship.

Flightlessbirbz · 2024-02-19T14:34:15+00:00

For the most part, yes this is the case. There are some people, usually narcissists, male and female alike, who do withhold sex and affection in general as a punishment. Sometimes it’s an indication something is wrong (either in the relationship or in terms of mental or physical health, or a medication side effect). Most of the time though it is simply a matter of different sex drives.

Realistic-Chest-6002 · 2024-02-20T00:53:58+00:00

He isn't "withholding" emotional support from you, he simply doesn't feel like it.

He isn't "withholding" nice dates for you, he just doesn't want to spend the money.

Do you see where I'm going with this ? Relationships aren't built on just doing things when you feel like it.

anonymousUser1SHIFT · 2024-02-20T04:10:22+00:00

Withholding sex also means "lack of trust" or "lack of interest". I don't see how men should be okay with their date lacking trust or interest for extended periods of time...

Title	She isn’t “withholding” sex from you. She simply doesn’t feel like having sex.
Author	GridReXX
Upvotes	243
Comments	492
Date	February 18, 2024 4:11 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1atxldq/she_isnt_withholding_sex_from_you_she_simply/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/she-isnt-withholding-sex-from-you-she-simply.1245780 https://theredarchive.com/post/1245780

Comments